Dealing with loss and death

just me said:
seek solitude, and everything else I feel I must do to deal with it.
There are so many possibilities out there, and each loss must be dealt with differently. Try to learn all over again how to forgive and control my thoughts.
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Choosing to destroy yourself for people you love can narrow down these options and ideas so I can understand the need for solitude to sort through these things when we feel our boundaries have been crossed. No one should ever feel they’re losing a piece of themselves making a promise to someone else. It’s when we’re wrapped in reality vs. desire, truth vs. love, etc that we stop feeling the inner strength we were so willing to give. The conflict can cause either emotional discomfort or psychological confusion. Been there. Never wanted to be that cause though it occurs in this world. So I agree on finding forgiveness. I wish you didn’t have to find time alone to find it, because I find it difficult lately too.


just me said:
Next, I must fill this empty hole in my stomach.

If it was a cowardly attack on Peacekeepers like Beirut, I do not rest until they are gone. Sorry, but some hits make my day.
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standing between two things can be difficult sometimes giving someone what they need even more difficult without complete self destruction. It’s okay to keep to your principles and hope for you to find less painful and personally destructive ways. You deserve to feel more comfortable with those who are willing to understand you and what you’re going through carrying those things.

I too choose to be alone in a lot of ways I don’t want to.
 
The unappealing aspect of the grief cycle (see Kubler Ross), is knowing that the resolution of grief is living completely without the person who passed away.

When I lost a close relative, I knew that at some point I'd be living without ever thinking about calling or visiting her, without seeing potential birthday or Christmas gifts for her when out shopping, and without ever anticipating the consolation of her words, eyes, or presence. Knowing I'd get to that point, brought the waves of denial, mental bargaining, guilt, grief, etc so well illustrated by Kubler.

Nevertheless, trying to resist moving on without someone I loved, eventually my resistance to moving on faded, and grief turned gradually into happy memories and gratitude, without the sorrow of nostalgia.
 
Sometimes Yeah said:
The unappealing aspect of the grief cycle (see Kubler Ross), is knowing that the resolution of grief is living completely without the person who passed away.

When I lost a close relative, I knew that at some point I'd be living without ever thinking about calling or visiting her, without seeing potential birthday or Christmas gifts for her when out shopping, and without ever anticipating the consolation of her words, eyes, or presence. Knowing I'd get to that point, brought the waves of denial, mental bargaining, guilt, grief, etc so well illustrated by Kubler.

Nevertheless, trying to resist moving on without someone I loved, eventually my resistance to moving on faded, and grief turned gradually into happy memories and gratitude, without the sorrow of nostalgia.
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true. I guess that would explain the avoidance of our habits naturally as imperfect human beings vs the anxiety aspect of bargaining a lot. Accepting there’s no benefit from loss and that we’re all experiencing this without getting it mixed with intention is a big positive step. Thank you for your input.
 
The past year I lost my father before that. If I lost anyone, I recover soon within 3 to 4 days because I mentally prepared as I knew it would happen, and at the time of my father, I knew it but was still not able to believe it. I am still living like he is with me. I can not accept his death.
 
emilyn said:
The past year I lost my father before that. If I lost anyone, I recover soon within 3 to 4 days because I mentally prepared as I knew it would happen, and at the time of my father, I knew it but was still not able to believe it. I am still living like he is with me. I can not accept his death.
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It takes time for healing to happen no matter how prepared we may feel. Thank you for sharing and reaching out. I hope that you may feel more comfortable in finding the people who are of the best support for you in your healing.
 
Loss. I do not have much experience with death. Only my grandmothers, who were more than ready by their own measure to be done with life, and my grandfathers, who were not ready but I was not very close to the process. My parents sheltered me from death, grief, and all that goes with both. I think that was a mistake.

I am learning right now firsthand, as a dear friend is suddenly and unexpectedly dying, in the hospital where only family can visit. I am glad his family is there. I am noticing how my body feels, how my emotions feel, how many questions race through my mind, how information and support is flowing among mutual friends.

I will probably be the one who has to make 'the announcement' to 600+ friends (just a subset -- this friend had quite a following). Do I say something now, while he is still not quite gone? Do I wait until his passing is absolutely clear and final? Is there any way to protect those friends from either a prolonged sadness borne of anticipation, or an abrupt shock without forewarning? I am waiting. I am trusting that either I will intuit when the time is right, or someone even closer to the situation will make the call and tell me it's time. When there are words, I will find them, and decorate each word with a tear. So many tears. Tears like stars.

It is so very hard to lose a friend when you weren't finished being friends (even if they apparently were?). I sent a brief voice recording to him through his family to say what I felt I needed to say and hoped he would be able to receive. Several sentences that all add up to love. We are not sure whether he heard or understood, but his daughter thought it likely. I don't know how you can tell when someone is at that point of nonresponse.

It is such a strange place to be. He is here but not here, and I can't be with him ever again. If all were normal, I would have spent the afternoon with him today, as is our Friday custom. But that is over, suddenly done. The curtain went down before the play ended. I don't know where that leaves me.

And yet his influence is woven in me, and so he will not ever really disappear from my life entirely.

It wasn't COVID. He managed to avoid getting COVID. Will there be a funeral? Will there be a gathering? Will there be singing? I wonder. I miss him.
 
My father died suddenly after experiencing a medical emergency a few month prior.

My sister died from kidney and heart failure after being sick for several years, well actually, most of her life.

I don't know if the mind protects me in some way but in my day to day, I don't think of them as dead and gone. Instead, I just feel like they are "away"

My sister's death is particularly hard for me because I went home and she died in the hospital by herself. I feel selfish and cruel for leaving her. It haunts me. At the same time, I don't know if I could have watched the doctors trying to save her and watching her die.

There is also guilt because her death was a bit of a relief because she had lived with serious illness for decades. Brain tumors, 3 children who died and kidney failure. It was years and years of doctors and many tears. I almost feel like my sister was just waiting to die. It is something I don't think I will ever recover from. The pain will never go away
 
I'm no expert on handling loss and grief. New ways to deal with it come along with each death.
I've found that the worst thing we can do is judge ourselves and our reaction to loss by how others would have handled it. Likewise it's absolutely horrible to expect anyone to deal with loss the way we would. We're all unique in mind, experience and beliefs.

My first real death (post that of my grandparents about 15 years earlier) was of my calico. It tore me apart. I felt I had failed her by allowing her to die, she was 18, quite old by feline standards. One day I put on a children's movie in which a very, very, very old man was preparing for his death ... his explanation was he had run out of shoes. It was time. (Yeah, you all know the one.)
There was something immensely calming in those three words: It was time. I now carry this with me every time I experience a death around me. It doesn't make the loss any less painful, but it helps bring back my focus and hence, acceptance so that dwelling on that grief is not at the front of my mind.

Since she passed I've had two other felines pass. Shadow still tears me up as he knew he was dying and asked me not to go on a trip. Held out for my return and then died. But it was time, he was 21.


 
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