Do any other INFJs feel this way?

[April]

It's ok to be a little superficial because we all are. But how far are you willing to go to get what you want, that's the deeper question.

You're right. I think I can discern pretty well the point where it makes me bad, and I don't think I'm there, because I don't let looks become the only thing that attracts me to a person. I need much deeper connection than physical. I'm fact, if the emotional connection is strong enough, the superficial one doesn't even matter that much.

I just still feel guilty because I wish I was the type that doesn't care about looks at all. However I can't help it. I cant help what I'm attracted to, and that right there is why it isn't fair for me to feel bitter about guys who don't like me back. They can't help it either. :/

It is a double standard, Hos is right about that... and i shouldn't blame them for wanting someone who looks great. I guess what I'm bitter about is the fact that it just doesn't match. If you're not that attractive you still want to have someone attractive to you. But because most everyone, in their cultures anyway, have the same idea of what beauty is... well there you go.

 

[Wyote]

I guess what I'm bitter about is the fact that it just doesn't match. If you're not that attractive you still want to have someone attractive to you. But because most everyone, in their cultures anyway, have the same idea of what beauty is... well there you go.

For me at least, in my own personal understanding of everything, there are lots of "attractive" people, but even out of that pool the vast majority don't "match" me in all sorts of ways.
It's just very difficult to find a genuine match, that meets whatever quota of criteria you've set out to find. Even at that point, it may be a fleeting time period where things feel right/matched.
Finding somebody who is willing to fight for you, be your cheerleader in life and support your endeavors, whatever they may be, is far more crucial in fostering a sense of deep love long term.
Attraction must be part of the mix, but there are a lot of ways attraction is built, only one of which is physical. For some people physicality is weighted more heavily, which is ok, but if you are one of those people it's important to know what amount of weight it carries and what you need to do to provide as much as you demand. Balance, balance. I'm sorta about that

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Finding somebody who is willing to fight for you, be your cheerleader in life and support your endeavors, whatever they may be, is far more crucial in fostering a sense of deep love long term.

This is what I actually think, in my heart.

It's important to acknowledge that black little spike of cynicism in there sometimes. After all, it needs to be recognised to be excised.

I think you do this, April. You make it public and put it under the microscope - you recognise your own feelings about it (that it's shallow, &c.), and how you're conflicted. You don't hide it from yourself, or from others, which is a good start. A mark of truth.

But recognition is not the entire battle. I think we also need to inhabit those feelings which constitute our healthy core, and act upon them alone.

I hope you can figure out how to do this: maybe by reaffirming your commitment to those you already love, or by being true to yourself, or however you decide.

Best wishes, April.

 

[Wyote]

I think we also need to inhabit those feelings which constitute our healthy core

Spoiler: okay.jpg

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Spoiler: okay.jpg

Lool

 

[April]

For me at least, in my own personal understanding of everything, there are lots of "attractive" people, but even out of that pool the vast majority don't "match" me in all sorts of ways.
It's just very difficult to find a genuine match, that meets whatever quota of criteria you've set out to find. Even at that point, it may be a fleeting time period where things feel right/matched.
Finding somebody who is willing to fight for you, be your cheerleader in life and support your endeavors, whatever they may be, is far more crucial in fostering a sense of deep love long term.
Attraction must be part of the mix, but there are a lot of ways attraction is built, only one of which is physical. For some people physicality is weighted more heavily, which is ok, but if you are one of those people it's important to know what amount of weight it carries and what you need to do to provide as much as you demand. Balance, balance. I'm sorta about that

You're such a lovely person.

 

[April]

This is what I actually think, in my heart.

It's important to acknowledge that black little spike of cynicism in there sometimes. After all, it needs to be recognised to be excised.

I think you do this, April. You make it public and put it under the microscope - you recognise your own feelings about it (that it's shallow, &c.), and how you're conflicted. You don't hide it from yourself, or from others, which is a good start. A mark of truth.

But recognition is not the entire battle. I think we also need to inhabit those feelings which constitute our healthy core, and act upon them alone.

I hope you can figure out how to do this: maybe by reaffirming your commitment to those you already love, or by being true to yourself, or however you decide.

Best wishes, April.

Thanks, that really means a lot to me!!!

 

[April]

Spoiler: okay.jpg

 

[April]

To the OP. Yes, I think this is an INFJ thing, and I'm sorry to have derailed the thread, even though some pretty interesting points were made.

 

[John K]

I have been classified as an INFJ my I type and I’m not sure if this is an INFJ thing or not but I have always been a hopeless romantic. And I always picture and daydream scenarios in my mind about meeting my soulmate. I know it sounds cheesy but do any other INFJs do this??

Our real relationships are always going to be messy compromises for the vast majority of us. I agree with @Rowan Tree - infjs are quite capable of seeking in poor innocent humans what they should be looking for 'beyond this mortal coil', or whatever. @Wyote 's words are very wise. Physical attraction is only one part of a relationship's foundations and physical beauty has a very limited shelf life. It seems to me that all elements of attraction are a bit like that, not just the physical ones. After 45 years of being married, my wife and I are not like we were when we first met - certainly not physically, but we have changed in lots of other ways too. We've been together a hell of a lot longer than we were single, and perhaps the greatest thing is how we grow and change together - it isn't an easy ride and you spend a lot of time knocking the rough edges off each other, and so it should be.

A hopeless search for an idealised soulmate can blind us too, to what can come from other relationships. My mother and father were very close to each other in some ways, but quite different in others. I'm pretty sure with hindsight that my mother was infj, but my father was probably infp. My dad wasn't in the least interested in psychology, the occult, mysticism like my mother, nor did he have anything like her artistic talent and temperament. My mother always had a list of gurus that she was following (she'd have loved the internet and a forum like this one but she predated it) - dad was quite immune to that sort of thing. But they shared far more than they were different - they were devoted to each other. Mum got her affirmation from her children as well as from dad - my brothers were very close to her in artistic ability and they spent a lot of time together that way. I was very close to her psychologically and mystically. She introduced me to Jung - almost all of the books I own of his came from her, and I have a stack of books of hers by Thomas Merton that I'm still working through. I think it would have been awful for both my parents if they had been idealised soulmates, totally on the same pages of life - it would have started off well, but it would have denied them their individuality as the decades went by, and I and my brothers would have quite likely been locked out of the close relationship we had with both of them in their different ways.

 

[Wyote]

It seems to me that all elements of attraction are a bit like that, not just the physical ones

Indeed! Thank you @John K ! Your words are full of wisdom and beauty, I always appreciate what you have to contribute