Do you lose yourself when you like or love someone?

Do you not feel romantic attraction Slant?

I know someone who considers himself asexual but bi-romantic.
 
Well that certainly would be rare.

Then again I never felt romantic feelings at your age. Sexual urges maybe, but definitely not romanticism.
 
I actually have an elder cousin who's 24 and is the same way so I think it might be genetic; he's my mother's sisters child so I think I got it from my mothers side.
 
So, do you lose yourself when you like or are "in love" with someone?

Parts of me, generally the parts that hurt from the lack of a loving relationship. There is always the possibility that I'll step away entirely from the rest of the world and know only her, it really depends on the person and how hard they hook me.

Have you ever thought about or identified the reasons why?

Heartstrings. The brain seems to make the most logical decisions, but the heart makes the decisions that tend to be the most emotionally gratifying if not painful. Love makes it difficult to stay grounded, sometimes stepping off that cliff feels like the only way.


How do you manage your feelings so that you don't? Or how do you avoid this?

When I truly love a woman, her dreams, needs, and feelings are constantly on my mind. This makes the standard method of reasoning difficult as there are new variables floating around up there. A relationship needs consistent sharing and I tend to retreat into my own head most of the time, so I have to make sure enough of me stays out to share.

Worst case scenario is if I see that I am wilting the other person and it cannot be avoided then I end it. Some people just are not compatible no matter how much you love them, or it may be a destructive compatibility. Either way the mental and physical health of yourself and loved one must always be considered.
 
slant said:
I actually have an elder cousin who's 24 and is the same way so I think it might be genetic; he's my mother's sisters child so I think I got it from my mothers side.
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Haha, that's a bit of an oxymoron. But yeah it could be.
 
I definitely idealize in the beginning of a relationship. I have tried different things, in the past I have gotten mainly with F types and so they can't handle me being me, and so I am not me. So to some extent perhaps idealization is the sign of a bad relationship for me.

I think that was just more of a lack of understanding. I am not really one to roll over placidly unless there is adequate incentive. My buffer zone of what is acceptable in another person balloons out extraordinarily larger than what is typical for me. It is a childish thing to do, but my emotions are so strong at that point that I really can't do anything but try not to drown in the currents. If I were to go out and actually get into relationships, I think that would change things through experience.

I had social anxiety before which did a number on my personal self worth and that definitely played into it as well. I am interested to see how things progress now with my different perspective.
 
I become stupid around the people I desire. Grrrrr
 
hehee.... my tactic is....If I ever suspect something is going towards a romantic relationship I start acting like a real jerk until the person stops talking to me.
 
yeah.

Ni + Fe explosion, my friend said. I'm inclined to agree. Ti almost sounded like it blew up and died during that time.
 
slant said:
hehee.... my tactic is....If I ever suspect something is going towards a romantic relationship I start acting like a real jerk until the person stops talking to me.
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WAIT, wait...

There is actually a point where you don't act like a real jerk???
 
NeverAmI said:
I definitely idealize in the beginning of a relationship. I have tried different things, in the past I have gotten mainly with F types and so they can't handle me being me, and so I am not me. So to some extent perhaps idealization is the sign of a bad relationship for me.

I think that was just more of a lack of understanding. I am not really one to roll over placidly unless there is adequate incentive. My buffer zone of what is acceptable in another person balloons out extraordinarily larger than what is typical for me. It is a childish thing to do, but my emotions are so strong at that point that I really can't do anything but try not to drown in the currents. If I were to go out and actually get into relationships, I think that would change things through experience.

I had social anxiety before which did a number on my personal self worth and that definitely played into it as well. I am interested to see how things progress now with my different perspective.
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Very similar.
 
Res said:
So, do you lose yourself when you like or are "in love" with someone?
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No. If anything, those are the times when I am most connected to and aware of my person.

Res said:
How do you manage your feelings so that you don't?
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To the degree I am able, I don't choose to manage my feelings about anything, love or otherwise. In my experience, doing so comes at a cost to my person that I am no longer willing to pay. For that matter, the consequences of witnessing, accepting, and expressing my feelings have always been less than the consequences of repressing, denying, redirecting, sublimating, etc., my feelings.

I value relationships where each feels free to, and is able to, be authentic to themselves and each other. My sense is no one has to apologize for who they are. Be present, be real, and meet your own needs, and to the degree you are able and willing, help in meeting the needs of those you love and who love you.


cheers,
Ian
 
Yes I do. I am totally encompassed in my emotions! It is so gut wrenching and yet so amazing that I can feel SO much an SO deeply. It is a love-hate relationship : )

I use it to my advantage. It is easier for me to do my painting and poetry when I am in an emotional state, so I work on my art and writing.

I haven't really learned to control the emotions. All I've been able to do is either go with them and use them, or totally detach myself and not feel anything. Idk.
 
That Girl said:
I just stopped doing this in my current relationship and honestly, it takes awhile to get comfortable with. I feel mean sometimes because I push forward my personal feelings on a subject. If an argument came up in an old relationship of mine I would simply yield and agree. Now, I won't back down unless I am given a reason to. If I believe someone is acting irrational I call them out on it. I'm not going to change the books I like, the video games I play, the movies I watch, or the music I listen to just because the other person doesn't like what I like. I may concede to not doing those things when they are around (aside from the books) because I want to be nice and considerate of their likes and dislikes, but I refuse to change these days. I like who I am now. I'm comfortable with being myself, and I don't feel the need to fluctuate who I am in attempts to find a better me.
I'm not sure what caused the change. I think I may have gotten fed up with falling in love with the idea of people. I became tired of dating the people I wanted to be as opposed to dating the people I wanted to love. I think I could have had one of my relationships continue if I hadn't of tried to change myself. I don't ever want such doubts again.
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This entirely. I could have written it myself. I really don't have much else to add, except the fact that I do know what caused the change. Not wanting to ever lose who I am again, and to be loved for who I am and not what I become in a relationship.
 
acd said:
It takes tons of concentration and careful disciplining of thoughts into a new pattern. Lots of self convo. A thought pops up that says, "You've failed!" And you've got to consciously counter it until it becomes second nature. . . .
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Disciplining our thoughts is good, no doubt, but i think it has to match or fit with where we are emotionally to be effective in the long term.
 
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whenever I open up to someone I become very vulnerable, I get easily hurt and will easily lose myself in this person, it becomes hard to know who I am, what my thoughts are and instead on focusing on myself, I focus on the other persons needs. It is hard to find a balance between opening myself up enough to feel and show my love and not bringing myself to much in risk of losing my sense of self.

I think ACD is right on. Accepting yourself the way you are seem to be the only way to not lose yourself in a relationshiop because if you are comfortable with who you are, you don't feel the need of changing yourself since you only change the parts you think or not ok. It is indeed not that easy and takes a lot of time of correcting yourself every time you think ill of yourself. I'm trying to do the same thing with myself now and I can already see great progress. Every time I think I made a mistake or that I'm not good enough I remind myself that it is not true. And deep down I KNOW that in the end I'm perfect the way I am, and that I only think I'm not ok because i believe society thinks this way (are you still with me :D). And the more I accept myself the happier I am, the better I feel, the more I show others AND the more others accept me for who I am. It is a visious circle. And accepting yourself doesn't mean that you do different things or neglect certain obligations, you only change your thoughts/emotions about it, accept it the way it is...
 
So, do you lose yourself when you like or are "in love" with someone?

I have several times in the past, and in the first few years of my marriage.

Have you ever thought about or identified the reasons why?

I invest a lot of emotion in people. Sometimes, I'd forget about myself as a result. Most times I hid a lot of myself because I sort of revered the person and didn't want to reveal my flaws. It was okay for others to have flaws, because I would accept them, but I didn't think they would accept mine in turn. I didn't want to feel the hurt (very selfish) of rejection, so I'd lie through omission.


How do you manage your feelings so that you don't? Or how do you avoid this?

I still rever people and I still have the fear of not having my flaws accepted. I look at myself as a walking paradox a lot of times, and I don't like seeing myself this way. But I've learned that I have to remember people are humans..heh, myself included. I should be holding them to the same standards as I would hold myself, while relaxing the perfectionist tendencies I tend to have in regards to myself. I have to find the balance there.

It's still a work in progress.
 
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