[INFJ] Do you tend to "come on too strong" in relationships?

Jet said:
Just ask. Say are we okay, things have felt a little weird to me since blah blah blah...
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@Hoodie. This^. You shouldn't have to feel nervous about checking in with him. If you reached out and he didn't make any effort to respond, the issue may be on his end. Thing is, you shouldn't feel so stressed. As someone else said, you should be enjoying the relationship, not feeling so insecure. If he's not being responsive, distract yourself, and focus on doing your own thing. Sorry if I'm overstepping by saying this, but he is not communicating fairly and openly. If he saw that you were reaching out to him, it shouldn't have been hard for him to text you back and at the least, wish you a great day. Yes, you like each other, but your personalities may simply not match, and that's ok. Compatibility is an important part of relationships, separate from your feelings about the person. You don't want communication between you to feel forced. You want to enjoy it and have fun, not feel stressed.
 
Jet said:
Is daily texting a must?
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Yes, in the beginning of an actual relationship, not dating. I can't imagine being in a relationship without daily communication. He didn't even respond to her message. I don't like that. It takes two seconds.
 
I'll probably ask that he tells me if something's ever wrong in the future, @Jet! Idk, maybe it IS weird that he needs space- but I don't think so... in a previous relationship I had I felt like I couldn't breathe- it was really hard getting used to having someone else that basically had a right to my time. So I DO get it. And my mum said that when my dad and her first held hands, the next day he wouldn't talk to her- apparently he got freaked out, and so she asked him like "are we okay?" I'm just rambling now I think. XP My point is yes I'm going to hopefully talk to him about this... but after I give him some breathing room. I think it's perfectly understandable to freaking out ever so slightly.

Like I said though, it's been SO nice. We live about an hour out of the big city and he gets off work pretty late, so our dates tend to start with a long drive into town, and we just talk. It's so nice to just be able to talk.

@CindyLou, no he hasn't texted me yet today. Which I think is fine...? I mean yeah it's nice to text everyday, and we have been pretty well... but if he's needing a moment to himself I'm cool with that. He's also at work, so there's that. Plus he's pretty busy in general. And stressed. Idk

@Gist it looks like I've always been someone that does the limerence thing...? What causes that? I'm going to read more into it, but anyway.

Also he does have feelings for me, or he's said so/shown so, and I believe him!
 
CindyLou said:
Yes, in the beginning of an actual relationship, not dating. I can't imagine being in a relationship without daily communication. He didn't even respond to her message. I don't like that. It takes two seconds.
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At what point does something go from dating to relationship. *has now gone 2 days with no contact with man friend and didn't feel weird until just now*
 
Hoodie said:
I'll probably ask that he tells me if something's ever wrong in the future, @Jet! Idk, maybe it IS weird that he needs space- but I don't think so... in a previous relationship I had I felt like I couldn't breathe- it was really hard getting used to having someone else that basically had a right to my time. So I DO get it. And my mum said that when my dad and her first held hands, the next day he wouldn't talk to her- apparently he got freaked out, and so she asked him like "are we okay?" I'm just rambling now I think. XP My point is yes I'm going to hopefully talk to him about this... but after I give him some breathing room. I think it's perfectly understandable to freaking out ever so slightly.

Like I said though, it's been SO nice. We live about an hour out of the big city and he gets off work pretty late, so our dates tend to start with a long drive into town, and we just talk. It's so nice to just be able to talk.

@CindyLou, no he hasn't texted me yet today. Which I think is fine...? I mean yeah it's nice to text everyday, and we have been pretty well... but if he's needing a moment to himself I'm cool with that. He's also at work, so there's that. Plus he's pretty busy in general. And stressed. Idk

@Gist it looks like I've always been someone that does the limerence thing...? What causes that? I'm going to read more into it, but anyway.


Also he does have feelings for me, or he's said so/shown so, and I believe him!
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Ah ok, only you guys can decide if it's working for you. All the best! :)
 
Thank you ALL for posting/replying/etc. I really appreciate it. I guess I'm at that point where I really want to defend him. Possibly that could be just because I'm in this state of limerence and can't see anything beyond his pros (though I do see flaws in his character... but I still like all of him, so). But I don't really care? Yeah it hurts and is somewhat confusing- but that's always happened to me in relationships; I worry about non-issues a lot. NOT making this into nothing, but it is true.

I feel compelled to tell y'all a bit about him now, because I've literally only given you the shell of a man to comment on. And that's not fair- to you or to him.

He's a paramedic, and volunteers in three emergency organizations (fire, SAR, and a first aid group that comes when the ambulance is delayed or needs extra hands- he's also the president of said group). And he's not just someone that is "one of the volunteers". The other day he just cleaned the whole firehall out and crap. On his agenda is fixing the FR unit, getting my mom written off on her three routine drives and three code three drives in the unit, work, school, family time during the holidays (which I'm not actually sure how he's going to do that- I'm Jewish so that's another complication, and we've talked about that and agree that it could work if we respect each other's beliefs), plus he also has to sleep every once in awhile, but he's got insomnia, so he's often not fully in this realm until 3 -4 ish pm. I just think he's REALLY stressed right now. And maybe he is reconsidering getting into a relationship. I hope he isn't though. :/

Plus he has group anxiety- not sure if that's an actual term but there you go.

I really don't mean to sound overly defensive by the way! I really DO appreciate your guys's input. I just wanted to give a little more background I guess.

Tagging you guys I guessss: @Gist, @Jet, @CindyLou
 
@Hoodie ultimately you do you. If you are okay with it then it makes it okay. Ultimately it's your relationship. nothing I've read makes it sound like he is a bad dude or that you two are incompatible. Take things at face value and don't be afraid to need what you need.

I mean what's the worst that can happen ... you get serial murdered and at that point you are dead so it doesn't really matter anyway. Anything better than that is just peaches.
 
*bangs head* I made it seem like I was going to give you an insight into his character, and instead told you about his schedule XP

He's the sweetest thing. Like just such a shy personality but at the same time not. It's hard to explain. He was bullied a lot as a kid, and I'm finding that he's STILL bullied which just makes me so mad and sad at the same time. He's so gentle and fun and caring. I trust him completely, and feel completely comfortable around him- which is huge for me. Yeah, sometimes he does have insecurities that come through, and he has flaws; we all have flaws- it's just what we're willing to put up with.

Haha, cool, @Jet. O>O I mean hopefully that doesn't happen.
 
Hoodie said:
*bangs head* I made it seem like I was going to give you an insight into his character, and instead told you about his schedule XP

He's the sweetest thing. Like just such a shy personality but at the same time not. It's hard to explain. He was bullied a lot as a kid, and I'm finding that he's STILL bullied which just makes me so mad and sad at the same time. He's so gentle and fun and caring. I trust him completely, and feel completely comfortable around him- which is huge for me. Yeah, sometimes he does have insecurities that come through, and he has flaws; we all have flaws- it's just what we're willing to put up with.

Haha, cool, @Jet. O>O I mean hopefully that doesn't happen.
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@Hoodie, now I feel guilty, since what you shared gives me a different impression of him. So sorry. I shouldn't have judged so harshly since I don't know him. He sounds like a great guy, and you're a supportive partner. Hope he appreciates that. :)
 
@Gist don't feel guilty 'cause then you'll make me feel bad that you feel bad! XP I think it's my fault for not giving much about his personality. And what I DID finally give makes him sound like a kitten (he certainly CAN be a kitten c: ) but there's SO MUCH to people, so it's hard to describe a person. O>O
 
Gist said:
There is also something to be said about letting him come to you, and not expressing so much towards him. Let him learn to appreciate you by being the one to initiate, and take some responsibility for developing your mutual interest. Sit back a little, and let him pursue you. If you're doing all the work of pushing the relationship forward, it's going to feel one-sided, and you may not truly know if the feelings are reciprocated since you're the one initialing all the communication efforts. You don't want him to think that he doesn't have to do as much because he sees you are initiating most of the time including expressing feelings.
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All of the above advice from @Gist plus this^ I think is good advice. Everyone has different ways of operating and responding to things. Stepping back a bit might just help him get in touch with his feelings and go at his own pace.

I'm saying that because from what you've said he likes you and can be trusted (sounds like that anyway). So maybe you don't need to worry too much about his feelings for you, as he does care.
 
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I just wanted to add that, yes I am very intense at first both with new friends and new partners. After I have examined the person's entire character and decide if I want to keep him/her in my life, I back off a bit and relax. I also think that if the person doesn't want that, they don't want me. I wanted to change my intensity but I found that it's part of who I am. Those who think I am worth the effort and patience gain my trust and lifelong friendship or love.

In your case, @Hoodie , I would caution you against staying with someone who wants to change you. When I was young and didn't know much, I put up with that for a long time and it ended badly. If you can't take the INFJ heat, get the f - out of my damn kitchen. But wash the dishes before you go...
 
@Hoodie big hugs to you! I think all of us find ourselves in your current situation at one time of life or another:-) I don't like to "advise"...I do say "this happened with me" and if you find a jewel of insight than the info served its purpose.

That being said...Find something to do. Do you have a hobby? I say this because it sounds like you are obsessing over fixing something that's not broken and in this you may keep digging until you yourself breaks something and then you can day 'aha' see there it's broke now I have something to fix. --sounded better in my head, but I think you'll get me.

From reading your post...if your fella is as independent as you describe him, that's what is 'wrong' and making you wonky and questioning everything, He is struggling in himself with giving up his independence and the committing to a relationship that may (will) put him in a different mindset: he will need to share his time and self. Right now he fills his time with working a busy schedule--he only has to take care of himself. Give him some space to decide if he wants to give up one for the other. You need to find something to do :-) Relish the time you two do spend together and keep the lines of communication open.

It will come. What is meant to be always find a way to be. <3 hugs.
 
If you trust him @Hoodie then that's all you need to know. @Sandie33 has great advice - do other things that you enjoy doing in the mean time so you don't stress too much when he's taking his space. What is meant to be will be. There is really nothing to lose doing that. It will ease some of your anxiety. xx
 
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Hoodie said:
So, right now I possibly screwed up in my brand new relationship with a guy I really really like... by coming on too strong. I'm talking to him about it right now. Or rather, waiting for him to reply- the thing says he's typing but that's been like that for the last 5 minutes. He's a bit of a slow typer. I'm hoping that he's not wording a dear john letter.

ANYWAY to distract myself I thought "hey, let's see what other INFJ experiences are!"

So. Do you come on too strong in your relationships despite your best efforts? Do you have any advice/words of encouragement for those that do? Please help-- I mean tell. Gah.
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Not INFJ, but no I don't.

I'm mostly trying to avoid getting sucked into a relationship... except for platonic mind friendships.
 
Try not to say "I told you so" @Jet, @CindyLou, @Gist, @otherpeople... haha.

If you're interested, I eventually texted him, but we never really texted back and forth like we had. There was never really an actual conversation- just maybe five texts back and forth and then nothing. This went on for two months. Yup. I know. Any fool would have realized he was trying to blow me off. Somehow I see too many possibilities in situations and end up hanging on till the bitter end. Plus, he WAS giving me some mixed freak'n signals; about two weeks ago, he indicated that he still was interested in me. Holy cow woman, why hadn't you ALREADY MOVED ON?? Anyway, so a couple nights ago I asked him to please tell me if he was interested still, or not, I said I'd of course understand if he wasn't interested anymore, and it would hurt a HELL of a lot less if he just would tell me so that I could move on. No. Freak'n. Reply. So I was very frustrated that he didn't have the guts to at least tell me outright.

Anyway, so I volunteer with him. Mhm. We're part of this chat group on FB for the volunteer group. He's kind of in charge of things basically everything, actually. Anyway lately he's been being kind of not very nice in general- not very professional to people, etc. It was getting to a point where people would get really really stressed and felt guilty when he'd talk on there. So yesterday, he gets on there and says something that to me was very unprofessional and doesn't help anything. So I kind of called him out on it--- BUT I tried to be very nice, respectful, etc, and basically addressing everyone and saying we all need to have a discussion about some things like this, because it's not fair what's been happening- and I also mentioned that we need to be stepping up more to help the guy I'm talking about because he does like 98% of the work, which of course is not fair at all and things can't function like that. So it took a lot of guts to do that, and I felt like I said it in a way that he might realize what he was doing-- and I didn't specifically blame him or anyone at all, I think I was pretty respectful and polite. I hope. Um, so we all basically agreed to talk about it at the next meeting- except for the main guy we're talking about here, because he hadn't seen the message yet- I think he was avoiding it. About four hours later, it said he'd seen it. I was feeling alright, was a little anxious but oh well what can you do. Then I had a nap. Woke up at 10pm (went to nap around 8:30pm) and was about to go back to bed when I realized there was a message by him in the group. I should have just gone to bed and read it in the morning, I should have. But I read it then, and it wasn't too bad. He was trying to say what he had said earlier was a joke- which it technically could have been, though I still think it's not okay to joke about some things because it has the same effect as saying it outright when it's true and obvious that the person feels that way. And he said something like he'd keep his mouth shut from now on.

Now I didn't want him to think that we wanted him to shut up! Dx Far from it. Plus I thought well I'll just quickly mention that some jokes are hard to tell over text, appologize in case I offended him or anyone, and all will be well. So I wrote that up, hoping that it wouldn't shut down the conversation because I still think it's important for the group to discuss, and sent it. Two seconds later he had read the message and left the group. I felt like mega crap. I was worried about him. Turns out he unfriended me on all social media. Yeah, haha, apparently he hates me now...? Which sucks, but there's nothing I can do about it- he won't talk to me. I only sent him a quick apology for saying those things in the group chat, and I said I should have just messaged him privately. Then I said I'd leave him alone from now on. And I definitely plan on it. Thankfully another member in the group knows him really well and has had success talking to him when he was really mad about something or whatever (I know because he told me) so I messaged her and she said she was going to talk to him. So the Olympic torch has been passed on, and I actually feel really free; at least now I know for sure he wants NOTHING to do with me! 8D Last night was hell but today is better so far.

Despite all this, I know he's a really good person, and I feel really bad for tipping him over the edge- I was not intending to do that at all. I actually feel that this was a cry for help on his part. Hopefully he'll get that help.

So it took me awhile but I think I'm finally ready for 2017 now! Clean slate, trying to think about other things, trying to just not get bogged down by this. Now I'm just rambling. Anyway, that's what happened. :/
 
General input is that I find being "practical" intolerable. I think being rational and considerate is OK, meaning if someone has had issues, then OK, you can work into things slower.
But basically, between really putting heart into something vs being practical/learning to not really fully invest oneself from the beginning and adjusting one's expectations to "what works with most people", I just don't see the point, unless you yourself are that type, which obviously from OP you seem not to be.

I'm probably somewhat above average at sucking at practicality and above average at detached analysis, so they kind of compensate each other....but my general recommended approach is to put everything on the table, analyze it, and that's it -- zero practicality/"just see how it goes"/don't appear clingy stuff lol

This will fail miserably with many. However, I'm not sure I recommend, for people of similar temperament to me, that this failure really matters It seems like it'll realistically rule out some candidates and get you to the ones that have a chance.
 
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