Emotional Affairs

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

The bottom line to what's cheating: violating what two people agree on.

Any time and consideration you expend on one person is taken away or withheld from another.

 

[Littlelissa]

It's the continuous deceit by omission of the truth; hiding a "friendship" and the amount of communication, thoughts and feelings shared between two people outside the relationship for what can be months and years.

Well in this context, yes I think a person has to decide as soon as possible, and not 'look' for this kind of situation in the first place. But nether- the- less if someone falls in love with someone else, which is not always the 'ideal' situation...but does happen. Therefore, as soon as someone themselves recognises, truthfully how they feel, if they are transferring affection from one person to another, then they should be honest with both parties and take action, as soon as they humanly can. I think if someone did this, it would not be deceit as such. I think the difference is like you say, someone carrying two connections, realising this, and having no intention of remedying the situation, even once they have worked out for themselves what they feel.

 

[t56hg2bv]

We've all heard about sexual affairs (physical cheating) and how they could be damaging to a relationship, cause trust issues to the parties involved and the reasons behind them happening in the first place. The topic has been addressed extensively.

But..anybody heard of emotional cheating? Having an emotional affair with someone outside of your relationship?

http://hubpages.com/hub/Emotional_Affairs-The_Shocking_Truth

This link is the closest thing to a clear definition of what an emotional affair is. There aren't that many things said about it, and not many people address it. Is that because it is difficult to pin down or prove?

Is emotional cheating considered a form of cheating? Is it just as damaging to the relationship as physical cheating? Is it also just as difficult to work out and try to amend?

Thoughts?

Also, if anybody has better links or sources to read up on this it'd be very much appreciated.

This is perplexing. As an INFJ I have an emotional connection with nearly every person i come into contact with. I feel what they are feeling and process it in real time so much that it is not uncommon that I know what they are going to do before they actually do it. And I don't just mean with romantic relationships. To suggest that I can't connect with people would be like saying that some people are not allowed to think about certain topics. I CANT TURN IT OFF because it's built in to who I am as a person. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm looking to get in the sack with everyone, nor does it mean that I value someone more than I value my significant other.

I guess it just gets down to the definition of emotional cheating. Is it related more to sexuality or is it better defined with the amount of time and dialogue someone has with an individual. Because, if it is the latter, would it be cheating if someone went to therapy and told their therapist a tremendous amount of information about their partner (in confidence). Or is it talking to a close personal friend about very personal things; AND would it be "emotional cheating" only if it was the opposite sex?

I guess, to me, it gets down to a level of betrayal. Expectation vs reality. The same could be said for physical relationships. Regardless of the behavior, it really gets down to what has been discussed and what is expected vs what occurred. I think the hurt comes based on the hurt of the person being cheated on and their ability to communicate (ahead of time) what would actually hurt them. That seems unfair, I know, but how can anyone know another persons expectations unless it is communicated. Some people are good with open sexual relationships, others are just fine with talking to whomever about whatever. But not everyone can be ok with their partner doing something that they have told them specifically will be hurtful. To me, cheating is betrayal and betrayal must be defined. Some things are SO obvious by societal norms that ignorance can not be plead. Physical cheating is cheating unless an open relationship has been discussed (not vice versa). Giving money and gifts to another a person out of emotion could also be seen the same way (since marriage is a financial commitment by definition). I think it's always wise to err on the side of caution when in doubt.

This does not mean that one partner can dictate how another communicates with the world. Know your partner before you get married, know what is acceptable and be prepared for change as you grow together. Most importantly, LISTEN and understand their needs. Seek out what makes them feel loved and how they feel about these types of things so you don't hurt them "accidentally", in future. As an INFJ this is easy for me. I know what they want because i feel them constantly, rarely am I surprised. But I still ask questions, I still pose hypothetical questions constantly (especially when we watch movies that invoke lots of obscure questions.)

 

[just me]

Where's @Odyne? This was started long time ago. As an introvert, it makes me happy when I connect with someone. See them where they work and I'm kind to them. Might give them a compliment. I love to see a real smile, so I may try to pry one out of her.
Look forward to seeing them.

I have had cold shoulders over time, maybe thinking I'm trying to hit up on them, from a very few. Just trying to be kind and maybe make a new friend. I basically FEEL like a lonely old man at times. Guess that's why I love dogs so much. People can't call it something it isn't.

 

[Littlelissa]

The more I think about this definition 'emotional affair', the more I think it's a nonsensical term. It's a recent 'made up' definition which doesn't make any meaningful sense outside of a specific context. Pop Psychology for glossy mags.

 

[CindyLou]

I respectfully disagree, as I've experienced this very real thing and you don't feel any less betrayed.

There is no accident to this. It's not an accidental emotional bond. It's deliberate lying and concealing a relationship with someone but you do not physically cheat. Yet. Then when you get caught lying you just say it was just a friend and make the person feel even more like shit because there is no name to what just happened to you.

Mine was hidden from me for 8 months. I read like 10k texts in the period of like, 9 days. That doesnt count the messages he conveniently deleted which contained the rest of the 8 months. Several daily messages. Hundreds per day probably. He went to her with everything. Started comparing me to her. I didn't realize at the time what was happening or why suddenly he was so unhappy with me. I wasn't giving him enough attention, I wasn't into the things he was into and I didn't support him come to find out like she did. What it did to our relationship that I see now, it completely destroyed it.

This was with two different women and god knows if there was any more. I could not ever trust him again to tell me the truth about anything and I'll never know the truth about that either because the only people who know are them.

They didn't know about me. I didn't know about them. He didn't sleep with them that I know about, but he cheated. He gets to walk away saying he never cheated. Okay.

 

[dang]

I respectfully disagree, as I've experienced this very real thing and you don't feel any less betrayed.

There is no accident to this. It's not an accidental emotional bond. It's deliberate lying and concealing a relationship with someone but you do not physically cheat. Yet. Then when you get caught lying you just say it was just a friend and make the person feel even more like shit because there is no name to what just happened to you.

Mine was hidden from me for 8 months. I read like 10k texts in the period of like, 9 days. That doesnt count the messages he conveniently deleted which contained the rest of the 8 months. Several daily messages. Hundreds per day probably. He went to her with everything. Started comparing me to her. I didn't realize at the time what was happening or why suddenly he was so unhappy with me. I wasn't giving him enough attention, I wasn't into the things he was into and I didn't support him come to find out like she did. What it did to our relationship that I see now, it completely destroyed it.

This was with two different women and god knows if there was any more. I could not ever trust him again to tell me the truth about anything and I'll never know the truth about that either because the only people who know are them.

They didn't know about me. I didn't know about them. He didn't sleep with them that I know about, but he cheated. He gets to walk away saying he never cheated. Okay.

Well said. Personally, I think it could be argued that emotional cheating of this form could be even more damaging than a sexual affair. Betraying intimacy is more painful than betraying sexuality in my opinion because it is more personal and cuts deeper to the core of your relationship. Yeah, he definitely cheated on you, even if he never had sex with somebody else. He had secret intimate relationships with other women. That is a strict betrayal of trust. Somebody who does that can fuck off.

 

[Littlelissa]

I respectfully disagree, as I've experienced this very real thing and you don't feel any less betrayed.

There is no accident to this. It's not an accidental emotional bond. It's deliberate lying and concealing a relationship with someone but you do not physically cheat. Yet. Then when you get caught lying you just say it was just a friend and make the person feel even more like shit because there is no name to what just happened to you.

Mine was hidden from me for 8 months. I read like 10k texts in the period of like, 9 days. That doesnt count the messages he conveniently deleted which contained the rest of the 8 months. Several daily messages. Hundreds per day probably. He went to her with everything. Started comparing me to her. I didn't realize at the time what was happening or why suddenly he was so unhappy with me. I wasn't giving him enough attention, I wasn't into the things he was into and I didn't support him come to find out like she did. What it did to our relationship that I see now, it completely destroyed it.

This was with two different women and god knows if there was any more. I could not ever trust him again to tell me the truth about anything and I'll never know the truth about that either because the only people who know are them.

They didn't know about me. I didn't know about them. He didn't sleep with them that I know about, but he cheated. He gets to walk away saying he never cheated. Okay.

That sounds like a horrible abusive situation, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds soul destroying. I can't imagine the horror.

It's just the terminology of this 'emotional affair' that bothers me because there are always examples that are exceptions to the rule.

For example in a situation with abuse, and the victim party 'breaking trust' to seek support from outside. That sounds like the opposite case scenario to the one you have described. People can get stuck in these abusive relationships, but that scenario could still technically be classed as 'emotional unfaithfullness'. I can imagine this scenario also happening in situations where one partner is not emotionally available or relating properly with the other one, and that might lead to this kind of emotional unfaithfulness of the other party. A lack of awareness of the actual specifics in any situation doesn't help explain what created it, this is the interesting point I think. In the case you described it seems like an example of straight forward deception and abuse, by a (probably) manipulative person.

There are also situations I know of where people are mutually co-dependent and they choose to stay together in a relationship, even though both parties know that the relationship is just for convenience. For whatever reason they are not strong enough or individuated enough to separate. Both parties willingly (as much as you can say they had any choice in the first place)- select to stay together, and one of them has a physical and emotional relationship outside of the dynamic. This is known by the two but unspoken and not talked about. Is this not an extremely weird and damaging scenario too (not purely emotional because it involves physical intimacy- but certainly still 'hidden' and maintained in secrecy). It makes me think there are so many ways people are in denial with themselves and in their relationships, and unhealthy damaging scenarios can play out in a hundred and one ways.

Anyway I'm not one to judge. This is part of the reason I have been single for long while.

 

[CindyLou]

That sounds like a horrible abusive situation, I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds soul destroying. I can't imagine the horror.

It's just the terminology of this 'emotional affair' that bothers me because there are always examples that are exceptions to the rule.

For example in a situation with abuse, and the victim party 'breaking trust' to seek support from outside. That sounds like the opposite case scenario to the one you have described. People can get stuck in these abusive relationships, but that scenario could still technically be classed as 'emotional unfaithfullness'. I can imagine this scenario also happening in situations where one partner is not emotionally available or relating properly with the other one, and that might lead to this kind of emotional unfaithfulness of the other party. A lack of awareness of the actual specifics in any situation doesn't help explain what created it, this is the interesting point I think. In the case you described it seems like an example of straight forward deception and abuse, by a (probably) manipulative person.

There are also situations I know of where people are mutually co-dependent and they choose to stay together in a relationship, even though both parties know that the relationship is just for convenience. For whatever reason they are not strong enough or individuated enough to separate. Both parties willingly (as much as you can say they had any choice in the first place)- select to stay together, and one of them has a physical and emotional relationship outside of the dynamic. This is known by the two but unspoken and not talked about. Is this not an extremely weird and damaging scenario too (not purely emotional because it involves physical intimacy- but certainly still 'hidden' and maintained in secrecy). It makes me think there are so many ways people are in denial with themselves and in their relationships, and unhealthy damaging scenarios can plays out in a hundred and one ways.

I can definitely see that in the context of an abusive relationship I could see an abuser using "emotional infidelity" to further isolate their victim from seeking any kind of support or contact outside the relationship. I agree that this term could be abused and distorted in that way and it's wise to bring that up. I think what is important is to determine if you have the freedom to be open about your friendships/relationships in the first place and with that freedom you then hide or deceive then you're in emotional infidelity territory.

If you have to hide normal friendships or are losing freedoms then you're being isolated and probably in an abusive controlling relationship. If your partner is displaying other signs of coercive control then it would be wise not to let him/her manipulate you into thinking that you're having an emotional affair.

If freedom then deception = emotional affair

I know I contributed because I wasn't as into his passions as he would have liked for me to be but he was always free to have any friends he wanted and had the freedom to tell me about them with no consequences. Had I realized that this friendship/relationship started earlier on, or had he been more open about his friendships and involved me in them, made them public, or hell, even mentioned me at all instead of shut me out and compartmentalized everything, it may have motivated me to try to understand him and his passions a bit more, maybe even motivated by the idea of competition but I wasn't even allowed the chance to not measure up legitimately. Instead it distorted his perspective of me, it distorted his perspective of her/them, and ultimately destroyed the relationship and my trust in him. Other people that didn't know about me thought they were together. It was so humiliating to have people think that he's with another woman and very hurtful to find out that these women got intimate private emotional and mental connection to my partner. There's more at play here, obviously but that's the gist. There are other dynamics that also explain the level of betrayal I felt as well so yes I agree that it is a lot more complex than just having friends or emotional bonds outside the relationship which should be encouraged in a free and loving relationship.

If you aren't free then there is definitely a more serious problem so emotional affair shouldn't be in the relationship vocabulary.

I understand your caution and think it's wise. I agree it's best to use the term wisely and not throw it around so casually let it become just another way to control. I do think there should be some sort of label for this though, as there is a form of cheating that betrays emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

 

[Odyne]

@CindyLou and @LittleLissa have explored the definition better than I probably could.

Personally, I would be more forgiving of sexual cheating than emotional cheating. Probably because I would not be bothered to be in a relationship with anyone unless there was an emotional and cerebral connection. To me, that bond is what makes for a relationship. I understand that a cerebral connection can be developed with other people and I accept it, but emotional connections should be exclusive in the context of a relationship. I would not forgive my husband if he began to share his passions and vulnerabilities with another woman and confide in her, the same way he does in me, or worse, push me out of the loop completely.

Then when you get caught lying you just say it was just a friend and make the person feel even more like shit because there is no name to what just happened to you.

This is true. I had actually gone through this year ago in a relationship (the woman knew about us, but didn't care, cause she was getting what she wanted) and when I would bring this up to my partner, he would say that they are only friends. His insisting made me doubt myself and I felt like shit; one, because our relationship was deteriorating even though I liked him, two, because I disliked myself for feeling insecure believing I was assuming things when my gut feeling was screaming that I wasn't. In the end, the relationship naturally went cold without the level of intimacy I wanted and I broke it off, partially thinking that I didn't try hard enough.

In a situation like this, it is easy to think of yourself as the insecure jealous type and beat yourself up for it, thinking you were part of the problem. It's such a shitty and damaging way to be with someone.

Not only emotional cheating is real, but at times, it can be abusive.

 

[t56hg2bv]

The more I think about this definition 'emotional affair', the more I think it's a nonsensical term. It's a recent 'made up' definition which doesn't make any meaningful sense outside of a specific context. Pop Psychology for glossy mags.

I agree to some extent. To me, there has to be communication about the expectations of each person in the relationship. Some people are highly extroverted and process everything externally. Some have aspergers and have no idea that some dialogues hurt other people.

If WRONG or HURTFUL is communicated then THERE IS NO MISUNDERSTANDING.

Some people just want to be nice so they don't set their boundaries and expect that their partner will figure it out magically. Well, I mean to tell you that some men couldn't catch emotional inference if it hit them square between the eyes. They've done things one way for a long time and then get in trouble because they don't change.

Personally, I know what my partner is feeling. I ask lots of questions. I tell her exactly what I want and don't want. She does the same and then we are on the same page.

When I hear the word cheat I can see it has different meanings to so many people. When I hear the word betray, then things seem much easier to understand. Because betrayal is known, because the concerns and the issues were communicated.

The old saying that men are stupid and woman are crazy comes to mind. Men do stupid shit because they don't think things through. Woman get crazy because they think stupid became smart overnight somehow.

Communicate!
1. Tell each other your needs and wants.
2. LISTEN to the needs and wants of your partner.
3. Do your best to meet all of the needs and give them their wants when you can (because you love them)!!