Emotional needs of female INTJs in marriages/ relationships

[LucyJr]

Or perhaps as Ni Fe types, INFJs can relate to them easier.

Somehow yes. Althought I relate mostly with ENFPs and INTJs, considering certain traits and desires of these two types.
ENFPs because of their natural care for people, and their somehow naive and idealistic, yet sincere, approach when dealing with people, and INTJs, for the desire to be competent and aknowledged, responsable and self-reliant.

 

[say what]

My idea was that maybe women are more in need of emotional affection than men. From experience, this is certainly very true. Althought I don't know if this is a universal truth.

Another thing would be that I don't feel like I receive any emotional support from people who are less mature or equaly mature like me. Its just like a nice thing, its like a good intention, but nothing more, and honestly I don't need it. It makes me feel good to know that I have people who do in their best to care for me, but most of the support I need... I doubt anyone could help me, maybe just very few people.

A person who has been trough life quite a deal, and is really mature, it has that 'weight" about him, that "essence" that only true maturity and wisdom can bring, I would have no problem to receive emotional support from such a person, because there really is a support there, not just a childish good intention.

The only surprise is that when I was a boy or a teen the world would seem to be full of people who were mature, now those people are quite rare.

I really do appreciate good intentions. But I think, thank God, I have finaly come to the point where I got past my emotional side, and I think and act more responsable. I have a strong need to be self-reliant, not because of pride, but because I can't stand the image of being a eternal child, troubling people with my silly needs, whatever those need would be, emotional or other needs.

That's why I have learned myself to keep to myself things that are needed to be kept to myself. After all, I have to be a realist. There would come a time when I would age and nobody on this earth could give me any emotional support, just people who would be younger than me...but this is the whole thing...they wouldn't give me anything of substance, just good intentions. So what would I do then? Waiting for support? I think being adult means being self-reliant and strong.

You make it sound like wanting emotional affection and/or support is a bad thing, or something inferior - which, you prefixing this post with the idea that women require it more than men is a bit sexist. I could be reading what you're saying all wrong, and I apologize if I am!

I think in many ways, a person who accepts and seeks out emotional affect is extremely responsible and cognitively aware. I say this because my meditation teacher - who is a guru to me - is exceptionally wise and aware, and yet holds emotional affection and support as the key to his happiness and success.

I guess it's also important to define emotional affection and attention - and support...as it's different for everyone. But I most certainly don't see it as being a character flaw at all for someone...in fact, I actually admire it.

 

[LucyJr]

You make it sound like wanting emotional affection and/or support is a bad thing, or something inferior -

For me it is a bad thing, just for me. Not inferior. Is a child inferior to a adult? No. they are just different.

- which, you prefixing this post with the idea that women require it more than men is a bit sexist. I could be reading what you're saying all wrong, and I apologize if I am!

From my observations, women are in fact require more emotional affection than man. But like I said, the world is a big place...
I don't think women are inferior to men in any way, if that's what you're getting at

I think in many ways, a person who accepts and seeks out emotional affect is extremely responsible and cognitively aware. I say this because my meditation teacher - who is a guru to me - is exceptionally wise and aware, and yet holds emotional affection and support as the key to his happiness and success.

I understand what you say, but it isn't the thing for me. you say it is extremely responsable, for me it would be extremly irresponsable. Its not about accepting, its about being dependent about it.

I guess it's also important to define emotional affection and attention - and support...as it's different for everyone. But I most certainly don't see it as being a character flaw at all for someone...in fact, I actually admire it.

Probably you are right, as we all understand things differently.
Hovewer, it seems to me that certain things should be gone when one is a adult. And receiving emotional support is one of them. And again, this is just true as I understand things, and as I read info on this topic, it might not be true for you or somebody else. I could be wrong, of course

 

[muir]

My idea was that maybe women are more in need of emotional affection than men.

Its also said that men are mostly thinking types whilst women are mostly feeling types

But what i'd say to any INFJ's listening and wondering about potential partners is don't play the martyr and think that a relationship will work with a person who is cold and has the heart of a robot just because you like them for other reasons; find someone warm and affectionate or you will end up giving much more than you get from the relationship

 

[La Sagna]

My dad who I believe is an ESFJ always needed a lot of affection. My younger brother is definitely a feeler as well and he married a woman who is not very affectionate which was a big problem for him. I do not see the need for affection as more prevalent in women. I know some pretty 'cold' women who don't seem to care one bit about getting affection and I know many men who really enjoy receiving affection. Even my ESTP husband doesn't mind affection at all and I would say likes to feel emotionally supported, although he wouldn't use those words or ever admit to having emotions. I think he would describe it more as 'being respected' or 'admired' but I think that that's his version of emotional support.

I definitely crave affection and emotional support but I don't like it when it is 'over the top'. It's hard to describe, but I just like a 'quiet' support with a sense of 'solidarity'. I don't like feeling pitied or like I need to have my problems 'fixed for me' or that I am too weak to handle things myself, but at the same time I like to feel that somebody 'has my back' and is 'in my corner' so that if I need to let loose on my emotions or just be myself no matter how I am feeling that I won't be judged for it. I don't know if this makes any sense but it's somewhat of an explanation of how I feel about it.

 

[muir]

My dad who I believe is an ESFJ always needed a lot of affection. My younger brother is definitely a feeler as well and he married a woman who is not very affectionate which was a big problem for him. I do not see the need for affection as more prevalent in women. I know some pretty 'cold' women who don't seem to care one bit about getting affection and I know many men who really enjoy receiving affection. Even my ESTP husband doesn't mind affection at all and I would say likes to feel emotionally supported, although he wouldn't use those words or ever admit to having emotions. I think he would describe it more as 'being respected' or 'admired' but I think that that's his version of emotional support.

I definitely crave affection and emotional support but I don't like it when it is 'over the top'. It's hard to describe, but I just like a 'quiet' support with a sense of 'solidarity'. I don't like feeling pitied or like I need to have my problems 'fixed for me' or that I am too weak to handle things myself, but at the same time I like to feel that somebody 'has my back' and is 'in my corner' so that if I need to let loose on my emotions or just be myself no matter how I am feeling that I won't be judged for it. I don't know if this makes any sense but it's somewhat of an explanation of how I feel about it.

Yeah its about showing someone you love them and making them feel loved

Its about picking up the mood of your loved one at the end of a hard day

It's about connecting

I also have a strong solitary streak and wouldn't say i need emotional support...in fact i'd say i'm pretty emotionally self-contained, but if i'm with someone then it's part of connecting

 

[LucyJr]

Its also said that men are mostly thinking types whilst women are mostly feeling types

But what i'd say to any INFJ's listening and wondering about potential partners is don't play the martyr and think that a relationship will work with a person who is cold and has the heart of a robot just because you like them for other reasons; find someone warm and affectionate or you will end up giving much more than you get from the relationship

I don't think anyone has "the heart of a robot". All MBTI types are Feelers also.
And from what I have observed, and in all honesty I say this, usualy the ones that you describe them to have "the heart of a robot" are more mature, responsable, and kind. Not necessarely affectionate, but they have true kindness. Figure that paradox.

 

[muir]

I don't think anyone has "the heart of a robot". All MBTI types are Feelers also.
And from what I have observed, and in all honesty I say this, usualy the ones that you describe them to have "the heart of a robot" are more mature, responsable, and kind. Not necessarely affectionate, but they have true kindness. Figure that paradox.

Not sure i agree with that

Unless we are talking about different people

The people i'm talking about are not kind

And if by 'mature' you mean unfeeling then yes they are very 'mature'

They have developed a shell around their feelings...it has ossified and that is not healthy

It shunts them a little further along the psycopathy scale and they play their part in sucking more love and colour out of the world

 

[muir]

A mainstream news story about the most decorated soldier in the british army, ex SAS soldier and author of best seller 'Bravo Two Zero' a book about an SAS raid gone wrong behind enemy lines

McNab was an orphan and i find it interesting how in the latest James Bond film 'Skyfall' the head of MI6 'M' says to Bond ''orphans make the best spies''

Something happens to people who are cut off from love....their feelings ossify...their heart hardens

There is a sliding scale with the most extreme cases being people who feel no empathy towards others at all: full blown psychopaths

Brutalising environments brutalise people which is why it is vital for the future of our species to stop wars and end poverty and make life less brutal for people otherwise we enter into a negative feedback loop as a species of violence, cruelty, oppression, brutalisation followed by worse violence, cruelty, oppression, brtalisation etc etc

Violence breeds violence

Just look at our society...we have kids playing life like shoot em up computer games growing up to be drone operators blowing up kids in other countries...endless war and violence...the hard hearts are making a world in their image and we must consciously take it back

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...acter-traits-vital-winning-lifes-battles.html

Are YOU a psychopath (and could it be the secret to success)?: New book by SAS hero Andy McNab reveals why having their character traits is vital to winning life's battles

Hello. My name is Andy McNab and I’m a psychopath. That statement comes as a bit of a shock when you first hear it, doesn’t it?
Finding out that I could be classified in this way was certainly a surprise to me but it turns out that I’m what they call a ‘good psychopath’ and it’s certainly done me no harm in life. In fact, I believe it’s the reason I’ve been so successful.
I’ve certainly come a long way since I was a kid. Abandoned on the steps of Guy’s Hospital in a Harrods bag as a newborn baby, I was adopted and brought up on a tough housing estate in South-West London. I’ve faced a lot of challenges, but one has always been pretty much like another to me.

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Two-faced: Andy McNab's new book claims that being a psychopath could be the recipe to success


If you’ve read my books, you’ll already know that I was in the British Army for 18 years. Eight as an infantryman and ten in the Special Air Service.
My first book, Bravo Two Zero, was the story of my time as part of an eight-man Special Forces operation behind enemy lines in Iraq during the first Gulf War. For that, I was decorated for bravery along with three other soldiers from the Bravo Two Zero patrol. In fact, our mission became the most highly-decorated action since the Boer War battle of Rorke’s Drift in 1879.
I’ve since written more non-fiction, thrillers and film scripts, and produced films. I’m also involved in business both in the UK and the U.S., particularly start-up ventures. I’ve gone from enemy lines to movie lines and from battle plans to business plans and I’ve never given a single thought to the possibility of messing up.

More...

• From the psychiatrist who'd never take anti-depressants, to the heart doctor who steers clear of statins, we reveal the medical treatments the experts refuse to have themselves
• Reflexology helped combat bouts of extreme insomnia: Kate Humble under the microscope

And I have always been up for stuff, whether it’s being number one through the door on a hostage rescue; going undercover in Derry with a South London accent; or, these days, talking to the board members of a company that’s going bankrupt because they don’t know their backsides from their elbows. Whatever the situation, I’ve always thought, ‘I’ll get away with it’ and I always have.
This is just one quality of the ‘good psychopath’ and I’m telling you all this because, with the help of my psychologist friend Dr Kevin Dutton, I want to show you how to make the most of your own inner psychopath. Don’t panic. We’re not trying to turn you into Hannibal Lecter, just to identify some simple psychopathic strategies for getting the most out of life.
DR KEVIN DUTTON SAYS: Whenever most of us hear the word ‘psychopath’, images of infamous serial killers flash across our minds. But psychologists use the term to refer to a much wider group of individuals who have a distinct cluster of personality traits.
As you might expect, reduced empathy for others and lack of conscience are among them. But they also include ruthlessness, fearlessness, impulsivity, self-confidence, focus and coolness under pressure.
Imagine each of these as a dial on one of those recording studio mixing desks. No one characteristic is necessarily ‘bad’ in itself. It’s the particular combination of levels at which they are twiddled up or down that matters.

Enlarge
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Bad psychopaths cannot regulate their behaviour in this way. There are many possible explanations for this, including the start they get in life and what else they’ve got going on in their personalities. But the end result is that their dials are set at dangerously high levels and either stuck fast, or very difficult to turn.
In good psychopaths, those able to adjust the settings according to different social contexts, the same traits can actually be very constructive and there are various jobs and professions which, by their very nature, demand that some of these mixing-desk dials are cranked up a little higher than normal.
For example, there’s no point having the visionary thinking and instinctive feel for the market necessary to be a top businessman if you lack the ruthlessness to fire people who aren’t pulling their weight, or the nerve to take a calculated risk when appropriate. One of the world’s leading hedge fund managers told me he produced his best returns when the markets were chaotic and panic was rife.
‘I find that environment relaxing,’ he said. ‘Take 2008, when the market was down 20 to 30 per cent. I was up 20 per cent. When markets are calm and steady, my returns are not materially different to the average. I have no advantage in that environment.’
A certain level of psychopathy is also required to be a great surgeon because you must disassociate yourself emotionally from your patients.
‘I have no compassion for those whom I operate on,’ one leading neurosurgeon told me. ‘That is a luxury I simply cannot afford. In the theatre I am reborn: as a cold, heartless machine, totally at one with scalpel, drill and saw. Emotion is seriously bad for business. I’ve hunted it down to extinction over the years.’
Soldiering is another profession in which it seems reasonable to expect some unusual settings of the dials and in 2010 I got a chance to do a radio interview with Andy, the UK’s most famous trained killer.
Some time later, he agreed to be subjected to one of the gold standard tests for psychopathy, which involves measuring subjects’ brain activity as they are bombarded with nauseating images of road accidents, torture and death.

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Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman, in the film American Psycho. Whenever most of us hear the word 'psychopath', images of infamous serial killers flash across our minds. But psychologists use the term to refer to a much wider group of individuals who have a distinct cluster of personality traits


In most of the population, these images have the grey matter firing like the brain’s answer to Guy Fawkes’ night. But Andy’s graphs were as flat as a pancake. The explanation lies in a little peanut-sized structure within the brain called the amygdala.
Ancient and steeped in evolutionary tradition, it regulates those emotions that are chiefly related to survival, including fear, anger and pleasure, and it’s where the big instant decisions, such as fight or flight, are made.
In psychopaths, like Andy, a section of the amygdala, the part that corresponds to fear, is underdeveloped and, when I explained this to him, many things about his life slotted into place.
‘Even as a kid, I never thought of anything as dangerous,’ he told me. ‘I thought of it as fun, like going through the levels on a video game.
‘In fights, I felt detached, like I was watching myself in slow motion and thinking clearly about what needed to be done and how I was doing to do it. There was no fear, no emotional connection to what was happening.’
While you might not identify with those feelings, there is evidence that psychopathy — like height and weight — lies on a spectrum. Sure, at the sharp end you may well find your serial killers and axe-murderers. But all of us have our place at some point along the continuum.
You can get a general indication of where your psychopathy dial is set by taking the test on the facing page. And remember, there is no objectively ‘correct’ setting at which your mixing-desk levels should be set.
That will always depend on the particular circumstances you find yourself in, and with our help you can fine-tune your individual dials to ensure you get what you want out of life, starting with the first and most important principle of being a good psychopath:
JUST DO IT... NOW
There are many ways to avoid success in life, but few beat procrastination. With the advent of modern technological distractions — Xboxes, Facebook, Twitter and the like — it’s steadily on the increase.
In the late 1970s, roughly five per cent of the population thought of themselves as chronic procrastinators, whereas today that figure hovers around 25 per cent.
Procrastination costs billions of pounds a year in lost profits, decreases personal effectiveness and destroys teamwork by shifting your responsibility on to others, who become resentful. It also has a negative effect on health, with studies suggesting that students who are chronic procrastinators have weaker immune systems and report more cold and flu-like symptoms than those who aren’t.
But there is one group of people who never put things off. Psychopaths.
This is down to their under-strength amygdalae. As I’ve explained, the amygdala is involved in many of our emotions and motivations. And it’s this hedonistic, spur-of-the moment part of our neuro-anatomy which sees us dreaming instead of doing, and turning on the telly instead of filing that report.
To over-ride your own amygdala, try these practical steps:
1. Visualisation.

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In psychopaths a section of part of the brain called the amygdala, the part that corresponds to fear, is underdeveloped


Research shows that when we imagine doing something — playing tennis, for instance — the same areas light up in the sensorimotor region of our brain as if we were doing it for real. So close your eyes and visualise yourself doing what you want to do. Picture yourself carrying out the task, and executing it successfully — avoiding interruptions and focusing on the job at hand.
This is one of the methods used by members of the SAS’s Counter-Revolutionary Warfare team when training for hostage rescue scenarios in the Killing House, a building at the SAS barracks in Hereford used as a mock-up for terrorist situations. ‘Before storming the Killing House, we would go through in our heads the precise drill for engaging the enemy and getting the hostages to safety,’ says Andy.
‘Lobbing in a flash-bang, a stun grenade . . . quick scan of the room . . . short burst — tap-tap — of machine-gun fire if necessary . . . room clear, move on.’
2. Focus on the future
Their dictatorial amygdalae cause procrastinators to fold in the face of immediate challenges, opting for short-term pleasure over long-term gain. So next time you find yourself putting off something important, stick your feet up in a quiet corner, and ask yourself this: Is how bad I’m going to feel when I have to rush this task under pressure going to be anything like how great I’ll feel when I’ve got it under my belt in good time?
3. Downsize your time.
Procrastinators wait for large, unbroken, marble-smooth slabs of time upon which to get started instead of rolling their sleeves up and making do with more temporary, makeshift, rough-and-ready surfaces.
That’s very different to Andy, who once told me that he hammered out large chunks of his books not in some big comfy armchair at home or some sun-dappled villa on the Algarve, but in train carriages and in the food courts of motorway service stations.
‘I spend a lot of time on the move,’ he said, ‘and you just have to work when you can.’
Recently, much of that work has gone into collaborating with me on our no-nonsense guide to being a good psychopath.
Over the course of this series, we will show you how to use psychopathic principles to get served first in a busy bar, win over that girl or guy or your dreams, and get the promotion you deserve.
You will also learn, among other things, why talking to telephone cold-callers can be to your advantage, get tips on effective dressing from Barack Obama and discover why taking a cold shower might help you get a raise.
But of course none of this will be of any use if you don’t get on and do it and, on that subject, I’ll leave the last word to Andy.
‘We used to have a saying in the Regiment,’ he says. ‘Leave till tomorrow only the stuff that you’re prepared never to do.’

Extracted from The Good Psychopath's Guide to Success by Andy McNab and Professor Kevin Dutton published by Bantam Press on May 8th, price £12.99. To order a copy for £11.49 (incl p&p) call 0844 472 4157

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[LucyJr]

Not sure i agree with that

Unless we are talking about different people

The people i'm talking about are not kind

And if by 'mature' you mean unfeeling then yes they are very 'mature'

They have developed a shell around their feelings...it has ossified and that is not healthy

It shunts them a little further along the psycopathy scale and they play their part in sucking more love and colour out of the world

I am talking about types such as ESTJs, ESTPs, ENTJs, INTJs, ISTPs, INTPs (sometimes)...those are considered by many to be "cold".
And that is just childish thinking, becasue its not true. I have experience with these types and they are far from being cold.
They are just not emotional and sentimental. They have "rough edges", but inside them, if one wins their respect and trust, they are true friends.
They are mature and responsable. I'd rather get with a ESTJ girl than with a "feeling" girl because...well, let's just say I see in them some qualities I lack and I very much respect and envy othose qualities.
But this is just me. I am a very different INFJ, and I see things sometimes a bit "non-INFJ", if we could say it like this.

 

[muir]

I am talking about types such as ESTJs, ESTPs, ENTJs, INTJs, ISTPs, INTPs (sometimes)...those are considered by many to be "cold".
And that is just childish thinking, becasue its not true. I have experience with these types and they are far from being cold.
They are just not emotional and sentimental. They have "rough edges", but inside them, if one wins their respect and trust, they are true friends.
They are mature and responsable. I'd rather get with a ESTJ girl than with a "feeling" girl because...well, let's just say I see in them some qualities I lack and I very much respect and envy othose qualities.
But this is just me. I am a very different INFJ, and I see things sometimes a bit "non-INFJ", if we could say it like this.

I'd be interested to know how you get on....for research purposes

But i would caution against a celebration of coldness...the world doesn't need more emotional detachment

 

[LucyJr]

I'd be interested to know how you get on....for research purposes

With these types I get on awesomely, if this is a good word.
I am a thief, and I steal and learn everything I can from them...

But i would caution against a celebration of coldness...the world doesn't need more emotional detachment

Its not a celebration of coldness, as I don't think there is any "coldness" in these types.
"cold" for me would be whithout moral values, something like a psychopat. Even they can be quite emotional and affectionate... and then stab you in the back...do you see why coldness vs feelings doesn't make any sense?? Because its very superficial. We have to look past the surfaces, past the appearences. At least that's my philosophy.

 

[LucyJr]

My dad who I believe is an ESFJ always needed a lot of affection. My younger brother is definitely a feeler as well and he married a woman who is not very affectionate which was a big problem for him. I do not see the need for affection as more prevalent in women. I know some pretty 'cold' women who don't seem to care one bit about getting affection and I know many men who really enjoy receiving affection. Even my ESTP husband doesn't mind affection at all and I would say likes to feel emotionally supported, although he wouldn't use those words or ever admit to having emotions. I think he would describe it more as 'being respected' or 'admired' but I think that that's his version of emotional support.

I want just to suggest that ESTPs tend to doubt highly of the stability of relationships. They need proofs, if not, they get scared, and think nobody cares about them.
This is because I, as a INFJ, can very easily see where a relationship is going, I can "feel" it, I feel its pulse. ESTPs don have this capacity, and they need constant reassurance of the love of their partener.
So I don't think your ESTP husband needs emotionl support. He is just happy that he sees some tangible clues when someone offers it. He sees it like a positive expression of a relationship, and he probably really enjoys it.

I know some pretty 'cold' women who don't seem to care one bit about getting affection

I think this is not true. "Cold" women appear as if they are like that, but in reality, they really would love a man to fulfil their emotional needs. A strong man, so she could respect him, but nevertheless, a man.

and I know many men who really enjoy receiving affection.

Those need to mature. They are probably still kids. Just my opinion...

 

[La Sagna]

I think this is not true. "Cold" women appear as if they are like that, but in reality, they really would love a man to fulfil their emotional needs. A strong man, so she could respect him, but nevertheless, a man.

Those need to mature. They are probably still kids. Just my opinion...

Sorry, but I think these two comments are off base. You don't have to be immature to like affection. In my experience the more immature people are the ones who can't handle having deep emotional relationships. The mature ones know how important it is.

And being a woman I think I probably have more experience than you in interacting with other women and believe me some are really not looking for someone for emotional support or to give emotional support. I also know a few women who much prefer weak men they can boss around. That is their preference.

 

[say what]

Sorry, but I think these two comments are off base. You don't have to be immature to like affection. In my experience the more immature people are the ones who can't handle having deep emotional relationships. The mature ones know how important it is.

And being a woman I think I probably have more experience than you in interacting with other women and believe me some are really not looking for someone for emotional support or to give emotional support. I also know a few women who much prefer weak men they can boss around. That is their preference.

I can't like this enough!!

Also, being a heterosexual woman- I can tell you there are MANY MANY men out there that need a lot more emotional support than they let on to the outer world. Part of my experience with not having my own emotional needs fulfilled, is that I was constantly giving and supporting my partner. I know A LOT of women who do this, and constantly feel that they don't receive the same support from their partner.

However, there's also a lot of men out there that experience the same thing from their female partners! I hate talking about only heterosexual relationships, because the same dynamics exist....but I want to highlight that there aren't actually gender differences with needing emotional support. However, I do think females have typically been the ones who give emotional support...but again, I believe these are two very different things!

 

[LucyJr]

Sorry, but I think these two comments are off base. You don't have to be immature to like affection. In my experience the more immature people are the ones who can't handle having deep emotional relationships. The mature ones know how important it is.

But I didn't said that because a man does not NEED emotional affection neither he does have deep emotional relationship with his spouse.

I said a man is immature if he NEEDS affection, not if he LIKES affection. A man that is grown up to be a adult does not NEED emotional support, and neither he has from where to get it. From who, from his wife?
If he has married with his mother i guess...otherwise, he might LIKE when his spouse comforts him with emotional support, because it feels good for him and somehow it can help him, but not in any sense he gets any emotional support, like really support!

Note: i'm talking about grown up adult man here, not boys that need their mother at the age of 40. Those are not men, those are still kids.

And being a woman I think I probably have more experience than you in interacting with other women and believe me some are really not looking for someone for emotional support or to give emotional support.

exceptions are always to prove the rule. Oprah proves the rule by her being "her own woman".

I also know a few women who much prefer weak men they can boss around. That is their preference.

Yes, because they don't like men who can not boss around with. that why they have a "prefference". like it is said, exception proves the rule always.

 

[muir]

With these types I get on awesomely, if this is a good word.
I am a thief, and I steal and learn everything I can from them...


Its not a celebration of coldness, as I don't think there is any "coldness" in these types.
"cold" for me would be whithout moral values, something like a psychopat. Even they can be quite emotional and affectionate... and then stab you in the back...do you see why coldness vs feelings doesn't make any sense?? Because its very superficial. We have to look past the surfaces, past the appearences. At least that's my philosophy.

There's only one way to be sure.....go and live with a cold person for many years and see if it works for you

Until you have done that you are just speculating

You have an idea in your head.....now go and see if the reality matches the idea

 

[LucyJr]

There's only one way to be sure.....go and live with a cold person for many years and see if it works for you

Until you have done that you are just speculating

You have an idea in your head.....now go and see if the reality matches the idea

I lived with them. My grand-parents are ESTJ (she) and ISTP (him). I was raised up by them a period of time. Plus I have two ESTP brothers, one ESTJ friend, another INTJ friend...liveable people all of them.

I don't see at all where lies the problem...
I think the highest good between people is peace, the virtue and value of peace. If I can not live with a "cold" person for whatever reasons that might be...what kind of person would I be, if I can't even make peace and live harmoniously with someone?
Cold or not cold, people are people. Introverts or extroverts, beautiful or ugly...it doesn't matter.

I have to say...even reading history, before all the crap that psychology sells to people and lies, common wisdom and tradition would solve all the contradictions and missundertandings between people.
"There is Alyah, he is a bit shy and timid, but he has good qualities, like generosity and humility, and also he is self-controlled. And that is Gerard, which is more sharp and quick to anger, but he is very efficient at work, and althought stuborn, inside him there is a true heart..."
You know, this sort of stuffs...people knew qualities and defects between eachother, and they helped between them. Peace was the highest good. There was mo such thing that a person could not get along with another, that was just bad. These were exceptions, not the rule.


And there would be another thing, man...honestly, many people have problems and insecurities, they self-pity themselfs, and continously remember bad experiences, instead of concentrating on the good ones and be thankful. Just completly in themselfs, all their pitiful lives. They complain and complain, about everything. Never something makes them really thankful.
That's why they don't ever get on with their lives...just something I have observed and I try to run from.

 

[muir]

I lived with them. My grand-parents are ESTJ (she) and ISTP (him). I was raised up by them a period of time. Plus I have two ESTP brothers, one ESTJ friend, another INTJ friend...liveable people all of them.

I don't see at all where lies the problem...
I think the highest good between people is peace, the virtue and value of peace. If I can not live with a "cold" person for whatever reasons that might be...what kind of person would I be, if I can't even make peace and live harmoniously with someone?
Cold or not cold, people are people. Introverts or extroverts, beautiful or ugly...it doesn't matter.

I have to say...even reading history, before all the crap that psychology sells to people and lies, common wisdom and tradition would solve all the contradictions and missundertandings between people.
"There is Alyah, he is a bit shy and timid, but he has good qualities, like generosity and humility, and also he is self-controlled. And that is Gerard, which is more sharp and quick to anger, but he is very efficient at work, and althought stuborn, inside him there is a true heart..."
You know, this sort of stuffs...people knew qualities and defects between eachother, and they helped between them. Peace was the highest good. There was mo such thing that a person could not get along with another, that was just bad. These were exceptions, not the rule.


And there would be another thing, man...honestly, many people have problems and insecurities, they self-pity themselfs, and continously remember bad experiences, instead of concentrating on the good ones and be thankful. Just completly in themselfs, all their pitiful lives. They complain and complain, about everything. Never something makes them really thankful.
That's why they don't ever get on with their lives...just something I have observed and I try to run from.

Those are not the kind of relationships this thread is talking about

But i agree with you about people knowing before what the strengths and weakenesses of community members were and them being appreciated for what they could contribute whilst perhaps helped with the things they weren't so good at

What we are talking about here is compatiblilty in one to one relationships....intimate relationships

Emotion is energy. if one person is feeding off the emotion of another then it can drain them. The ideal situation is a reciprocal arrangement

 

[La Sagna]

I said a man is immature if he NEEDS affection, not if he LIKES affection. A man that is grown up to be a adult does not NEED emotional support, and neither he has from where to get it.

I don't think that's just a 'man' thing. I don't NEED affection at this point in my life but it sure makes life more pleasant and easier to live. That doesn't mean that I couldn't live without it and still function perfectly fine.
I think that because I received a lot of affection and emotional support when I was growing up I have a certain base of self-esteem to work from that helps me be able to not need it now. However, it is well known that human beings need affection because children who grow up in orphanages or family situations where they don't receive affection grow up to have severe developmental issues. Every human being needs affection and positive human interaction, males and females equally. I think perhaps the difference is the form of affection that women and men seek, but I don't believe at all that women need it more than men. That's not my observation.