Etiquette Challenge: People Putting Themselves Down

[invisible]

Also if they actually are serious, you should probably gracefully move on to some other topic. It's not your job to fix everybody, not to mention it is unrealistic to expect people to magically come away happy just because you said "the right thing".

That kind of thing goes beyond etiquette. Practically speaking if you don't know what you're doing you could just make them worse no matter how polite you think you are. If you don't know how to handle it then you're probably not even equipped to handle it in the first place.

Thanks. I don't try to fix anyone. I don't expect to be able to make people happy by saying the right thing. I just seek to put people at ease in the social setting, have a rewarding interaction, and come away from the interaction with a good, mutually satisfying feeling about it. I think those sorts of goals definitely fall within the sphere of etiquette.

I don't make any claims about whether or not I am an expert, or whether or not I can ever be an expert at handling certain things. I don't know whether I will make things better or worse, I just seek to do my best. I only seek to improve my ways of handling things that I value. For some reasons, these situations seem to be coming up for me in my professional interactions with others, and I'm unsure of how to handle them. That is why I made this post, just because I seek to improve my performance in handling these situations.

 

[sprinkles]

Thanks. I don't try to fix anyone. I don't expect to be able to make people happy by saying the right thing. I just seek to put people at ease in the social setting, have a rewarding interaction, and come away from the interaction with a good, mutually satisfying feeling about it. I think those sorts of goals definitely fall within the sphere of etiquette.

I don't make any claims about whether or not I am an expert, or whether or not I can ever be an expert at handling certain things. I don't know whether I will make things better or worse, I just seek to do my best. I only seek to improve my ways of handling things that I value. For some reasons, these situations seem to be coming up for me in my professional interactions with others, and I'm unsure of how to handle them. That is why I made this post, just because I seek to improve my performance in handling these situations.

I think you worry too much.

 

[invisible]

I think you worry too much.

If so, I don't experience it as a subjective problem

 

[sprinkles]

If so, I don't experience it as a subjective problem

Are you concerned with you or with others here?

I'm asking because what you just described to me earlier sounds a lot like you are trying too hard to be proper. It comes across very stiff and robotic.

I think you need to look at why you want people to come away happy from your interactions. Is it because it benefits them, or is it because it means you are performing "correctly"? There's a big difference between the two.

 

[invisible]

Are you concerned with you or with others here?

I'm asking because what you just described to me earlier sounds a lot like you are trying too hard to be proper. It comes across very stiff and robotic.

I think you need to look at why you want people to come away happy from your interactions. Is it because it benefits them, or is it because it means you are performing "correctly"? There's a big difference between the two.

I am concerned with both myself, and with others.

I can't really help it if you think I'm trying too hard. I'm just trying to learn about how to handle a situation that I have been confronted with a few times recently, and which confuses me slightly.

I don't think I need to do what you think I need to do. I don't appreciate that these matters represent any meaningful flaw in my personality, or any cause for concern, or any other sort of thing that requires closer scrutiny. I'm fine with this aspect of myself the way it is. This is the way I am, and being this way is not a problem for me. But thanks though.

 

[sprinkles]

I am concerned with both myself, and with others.

I can't really help it if you think I'm trying too hard. I'm just trying to learn about how to handle a situation that I have been confronted with a few times recently, and which confuses me slightly.

I don't think I need to do what you think I need to do. I don't appreciate that these matters represent any meaningful flaw in my personality, or any cause for concern, or any other sort of thing that requires closer scrutiny. I'm fine with this aspect of myself the way it is. This is the way I am, and being this way is not a problem for me. But thanks though.

I can't help you if I don't understand you.

 

[invisible]

I can't help you if I don't understand you.

It seems that we don't understand each other here. I am just trying to explain that I am asking about the etiquette question on this thread. I don't require any special personal help or understanding. I don't experience any problems with worrying too much. I just posted this thread in order to asking about the etiquette question.

 

[sprinkles]

It seems that we don't understand each other here. I am just trying to explain that I am asking about the etiquette question on this thread. I don't require any special personal help or understanding. I don't experience any problems with worrying too much. I just posted this thread in order to asking about the etiquette question.

So basically this is not actually important.

 

[invisible]

So basically this is not actually important.

I have just become very confused, and I don't actually know what we are talking about now. I'm unsure of what you mean by not being able to help me if you don't understand me, or what is not actually important. I have just been trying to respond to those things you were saying to me in a clear way that represents my thoughts. If we have achieved that discussion then I'm happy to return to the focus of the thread.

 

[sprinkles]

I have just become very confused, and I don't actually know what we are talking about now. I'm unsure of what you mean by not being able to help me if you don't understand me, or what is not actually important. I have just been trying to respond to those things you were saying to me in a clear way that represents my thoughts. If we have achieved that discussion then I'm happy to return to the focus of the thread.

I'm trying to understand why you need to do anything different with your etiquette, and to understand that I need to understand how you relate to people and why.

Without this there's really no reason to have a specific etiquette in the first place. You could just pick one.

 

[invisible]

I'm trying to understand why you need to do anything different with your etiquette, and to understand that I need to understand how you relate to people and why.

Without this there's really no reason to have a specific etiquette in the first place. You could just pick one.

Sorry, I don't know how to explain those things about myself better than how I have already tried to explain them on this thread. I put a lot of effort into explaining those things about myself. Maybe those things about me are not entirely consistent? I'm not sure, I acknowledge that I am imperfect, and in many ways, I am very irrationally motivated. I can't entirely control those things about myself, I only try to do my best.

I wanted to know about a number of different ways that people had handled this type of situation in their own interactions with others, so that I might think about those ways, and formulate my own ways of handling the situation. It has been really helpful to me to read about those different ways that people handled that situation.

 

[sprinkles]

Sorry, I don't know how to explain those things about myself better than how I have already tried to explain them on this thread. I put a lot of effort into explaining those things about myself. Maybe those things about me are not entirely consistent? I'm not sure, I acknowledge that I am imperfect, and in many ways, I am very irrationally motivated. I can't entirely control those things about myself, I only try to do my best.

I wanted to know about a number of different ways that people had handled this type of situation in their own interactions with others, so that I might think about those ways, and formulate my own ways of handling the situation. It has been really helpful to me to read about those different ways that people handled that situation.

I get that. I was just making some observations and didn't expect you to suddenly come back with counterpoints. I didn't expect you to start explaining yourself but since you did, I thought you wanted to start a dialogue about it.

My initial point was basically to not be hung up on success in this because people are unpredictable. You say you can't even fully control things about yourself, well you definitely can't control how people respond to you. Some times you do all the right things and it still ends up wrong, which is why the right motivation and mindset makes all the difference, because it's all you have when things fail. And they will fail at some point.

 

[invisible]

I get that. I was just making some observations and didn't expect you to suddenly come back with counterpoints. I didn't expect you to start explaining yourself but since you did, I thought you wanted to start a dialogue about it.

My initial point was basically to not be hung up on success in this because people are unpredictable. You say you can't even fully control things about yourself, well you definitely can't control how people respond to you. Some times you do all the right things and it still ends up wrong, which is why the right motivation and mindset makes all the difference, because it's all you have when things fail. And they will fail at some point.

Thanks. I don't think I'm hung up on success, and I realise that I will fail at times. I just wanted to learn some ways that I might handle this particular situation better when I encounter it.

 

[sprinkles]

Thanks. I don't think I'm hung up on success, and I realise that I will fail at times. I just wanted to learn some ways that I might handle this particular situation better when I encounter it.

I understand now that you put it that way.

 

[Matt3737]

Thanks. I don't think I'm hung up on success, and I realise that I will fail at times. I just wanted to learn some ways that I might handle this particular situation better when I encounter it.

Better how? You've seemingly defined what 'better' means to you (For them to be put at ease), but present a situation where it may not be a possible outcome (at least in all situations; you have no control over how others feel).

To me, this thread reads that you seem to aspire to being a better doormat for other people. That's perfectly fine if that's what you want to do, but then the suggested outcome may seem less respectable for you personally.

People will respond to you how you present yourself accordingly.

My response to this in the past has been to just go completely silent. My rationale behind this is a boundary-setting rationale: you are responsible for you, and I am responsible for me. While I recognise that this is the most emotionally healthy approach, I also recognise that it is not the most polite approach. On the contrary, it creates something of an uncomfortable silence.

Proper etiquette went out the door when these people (unless they are personally close to you) decided to wipe their feet on you. Are they concerned about putting you at ease in the same manner that you are with them? It wouldn't appear to be a situation that you are at ease with.

If you want to go this route, I'd say spin the point. If someone says they're old, then tell them they're mature, experienced, wise, etc. If someone says they're fat, then tell them they are an exuberant, fun-loving, expressive person that other people prefer to be around. Either deny it, spin it in a positive light, or distract from it by pointing out other positive traits you believe them to possess.

I, personally, wouldn't abide by such behavior in the first place unless, of course, I had a personal relationship with them and concerned myself with their emotional well-being. I don't recall in recent memory having anyone approach me in such a manner, but if they did I'd likely just smile and shrug as if to ask, "What did you expect me to do about it?"

 

[invisible]

I appreciate responses. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, about me or anything. I'm totally not a doormat. I don't require personality analysis or personal help in regards to this issue. Please no more advice of this nature!

 

[OrganizedChaos]

Interesting thoughts. I think it etiquette in these situations depends on multiple factors. How close is the person to you? In what context is are these put downs being brought up? Are they presented to be funny? Sad? Fishing for compliments?

I find with "work friends" self-depricating comments are often presented in a comical way. I typically just laugh with them or share my own experiences in similar situations. In circumstances where it seems the person is fishing for a compliment or waiting for you to negate what they said, I think the most appropriate thing to do is gently offer encouragement and then move on to a different topic. If someone thinks poorly of themselves nothing you say or do will change that for them.

 

[Siimplicity]

in these instances, I listen. I empathize. then the conversation usually turns quickly into heated confidences being shared about self betterment and the journey of life. It's ridiculous and emotionally exhausting ; I don't love it when people do this, but I do like to leave them smiling and feeling better.