Fed up with modern dating/“quick sex”

HollyBeeTheENFP said:
I’m losing hope in people and in modern dating. I despise seeing so so many people engaging in a system that I find entirely trivial and meaningless— meeting up, having sex right away, attempting to frantically throw emotions in, seeing other people, it lasting for two months and the cycle starting all over again. Am I the only one who wants to barf at this? Am I the only one actually deep around here?

What I want is to build up intimacy with someone. Slowly, but deeply. Isn’t that what’s real? Isn’t that what matters?!

I crave the deep emotional connection SO MUCH and find it so rare. I don’t care if I have to wait YEARS for that to happen, the depth that comes that way is astronomical and incomparable to anything else. Is it not that emotional depth that brings physical connection as well?
I have done that before, of spending years of time investing in someone slowly but surely , and as that connection built it later on brought the physical side. That is SO MUCH more worth it than engaging in random sexual acts with random people .. why do people do this? Why do people start dating someone random and just have sex right away? You DONT KNOW THEM. You haven’t given them your soul. I’d much rather wait until I find someone who I want to give my SOUL to. Gosh, the depth behind that. That’s what means something. Emotionally, physically, everything. Everything else is insubstantial and pointless.
Does anyone else work this way? Are there any others who see a depth of intimacy this way?
Click to expand...

I hope you find a good man who can dance as well as this guy

 
I saw this and thought of you @Pin

tumblr_py4vseKtcL1rnvzfwo1_540.png
 
Pin said:
When I read the Great Gatsby for the first time, it taught me not to fall in love with just a pretty face.

Gatsby was right to improve himself, make his fortune but he was such a White Knight, a pathetic "cuck?"
Click to expand...
Lol it taught me grandiose romance is overrated. Or rather, it verified to me that grandiose romance and bubbly sweetums tweetums ain't the real stuff.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Pin
I admit I did not read all the preceding replies because that would have stressed me out. But! You are not alone. Most ENFPs (my husband included) and INFJs (myself included) will agree with you on this point. My advice: Wait for the right one. Don't get pressured by society into something you'll regret later - take it from me, it's not worth the hype and you just feel gross. Wait for the right one, they'll come along. My husband would tell you: Find an INFJ. Lol. He is the most happily married man he knows, and he credits a lot of our success to MBTI comparability. Not even kidding.
 
Before meeting @JamieUK92 here on the forum, I pretty much detested the dating culture and was pretty convinced I would be single for the rest of my life with 15 or so wiener dogs.

If I didn’t meet my current boyfriend, I would’ve lead that particular solo life and be with okay with it aside from the occasional lonely phases (but sure does beat having to deal with shallow interactions). Couldn’t bother much with dating apps, and when friends recommended it to me I couldn’t even last more than a week without mentally rolling my eyes and dreading the whole entire experience. Lasted exactly one month with one app and went out on at least 8 dates, hated it all lol. I just felt dating apps were a huge waste of my time and energy. Not to say there are successful stories of people who met their husbands and wives on these apps, but for me that wasn’t the case after so many flukes and men simply wanting one-night stands or something casual.

Unfortunately for people who take relationships seriously and doesn’t want anything more than casual flings, current modern dating doesn’t look so bright. But I wouldn’t entirely lose hope just yet, there are definitely people out there that do want meaningful and serious long-term relationships. Just recommend to meet those kinds of people face-to-face or other online platforms rather than simply on dating apps.
 
An interesting side-question is: do you find the friendship scene is different? It seems to me relatively hard to find intimacy there as well, though I do have success in a few cases (which is ultimately all I need).

I'd generally suggest that it helps to look for intimacy of any shape you can find, no sexual component necessary, and maybe that even helps a little in the sense that there may be a little less of the equivalent of looking for a casual fling. I suppose there's looking for an activity partner without the more intimate aspects of friendships. But I still think there's something of an advantage here, in that the absence of the hormonal stuff makes it harder to conflate seeking a real connection with something that's a poor substitute.
 
Last edited:
QuietBrave said:
I admit I did not read all the preceding replies because that would have stressed me out. But! You are not alone. Most ENFPs (my husband included) and INFJs (myself included) will agree with you on this point. My advice: Wait for the right one. Don't get pressured by society into something you'll regret later - take it from me, it's not worth the hype and you just feel gross. Wait for the right one, they'll come along. My husband would tell you: Find an INFJ. Lol. He is the most happily married man he knows, and he credits a lot of our success to MBTI comparability. Not even kidding.
Click to expand...

I agree that you should not jump at the wrong one and not allow yourself to feel pressured. But I have to say I'm not one to believe "they'll come along." It's easy for others to say that, especially if they are not the ones waiting. The reality is, many wonderful people never make that magic match. Some of them spend their lives bemoaning that lack. Others just face forward and embrace the life they have. I am hoping to keep myself open enough to the possibility without hanging my hope on it entirely, because the only thing I can really afford to hang my hope on is my independent self.

Quiet, you are luckyluckylucky to be married to an ENFP.
 
HollyBeeTheENFP said:
I’m losing hope in people and in modern dating. I despise seeing so so many people engaging in a system that I find entirely trivial and meaningless— meeting up, having sex right away, attempting to frantically throw emotions in, seeing other people, it lasting for two months and the cycle starting all over again. Am I the only one who wants to barf at this? Am I the only one actually deep around here?

What I want is to build up intimacy with someone. Slowly, but deeply. Isn’t that what’s real? Isn’t that what matters?!

I crave the deep emotional connection SO MUCH and find it so rare. I don’t care if I have to wait YEARS for that to happen, the depth that comes that way is astronomical and incomparable to anything else. Is it not that emotional depth that brings physical connection as well?
I have done that before, of spending years of time investing in someone slowly but surely , and as that connection built it later on brought the physical side. That is SO MUCH more worth it than engaging in random sexual acts with random people .. why do people do this? Why do people start dating someone random and just have sex right away? You DONT KNOW THEM. You haven’t given them your soul. I’d much rather wait until I find someone who I want to give my SOUL to. Gosh, the depth behind that. That’s what means something. Emotionally, physically, everything. Everything else is insubstantial and pointless.
Does anyone else work this way? Are there any others who see a depth of intimacy this way?
Click to expand...

YES! ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love living in a "small town" (12,000), but there aren't very many options. I wonder sometimes if I lived in a "big city" if I would have better luck finding a great match.

Meanwhile, I hate the modern dating game with a passion. I keep attending social gatherings and events, and hoping someone new will just show up and turn out to be a good fit for that lovely slow deepening of connection that leads to emotional intimacy and possibly physical.

It is worth waiting and hoping for. It is not a good idea to compromise your lovely INFJ self through trivial, meaningless, sex-focused, shallow, random, and superficial encounters. Not healthy at all, IMO.

And while waiting, I enjoy deep emotional connections with friends who are not physical prospects. But I do feel like I'm missing something.

I just wish there were more people out there who felt the same. Specifically available (and emotionally available) men in my age range in my locale. Yes, I am still singing that same song...

All I can say is, I GET IT. And I am praying for modern dating to evolve, or for more people to opt out and go rogue (i.e., meet and initiate offline).

It's a hard spot to be in, so I wish you (and me both) lots of luck.
 
All there is on the market so to speak these days is damaged and expired goods with a gem here or there that fell through the cracks, get used to and enjoy solitude as that is the only peace young people are going to get.
 
charlatan said:
An interesting side-question is: do you find the friendship scene is different? It seems to me relatively hard to find intimacy there as well, though I do have success in a few cases (which is ultimately all I need).

I'd generally suggest that it helps to look for intimacy of any shape you can find, no sexual component necessary, and maybe that even helps a little in the sense that there may be a little less of the equivalent of looking for a casual fling. I suppose there's looking for an activity partner without the more intimate aspects of friendships. But I still think there's something of an advantage here, in that the absence of the hormonal stuff makes it harder to conflate seeking a real connection with something that's a poor substitute.
Click to expand...

I find the same problem finding someone who can even think a little like me. it's hard out there as most people seem to be content watching TV or Netflix or perhaps value their inner life enough not to poke their heads out.

I've read with interest most of the thread and it seems most of us want a deeper connection that develops into something. A relationship or a friendship .. does it matter? The deeper connection is what counts.

I think with anything time will tell. I need to believe that anyway :) I've always found it harder to find partners than others do, but they do come along and the relationships are generally more vibrant (to me anyway).

Like a needle in a haystack .. the needle is there .. its those that take the time and have the patience and determination to look for it, they will be the ones to get the rewards.

Yes, and sometimes it won't ever happen .. but maybe that was the path you were destined for. Self growth is still a wonderful thing to achieve. Admittedly a feeble second place to a good relationship :/
 
charlatan said:
An interesting side-question is: do you find the friendship scene is different? It seems to me relatively hard to find intimacy there as well, though I do have success in a few cases (which is ultimately all I need).

I'd generally suggest that it helps to look for intimacy of any shape you can find, no sexual component necessary, and maybe that even helps a little in the sense that there may be a little less of the equivalent of looking for a casual fling. I suppose there's looking for an activity partner without the more intimate aspects of friendships. But I still think there's something of an advantage here, in that the absence of the hormonal stuff makes it harder to conflate seeking a real connection with something that's a poor substitute.
Click to expand...

Yes! The friendship scene is just as bad! I am indeed very lucky to be married to my ENFP - but I literally have no friends outside my marriage. I am trying (even going out and doing and starting activities, which is way outside my comfort zone), and I can't seem to meet anyone willing to go deeper than a puddle. Intimacy is really dying in "this day and age" in all spheres. I think it's just harder to go without a partner than a pal because of that natural drive for physical intimacy. It's one of the steps on the "hierarchy of needs" for a reason. I never realized how shallow friendships were until I met and married my husband. Now that those more intense needs are met (life partnership and physical intimacy), I am suffering from the lack of real depth in friendship and even community.

worthy said:
I agree that you should not jump at the wrong one and not allow yourself to feel pressured. But I have to say I'm not one to believe "they'll come along." It's easy for others to say that, especially if they are not the ones waiting. The reality is, many wonderful people never make that magic match. Some of them spend their lives bemoaning that lack. Others just face forward and embrace the life they have. I am hoping to keep myself open enough to the possibility without hanging my hope on it entirely, because the only thing I can really afford to hang my hope on is my independent self.

Quiet, you are luckyluckylucky to be married to an ENFP.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry if I seemed flippant. :( I never intended to. I was aiming for positivity. Unfortunately that context is hard to pick up on online. Sorry if I hurt any feelings by seeming TOO chill!
 
QuietBrave said:
I am trying (even going out and doing and starting activities, which is way outside my comfort zone), and I can't seem to meet anyone willing to go deeper than a puddle.
Click to expand...

Personally, I actually find that NOT basing the friendship too much around activities helps a lot get into the intimate territory.. as I kind of alluded to in the last post, 'activities' with friends are very similar to casual sex with a sexual/romantic partner. In other words, they're things where you need people (like with tennis) but don't necessarily care about the person, just their ability to engage in the activity.
 
charlatan said:
Personally, I actually find that NOT basing the friendship too much around activities helps a lot get into the intimate territory.. as I kind of alluded to in the last post, 'activities' with friends are very similar to casual sex with a sexual/romantic partner. In other words, they're things where you need people (like with tennis) but don't necessarily care about the person, just their ability to engage in the activity.
Click to expand...

Then I have no idea how to meet people. :neutral:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top