Feeling Hurt and Angry

NYLilac

NYLilac

Community Member
MBTI
INFP
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2w1
My husband and I were married in May. This is his third marriage; my second. He has a son (24) and a daughter (26) from Ex-wife #1, and an additional son (23) and daughter (21) from Ex-wife #2. All the kids are parents themselves. A few weeks ago, my younger stepdaughter invited my husband, me, my 16 year old daughter, and my 12 year old son to her place for Christmas. I adore her 9 month old son and even crocheted a blanket for him. The plans were never made definite, so I went ahead with making dinner at home. While I was in the middle of preparations, my stepson called his dad. He was visiting his sister and nephew with his 5 month old daughter and wanted us to spend Christmas with them. My husband explained that we had no transportation. My stepson said that his mother (Ex-Wife #2) could come by and pick us up. He explained to his son that he was not willing to spend time in his ex-wife's company. He would happily visit his kids and grandchildren separately.
My husband is not being unreasonable. The ex-wife is a toxic, destructive person. She made his life hell before, during, and after their marriage. She squandered his money. She cheated on him with several men. She resented his children by his previous marriage so much, she demanded he stop seeing them or she'd divorce him. How can anyone with a heart be jealous of two innocent little kids? She kicked him out to be with another man.
Divorce did not end her mind games. Whenever he moved to a new neighborhood, she would follow him there. She had him arrested for DV to retaliate against him for not giving her money when her boyfriend was the real culprit. She tried to destroy his reputation by implying that he could not be near children, My husband's CORI is clean. When she and the kids were homeless and living in her car, he gave her money to keep the gas tank full. He even gave her his $3000 income tax refund to get an apartment. She squandered the money on partying. She would harass him at work and demand money. He told her to leave him alone while he was on the job, yet she continued to hound him. He got fired. She sabotaged every relationship he tried to establish by convincing the new girlfriend that he was still in love with her.
It worked, until he started seeing me. That is because I had the good sense to observe his behavior and make decisions about our relationship based on his character. I saw that he set healthy boundaries and made me a clear priority in his life. Even after our wedding, his ex still thinks in her deluded little mind that she can get him back. Never mind that they were divorced in 2006 and he has never given her any encouragement. She sent him inappropriate text messages three months ago, addressing him as "Sexy" and "Baby." When I got into it and told her we were married and it was too late for her, she responded, "No it's not. I'll see him again soon, b!#@&." Recently she and her boyfriend's mother have circulated rumors that I used to smoke pot with them. Wow, must have been some really powerful stuff because I don't even remember it.
Just kidding, lol. I have never smoked pot, and I have never associated with these women.
That is nothing compared to the second rumor. The ex-wife alleges that I only married my husband to regain custody of my son from foster care. The boy spends weekends and holidays with me and my husband, whom he calls Daddy. She says that once my son is home full time, I am going to kick my husband out because I never really loved him. She refuses to accept the truth.
There is no way my husband or I want her picking us up. We know that once she knows our address, she will never leave us alone. She would also be grilling my kids for confidential information and using it as a weapon against us to call CPS on me and my husband out of pure vindictiveness. We are adamant about protecting my son, who is high-functioning autistic and cannot keep a secret. This home is my children's sanctuary, and my husband and I will not allow anyone to violate that.
What hurts is my stepkids' vicious response to their dad's reasonable boundaries. His son and daughter were furious at him because he refuses to associate with his ex-wife. Excuse me if he wasn't going to play along with their agenda. We also know that his ex-wife would have no guilt about trying to seduce him right in front of me. My stepdaughter blocked her father from Facebook and told him not to call her again. This is her standard response when she does not get her way.
My husband loves his kids and his grandkids. He and I were looking forward to seeing them. He only refused to deal with his ex. Why, or why, are they trying to make him feel guilty? It hurts me to see him treated like this. Please help.
 
At 21 and 23 his kids may not be old enough to know everything there is to know about sundered marriages, even if they are technically parents. If they don't know what you guys know, or rather, why you both are taking the stance that you are, then of course there's going to be guilt tripping and resentment, and there's no guarantee that they'll believe or agree with your explanation if you choose to give one to them (with all of the details that you've included here).

Ex 2 is already fucking with your head apparently. There's no need to drop details to us forumites about your husband's record being clean or anything. It kind of suggests (to me) that you're too much on the defensive about rumors when you're declaring to random internet people that he has a clean CORI. From what you've said, ex 2 will probably thrive off of any attention that you give, especially if you're getting sucked into texting conversations where you're trying to convince her that it's over between her and your husband.

It sounds unfortunate, but also par for the course with regard to large family constellations with multiple children by multiple marriages. I don't think this is a situation where we can "help" you. If you and your husband can continue to remain stable, which includes things you've done like setting healthy boundaries, then you've done what you can. You can't make the stepkids understand in the case that their primary source of information is a vindictive mother. You can't make ex 2 stop being obsessed, especially if you give her psychological ins by interacting with her, even if it's to tell her "go away". It may take the stepkids time to mellow with age as they encounter difficulties raising their own kids.

I think the only non-productive thing you can do is to get unduly focused on the necessity of changing the behaviors of others as the source of your stress. Not that you are necessarily doing that, it's just that you're dropping some hints that your (you and your husband) happiness is increasingly held hostage by these extended family members, which threatens to remove your sense of personal control, and make you emotional slaves to what the exes and the steps do. It may hurt, but it's possible that the most important thing you can do right now is to stick to your guns and accept that this is a situation that's painful for both your family, and his previous family, and for good reasons on both ends. There might not be an emergency quick fix for it, and trying to resolve the situation when emotions are still running high may be counterproductive. A hard pill to swallow, especially during the holidays.
 
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We have had no contact with his ex. Her MO was to see him on the street and corner him. The most common theme was, "Your son has gotten into trouble and you need to give me money to bail him out." He insisted his kids learn from the consequences of their choices. He is an ESTJ: sociable, connected to his community, helpful, traditionalist, believer in logic and fairness. He changed his cell phone carrier and number in October 2012 to cut costs and to stop her from constantly calling him. Since he moved in with me, we use my home phone service. We also kept my address confidential to maintain ours and my kids' privacy.
She sent the texts this past September. We don't know how she obtained his number. Perhaps she snooped at one of the kid's cell phones. We'll never know. It really doesn't matter. I just want to have a good life with this man.
I don't think it is problematic for exes to be in the same location for holidays or special events (ie, graduations, baby showers) as long as they both are behaving appropriately and respect one another's current relationship realities. The heart of the matter is that my husband did not feel right spending time in his ex-wife's company, and his kids' attempting to make him feel guilty was extremely hurtful to him.
 
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I had no illusions that this was gong to be easy. And I understand on a visceral level that my happiness and what I make of my life are totally up to me. I know that my step-kids have been hurt by their mom's behavior and that can be very difficult to overcome. If I were to analyze my thinking, I would say I'm determined to keep my family together and safeguard it from any perceived dangers. I love my kids, both bio and step. I had an ex who let his kids' mom control him, and my husband, thank God, is nothing like that. I work hard to keep my family on track, and so does he. We are raising my three minor kids (girl age 16, boy age 13, and boy age 12: I also have two adult daughters) and helping his elderly father. The help consists of running errands, helping him keep track of his finances, and dealing with paperwork. My husband has also dealt with some health issues, both acute and long-term. I see to it that he takes his medicine and sees the doctor when necessary. I love this man and want to keep him around for a long time.
Heck, I have to keep track of meds for three people. I think I need a pharmaceutical license, lol.
I encourage my husband to call and visit his kids. Is wanting peace such a bad thing?
 
Nope, wanting peace isn't a bad thing at all.

His kids are probably being hurtful because (possibly) from their perspective, they're the ones being hurt. It might just look like dad is snubbing them at a time of year that's especially important. Yeah, you've got plenty of good reasons, but if they're not privy to that, well, there you have it.
 
My husband did not snub his kids. He told them very clearly he would be happy to visit them separately from their mom. He has never told them to hate her or dictated their relationship with her. That is completely separate from what happened between him and her in the past.
 
There's no need to defend him because I'm not criticizing him. What I'm saying is put yourself in the kids' shoes and you might understand why there's resentment. They have a right to feel angry that dad chose to stay away for Christmas dinner, hence feeling snubbed. The fact that he did so for the "right" reasons is completely beside the point. What I'm getting at is that this doesn't sound to me like a situation where one party is "right" and another party is "wrong". Maybe I'm utterly mistaken about the circumstances. Making the right choice sometimes has painful consequences.

I'm not reflecting much about what you've done right because you've already detailed that well enough. You seem super sensitive about justifying your husband's decisions. I'm not theorizing about the kids' viewpoints in order to paint you or him as bad or irresponsible. I'm suggesting that you pay attention not to why their actions are unreasonable to you, but to why their actions seem reasonable to them. They may be misinformed, selfish, etc etc, but understanding their motivations may help you and your husband to be more at peace with the fact that that part of the family just has issues. Kids who don't have, or refuse to accept the big picture can be assholes to their parents. It happens alot. They're young and possibly self-absorbed or unable to understand why you and dad stayed away for dinner even if you tell them straight. Maybe they won't understand unless it happens to them down the road.
 
My wife refuses to go somewhere and be happy where someone that cheated on her is going to be. Bad vibes. The rest of the family acts like everything is fine, but it's not. Two decades and it is still like that. Ruined 14 plus years of her life. Some scars are left in places that are difficult to, if ever, heal. When her daughter got married, my wife's parents rushed in and sat at the table with...him. We sat in the rear. She hates them for not understanding that. I think it kind of weird, too. Found out later they tried to convince her to overlook it. Stay with him. They look at me as a fifth wheel that got in the way.

Greater is he who tries to help patch a wound, than he that pushes his foot into it to cause more pain.
 
My husband just spoke to his brother, who has been in a long term relationship with the sister of my husband's ex-wife for several years. It turns out that the ex-wife and her boyfriend both got drunk at my stepdaughter's place. How awful that my step-grandson was exposed to that horrendous violation of propriety. And to think my kids would have witnessed that if we had gone there!
 
Getting drunk in the presence of minor children= Just not done in my world. I shudder to think of being stuck in that place with my husband, my kids, an intoxicated driver (no way in hell would I ever ride with one- my cousin died in a single vehicle DUI accident at age 21), and no way to get home except to walk four miles.
My husband and I have decided to focus on the good things we have rather than the drama from malcontents who can't stand to see others happy when they themselves aren't happy. As the dog from the pound told Lady in Lady and the Tramp. "Miserable being must find more miserable being; then, he's happy."
 
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