Friend Zone

[midnightmelody]

Filipina eh?
I'm honorary filipina! Hehe. I have only met 1 or 2 filipinos that I didn't like. It is so rare. In fact, the super nice guy (the one that seems like he might get friend zoned) that friend zoned me was half filipino. He was so adorable. I can't get on this tangent again, though.

And yeah, it is much much too limiting. It also doesn't help that I'm not even exposed to many blacks in the first place, and the ones that I am exposed to usually come on much too strong for my taste. There isn't much diversity in my whole state, and that is a little disappointing to say the least.

 

[Shai Gar]

From what I've read, this happens to INFJs a lot because they want to get to know a person friendly-like before deciding whether to have a relationship.

Suits me just fine. I prefer dating friends. This way at least I know they're worthwhile.

 

[Fizzitster]

Try to see it as an advantage. Friendships can last a lifetime. It all depends on your perspective of course, but as I see it, being viewed as friendship material is a great blessing. I think friendship is undervalued in our society, whilst far too much emphasis is placed on romantic relationships. If you consider how short lived we are, and that the sexual years of our lives are only one stage, you can begin to develop an appreciation of the value of friendships. To have people to share your journey for as long as either one of you is alive - if you are prepared to work at it - whether friends for life - or romance for as long as it blooms - and then the friendship which follows... well think about it. You are already at an advantage to those guys who girls would rather date and ditch than build a meaningful friendship with.

It is true that girls often prefer to date guys who they USED to think of as "just a friend: - the idea is that if he can be a best friend and a great boyfriend, he'll be an amazing husband. "We've been through so much together!" sound familiar? A relationship is more likely to succeed when both partners have already had a long while to get to know each other without worrying about romance.

...In other words, take time to really get to know her before you make a move. Just make sure you don't act too brotherly, because no one wants to date their brother.

 

[Serendipity]

I've set up a tent in the friend zone.

But seriously. It gets old -- everyone I like doesn't like me back, and everyone I don't have much interest in likes me almost too much (think stalker)

Paah! Welcome to my world! I guess it doesn't help that I'm so picky and have no idea how to openly flirt, but I've been rejected by every guy I've pursued except two. And I married one of them. Didn't work out so well!

Perfectly decent gentlemen have shown interest and I just couldn't return it, almost taking pride in the thought of being so picky. It was never a must-have-blonde-hair-blue-eyes, picky. Just someone who I was physically and mentally attracted to. I was waiting for my perfect man to come and sweep me off my feet. But every time I found "him" (which is extremely rare), he either had feelings for someone else or was recovering from a past relationship. I have terrible luck.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

Paah! Welcome to my world! I guess it doesn't help that I'm so picky and have no idea how to openly flirt, but I've been rejected by every guy I've pursued except two. And I married one of them. Didn't work out so well!

Perfectly decent gentlemen have shown interest and I just couldn't return it, almost taking pride in the thought of being so picky. It was never a must-have-blonde-hair-blue-eyes, picky. Just someone who I was physically and mentally attracted to. I was waiting for my perfect man to come and sweep me off my feet. But every time I found "him" (which is extremely rare), he either had feelings for someone else or was recovering from a past relationship. I have terrible luck.

Most of mine are absolutely great...except they're gay. Or they think it's too weird. :/ And I'm even a pretty good flirt! I'm not really sure what my problem is there...but I am very picky. And it takes a lot of time for me.

That might be it.

 

[BenW]

Reminds me of something...

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

 

[midnightmelody]

Shai, you speak the truth.

And the one time I did jump into a relationship I ended up betraying my expectations and hurting myself. Not fun at all.

 

[necoconeco126]

From what I've read, this happens to INFJs a lot because they want to get to know a person friendly-like before deciding whether to have a relationship.

Suits me just fine. I prefer dating friends. This way at least I know they're worthwhile.

Yes, i like to know the person before jumping into a relationship. However, i learned that if done incorrectly, you could end up messing up your friendships too..

I don't want to make this my excuse, but the fact that I am black and I typically don't fall for black guys doesn't really help my situation. Not everyone is comfortable with interracial dating/relationships.

FINALLY someone understand me!. I'm a filipina and its to be expected that filipina girls like me date filipino boys.BUT I can't imagine myself dating just within my race lol..it's limiting.
My friend, men come is all sorts of flavors. We gotta try different ones eh?

Yesss, I am the same way...black/filipina but interested in guys of other races. but yeah, just kinda had to add myself in there too it tends to be a kind of uncommon thing where I live.

 

[Sloshy Joshy]

black/filipina? nothing wrong with that....

 

[J. Cardigan]

I prefer to get to know a girl before trying to go on a date, but it's a pretty fine line to walk. I'm not really worried about the "friend zone" because I mostly think it's overtly paranoid BS. If it makes anyone feel better, I wound up dating a girl I had been friends with for five years. It crashed and burned, and we were friends for awhile afterward. She's about to go off to college though and seems to be brushing me off to the side. I don't think I could care less.

As of late, if I can flirt pretty naturally with a girl then I ask her on a casual date. If I want to be friends then I'd hope it's pretty obvious, but going out to coffee usually implies "I'd like to get to know you better, and maybe if the cards are right we can shoot for something more."

I also have the bad luck of giving some girls the impression that I'm into them when I'm really not. Maybe they just look way too much into kind gestures.

 

[Orion]

I get the whole "getting to know someone" thing and I would agree but this girl I like, I don't actually know her, but I feel incredibly drawn/connected to her. I've spoken to her many times and still don't really know her, I think she's guarding herself because of a previous bad relationship.

 

[HaHa]

I get the whole "getting to know someone" thing and I would agree but this girl I like, I don't actually know her, but I feel incredibly drawn/connected to her. I've spoken to her many times and still don't really know her, I think she's guarding herself because of a previous bad relationship.

If you feel drawn/connected to her, but don't really know her and want a chance to get to understand her better, what could be a more pure and honest reason for asking her out?

 

[Orion]

Already have, multiple times. Fell through. Sent frustrated message. Awaiting reply.

 

[HaHa]

Already have, multiple times. Fell through. Sent frustrated message. Awaiting reply.

That sucks. Been there. If she's not interested, her loss. Judging from your picture, I'm sure there are tons of women out there who would love to go out with you.

 

[Orion]

Your making sound as if she ain't gonna reply!

Judging from your picture, I'm sure there are tons of women out there who would love to go out with you.

Ahahha, ahahah ahahahhaha!!! No.

 

[Faye]

I'm not really sure what my problem is there...

More chocolate coating, less clothes?


JK....


I think everyone, even particularly attractive women, gets rejected a significant amount. It is a part of life.

Others seem to rush into bad relationships. I think that being single is better than rushing into a bad relationship. People in general need to learn to communicate better. Oh well....

Another important thing to consider is that most of us live in cultures where how you are expected to meet someone is not how INFJs would ideally like to meet someone.

 

[sassafras]

Maybe I'm just too friendly with my friends, but every serious relationship I've had started with a breach in this mythical "friend zone." But I suppose it also helps if your friends are all hot.

Seriously, though, I think this friend zone theory has the potential to become just a self-fulfilling prophecy. The rule to every relationship has always been that it takes two to tango. If a person is not interested in dating you, they won't. 'In' or 'outside' of this purported friend zone. If they were interested before you became friends, they will get interested again. Guaranteed. If not, its a hard truth, but maybe you're just not their type.... and in which case, you shouldn’t be wasting your time pining after someone isn’t interested in you in the first place. Takes two to tango, remember? Put yourself in their shoes. If you aren't interested in a person, you're not going to override you who are just to avoid hurting their feelings. You aren’t interested. Period. Friend zone, non-friend zone. The true colors of your match up are going to show.

If anything, the 'friend zone' should be called the "true color zone." People get to know who you are. If they don't see anything they like, it's going to save you and them some time from going through the motions of a relationship only to discover you're not much of a match in the first place.

But hey, you gain a friend instead. And one can never have too many friends.

My two cents.

 

[AUM]

Maybe I'm just too friendly with my friends, but every serious relationship I've had started with a breach in this mythical "friend zone." But I suppose it also helps if your friends are all hot.

Seriously, though, I think this friend zone theory has the potential to become just a self-fulfilling prophecy. The rule to every relationship has always been that it takes two to tango. If a person is not interested in dating you, they won't. 'In' or 'outside' of this purported friend zone. If they were interested before you became friends, they will get interested again. Guaranteed. If not, its a hard truth, but maybe you're just not their type.... and in which case, you shouldn

 

[Tamagochi]

If anything, the 'friend zone' should be called the "true color zone." People get to know who you are. If they don't see anything they like, it's going to save you and them some time from going through the motions of a relationship only to discover you're not much of a match in the first place.

I would tend to disagree - at least for the male side of the fence. Simply put if I do have feelings for a certain girl but I'm restricted to "just friends" then how can I ever be true? Men are visual - they know what they want when they see it and they don't need a safety zone at all.

 

[gloomy-optimist]

The only issue with my friend zones is that they're always awkwardly weird. Not awkward for us, perhaps, but awkward in the idea -- we're usually affectionate, teetering somewhere between friend and lover, but without any real sexual content.

But it gets hard to tell who's interested and who's not, and who's confused and who's not, and who wants it but is afraid to take the next step, etc.

For the most part, I don't mind the friend zone, cuz I love having friends. Once that confusion gets involved, though, it gets messy.