Great connection but no physical attraction

Stu said:
It may be he has held onto the friendship because he yearns for more, giving him a chance may be the best thing for him. Then you will know for sure and he will at least have had what he has been pining for.
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I'm sorry. I love you Stu but this is just horrible advice.

So he gets her just to have it taken away when she finds someone better? He gets to be a consolation prize because eh why not, he is there, she thinks she likes him maybe even if she isn't attracted to him.

That is just shitty.
 
Jet said:
I'm sorry. I love you Stu but this is just horrible advice.

So he gets her just to have it taken away when she finds someone better? He gets to be a consolation prize because eh why not, he is there, she thinks she likes him maybe even if she isn't attracted to him.

That is just shitty.
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Are we really in a position to decide what is good for this guy? He must know her way better than we do and be aware of the possible consequences. Let us suppose that if this thing he has is never consummated....He may never be able to move on, just linger there in her periphery, ready to be her emotional support whenever she is down on the off chance that she will love him. I say he deserves a shot. Who knows, maybe he will not be all that into it. He is a grown man and if he wants her and she is willing who are we to rain on his parade?
 
Stu said:
Are we really in a position to decide what is good for this guy? He must know her way better than we do and be aware of the possible consequences. Let us suppose that if this thing he has is never consummated....He may never be able to move on, just linger there in her periphery, ready to be her emotional support whenever she is down on the off chance that she will love him. I say he deserves a shot. Who knows, maybe he will not be all that into it. He is a grown man and if he wants her and she is willing who are we to rain on his parade?
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If she is open about it, him being unattractive to her, and he agrees then yeah if he wants to that's fine.

But I shave not gotten that impression. it's more like OP suddenly finds herself alone and now is using this dude as a back up, already prepared for it to not work.

IDK that I can ever support someone using someone else for a relationship.
 
Jet said:
If she is open about it, him being unattractive to her, and he agrees then yeah if he wants to that's fine.

But I shave not gotten that impression. it's more like OP suddenly finds herself alone and now is using this dude as a back up, already prepared for it to not work.

IDK that I can ever support someone using someone else for a relationship.
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Well maybe he can just use her for a hole then?
 
 
the said:
Well maybe he can just use her for a hole then?
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If he is open about it and she agrees...go right ahead.

I'm just not advocating for using people simply to be in a relationship.
 
Jet said:
If he is open about it and she agrees...go right ahead.

I'm just not advocating for using people simply to be in a relationship.
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I agree that consent should be agreed upon with all parties.
 
She did say 'great connection' as well, to be fair it's not as simple as poster 'using' bloke friend. I think they've been friends for nearly a decade so she has obviously been circumspect until now. I think it seems pretty normal now she's scratching her head, and thinking how he is a descent guy. I mean to be honest, after having a few run in's with a fair few arse holes- women / anyone reconsidering their priorities seems pretty reasonable to me. Anyway I guess, it's a pretty sure bet she's not going to go for it anyway.
On a different angle, I'm not advocating it because I believe in free choice, but some people who have had arranged marriages say that they were able to love their partners. When you think about that situation and the obvious lack of choice, it's pretty interesting. I guess some people believe that love can be a 'choice'.
 
Artemisia said:
My best friend and I have known each other for 9 years. He is, in every way, a great guy, supportive, ticks all the right boxes, and is monogamous. We talk nearly every day for many years. He has expressed in the past that he is attracted to me but unfortunately I do not find him physically attractive. I wish I did because I know we would make a great couple and he would be there for me.
Question: have you had a case like this in the past? Did you consider it? I mean, what if I do end up sleeping with him and the physical attraction grows on me later?
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Nobody can answer this question but yourself. I went digging for a meaningful well thought out answer to help you make an enlightened decision and I found this response to a similar situation. I hope it helps you in making a decision.

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=...ether/&usg=AFQjCNHlY6esoPapCrXt6imDmPIP0S6Rqw
 
@Artemisia
Since you've been on this forum, a constant theme has been the clash between your ideals for relationships, and the reality of your relationships.

Perhaps a more realistic ideal will erase many of the dilemmas you experience.

In a negative sense, this can be called "lowering one's ideals", but in the positive sense, it can be called "idealising the authenticity of reality."
 
Overall... what are you hoping a potential relationship with this gentleman will be in the long-term? Do you think you would stay with him? How would a relationship affect him? How would it affect you? If you are this uncertain, and you go into a relationship feeling this uncertain, do you think that would be a stable enough foundation upon which to build a relationship? Can you see yourself staying with him? If you start a relationship with him and then have to let go because you don't find him physically attractive, what are you going to tell him? Can you foresee yourself breaking his heart because the premise of your relationship was wrong from the get go?

I'm a little different because who someone is, their intelligence, their goodness, who they are as a person affects how I see them. Someone could be objectively physically attractive, but if they're a sh*tty person, that's what I see. I won't find them appealing in the slightest. They'll be repugnant to me. I can see then what you mean then by maybe they'll "grow on you" or something to that effect, but for me, if I already knew all these great things about this person, that would have already happened. I'm probably just weird, but the beauty in a person for me leads me to see beauty throughout the person. You have described great things about this individual in detail, but yet, nothing more has progressed for you. They're still "a nice guy, but harsh on the eyes."

Do you think something worthwhile could come from this? Do you think it could do either of you any good?
 
hush said:
Overall... what are you hoping a potential relationship with this gentleman will be in the long-term? Do you think you would stay with him? How would a relationship affect him? How would it affect you? If you are this uncertain, and you go into a relationship feeling this uncertain, do you think that would be a stable enough foundation upon which to build a relationship? Can you see yourself staying with him? If you start a relationship with him and then have to let go because you don't find him physically attractive, what are you going to tell him? Can you foresee yourself breaking his heart because the premise of your relationship was wrong from the get go?

I'm a little different because who someone is, their intelligence, their goodness, who they are as a person affects how I see them. Someone could be objectively physically attractive, but if they're a sh*tty person, that's what I see. I won't find them appealing in the slightest. They'll be repugnant to me. I can see then what you mean then by maybe they'll "grow on you" or something to that effect, but for me, if I already knew all these great things about this person, that would have already happened. I'm probably just weird, but the beauty in a person for me leads me to see beauty throughout the person. You have described great things about this individual in detail, but yet, nothing more has progressed for you. They're still "a nice guy, but harsh on the eyes."

Do you think something worthwhile could come from this? Do you think it could do either of you any good?
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Could she be happy, if not also excited?
 
Flavus Aquila said:
Could she be happy, if not also excited?
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She could be a whole lot of things, but I'm not her, so I don't know what she is, nor what she could be. I hope she's happy and/or excited, that'd be nice.
 
If you don't find him attractive in any way that a romantic relationship won't grow, then don't be more than friends with the guy.
 
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Horatio said:
If you don't find him attractive in any way that romantic a relationship won't grow, then don't be more than friends with the guy.
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Exactly! If after almost 10 years of knowing this awesome guy and he hasn't gotten more physically attractive to OP, well it's unlikely to happen at this point.

Personality and intelligence make someone grow more attractive to most women....this just doesn't sound on the level.
 
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