Great connection but no physical attraction

Yeah, it's a horrible feeling when your more physically into someone then they are to you so I would try to avoid being on either end of that scenario.
 
I have a slightly different perspective.

I wasn't physically attracted to the man in one of my most significant relationships. At least, not at first. We'd been kind of, sort of friends in high school and we shared some of the same social circles, but I never even considered him a possibility. He was just not my physical type. Like, at all. Didnt register on my radar as a man I could date.

But as time went on, we started hanging out more. There was definitely chemistry. Not physical chemistry but personality chemistry. We matched wits and intellect and shared the same sense of humor and we just... clicked. We shared all the same goals, held similar perspectives, ambitions, compatible ideas about how life should be lived. Just like your guy, he ticked all the right boxes. But if anyone asked, it was just 'he's nice but no.' At the time, I had plenty of other options. The type of guys that were chatting up my housemates and I were in a completely different physical league and I always figured I'd find someone like my previous boyfriends.

It was a drunken make out session that changed my mind about things. Not that I condone drunken hook ups as a way to test the waters, as the whole thing took us both by surprise, but I don't think we would have gotten together if it hadn't happened. I would have never guessed, but it turned out we had a lot of physical chemistry too and so I decided to give him a shot. We were risking much given our living situation and interconnected social circles but the connection was undeniable. We ended up dating for a long, long time.

Romantic attraction is complex. I think physical allure is important and plays a role but it is not necessarily the whole story. Some people you really click with in mind and heart and, eventually, the body follows. Sometimes you really don't know why you're drawn to a person until you give it a go.

So I don't know what to tell you, @Artemisia. Your situation is uniquely your own and mine may not necessarily compare. We may have different personalities, expectations, goals, motives, etc., etc. But all things considered equal, I wouldn't rule someone out based on their physical attractiveness if you feel there's something else there. And I think you know it when you experience it. There is a difference between the heart and mind connection between people who are just friends and the mind and heart connection between people who might be more. If you ask me how you can tell, I don't know. You just can. Sounds trite, maybe, but it's true.

You may have to go with your gut on this one.
 
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^@the said if he made more money he might be more attractive.

Money doesn't make people more attractive...only I imagine to superficial people. Users basically. I can't understand people getting with someone for money, that seems pretty low to me.
 
melissa* said:
^@the said if he made more money he might be more attractive.

Money doesn't make people more attractive...only I imagine to superficial people. Users basically. I can't understand people getting with someone for money, that seems pretty low to me.
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Get real Melissa.
 
ihavenofriends said:
uh did you mean to quote the?
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yes @the
the said:
Get real Melissa.
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I'm saying I don't relate to it...in terms of my own personal moral compass I'm glad I'm not like that. I know people are motivated to stay with other people for financial reasons, I'm not completely naïve, and great for them, they can do as they like. Even if I was in great dire straits and some rich guy came along and wanted to 'rescue' me I would not go for it if the money was the primary reason for being together. I'm not being a moral prude, I just know that's not for me.
 
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Artemisia said:
But if I find someone else, I be attracted to him but may not have the same emotional connection. Also, it is not so certain that said person will love me back or even stay with me whereas with this guy it is more likely since he both loves me and finds him attractive.
Oh, the dilemma!
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I think for me the heart/head link matters more than anything else. I hope I am not being judgemental but from what you post I see a lot of concern for yourself, and the impact it might have on you later on. I don't seem to see much/any for this potential partner or the impact it may have on them ?

If this person is really a friend that you care about, I think you need to consider that aspect very carefully before you do anything else. Especially if as you believe he is 'far more attracted to you' and you think of him as 'ugly'. My immediate reaction to seeing that description was a little shocked. I think you can express that you are not attracted to a person without describing them as ugly.

For me, there are a lot more 'ugly' things in the world aside from someone's physical appearance. I thought women generally were angry about being assessed based soley on their appearance? Physical features fade and change, a persons character is far more lasting. To me that is a much more important thing, and that being with someone is at least as much about their happiness and well being, as our own.

Just a thought.
 
I have experienced this before...

Eventually I had to turn her down, and it wasn't easy. The deciding factor was that she was 6 years younger than I and far less mature. I figured she needed to grow, and that we were simply on different paths. Physical and sexual compatibility is also very important and that's something I didn't have with her.
 
My advice to artemisia, since I generally have this bad habit of reading a thread title and posting my experience without scanning the pages-

Accept him as he is or not at all, but of course this is a situation you need to figure out for yourself. Be genuine, be kind. If he doesn't match your ideals, then you have already found your answer.
 
melissa* said:
yes @the

I'm saying I don't relate to it...in terms of my own personal moral compass I'm glad I'm not like that. I know people are motivated to stay with other people for financial reasons, I'm not completely naïve, and great for them, they can do as they like. Even if I was in great dire straits and some rich guy came along and wanted to 'rescue' me I would not go for it if the money was the primary reason for being together. I'm not being a moral prude, I just know that's not for me.
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Feel the same. I would be uncomfortable. I'd prefer to have someone whose financial situation is similar to mine so that we have a sense of equality in the relationships. If I was not doing well financially, I would consider a handout from a male friend since I've done the same, but a relationship based on money is not appealing, oddly enough. I am not looking for a sugar daddy as a partner. Nope.
 
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Artemisia said:
My best friend and I have known each other for 9 years. He is, in every way, a great guy, supportive, ticks all the right boxes, and is monogamous. We talk nearly every day for many years. He has expressed in the past that he is attracted to me but unfortunately I do not find him physically attractive. I wish I did because I know we would make a great couple and he would be there for me.
Question: have you had a case like this in the past? Did you consider it? I mean, what if I do end up sleeping with him and the physical attraction grows on me later?
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things will get sort out eventually.
 
I'm curious about people's physical preferences here. It's kind of a silly thing cause you think you like "types" but then you meet someone that's different that makes you go hnnnnng.
 
Horatio said:
I'm curious about people's physical preferences here. It's kind of a silly thing cause you think you like "types" but then you meet someone that's different that makes you go hnnnnng.
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I don't think 'type' is necessarily meant strictly as a rigidly defined category of traits (though it definitely could boil down to it). It could just as simply mean 'a physical appearance I personally find attractive.'
 
Artemisia said:
My best friend and I have known each other for 9 years. He is, in every way, a great guy, supportive, ticks all the right boxes, and is monogamous. We talk nearly every day for many years. He has expressed in the past that he is attracted to me but unfortunately I do not find him physically attractive. I wish I did because I know we would make a great couple and he would be there for me.
Question: have you had a case like this in the past? Did you consider it?
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Well in my case, it was a female friend. She was dating someone at the time too, so I was like... naw fam.

Miss me with that bullshit.

I mean, what if I do end up sleeping with him and the physical attraction grows on me later?
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Nah.

Just be nice, don't lead someone on.
 
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