Happy alone yet lonely. The heart of the INFJ.

melissa* said:
That happens for me. Since finding out about INFJ I am just starting to understand why this has happened all my life. I have some close friends I feel very relaxed with, but quite often in other situations I loose myself in the dynamic. I consider myself a people person too. Recently I fell out of a social group because I realised that this dynamic you describe^ was happening to me, and I wasn't comfortable about it, but didn't know how to change it. I do enjoy people's company but not the feeling of being miss-read, or just being conscious of other's needs. There's got to be room for me there too. It's better with closer friends though, and other sensitive types are less taxing, even if I don't know them so well. As it's my nature to be like this it's interesting noticing it and wondering what to do about, and whether I can change something to make things better?
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You both have spoken my reality as well.
 
Ive learned through the years how to be in groups of people and not get drained. I think it became a natural instinct. ..it just happened. If I dont prepare first...if I get thrown into a group I have not prepared for...its ugly.
 
Eventhorizon said:
Ive learned through the years how to be in groups of people and not get drained. I think it became a natural instinct. ..it just happened. If I dont prepare first...if I get thrown into a group I have not prepared for...its ugly.
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How do you prepare, out of interest. Might help me, is it something you can explain (I think maybe not).
 
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melissa* said:
How do you prepare, out of interest. Might help me, is it something you can explain (I think maybe not).
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I prepare in many different ways. Making sure there are people I know there so that I can disengage myself from people I do not know and actually have some place to go rather than another group I dont. Have an exit plan for if things get bad. Make sure I have access to alcohol. When arriving some place unknown locate areas that will likely have less people throughout the day or evening. Have responses to socialist tendencies ready and at hand for when faced with the uninformed rather than trying to talk through anger....
 
Zen said:
I am truly happy alone and comfortable with my thoughts, dreams, ideas and philosophies. In short in my mind. This can go on for a few days or even a few months.

But after a three month cycle I start feeling lonely. That is when I let people in. I invite family over, I go to a play or a movie. I talk to the person I usually do not talk to per say. I often feel I have so much to offer but no one is listening. I inspire a few along the way and then I'm exhausted . I just want to be alone again.
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My interpretation is you are someone who doesn't need much social stimulation but when you do, and seek it out, it isn't meaningful. I might suggest breaking out of your comfort zone and finding like-minded people who really understand you. This way the interactions you have feel meaningful and nourishing. It demands an effort, but it could be done, and your social energy threshold will actually increase as a result.

The longer we stay isolated from others, the lower tolerance we having being around them and interacting. I remember being almost isolated for a year a while back and talking to people felt like a P90x exercise.
 
Eventhorizon said:
I prepare in many different ways. Making sure there are people I know there so that I can disengage myself from people I do not know and actually have some place to go rather than another group I dont. Have an exit plan for if things get bad. Make sure I have access to alcohol. When arriving some place unknown locate areas that will likely have less people throughout the day or evening. Have responses to socialist tendencies ready and at hand for when faced with the uninformed rather than trying to talk through anger....
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That all sounds like good advice (apart from the meeting socialist types- as I am one of those anyway)... but seriously, I am glad that I can take these social concerns and unease feelings more seriously now...rather than just feeling vaguely uneasy and wondering why the heck why.
 
melissa* said:
That all sounds like good advice (apart from the meeting socialist types- as I am one of those anyway)... but seriously, I am glad that I can take these social concerns and unease feelings more seriously now...rather than just feeling vaguely uneasy and wondering why the heck why.
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Its called being an introvert. Until about 5 years ago I did not know what that meant and what I did know wasn't good. I had always heard introvert being used as a negative description. Mbti opened my eyes to a lot since then. Stick around here and I think you will learn more than you ever knew you didnt know.. :)
As for being a socialist I really doubt you are. Most people dont really understand what that means and for those who think they do, theyve never had to live it. If they did I think they would decide its not something they ever wanted or intended. Of course there are those few who would and... well I wont go there.
 
I desensitized by introvertion by going to controlled crowds, than uncontrolled ones. By that i mean- controlled crowds- like having dinner with 10friends, or movie theater, coffee shops.. crowds where there is just enough stimuli and where i can safely enjoy people watching, observing people's behavior in society, have at least a pleasant conversation.
I avoid going to Uncontrolled crowds like a midnight sale, places where there is too much stimuli.
 
Eventhorizon said:
As for being a socialist I really doubt you are. Most people dont really understand what that means and for those who think they do, theyve never had to live it.
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Our views are obviously very different, but I beg to differ. Jeremy Corbyn UK Labour Party is a good example of Socialist values. Sadly many in his own party feels he's too far to the left, and they want labour to be left of centre,- barely anything different than the Tories. Which is not something I agree with at all. So no I'm definitely left and liberal and a socialist all the way, and I know what it is.
 
melissa* said:
Our views are obviously very different, but I beg to differ. Jeremy Corbyn UK Labour Party is a good example of Socialist values. Sadly many in his own party feels he's too far to the left, and they want labour to be left of centre,- barely anything different than the Tories. Which is not something I agree with at all. So no I'm definitely left and liberal and a socialist all the way, and I know what it is.
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Really???? Answer me a few questions if you dont mind then. How do you feel about someone telling you what job you can have. How much money you can make. Where you can live. How long you have to work through your life. Where your kids can go to school.
 
Eventhorizon said:
Really???? Answer me a few questions if you dont mind then. How do you feel about someone telling you what job you can have. How much money you can make. Where you can live. How long you have to work through your life. Where your kids can go to school.
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This situation you are describing^ is already happening in the US and in Europe to varying degrees. This change that has impoverished people is the end result of the proliferation of capitalism in western society since the 1980's. Most parties on the 'left' are also to blame. This gutter politics and policies that rob the people - privatisation, lowering wages, public services etc. It's all stitched up, we've been stitched up. Sadly there's a long, long way to go before were going to be able to reverse the harm that's been caused. 'Trickle down' economics was one of the serious fallacies that should never have happened. There's no reason at all why people shouldn't be able to live reasonably comfortably, retire at a descent age, choose their school etc. The resources are there, and they are available, just not to everyone.

If you want to have an argument tell me how people's standard of living in the US or Europe is better now than it was 30-40 years ago. I think most people would agree that it is in fact, in many crucial ways, worse.
 
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melissa* said:
This situation you are describing^ is already happening in the US and in Europe to varying degrees. This change that has impoverished people is the end result of the proliferation of capitalism in western society since the 1980's. Most parties on the 'left' are also to blame. This gutter politics and policies that rob the people - privatisation, lowering wages, public services etc. It's all stitched up, we've been stitched up. Sadly there's a long, long way to go before were going to be able to reverse the harm that's been caused. 'Trickle down' economics was one of the serious fallacies that should never have happened. There's no reason at all why people shouldn't be able to live reasonably comfortably, retire at a descent age, choose their school etc. The resources are there, and they are available, just not to everyone.

If you want to have an argument tell me how people's standard of living in the US or Europe is better now than it was 30-40 years ago. I think most people would agree that it is in fact, in many crucial ways, worse.
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You did not answer any of my questions.
 
Eventhorizon said:
You did not answer any of my questions.
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I think if you look again you'll see that I did. Listen, there's no way in a million years were ever going to agree, so I'm not getting into a dog fight. Right.
 
melissa* said:
I think if you look again you'll see that I did. Listen, there's no way in a million years were ever going to agree, so I'm not getting into a dog fight. Right.
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You did not. Are you saying you would like that to happen to you or that you would not. These are the things that socialism brings.
 
dang said:
This resonates with me. I am coming to the conclusion that I am a loner and that my default mode is as a hermit. This summer I made a tremendous effort to put myself out there and be social. I met a bunch of people. At times I was like a social butterfly. But then in August everything started to shift. I was drained. Too much drama, disappointment, rejection, confusion, and frustration. So I started scaling back. And door slamming (A skill I have mastered). I prefer being left alone most of the time. I feel like a misanthropic empath. Or a friendly loner. Or an abandoned alien like ET. I find people intriguing, but not very dependable. At this point in my life, friends seem like a burden. People are too complicated and self-absorbed and inconsiderate. I know I require some deep connection, but dating and hanging out with most people feels like a chore. I wish I had more to offer in the way of a solution, but sadly I do not. I try to focus on accepting myself and not comparing myself to others. I guess anything that makes you healthy and happy and authentic that doesn't harm anyone else must be fine, right? Having perspective helps. But feeling ambivalent about socializing and relationships is always going to be very challenging. There really is no easy solution. If there were, I probably would have discovered it by now.
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This captures how I have felt working in the Office environment, especially this year. I started working from home about a month ago and there are so many benefits for me. I still go into the office now and then as needed and I get enough social interaction by meeting with clients at strategic intervals.
 
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