Helping my girlfriend

[bickelz]

Woah, slow down there. You do not know this person, and I believe going insofar as to call a person a bigot based off a second hand report, when the individual claims to like her quite a bit, is crossing a line.

Well, that bit was a joke. You took the phrase "personality bigot" seriously?

But really,

1. Dump Her
2.???
3. Profit!

 

[IndigoSensor]

While I personally feel this relationship is less then ideal based off what was stated. Bluntly stating "dump her" comes across as really a bit too cold. I mean, it seems to me like he is trying to explain to us that she is not as bad of a person as the initial post makes her out to be. If she were truly "that bad", I am disinclined to think that the relationship would have persisted for this long. Additionally, he wants to work with her, and see if the damage that has been done can be prevented in the future. I think it's worthwhile to try. Further, I do not feel that jokes such as that should be interjected in a serious discussion such as this. It can and does come across different then is intended. In particular when jokes would not be expected.

That being said, I really would like to echo what arbygil has said, keep the end game in mind. Nevertheless, I don't think enough time has passed yet to accurately assess if the relationship is worth ending or not. Considering that new effort is being put into it. Based off what I have seen, yes I feel that this relationship is unlikely to work out, but it's not so bad that it isn't worth trying as he is right now.

 

[arbygil]

Thanks for the replies. It helps a lot.

She is becoming better. I have been able to refuse if I have something very important to do. But she often feels that I waste my time reading books or doing my stuff. So if I have spent an evening in my own thoughts, either reading, writing or anything else, she wants attention. I give her attention. I think her problem is accepting that I like to spend time on my own. Because she does not like to be alone.

She has accepted it more and more. She is not a princess in my eyes. I have often told her off, but rarely without a little fight or something else.

She is young, not used to live without her parents, and soon we will be separated for almost 4 months. This period will be the first time she have to truly be on her own.

I will not do anything with the relationship as of now. But I will talk to her about my issues and make it very serious.

I must say that I am actually more happy than you would think. But as many of you probably now, it is hard for others to understand us. This is what bothers me most.

cheers

Okay...but I have one other question for you: Do you love her, or do you love being wanted? Because if you truly love her and you don't mind doing all these things for her while receiving little in return, then you won't feel as if she's taking advantage of you. You'll enjoy it.

But if you love being wanted, then that's a dangerous, slippery slope. That can be really co-dependent because you're self-worth is coming from being needed, rather than wanting to love someone. And if she grows and changes and becomes less dependent on you, you'll end up becoming unhappy.

I say, take a serious look at your relationship and ask yourself if you love her or if you love taking care of her. Make sure you know the difference before the relationship gets too deep.

 

[uuu]

Whelp, looks like we've got another STJ on our hands.
These Te dom people can come across as very confident and knowledgeable, but they have a lot of frustration with who you are, and once they know you well (or even not) they'll let you know. Standard advice: run.
Stop thinking about what you want and what she wants, and just ask yourself if you are happy. If you're not, then stop tricking yourself into the idea that "it'll all get better in time."

 

[not sure]

Whelp, looks like we've got another STJ on our hands.
These Te dom people can come across as very confident and knowledgeable, but they have a lot of frustration with who you are, and once they know you well (or even not) they'll let you know. Standard advice: run.
Stop thinking about what you want and what she wants, and just ask yourself if you are happy. If you're not, then stop tricking yourself into the idea that "it'll all get better in time."

I think this post is a little unfair to STJs and Te-doms.

 

[Saram]

The five steps of assertiveness.

1) tell her what the problem is
2) tell her how it makes you feel
3) tell her how you would like it to be
4) tell her the consequences if she does not comply
5) follow throw

I am not proud to admit, that when my sister died, my behaviour was...let's just say, it brought out the worst in me. The beast. My husband, then boyfriend, had to lay down the law with me because I was taking a lot of my anger on out on him, and I was getting out of line. We have a very healthy relationship now. You need to set standards, and if they are not met, then you can't remain.

 

[Agapooka]

I don't know how you got into this situation, but...

Ti might help.

It will help you detach yourself and observe the entire situation.

Also, disregard what has been said about giving and taking. You say that you don't expect to get anything and that's beautiful. Do not let anyone tell you that taking should be part of a relationship.

That said, if someone is taking from you instead of letting you give to them, realise that this will hurt you.

If anything, try to find a way to teach her this lesson.

Interestingly enough, you might have to find ways to GIVE to her, actually give. What you're doing now is responding to her demands. Don't do it automatically. If you love her, though, do give to her. Do unexpected things. Do not give in to her demands, though. Don't let her use you or take from you this way. Just help her when you believe she truly needs it and foster her independence otherwise.

If you're going to stay with her, she might as well learn a few of those basic life lessons she's been missing out on...


Agapooka

 

[uuu]

I think this post is a little unfair to STJs and Te-doms.

I think this is like saying, "Jails are unfair to criminals."
It's true, it's not nice to put people in boxes/criticize them, but I think there's something inherently difficult about INFJs and STJs. We don't get along. There are plenty of great people who will be less frustrated by STJs and will have a successful relationship, we're not just one of them.
I don't want the OP to be mean to his friend. Instead, I think he just needs to get out of there.
But elaborate, please. Did I make any unjustified assumptions about them? If so, please tell me, I'm known to do that.

 

[the]

Whelp, looks like we've got another STJ on our hands.
These Te dom people can come across as very confident and knowledgeable, but they have a lot of frustration with who you are, and once they know you well (or even not) they'll let you know. Standard advice: run.
Stop thinking about what you want and what she wants, and just ask yourself if you are happy. If you're not, then stop tricking yourself into the idea that "it'll all get better in time."

Not every STJ is Te Dominant.

 

[uuu]

Not every STJ is Te Dominant.

You're absolutely right, that crossed my mind but I assumed she was an ESTJ. ISTJs are Si dominant, but they are also effective Te users (auxillary function). Thanks for clarifying, and to all, I apologize if I cam across as judgemental.