How do you approach your significant other's weaknesses?

acd said:
I guess I just accept weaknesses or prefer to let the other person do their own self improvement. I wouldn't be with someone I had to nag or beg to change. People have flaws and things develop and you can choose to accept it because you love the person. But I'm thinking of the big stuff when it comes to weaknesses-- spending problems,drug and alcohol problems, infidelity, gambling, etc. I couldn't accept any of that and wouldn't give it a place in my life. You guys might think it's selfish but I'm just being real in that I won't let my partner's or anyone's weaknesses drag me down. I don't think the onus is on one party to overcome issues or to make the other person fix them. If the relationship matters just as much to either party they won't get engaged in any of that. I'm not thinking about someone who is a little messy. I think when it comes to chores both people should be ready to split tasks. My husband takes care of the stuff I'm no good at and I cover the stuff he doesn't like to do.
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I agree with this
 
Pin said:
I'm used to taking advantage of weakness.

That's why I'm single. :tearsofjoy:
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@acd what if you partner, who has always been the perfect person for you, a healthy parter, and abided by all the rules you set together at the beginning of the relationship has a traumatic experience that mentally affects them, or becomes depressed or suicidal, has a health issue that causes them to withdraw, or develops any other major issue that causes an unhealthy dip many years into the relationship? You could bale on what has always been a healthy relationship until that moment, or you could confront the issues and help them improve. If you won't tolerate these things under any circumstances then leave. If you bale you are missing out on the depth of love you'll share after you get through it, though, and the person turns back into your healthy partner.

Plus, like the OP suggests, there are little things that happen like sharing chores that couples need to talk about and aren't a big deal.
 
Asa said:
@acd what if you partner, who has always been the perfect person for you, a healthy parter, and abided by all the rules you set together at the beginning of the relationship has a traumatic experience that mentally affects them, or becomes depressed or suicidal, has a health issue that causes them to withdraw, or develops any other major issue that causes an unhealthy dip many years into the relationship? You could bale on what has always been a healthy relationship until that moment, or you could confront the issues and help them improve. If you won't tolerate these things under any circumstances then leave. If you bale you are missing out on the depth of love you'll share after you get through it, though, and the person turns back into your healthy partner.

Plus, like the OP suggests, there are little things that happen like sharing chores that couples need to talk about and aren't a big deal.
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I think that's something they can't really help and you vow in sickness and in health. But I'm not going to say that it's acceptable for someone depressed and traumatized to become a drug addict or alcoholic or start cheating or engage in any other life destroying decisions. I won't make a place for that. I would like to say it's either you get help and treatment and I support you while you do it or you refuse and it's over. You relapse it's over. But choosing those things is just that a choice. And it's one that will affect your spouse.
Because regardless of what they suffered those are still choices and they are still capable of choosing to lean on spouse for help and get therapy or treatment or lean into addiction or whatever other destructive thing and drag those they love into the pit with them.
 
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Xx Dog Lover xX said:
For example, if they're a bit too slobby: do you help them clean; educate them on cleaning; clean for them; pay someone to clean for them; overlook it; a combination, or something else?

I'm curious how you approach something you believe needs improvement? Or if you'd address it at all
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I'm very much a live and let live, unless it directly impacts me.

So, I let my partner figure out what's important to them. If they ask me for help, I help. Otherwise, it's none of my business.

Unless it is. If something they're doing is driving me nuts, then I figure out what I'd like from them and ask them if they're willing to make a change. I like the DEARMAN format. I think it honors both people in the request.

If they say no and cannot or are unwilling to make a requested change, then I need to either accept, or, if it's serious enough, distance myself.

ThomasJ79 said:
Talk, talk, talk. Listen. Be heard.
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Communication is essential. I often say that if a person is feeling resentful, that means there's a boundary they need to set that they're not tending.
 

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Xx Dog Lover xX said:
Brilliant @tovlo

Thank you for attaching the DEARMAN document, as I've never heard of this tool

Out of curiosity, where'd you initially stumble upon this resource?
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I used to teach DBT skills to teenage girls and their parents. :-)

Glad it seems like it might be helpful.
 
I might nag but I try (work in progress) to be equally open to being nagged about stuff. Sometimes I just have to step back and allow consequences to play out (i.e. Not obsessing about how I think it takes a concerted effort to see that everything in the house with a screw top is left with the top completely unfastened) and bite my lip as lamentation floats out of the kitchen because ranch has spilled all over the fridge. I can be equally frustrating. I know for example that my zealousness with certain chores cycles. One month I might be doing crazy amounts of laundry and always ensuring that the trash gets placed out. Next month I will probably have shifted focus to some other areas and entirely neglect the previous ones.

I think that regardless of the how partners annoy each other, the ability to overcome these differences and remain functional is what's important.

Edit: This is mainly referring to small stuff though, not major fundamental differences.
 
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Xx Dog Lover xX said:
For example, if they're a bit too slobby: do you help them clean; educate them on cleaning; clean for them; pay someone to clean for them; overlook it; a combination, or something else?

I'm curious how you approach something you believe needs improvement? Or if you'd address it at all
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First...I think if you don't like something the way it has been done , do it yourself...and avoid the drama, now if that turns to be the regular average just don't make a big deal out of it and ask him for help or tell him what to do! Lol! I'm bossy yes I'm bossy ! Hahaha some people just don't know...but u can always tell them hahaha humor is key!;)
 
Frankly, my attitude is usually just to treat it as a mechanical problem to be fixed, no different than fixing a broken refrigerator.
I might like a clean place for the peace of mind it brings, but I don't really value a person's ability to clean up, heck maybe some day futuristic AI will do that -- I don't really care how it's done, so much as it's done.

So I'll just explain that, and if it's a basic need for me, we'll maybe analyze together how to make it comfortable for them?
If they express difficulty doing something a certain way, I take that seriously and leave it up to them, although if I see a genuinely obvious problem with their reasoning, I'm forthright.

All this only applies to people I'm close to, by the way.

I usually love people as unconditionally as possible, and not really for what they can do or anything (again, at the extreme, we can probably replace almost every form of task-completion with a being that can do it better, so that just doesn't seem to me a great grounds to love).
That shows in my approach to weaknesses. I approach improving those in as detached a way as possible, so I never really have a vibe of 'wanting to fix my friend' ... albeit I do strive for the kind of unconditional caring where we don't feel threatened telling each other stuff frankly (point being nothing I say has any bearing on how high they are in my eyes).
 
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About the nagging stuff, I tend to view it as a matter of understanding their mind. If I'm around a person I care for, who cares for me, I suspect they really do WANT to do stuff to make whatever better for themselves/me, so it's really just a matter of figuring out why it's so hard.

A large part of this is just realizing... why expect that it be easy for them? Frequently enough, I'm willing to just entertain the idea that heck, they may not be built to deal with that type of situation that well, and maybe we can improve it, but maybe not. That should always be a strong option born in mind, else one can make the person feel blamed and overwhelmed when they're actually trying.
 
I approach our weaknesses with as much love as I can muster, seasoned with hope and understanding. If she is having a bad time, I take that into consideration and wait to see how it pans next time around.

I remain thankful we are still together, as tough as it has been at times.
 
acd said:
I guess I just accept weaknesses or prefer to let the other person do their own self improvement. I wouldn't be with someone I had to nag or beg to change. People have flaws and things develop and you can choose to accept it because you love the person. But I'm thinking of the big stuff when it comes to weaknesses-- spending problems,drug and alcohol problems, infidelity, gambling, etc. I couldn't accept any of that and wouldn't give it a place in my life. You guys might think it's selfish but I'm just being real in that I won't let my partner's or anyone's weaknesses drag me down. I don't think the onus is on one party to overcome issues or to make the other person fix them. If the relationship matters just as much to either party they won't get engaged in any of that. I'm not thinking about someone who is a little messy. I think when it comes to chores both people should be ready to split tasks. My husband takes care of the stuff I'm no good at or don't like to do and I cover the stuff he doesn't like to do.
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Pretty much this.
 
Unless the person sees this as a goal for themselves, your harping on it will probably be a negative in the relationship. If anything, it may even make them more disinclined to deal with it. The idea that you must improve a partner to make them more acceptable to you is almost like infantalizing them. You are not their parent. Putting yourself in a position of a parent will not improve things.

If a bad habit or deficiency is a deal breaker, move on. No one likes a nag.
 
Asa said:
Our cleaning situation is weird because due to our current set-up I do most of the cleaning. Like @Daustus' wife, he is an INTJ. I'm not sure if it is a type thing, but he leaves stuff out like she does. I'm not OCD, but I want everything to have a place. It can be difficult to keep the house clean because he takes advantage and doesn't even put his clothes in the hamper or dishes in the dishwasher. As a result, I insist we budget for purchases that will help organize the house or making cleaning faster and easier. I try to minimize our possessions and keep a house (as far as decor, etc) that is easier for me to keep clean and organized, too.
We used to share chores 50/50 and we never had any issue with one or the other slacking, but he still liked to pile things up. Hahaha.
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Yeah... the funny thing about that is that if something is organised mentally then it's organised. If a thing has a place (which it will), then it kind of doesn't matter if it's in that place or not - it's sufficient for the system to exist in theory, if not in practice. The initial organisation of things can be engaging, and then occasional big clearups subsequent to that, but most of the time I barely give a fuck (within limits).

So I'm going with... yes. It's an INTJ thing.
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
Yeah... the funny thing about that is that if something is organised mentally then it's organised. If a thing has a place (which it will), then it kind of doesn't matter if it's in that place or not - it's sufficient for the system to exist in theory, if not in practice. The initial organisation of things can be engaging, and then occasional big clearups subsequent to that, but most of the time I barely give a fuck (within limits).

So I'm going with... yes. It's an INTJ thing.
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I'm like this in my studio and people have told me all my adult life that my studio is a disaster. In my studio things are where they should be. It is organized but I don't spend my creative time tidying because that is "busy work". If I'm working on something I leave the supplies out until the project is complete. So, the paints will be out.
 
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