How do you find good friends and relationships if you can't be bothered about socializing?

selfHater07 said:
I'm in a relatively new city, I only know 3 people here and my German is yet far from fluent, so I have no idea where I can go for socializing which I can fit in and will enjoy. I have signed up for a meetup next week, I will see how it goes.
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Try a language exchange group or meetups? Good on you for being proactive!
 
selfHater07 said:
I have tried a lot of times to persuade myself to socialize, but really just cannot be bothered. Be it clubs, bars or even Mosques (I know it's hilarious to put them in the same sentence, but I happen to be a Muslim, albeit with very week spirituality at this moment in time, but a lot of Muslims use Mosques as a place for socializing). I have always been like this, even as a kid, no matter wherever it is, be it my tiny home country in South Asia or be it north-western Europe where I've been living for a decade. My mom and I always used to have fight cos she just couldn't make me go to social events, like weddings, celebration events, class parties, etc. Most things I enjoy doing can be alone, traveling, cooking new things, programming, reading, singing etc.

Having said all the above things I wrote, I'm not shy at all. In fact, if anything, people sometimes get amazed about straight forward I can be. I also don't have difficulty making friends if I do happen to meet people. Which is why, I do have some friends who I met during my university days. But after leaving University I haven't really managed to make new friends. As for relationships, I never really had one, even though I dated a few.

Is there anyone else who is like me? Who can't be arsed about socializing? If yes, how did you find good friends and girlfriends and have relationships? I ask this question especially to the guys, because we have to do the actual work for finding relationships, women usually have it quite easy. In some cases, women don't even have to socialize that much, guys somehow manage to find them anyway, lol.

So, please enlighten me. Thanks.
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I read something once (although I can’t remember where)... and it said something along the lines of... you just HAVE to force yourself to socialize. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert but being TOO introvert is not a good thing. You have to force yourself to schedule a dose of socialization every once in a while, just like you have to force yourself to go to the gym. It’s out of your comfort zone but it’s good for you. Like force yourself to have lunch with your coworkers at least 2 days out of the week then attend a social event at least once a month... something like that.
 
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Undercaffeinated INFJ said:
I read something once (although I can’t remember where)... and it said something along the lines of... you just HAVE to force yourself to socialize. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert but being TOO introvert is not a good thing. You have to force yourself to schedule a dose of socialization every once in a while, just like you have to force yourself to go to the gym. It’s out of your comfort zone but it’s good for you. Like force yourself to have lunch with your coworkers at least 2 days out of the week then attend a social event at least once a month... something like that.
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Yep. I will make plans and then want to dip out last minute but I make myself go anyway. And I never regret it. It's always a great time. The last time was a few weeks ago when some old co-workers wanted to meet up for drinks. And we got caught up and bonded more and had a great time. Was so worth it.
 
acd said:
I'm going to be soooo extroverted when this coronavirus thing blows over... (For about a week.)
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Lol. People are complaining that I don't text them back quick enough now, so extroversion invades even my solitude.

That's the real virus here, isn't is? Extroversion.
 
I second Meetup! I didn't especially want to go and meet new people but I found an event that I actually wanted to go to but had nobody to go with and this group was going. I've been to a few more and it's mostly films at the cinema with drinks before or after so not too much full on socialising for its own sake. Also, it's a horror film group so there's an easy go-to common interest. I did not think it was for me but I've had some good times.
 
acd said:
Yep. I will make plans and then want to dip out last minute but I make myself go anyway. And I never regret it. It's always a great time. The last time was a few weeks ago when some old co-workers wanted to meet up for drinks. And we got caught up and bonded more and had a great time. Was so worth it.
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That’s good! I definitely would choose to stay home and binge on good shows vs. going out... then I started to realize that my family/friends stopped reaching out because they were just so used to me rejecting their offers to hang out. I started to realize that wasn’t necessarily fair of me to do to them and it was rather selfish of me... so I’m the last few years I’ve tried to be better about saying yes to gatherings and not being what people refer to as a “party pooper.”
 
Undercaffeinated INFJ said:
That’s good! I definitely would choose to stay home and binge on good shows vs. going out... then I started to realize that my family/friends stopped reaching out because they were just so used to me rejecting their offers to hang out. I started to realize that wasn’t necessarily fair of me to do to them and it was rather selfish of me... so I’m the last few years I’ve tried to be better about saying yes to gatherings and not being what people refer to as a “party pooper.”
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....I've done the same in the past and it really upset friends who didn't understand I was in extreme introvert mode. So now I push myself to go and end up having a great time anyway. We just have to get out of our own heads sometimes.
 
selfHater07 said:
I have tried a lot of times to persuade myself to socialize, but really just cannot be bothered. Be it clubs, bars or even Mosques (I know it's hilarious to put them in the same sentence, but I happen to be a Muslim, albeit with very week spirituality at this moment in time, but a lot of Muslims use Mosques as a place for socializing). I have always been like this, even as a kid, no matter wherever it is, be it my tiny home country in South Asia or be it north-western Europe where I've been living for a decade. My mom and I always used to have fight cos she just couldn't make me go to social events, like weddings, celebration events, class parties, etc. Most things I enjoy doing can be alone, traveling, cooking new things, programming, reading, singing etc.

Having said all the above things I wrote, I'm not shy at all. In fact, if anything, people sometimes get amazed about straight forward I can be. I also don't have difficulty making friends if I do happen to meet people. Which is why, I do have some friends who I met during my university days. But after leaving University I haven't really managed to make new friends. As for relationships, I never really had one, even though I dated a few.

Is there anyone else who is like me? Who can't be arsed about socializing? If yes, how did you find good friends and girlfriends and have relationships? I ask this question especially to the guys, because we have to do the actual work for finding relationships, women usually have it quite easy. In some cases, women don't even have to socialize that much, guys somehow manage to find them anyway, lol.

So, please enlighten me. Thanks.
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I have casual acquaintances or work "friends". Nothing like I had in High School or my early 20's. But that's ok. I solely focus on my immediate family (wife, children, grandson) and I'm good with that. I understand it might be different for those who are younger or have no family.
 
selfHater07 said:
I have tried a lot of times to persuade myself to socialize, but really just cannot be bothered. Be it clubs, bars or even Mosques (I know it's hilarious to put them in the same sentence, but I happen to be a Muslim, albeit with very week spirituality at this moment in time, but a lot of Muslims use Mosques as a place for socializing). I have always been like this, even as a kid, no matter wherever it is, be it my tiny home country in South Asia or be it north-western Europe where I've been living for a decade. My mom and I always used to have fight cos she just couldn't make me go to social events, like weddings, celebration events, class parties, etc. Most things I enjoy doing can be alone, traveling, cooking new things, programming, reading, singing etc.

Having said all the above things I wrote, I'm not shy at all. In fact, if anything, people sometimes get amazed about straight forward I can be. I also don't have difficulty making friends if I do happen to meet people. Which is why, I do have some friends who I met during my university days. But after leaving University I haven't really managed to make new friends. As for relationships, I never really had one, even though I dated a few.

Is there anyone else who is like me? Who can't be arsed about socializing? If yes, how did you find good friends and girlfriends and have relationships? I ask this question especially to the guys, because we have to do the actual work for finding relationships, women usually have it quite easy. In some cases, women don't even have to socialize that much, guys somehow manage to find them anyway, lol.

So, please enlighten me. Thanks.
Click to expand...


The thing is not the people in general, just the right people for you, nay? Friendships should be mutually beneficial (mentally, spiritually or whatev.), trying to potentiate the efforts and aspirations on both sides... That just means work and some higher standards, as some pointed out already. Majority of people won't surpass the "weather talk phase" and I found it too straightforward and weird to just ask them something deeply personal right upon meeting them to just get there, to them, to the core... not that I would like to get there with everyone, but just skip the small talk, get to the real stuff, get a look on their persona and then decide about them. But the hassle of everyday work life (post-uni, that is) is just different enough not to give many opportunities, so you'll just have to look for places where you enjoy spending time enough to socialise a bit, quieter, more your thing (and then maybe expand...). Hobbies are a good start.

I have, by circumstances, got my hands on Deep Meaningful talk cards (sound preposterous, but...), that actually help to skip small talk quite effectively, but not every occasion or social event is a good place to try them out. It's basically a variation on 36 questions that lead to love (just deep talk and then thrill&vulnerability of gazing into someone's eyes for a prolonged period of time). They are personal, slightly uncomfortable questions (you remembering someone and vice versa almost guaranteed) and that takes getting used to because it also forces you to speak about your life, in detail. You can get inspiration there:
https://www.fusionmovement.org/resources/product/dmc
http://36questionsinlove.com/

But must be done wisely, otherwise, you'll end up with some rather intimate information about people you'll probably not interact ever again...(and them having something about you as well)
I've used it in various situations, with various people, but always in an environment where I found I would actually like to get to know people, even though my friend list has severely limited places ...Just distinguish the usefulness of asking something like that.

You probably aren't looking for superficial ties with many, but deeper with few, that might help. Choose places with good comfortable/uncomfortable ratio, judge the situation and go for it.And don't forget about the maintainance parts.
:)
 
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