[ESTP] How Do You Handle Passive Aggression?

What is your preferred method?

  • Stomp it out immediately

    Votes: 15 62.5%

  • Wait for an opportunity to confront later

    Votes: 3 12.5%

  • Cry

    Votes: 1 4.2%

  • Starve the passive aggressor of attention

    Votes: 8 33.3%
  • Total voters
    24
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Votes are interesting though. Over 80 percent say they stomp it out immediately.

Doesn't align with my experience at all. Not many people are quick to confront.
 
I voted to stomp it out asap, but it really depends on why it is being done as such verses the person just coming forth and stating what is on their mind. There could be any number of reasons someone is afraid to vocalize their thoughts. I take a mental note and attempt to work on getting that person to communicate over time.
 
My usual response to passive aggression is to try to confront their behavior immediately, however, if I know this person is someone who generally does their best, I try to work with it and find a way to meet them in the middle. ie. they have something they need to get across, and may not feel they have permission to.

However, passive aggressive people usually want to maintain the perception of being "pleasant" and it may conflict with their needs and because they may not feel the right to assert their way vocally, they rather turn it into a situation where the other party feels is in the wrong. ie. "it's not a me problem, it's a you problem" rather than, "this is just how I operate and have no shame in telling you". Though, I don't think they intend to come across that way and may have a lot of anxiety about confrontation.

I think, if it weren't for my sensitivity, I could even see passive aggression behaviors as just someone trying to be pleasant and just go on about my day not realizing someone has an issue with something. However, in a recent situation, the person in question made a joke and something felt off about it, I felt maybe that they were not ok with something. Then I gently asked them about it via text, if they were ok about it. After many texts, this person did eventually say they were not ok with something, and I complied according to their wishes and thanked them for stating what they needed.
 
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I have several ways that I deal with passive aggression and it depends on the circumstances.

1: I will meet passive aggression with outright aggression to force the conflict ahead.
2: I will ignore it completely and pretend like I didn't detect the passive aggression because FUCK YOU, I'm not interested in being manipulated into answering to your petty fucking shit.
3: I will ask the passive aggressor for clarification in a non-confrontational way and give them an opportunity to back peddle or come forward with what they want to say more clearly.

How I choose which method will depend on who the passive aggressor is, my relationship to them, where and how they're injecting it into the discourse and whether or not I care about how they feel.

If I am in a professional environment I will choose option 3 first and escalate to option 1 if need be. If it's a good relationship I will start with 3, move to 2 and finish with 1 if I'm sick of it. If I don't care I will just stick with 2 unless it becomes chronic then I will automatically default to 1 every time it happens once I reach a threshold for bullshit tolerance.

I like to watch and wait before I decide to act in any way. Most of the time I just don't care. If someone wants to get my attention they can have a real conversation with me and not try to dig at me on the sly. If they don't have the balls to do that I won't reward their behaviour with my energy or attention.

If a person I am close with is passive aggressive with me it is almost unforgivable.
 
SpecialEdition said:
How I choose which method will depend on who the passive aggressor is, my relationship to them, where and how they're injecting it into the discourse and whether or not I care about how they feel.
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SpecialEdition said:
I like to watch and wait before I decide to act in any way. Most of the time I just don't care. If someone wants to get my attention they can have a real conversation with me and not try to dig at me on the sly. If they don't have the balls to do that I won't reward their behaviour with my energy or attention.
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yup, same
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
I think you're right here.

I also think there's a cultural difference in how this is addressed. In 'honour cultures' - and if you're a man in a working-class milieu, you're probably existing in one - the expectation is to respond to slights because otherwise you'll become victimised. The threat of violence is always there, and as such the 'response' is prophylactic against future victimisation.

I don't think that people who haven't experienced this secondary socialisation of the constant 'threat of violence' - like women - are capable of empathising with why a robust response is all that necessary.

Of course, in these cultures, the risk is that if you allow yourself to be victimised, then you'll also expose the people under your protection to the same victimisation, be it mother, siblings, friends or whatever. The proximity of violence always tends to produce honour cultures, I think, as we see most notably in 'the hood' today.

I think it's also notable how the passive responses are being justified - that there is some ego-preserving justification like 'I don't want to give them the benefit' or 'I don't care'.
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To add to this, I think there are also some cultures (generally where serious aggression isn't possible, like on the internet or in fairly affluent areas) that consider aggression to be a "face-losing" response, showing that you lack the confidence required to just brush insults aside, or that you're not someone the other kids want to play with, so to speak. That's why people use the phrases "mad" and "triggered" as owns in those areas. In my personal life as well, there have been times when my getting mad at someone and confronting them actually got me in more trouble than not doing so would have, and lost me respect.

You're incentivized to be a smug asshole, more or less.

I think the best response often is not so much not to respond but to respond with as little emotion as possible. Then people's egos don't get pricked, and you can deal with the thing.
 
Pin said:
Who is this? He made an account, trolled the forum, and got banned all while I was taking a nap.
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My thoughts exactly.
We hardly knew ye.

Ren said:
Votes are interesting though. Over 80 percent say they stomp it out immediately.

Doesn't align with my experience at all. Not many people are quick to confront.
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This forum represents a different sample pool. Or maybe, people feel they're more proactive about it than they are. Perhaps people don't spot it as efficiently as you do.
It's probably many reasons. I wish there were studies now, maybe there is somewhere.
 
Pin said:
Who is this? He made an account, trolled the forum, and got banned all while I was taking a nap.
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Mr Coffee, Dr Pepper, A Guy, The Dude

I wonder if his final form is just Drink :thonking:
 
Winterflowers said:
Or maybe, people feel they're more proactive about it than they are.
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People would like to believe that they would simply stomp it out, because that type of response would be cathartic.
But in most circumstances it makes more logistical sense to do something more nuanced and human.
 
Winterflowers said:
This forum represents a different sample pool. Or maybe, people feel they're more proactive about it than they are. Perhaps people don't spot it as efficiently as you do.
It's probably many reasons. I wish there were studies now, maybe there is somewhere.
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My view is similar to Wyote's:

Wyote said:
People would like to believe that they would simply stomp it out, because that type of response would be cathartic.
But in most circumstances it makes more logistical sense to do something more nuanced and human.
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It's sometimes not easy to stomp it out even if you want to. You may think for a long time that it is all in your mind, i.e. give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
 
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