how does attraction work for you?

Jill Hives

Jill Hives

fhtagn
Retired Staff
MBTI
INFP
Enneagram
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I have heard some people say that when they become attracted to a person, it is a fairly sudden thing. They can tell if there is chemistry (at least on their end) right away, or if there is potential there.

Others have said that they can develop attraction over time after getting to know a person better, or after they have been friends for a long time, even if they didn't have any idea they might feel that way to begin with.

I know this is certainly going to depend on the person, but I am curious on individual responses.

For me, I have always been in the first category. When I was single, pretty much within minutes of meeting someone I would already know if I'd ever want to sleep with them or not. The attraction would grow or diminish after that point based on different factors which would vary from person to person.

Now that I am in a committed relationship I don't experience attraction to anyone other than my husband at all, it is like some sort of switch got turned. I don't even think to look at attractive people anymore really. If someone points out to me "whoa that guy is really attractive" I might nod along and think "yeah he's nice looking", while having absolutely no interest in him sexually whatsoever.

So how does it work for you?
 
It usually doesn't. :(
And I'm not asexual.
I was having dinner a couple of nights ago, and some friends were talking about how they check people out when walking down the street. I remember thinking "people (still) do that?" I don't know. I have only ever truly felt attracted to one person in my life, the kind of attraction that makes you want to kiss them on the spot etc. (and I'm in my later 20s).

I suppose this describes it, other than the fact that I'm single.
Now that I am in a committed relationship I don't experience attraction to anyone other than my husband at all, it is like some sort of switch got turned. I don't even think to look at attractive people anymore really. If someone points out to me "whoa that guy is really attractive" I might nod along and think "yeah he's nice looking", while having absolutely no interest in him sexually whatsoever.
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I need to figure this out, as I've no desire to remain single.

I'm not sure if this answers what you're wondering about, but I hope it helps. Interesting topic this is. :)
 
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Anything goes for me. I can meet someone and think them unattractive and then become attracted to them and vice versa. Pretty much any scenario can occur.
 
Attraction is usually instant--generally a visual cue "he's handsome".

Affection is usually something that takes time and effort to cultivate.

I tend to form relationships based on affection rather than attraction.
 
attraction covers so many things for me. i'm either attracted or repelled by every single person i meet. there are degrees of course, but basically there is no waiting for a second impression thing if someone turns me off in the first five minutes
the sort of things that i am attracted to in the physical category are:
teeth/smile.
nose/profile. must have an interesting profile for sure.
character in features. not a california face, as i like to call them

mostly i'm attracted to someone based on their body language. it's also a big deal what they talk about, what their interests and passions are.
if you watch reality tv, soap operas etc, or you're into gaming i'm already talking to someone else. if all you can talk about is your car, ditto. pet, same. kids. forget it altogether. i'm not even in the room.
 
My hubby and I met, were engaged, and married, all in the same year. We just knew. When I was single, I just gave whoever it was a chance. Some men I knew and liked instantaneously while others were given more time because I saw something in them that I liked and wanted to see if it was going to go anywhere.

As far as after marriage, I have a healthy admiration for people who get out there and really work their physical being. I spend a lot of time surrounded by athletes and I am awed by a lot of them especially with everything they are capable of. That being said, healthy admiration is not sexual admiration. I can admire a soul without it having to be anything more.
 
Soulful said:
It usually doesn't. :(
And I'm not asexual.
I was having dinner a couple of nights ago, and some friends were talking about how they check people out when walking down the street. I remember thinking "people (still) do that?" I don't know. I have only ever truly felt attracted to one person in my life, the kind of attraction that makes you want to kiss them on the spot etc. (and I'm in my later 20s).
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I often feel the same way. "Checking people out" doesn't make sense to me, since I mainly get attracted by intelligence. There's also attraction in a "they look traditionally good", but that's not romantic attraction. I don't get much of an attraction until I start talking to someone and getting their personality. I've felt extremely attracted to one person with reciprocation, so that might not have been genuine. Definitely the attraction you mean at the end there, but did you get reciprocation?
 
Attraction for me, is rare, and instant, and it bloody well doesn't go away, no matter how hard I try to make it. The first words that come to my mind when it happens are, "Oh shit." I flee, then end up being haunted for years by that person. They're just always there. They usually scare the heck out of me.
 
Physical attraction is as sudden as looking at a girl and thinking to oneself, "Damn." Emotional attraction or attachment, which is what you seem to be getting at, is generally for me a suddenly realization that what I've been feeling for quite some time is more than fondness.
 
ImpureHedonism said:
I often feel the same way. "Checking people out" doesn't make sense to me, since I mainly get attracted by intelligence. There's also attraction in a "they look traditionally good", but that's not romantic attraction. I don't get much of an attraction until I start talking to someone and getting their personality. I've felt extremely attracted to one person with reciprocation, so that might not have been genuine. Definitely the attraction you mean at the end there, but did you get reciprocation?
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If you mean mutual interest, we're just friends. But I am still sometimes overcome with the desire to kiss his beautiful face. *sigh*

I think it is a matter of that, at least partly if not fully. I was looking at a picture of two Olympians and thinking "Damn, nice body" about one of them. Then I realized it was just the one, even though both of them have incredibly sexy looking bodies, but the "hot" one has what I consider an appealing personality, and the other whom I didn't really give a glance seems like someone I wouldn't care for personality-wise.
 
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It is always the quiet ones, being quiet makes me listen for them to say something and pay attention when they do. But that is only half of it. The other half is when what they do say strikes a chord in me.... either funny, sad, scathing, insightful or just plain beautiful. It I hear enough chords, then I get hooked. It helps if they smile at me once in a while.
 
For me it varies… speed of attraction often depends on the individual and the setting that I’m in.

I’m not often immediately “attracted”… or I don’t experience that feeling very often. I need to know a bit about the person before that begins to build, it may take five minutes or it may take a month – depends on the setting and how often I get a chance to speak with them and/or observe their mannerisms/personality.

I guess they have to look “okay”… like they shower and take care of themselves and such, heh– then I just observe all sorts of things; their personality, their taste in entertainment, clothing, or jewelry… etc. If they seem unique and “real” to me, I feel a “pull” towards them… I guess I’d call that pull “attraction”. There are certain physical things that stand out/ attract me, but I think I’d categorize those as “turn ons”.

Yeah, I hope that doesn’t sound too stalkerish - I’m just very cautious/observant.
 
Soulful said:
If you mean mutual interest, we're just friends. But I still get the desire to kiss his beautiful face sometimes. *sigh*
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Ah, I meant to say WITHOUT reciprocation of the romantic attraction. I'm friends with the person in question, but that's it. Something like unrequited love, isn't it? I get what people are saying about that "instantaneous" feeling, but I don't buy that romantic attraction can come about in any shorter span than a month. I get the "instant" feeling from people I have met, but whether there's something romantic takes a while to figure out. I can think of only two people I was attracted to more than a month after meeting them.
 
ImpureHedonism said:
Ah, I meant to say WITHOUT reciprocation of the romantic attraction. I'm friends with the person in question, but that's it. Something like unrequited love, isn't it? I get what people are saying about that "instantaneous" feeling, but I don't buy that romantic attraction can come about in any shorter span than a month. I get the "instant" feeling from people I have met, but whether there's something romantic takes a while to figure out. I can think of only two people I was attracted to more than a month after meeting them.
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I'm still not sure if I understand, but I'll answer what I think you're asking and you can let me know if I'm off-base. :)
I wasn't initially attracted to him. I thought very little of his appearance when I first met him, but by and by his personality won me over. The physical attraction I feel now is still emotionally based. He's someone I feel entirely comfortable with, who has a great energy, and who I know I can trust if we were compatible. I don't know that I'm tremendously sexually attracted to him, but somehow the emotional attraction results in tsuse desire for some physical involvement anyway. And I suspect if we were to be together (hypothetically speaking), that the emotional attraction could actually be enough to sustain physical and sexual intimacy. Or that the latter would emerge from the former.

Going back to Jill's question, I still think I'm more of a group 1 camper, where some people fall into various groups of enthusiasm, indifference, or outright dislike (as far as my desire to be physically/sexually intimate with them goes) upon first meeting. I suppose it is the people I feel indifferent towards who may, if given the chance, emerge as group 2 persons. Or perhaps I don't give people enough of a chance; that's also a possibility. I don't let myself feel enough and tend to use my mind to decide these things; I guess I try to keep myself safe.
 
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Soulful said:
I'm still not sure if I understand, but I'll answer what I think you're asking and you can let me know if I'm off-base. :)
I wasn't initially attracted to him. I thought very little of his appearance when I first met him, but by and by his personality won me over. The physical attraction I feel now is still emotionally based.
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What I mean is you sound for wishful of how things could be with this person, if only they'd love you just as strongly back. Although, I wasn't sure if you had a relationship in this case and things just didn't work out. Perhaps in other words, attraction for me works like near-obsession. It's a deep sense of emotional caring. For me, that type of attraction is tough to manage, especially when it's not reciprocated. A physical interest goes with it, but it's a weird because I don't see that as guiding my interest in the least. One person I didn't know how they looked or even sounded before I met them, so I am confident in saying emotional bonds are of primary concern.
 
Physical attraction is instant, but it changes. Like I will see a girl who looks hot one day then a week later i look at her again and the attraction is gone. Or the girl will look really good but then I will talk to her and she is a complete idiot and I will not find her that attractive again. A lot of times I will be attracted to people before I even meet them, like if I find out they have a combination of altruistic or philosophical interests and they have nice eyes or a nice smile I will probably be attracted to them prior to meeting them. A lot of times a girl wont catch my eye but then I will talk with her and find out how much I love talking with her, and then I am hooked.

The ability to talk for hours on end with a girl is the biggest turn on for me. She also has to look decent with a healthy body though. I am not a saint.
 
I can be attracted to almost anyone, but at the same time it's not really a sexual attraction. Hard to describe. There has only ever been one person I've felt that kind of I'm-already-absolutely-undoubtedly-in-love-with-you attraction for. And now I am stupid enough to compare every other feeling against it.

......

Arrogance, self-importance, excessive vanity, loud-mouthed = zero attraction, no matter what you look like.
 
Instant chemistry.
 
In lots of ways and degrees. I love that instant attraction- so electric, magnetic, its so compelling, whether it be platonic, brotherly, sexual or of an otherwise enigmatic nature. I think that this is chemistry, or attraction, fascination between energies. Its like creative energy at its most base or primal, or alternatively, at its highest and most evolved- like spiritual energy. Sometimes we just feel drawn to people. Also, i have developed or lost attraction to people over time.

Anyone could be attractive for whatever reason. And there are varying degrees. Its hard to explain. Most of my friendships and otherwise meaningful encounters have been based first on some kind of attraction. Its basically that drive that makes us want to say hello, establish some kind of connection, rather than just continue on our way. All my sexual relationships have been based on that insant instinctual attraction.

I hadnt been sexually attracted to anybody in a long time- what with the whole busy single mother thing happening- but the other day I when I got onto the bus I saw this man sitting across from me and it was incredible. First time in 4 years since i felt that way. I had really missed that sensation, almost forgetten it. There was literally some kind of pull. I loved the way the sun glinted off his skin and hair. There was just something about him. His shoulders, golden skin, chestnut hair, velvety dark eyes. It was like everything around me changed and i was standing in a completely different scene. For some reason I imagined us in some place like Mexico, hot sun, beer, sweat, smell of tobacco and cloves, a dusty porch, guitars, white linen. It was instantanous. There was no one else there. I could feel the dust on my face. I have no idea how long i stood there and stared. I just wanted to know who he was. Normally, pre-child, i would have simply approached him to say hello, but in this instance i no longer felt comfortable doing that. In which direction could this possibly go anyway? It just seemed too complicated. Suddenly imagined taking him home and introducing him to my family there- my daughter, my best friend-her dad, his girlfriend, my sister, her partner. It was too funny and too soon. So i simply rationalised myself out of it and just sat away from him to indulge a quick day dream before i filed the experience away for a later time. But it was awesome.

Just for the sake of general interest- i remember reading a paper many years ago that asserted we are attracted to people based on chemicals in their body odour. Basically we are sexually attracted to people whose immune system is as different as possible to ours, which is obviously an evolutionary advantage for our young. This is why smell is such an important sense in attraction. And weirdly enough, when women were on the contraceptive pill or pregnant, they were actually sexually attracted to people that had more similar immune systems to themselves. so it was like the reverse effect. Hmmn. Anyway, i couldnt find the paper and it was quite a while ago when i read it- but interesting to think about
 
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