Ok so let me put this out there. I notice myself turning away from people that show me any type of affection. I have tried to think of why. The only thing I can come up with is, I dont like it. It kind of makes me feel sick. Its like theres something wrong with them and they cant see it?
Because you are deeply wounded inside....even though right now you may not be consciously aware of it.
You have a very strong defense mechanism built up around this wound in your heart in order to not have to feel it.
When we allow others to gift us with love and affection it means we open our hearts and let them and/or the gift inside.
I suspect when you did that in the past you'd also touch on the pain of the wound as well. This was probably very overwhelming to you. So you default to not letting anything/anyone either in - or out - of your heart.
For you to love yourself means unconditional acceptance of ALL of the aspects of you. This includes the idea of bringing politicians to trial and making them pay for what they have allowed to manifest on this earth. Nailed to crosses and left to slowly die comes to my mind. :nod: This means seeing parts of you that were scared to death as a child and left you quivering and paralyzed in fear. This means seeing your jealousy rise to the surface of your mind about your very best friend when they succeed in their business and you are left standing with only the barest plans of your own in your hands. (At first I was appalled when I noticed this about myself and my best friend). As I began to accept it as part of who I was - damn if I didn't see my jealousy showing up everywhere for a while there. I practiced accepting my jealousy with compassion. Which led me to even deeper places inside myself that was covered up and hidden from my conscious awareness.
As someone else pointed out - these "unwanted aspects" are the wounds we received as a young child during our conditioning. Every time someone told you that you were wrong when all you were doing was
being you - causes a wound in our hearts.
To start practicing loving your self means to see your wounded child and simply give them understanding with a compassionate heart. It will slowly build from there. I see you recognizing the shyte in you and intellectualizing it...but you have to
feel the emotions surrounding it and allow them expression before acceptance can occur. This is no small task for it requires the courage to dance with one's pain.
Vandyke talked about therapy. What that does for us is helps us identify the wounds obtained and then how it shows the child acting out to bring your attention - your awareness - to them. My wounded child used to be shoved down in the dark and never saw the light of day. She was dying....and actually....so was I. It scared me when I first looked upon her because she looked like a monster. I suppose I would too if I was forced to live without the sunshine (the Light of Love). Actually - the first time I looked into the darkness of my self I saw 2 glowing red eyes and I freaked. She and I have been on a journey for several years now and she steadily gets to see the Light. As a result of our re-union I am not dying and I have more Joy in my life.
I once read that depression is anger turned inward. I totally agree with that assessment. It turned out I was angry at my wounded child for being fearful, jealous, lazy, stupid, and of course - for not knowing everything there is to know is this world. I was being ridiculous - wasn't I? How on earth can a child know everything? How can I hold the wounded child in me responsible for anything when it was my parents who taught her to think/be that way? Do you see where I'm going with this? A child can only do the best they can under the circumstances - right? Once I felt compassion for her - and what she had to endure just to keep me alive - man oh man did I finally start breaking down my walls and discover the real me. I'm still scraping away the remaining muck and am excited to see my brilliance shining.