How does one find a way to "love" oneself.

[JGirl]

I don’t like or dislike myself. I simply, “am.” I guess you could say I get tired of my own thoughts easily but at the same time, other peoples thoughts often confuse me.
I have always heard that to find love \ fall in love, you have to love yourself first. Im not really happy with being alone but I am not so unhappy that I will be with someone just to be with someone as I believe many other people in this life end up doing. I am guilty of this myself, substituting physical closeness for mental closeness.
This is going to sound strange perhaps but it is an honest question. If the idea is true, “you have to love yourself to find love.” How do you find a way to love yourself if you have idea where to start?

loving yourself could be as simple as treating yourself with respect, accepting your limitations and focusing on your strengths. love is a verb.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Because you are deeply wounded inside....even though right now you may not be consciously aware of it.

You have a very strong defense mechanism built up around this wound in your heart in order to not have to feel it.

When we allow others to gift us with love and affection it means we open our hearts and let them and/or the gift inside.

I suspect when you did that in the past you'd also touch on the pain of the wound as well. This was probably very overwhelming to you. So you default to not letting anything/anyone either in - or out - of your heart.

For you to love yourself means unconditional acceptance of ALL of the aspects of you. This includes the idea of bringing politicians to trial and making them pay for what they have allowed to manifest on this earth. Nailed to crosses and left to slowly die comes to my mind. :nod: This means seeing parts of you that were scared to death as a child and left you quivering and paralyzed in fear. This means seeing your jealousy rise to the surface of your mind about your very best friend when they succeed in their business and you are left standing with only the barest plans of your own in your hands. (At first I was appalled when I noticed this about myself and my best friend). As I began to accept it as part of who I was - damn if I didn't see my jealousy showing up everywhere for a while there. I practiced accepting my jealousy with compassion. Which led me to even deeper places inside myself that was covered up and hidden from my conscious awareness.

As someone else pointed out - these "unwanted aspects" are the wounds we received as a young child during our conditioning. Every time someone told you that you were wrong when all you were doing was being you - causes a wound in our hearts.

To start practicing loving your self means to see your wounded child and simply give them understanding with a compassionate heart. It will slowly build from there. I see you recognizing the shyte in you and intellectualizing it...but you have to feel the emotions surrounding it and allow them expression before acceptance can occur. This is no small task for it requires the courage to dance with one's pain.

Vandyke talked about therapy. What that does for us is helps us identify the wounds obtained and then how it shows the child acting out to bring your attention - your awareness - to them. My wounded child used to be shoved down in the dark and never saw the light of day. She was dying....and actually....so was I. It scared me when I first looked upon her because she looked like a monster. I suppose I would too if I was forced to live without the sunshine (the Light of Love). Actually - the first time I looked into the darkness of my self I saw 2 glowing red eyes and I freaked. She and I have been on a journey for several years now and she steadily gets to see the Light. As a result of our re-union I am not dying and I have more Joy in my life.

I once read that depression is anger turned inward. I totally agree with that assessment. It turned out I was angry at my wounded child for being fearful, jealous, lazy, stupid, and of course - for not knowing everything there is to know is this world. I was being ridiculous - wasn't I? How on earth can a child know everything? How can I hold the wounded child in me responsible for anything when it was my parents who taught her to think/be that way? Do you see where I'm going with this? A child can only do the best they can under the circumstances - right? Once I felt compassion for her - and what she had to endure just to keep me alive - man oh man did I finally start breaking down my walls and discover the real me. I'm still scraping away the remaining muck and am excited to see my brilliance shining.

Thank you for that. Its something to think about, it sounds as if it has truth though how much applies to me...
Its interesting. I sometimes envision a picture of me when I was 4 years old holding one of my parents hands at the Washington monument. I feel so sorry for that kid and that I fed up his life. I wan, I want him to be alright absent me. Grow up, be happy, I just cant be a part of it, you have to remove me.

There are things I like about myself but they dont and never will ofset the things I dont

 

[sprinkles]

[MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION]

Do you know what reification is?

To reify something is to take an abstract concept and perceive it as concrete. This can be problematic and lead to confusing and unpredictable results.

What 'you' are and how you perceive yourself to operate are abstract concepts. The self is abstract.

Take for example the idea of being a good swimmer - this can be a real and observable quality when it is in action, but what about when the person is not swimming and not in the water? What if they're trekking through a desert with no water? Luckily for them the concept of a swimmer is not a literal nor physical one, it's an idea, otherwise nobody would be able to make the claim unless they were actively swimming.

Your self is kind of the same way. It's real but not always concrete or literal.

What's good about that, though? Well the thing that is good about it is that it's not set in stone, it is changeable. If you say "I AM this" and believe that to be real and literal, then you're kind of setting yourself in stone, and making that aspect of you become and remain real.

It would be kind of hard to change if you believe you can't, right?

 

[Eventhorizon]

[MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION]

Do you know what reification is?

To reify something is to take an abstract concept and perceive it as concrete. This can be problematic and lead to confusing and unpredictable results.

What 'you' are and how you perceive yourself to operate are abstract concepts. The self is abstract.

Take for example the idea of being a good swimmer - this can be a real and observable quality when it is in action, but what about when the person is not swimming and not in the water? What if they're trekking through a desert with no water? Luckily for them the concept of a swimmer is not a literal nor physical one, it's an idea, otherwise nobody would be able to make the claim unless they were actively swimming.

Your self is kind of the same way. It's real but not always concrete or literal.

What's good about that, though? Well the thing that is good about it is that it's not set in stone, it is changeable. If you say "I AM this" and believe that to be real and literal, then you're kind of setting yourself in stone, and making that aspect of you become and remain real.

It would be kind of hard to change if you believe you can't, right?

All good points. Dont get me wrong, I whole heartily believe I can change. In fact, I know I can. But I also know my foundation.

 

[Always thinking]

Sometimes it is our foundations that have been flawed with wrong information and assumptions about ourselves. This is where the what I call "lies" first present themselves to be truth. I use to believe certain things and would tell myself them in my head, and my self talk would seem to recycle the same garbage. I sought out a life coach and he began to teach my about my self talk. The things I told myself and the beliefs that were tied to them, along with the behaviors they produced. It helped me to keep a journal of what I was saying during certain times. Wow, that was eye opening to see what I was repeating to myself. Garbage. Watch your self talk, it's either truthful and will lift you up and help you to accept and love even your bad parts. (And we ALL have them), or it is full of lies that make you feel condemned and bad and judge yourself without mercy. See your good parts, don't believe the garbage, it is heavy and untrue.

 

[j654dgj7]

I've been wondering about this question for the last few years too, myself, and I think I've found a half-way answer: Find something you're really great at and pursue it. If you feel like you can do something really well, your self-esteem goes through the roof. Sorry, that's the best I can do. Don't be too hard on yourself. If you find yourself hating yourself violently or in a depressed way, please seek help. It doesn't have to be that way. Thank you.