How many relationships have you been in?

How many?

  • 0

    Votes: 12 14.0%

  • 1-2

    Votes: 30 34.9%

  • 3-4

    Votes: 26 30.2%

  • 5+

    Votes: 18 20.9%
  • Total voters
    86
Anomaly said:
Serial monogamist, if/when I commit. 3 long-term relationships of consequence.

  • C. - first boyfriend, 3 years (part of it during high school). Ended because he cheated on me with a mutual friend, and hid it for a year, though I always knew something was going on.
Interim- Random dates, equating to nothing but strange experiences; like the time I got asked on a date that was supposed to be brunch, but ended up being a Pentecostal revival instead. I thought the woman convulsing in the floor was having a seizure, and called 911 (it was fun trying to find an exit afterwards lol).

My dating life has been a tragic comedy. There were many years of keeping away from any and all relationships or dating, and instead focusing on my work or learning; especially, given the amount of men I came across who were wholly uninteresting or creepers (stalking me or showing up at my work, or spying on me to approach my friends to ask about me). Then, enduring a trauma that left me reeling, and needing time to heal.
  • I stayed single for about 4 years.
  • T.- 2 years. Ended after a lot of abuse and manipulation, and me coming to the end of my rope when I caught him cheating with his boss. Again, my intuition told me something was wrong, but I felt trapped in the situation until I had proof.

  • 2 years single, pursuing work and non-for profit, college, etc.
  • D. - Nearly 10 years of a modicum of bliss, and a torrent of pure hell. Ended because I finally found my voice, and woke up from the slumber I had succumbed to due to the years of psychological torment. I still blame myself for a lot of it, though. I wish he would seek help, as I care for him deeply despite everything. Gladly, I received the most precious gift from the fires of that relationship; a rare and precious jewel that I hold most dear.
21 years dating off and on, and most of it has sucked.

Be discerning, friends. There is a huge difference between someone who simply has a lot of baggage that they need to unpack, and someone who will psychologically mess you up due to their own demons that they aren't willing to work through in a healthy way. One way to tell? If they can acknowledge the baggage or what they went through and are seeking ways to heal. If they are not willing to look at it, or admit it, then this a huge red flag; especially so if they highlight your own inadequacies so that the focus is shifted back onto you.

Connection is only worth it if you are allowed to be your true self. If you have to be anything else for them or have to tip-toe or remain quiet, then you're doing it wrong (the relationship only serves them that way). If your gut says there is something seriously wrong, don't ignore it; lay it all out. Please, learn from my mistakes, so that you don't have to live them too.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry.
 
I can't say I've ever really dated anyone. Lots of infatuation, crushes, even rejections here and there.

I had sex with a woman seven years ago just to get it over with and it didn't make me happy. Since then, I've been searching for someone who does make me happy. I didn't believe in love for a long time and I've always been opposed to using women just for pleasure.
 
Of any meaningful duration, 3. OMG, I forgot my second wife and typed 2!

The first was my first wife. Married 20 years. We had some good times, but we were pretty highly incompatible. I only married her because of my terror of women and I was losing my mind. She was tough. A persistent low level energy draw.

Wife #2. I projected my ass off. Anyone with a right mind would have run for the hills after being with her sufficient to see her for who she is. She is a mind-boggingly broken and emotionally abusive woman. The stories I have! (She really doesn't exist in my mind.)

Third was Nadija. I was living in the Dallas area and I had a call to leave the cities for 15 years anyway. She was really nice. I broke up with her, but I had this impending move and I was also having ptsd episodes while with her that at the time I did not understand. (Due to lofty emotional trauma with women throughout my life starting with good ol' mom.) I misinterpreted them and had a whopper of one causing me to split for good. But, I also mentioned to the realtor that I was maybe going to not live in the house I put money down on and got approval for. Then she told me that is a non-occupancy mortgage and I realized I could not afford its greater financing requirement.

Thank God for Nadija. Under better circumstances, she may have been "the one."
 
My first relationship was when I was 15, and a sophomore in high school. She was 17, and a senior. She chose me and it was all her doing in terms of it happening. I was semi-clueless, and it lasted a few months. I learned a few things, for example, a 1965 Chevy Impala convertible is wide enough that I can fully lay down on the bench seat in the back. For reference, I am 6'1" / 185cm. It was white with a red velvet interior. Given it was 1984 at the time, I thought it kind of special.

I am 52 years of age as I answer this. My sex is male, as is my gender.

I’ve been in five relationships, including the one I am in now, that were/are multiple years in length. 6y / 2y / 2y / 7y / 5yr+ (current one).

Of the four in the past, I look back fondly on the first one.

Every other relationship I’ve been in lasted for months.

Had a one night stand once. Not really the way I am wired, but the opportunity presented itself even though I wasn‘t looking for one. In the morning she said that I really needed to meet a friend of hers, because she thought we would be good together. She was right, and that relationship lasted many months.

Relationships were easy in high school because of the structure and the exposure to lots of different people. In my early to mid 20s I didn’t have that, and combined with my ADHD (undiagnosed at the time), my depression, and my drug habit, relationships were very few, and in retrospect, poor decisions on my part.

By the time I was 28, I figured some things out, and from age 28 to 31, I had a number of girlfriends, each of the relationships lasting months at a time.

But that was during a period where my drug habit turned into an addiction, and when I got clean and sober at age 31, I didn’t have any kind of relationship for the next five years. I was figuring out how to live not in a state of intoxication, doing a lot of self-work, and growing as a person after stunting my development for years and years.

Had one relationship when I was 36, and then at 37 that one night stand. I‘ve had four relationships since then, including the one I am in now. 8m / 7y / 6m / 5yr+ (current one).

Excepting my first relationship, I’ve always been the one to pursue.

Relationships are relatively easy to find, but good relationships worth being in are not. Barring something unforeseen and tragic, I never want to be in another relationship. At 47 I found the love of my life, and I have forsaken all others. I am hers and she is mine, and I’m now ruined for anyone else. She’s my best friend, and the best friend I’ve ever had.

I think friends first is the best way to start any relationship, but I’m demisexual and demiheteromantic, so of course I would think and say that. But even if I was not, I would still say that after living through my experiences.

-------

If I add up the ages I was when I entered relationships and divide to find the average, the number is 29 years of age. If I do that for the women, the number is 28 years of age.

50% of the time my girlfriend was my age ± 2 years. 30% of the time I was older. 20% of the time I was younger.

Biggest age disparities were when I was 7, 10, and 11 years younger, and when I was 10, 12, and 15 years older.

Shortest of them was 4'9" / 145cm, and the tallest of them was 6'0" / 183cm.

If I go by the average of my girlfriends, my “type” is my age, 5'4.5" / 164cm in height, and weighs about 126lb / 57kg. I can’t tell you how long her hair is, but it is almost certainly black or brown. She has a degree or is a post-grad. She is single and has no children. She is almost certainly a godless heathen or apostate against how she was raised. She is slightly introverted, easy going, sex-positive, and a nerd. She plays a musical instrument. Her name will either be a 1970s Gen-X popular girls’ name, or a name foreign to North American culture. She’s a dog person. She wears sensible shoes, but I can’t tell you what she’s wearing other than it being classic as opposed to trendy.

Her MBTI is INFJ. My last three relationships, including the one I am in now, have been/are with a woman who types as INFJ. I didn’t try to make that happen, it just happened.

I hope this has been worth reading.

Cheers,
Ian
 
2.
 
Pin said:
I've not met anyone who fits my ideal.
Click to expand...

I never did, and I’m so glad because she’s so much more than I could have ever imagined, or ever did imagine in the past.

Cheers,
Ian
 
Pin said:
I'm harsh.

I find flaws with people I'm attracted to and eventually I lose interest. That's why I haven't committed to anyone because I'm too critical of others and I've not met anyone who fits my ideal.
Click to expand...
Lately, I've been seeing the dating world less like a Michelin restaurant and more like a Golden Corral. Quantity over quality. The tater tots aren't bad actually.
 
Linda Loo said:
View attachment 85303
Click to expand...
I re-read what I wrote and maybe that wasn't the best analogy. :laughing:

I mean, people are more interesting than I thought they were when I was younger. I had high standards for myself and others too. Perfectionism is probably common here. I think I missed out on a few relationships in particular. And I regret that. I rejected people often. Jung might say I was projecting my own biggest fear yada yada. Lately, I've been deliberately curious and mindful that people's lives are just as complex as mine. Most people have interesting stories to tell and helpful lessons to teach.

I guess I'm saying be more openminded. Less like a... ah, forget it. :p
 
Ulla Lulla said:
I re-read what I wrote and maybe that wasn't the best analogy. :laughing:

I mean, people are more interesting than I thought they were when I was younger. I had high standards for myself and others too. Perfectionism is probably common here. I think I missed out on a few relationships in particular. And I regret that. I rejected people often. Jung might say I was projecting my own biggest fear yada yada. Lately, I've been deliberately curious and mindful that people's lives are just as complex as mine. Most people have interesting stories to tell and helpful lessons to teach.

I guess I'm saying be more openminded. Less like a... ah, forget it. :p
Click to expand...
200w.gif
 
Ulla Lulla said:
I re-read what I wrote and maybe that wasn't the best analogy. :laughing:

I mean, people are more interesting than I thought they were when I was younger. I had high standards for myself and others too. Perfectionism is probably common here. I think I missed out on a few relationships in particular. And I regret that. I rejected people often. Jung might say I was projecting my own biggest fear yada yada. Lately, I've been deliberately curious and mindful that people's lives are just as complex as mine. Most people have interesting stories to tell and helpful lessons to teach.

I guess I'm saying be more openminded. Less like a... ah, forget it. :p
Click to expand...
I appreciate your clarification. I can get behind this sentiment. Well phrased.
 
A lot if 'relationship' includes dating for a few months but not necessarily multi-year LTR's. It's really more about the significance of the experience than how long we were together. I loved most of these women, though I was only ever 'in love' once. Recognition of the difference and their relative importance is a sign of wisdom, imo.


Relationships are the primary reason I've matured as a human being and gotten healthy. They're also the primary reason I have a heavy conscience sometimes. I've been a kind, forthright boyfriend and an absolute bastard as well. Processing all that, sometimes years later, is largely done by considering my behavior not just through the eyes of my partners, but through their hearts. How I made them feel, how I changed their lives for good or bad. And how they did that for me. But it's the relationship itself that provides the empathetic vantage point.
 
Some additional thoughts....
Avoiding the swirling vortex of entropy is something I've found unavoidable from a relationship point of view....I've noticed several comments from others here about having high standards, perfectionism type of mindset etc
This got me to thinking is it that is it these types of ideals are simply unachievable, unreasonable or is it simply just when you have our personality type that we are more genuine, honest, real?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top