INFJ Dating Bible or: How to Date an INFJ

[Melkor]

I would have thought that most INFJ's by their nature would be horrified to know that their partner needed an online guide to understand and please them...

But maybe that's just my sillyness.

 

[just me]

such defiant fragility we have
emboldened by that we see
others look beyond us
not the forest or the tree

 

[Matt3737]

Now the part about us sidestepping heated arguments & avoiding conflict... complete bullshit.

Lies and slander!! I'll argue with you until you accept that we're all sunshine and rainbows!

 

[Korg]

I find writing notes to your crush to be exceptionally effective:

 

[Trifoilum]

Haha, true. A fair amount of the discussions here are evidence of this.

It's almost a given; community of INFJ? psh.

Okay that list above is a list of nicey nicey goodness. :|
For a less than innocent pleasure;

LISTEN.
No I mean, INFJs love to be listened. No matter how outrageous / emotional / whiny / undeciphered / inconvenient the words are.

The quickest nuance to caught INFJs and stroke our petty egos are probably "oh, I see that too; you're very clever and deep and complex and thoughtful (like I am)!"

Although for more egomaniacal ones *looks at mirror* it would be "You were right. I was wrong."

 

[SweetDreams]

INFJ Dating Bible or How to Date an INFJ
– MAY 24, 2011

INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.

http://modalitiesofexistence.com/2011/05/24/infj-dating-bible-or-how-to-date-an-infj/

I'm not sure if i'm an infj, but I can definitely identify with most of those things on that list. I especially love this quote because it really hit home. I finally met someone I really liked, but I couldn't commit to them because the whole "lets be in a relationship'' thing was so rushed and I wasn't sure about how genuine his intentions were. That's when I knew for sure that I could never do a relationship that I couldn't see ending up in marriage *forever alone*

 

[Rferraris]

I answered this once before, but I thought to add some helpful pointers on the matter. Those darn INFJs can be stubborn and it's just pot luck with them.

So here goes. Start with rope and a lot of glue. A horse would be best, but any barn yard farm animal will do, saving cats and dogs for last. Loud opera music and lots of fragrance and popery are nice but useless. Ambiance is good for about ten seconds since you can't seem to hold the fucking INFJ in place long enough to use the rope and glue.

I tried nailing one into the ground once, but they just seemed to like that so go figure.

 

[Untitled]

How to date an INFJ...Wear a pair of these...

and give classy gifts

you also need a bitchin' car (se inferior)

you must be strong yet sensitive

and intelligent

 

[Untitled]

Personally I always looked for a combination like this:
++
:becky:

 

[the]

I would have thought that most INFJ's by their nature would be horrified to know that their partner needed an online guide to understand and please them...

But maybe that's just my sillyness.

That is very insightful I think. But you have to throw logic out the window when figuring them out.

 

[the]

I'm not sure if i'm an infj, but I can definitely identify with most of those things on that list. I especially love this quote because it really hit home. I finally met someone I really liked, but I couldn't commit to them because the whole "lets be in a relationship'' thing was so rushed and I wasn't sure about how genuine his intentions were. That's when I knew for sure that I could never do a relationship that I couldn't see ending up in marriage *forever alone*

Why werent you sure? What woul dhave made you sure?

 

[hush]

Wear this

Just in case you anger them.

 

[SweetDreams]

Why werent you sure? What woul dhave made you sure?

[MENTION=731]uberrogo[/MENTION]
I didn't know if he saw me as someone that he could potentially marry...not everyone thinks about their relationships that seriously. i think it was more of a casual, "oh hey I kind of like her, let's see where this goes". I had only known him for a few months before he wanted to make things "official". I would've been much more comfortable if he had let our friendship develop a little more, and the fact that he stopped speaking to me altogether makes me think that I was a little justified in my decision. I don't know, I guess it just reflects immaturity on both our parts.

 

[Thinkist]

For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best and can be extremely gullible.

ISTPs have that very same skill, stemming from Ni. ISTPs call it their "bullshit detector."

INFJs are adept at nonverbal communication (eye gaze, touching, body language, etc.). Just because they’re not speaking doesn’t mean they’re not saying something.

Oddly paralleling that of many sensing types.

INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.

The latter part would seem to be common among all IJ types. As an SP, I especially appreciate an INFJs somewhat flexible rules and standards (in contrast to SJs...). SPs crave flexibility.

INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply. It’s not uncommon for INFJs to cry if they feel something very deeply.

This is definitely a problem point for many ISTPs. After all, thinking is the dominant function, and raw Ti-Se can definitely look rude and crude to an FJ type. Luckily, I can't think of many ISTPs who really thrive on conflict (though at the same time ISTPs don't thrive on harmony like many feeling types).

INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’. Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.

Nevertheless, if you ever happen to Ti or Ni out loud, an ISTP will most likely understand 100%. Just rememeber to simply be your INFJ self around an ISTP, as they may be the only ST to really get you.

INFJs can often mimic other types.

Again, make sure to just be yourself around an ISTP. We don't bite, really, critical as we are.

INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.

...or show it! After all, ISTPs are primarily expressive through Se, and will pick up on that fastest.

INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.

Unlike other SPs, ISTPs can have the potential for those kind of relationships, impulsive as we are. Just leave a little room for the "casual" part of it.

An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.

Heh, try telling that to IxTx types, who have the hardest time out of all the types with relationships. If they want to stick by you, it means they may actually like you more than an INFJ likes them. They are offering you a gift greater than any feeling type could offer. The penalty for violating that gift could be a cold, hard detachment from you, as well as a cold as f*ck attitude when being approached, depending on the degree of violation.

INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.

Parallels that of many introverts.

They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.

Turns out many other introverts may have that as well (although particularly the INxx types). ISTPs can be very secretive, and are highly unlikely to spoil any secrets you may give out, no metter how precious.

INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.

Take note that ISTPs aren't all against conflict like INFJs. Some ISTPs might even get into conflict for the fun of it from time to time.

The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented. Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.

What about an ISTPs regular in-the-moment impulsivity? An ISTP's "S" and "P" combined means that they'll want to show you stuff.

INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.

If in a relationship with an INFJ, an ISTP becomes insensitive, be sure to give us an Fe kick in the ass, because that's usually a mistake, and the ISTP knows it.

INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject their love, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.

This from ISTP Sanctum: like other TP types, ISTPs have trouble accepting help. They love to do things by themselves, and we may be very insistent on it. To counter that, an INFJ may have to be very insiatent on their help and cooperation, bitter and humiliating as it may seem to the ISTP.

An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknessess means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you, however the latter is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.

Having the same functions, it'll be very hard for an INFJ to destroy an ISTP. We can take your Ti criticism, no matter how harsh. Also, an ISTPs "bullshit detector" can peer into an INFJs motives and weak points (although that may be a bit harder for the ISTP).

They’re curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.

This may definitely be the case with an ISTP. ISTPs aren't nearly as perfectionistic as INFJs, let alone with people. An ISTP may try to loosen and simplify your standards, and give you an Se kick on the ass.

They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.

Same with ISTPs, although these "dark periods" may be somewhat different.

They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.

An ISTP will have to see it to believe you and take your side. Otherwise, they'll try to get you to loosen your stubbornness a bit.

INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.

Neither are ISTPs, whom are fundamentally introverted as well, initiators... ugh

INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.

The first sentence could apply to all IJ types. Keep in mind that ISTPs may not always give you the appreciation you need, so be prepared to give us a little Fe booty every now and then for that.

Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.

Ahh, introversion. ISTPs also need time alone to think about things.

Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.
INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world."

ISTPs may seem a bit unstable, but this is not at all true when it comes to emotions, ISTPs are often very stable when it comes to emotions. Also, when it comes to reality, an ISTP might have the tendency to project a "deal with it" attitude into you. No offense, but that's just our view of reality.


Overall, an ISTP should present a pleasant face to an INFJ. However, it appears that an INFJ might not accept an ISTP with underdeveloped Ni and an unwillingness to develop that inferior Fe of ours. Likewise, an INFJ should be tough and strong, with a well-developed Ti and a willingness to develop that ol' inferior Se in order to suit an ISTP's needs.

According to socionics, ISTps and INFjs, the closest types to ISTP and INFJ, have favorable relations called activation relations.

 

[Infjman]

More than any other type, INFJs tend to feel that much of their intellectual work is being done for them, the product of which can feel like nothing less than a divinely bestowed gift.

This stood out to me. I am a senior in college and as soon as I trusted my intuition completely all effort seemed to stop despite the fact that I was actually doing quality work. I think the appearance of effort existed because there was resistance because of my lack of trust in myself. I got a 3.4 gpa and took 18 units and it felt like nothing, compared to the stress of school up until this time. The only other type I have seen where they make school work look easy is the entj.

 

[ngreenfield]

INFJ Dating Bible or How to Date an INFJ
— MAY 24, 2011

"INFJs are, by definition, rare, reserved, and unlikely to initiate anything, which means that many of them can end up alone and misunderstood. To help with things, I’ve compiled a list of points which I think would be of great use to anyone considering dating someone who identifies as an INFJ.

For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best and can be extremely gullible.
INFJs are adept at nonverbal communication (eye gaze, touching, body language, etc.). Just because they’re not speaking doesn’t mean they’re not saying something.
INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.
INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply. It’s not uncommon for INFJs to cry if they feel something very deeply.
INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’. Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.
INFJs can often mimic other types.
INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.
INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.
An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.
INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.
They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.
INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.
The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented. Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.
INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.
INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject their love, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.
An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknessess means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you, however the latter is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.
They need patience but they give patience in return.
They’re curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.
They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.
They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.
INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.
INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.
Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.
Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.
INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world."




http://modalitiesofexistence.com/2011/05/24/infj-dating-bible-or-how-to-date-an-infj/

 

[ngreenfield]

INFJ Dating Bible or How to Date an INFJ
— MAY 24, 2011

"INFJs are, by definition, rare, reserved, and unlikely to initiate anything, which means that many of them can end up alone and misunderstood. To help with things, I’ve compiled a list of points which I think would be of great use to anyone considering dating someone who identifies as an INFJ.

For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best and can be extremely gullible.
INFJs are adept at nonverbal communication (eye gaze, touching, body language, etc.). Just because they’re not speaking doesn’t mean they’re not saying something.
INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.
INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply. It’s not uncommon for INFJs to cry if they feel something very deeply.
INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’. Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.
INFJs can often mimic other types.
INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.
INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.
An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.
INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.
They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.
INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.
The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented. Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.
INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.
INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject their love, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.
An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknessess means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you, however the latter is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.
They need patience but they give patience in return.
They’re curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.
They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.
They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.
INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.
INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.
Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.
Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.
INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world."




http://modalitiesofexistence.com/2011/05/24/infj-dating-bible-or-how-to-date-an-infj/

This is perhaps the most comprehensive and best account of what being an INFJ is like. Thank you! It made me chuckle in recognition of so many truths.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

I came across this video nearly 4 years ago (when I was just beginning to explore and understand the INFJ profile) and it's definitely worth watching if you have the time. Everything he said resonated so well with me - hope it helps someone.

How To Date An INFJ

The outline he used:
1) Just be yourself.
2) Have a soul.
3) See the big picture and be an individual.
4) Give me time.
5) Make me feel alone.
6) Let me navigate my intuition.
7) Don't like me.
8) Psychological awareness.