It's a lot..
I have to admit, I'm doing that mental scoring in my head. Like this is some kind of competition of who is happier and has a better life now. It was in a way, it was me trying to gain self-confidence back. That's why I'm working twice as hard as before and really upping my game. I didn't think I'll genuinely feel better until I'm legitimately better than them (like better job, looking better, just a good standing in life). After the breakup, I felt like the biggest loser (I think anyone who gets dumped does), and I needed to be a winner again. I just hate failing in life and that was the biggest long-dragging reasons as to why I was so unhappy.
I've been there, girl. The majority of us have. I think the statistics are something like the average person goes through about three major break ups in their lives? I'm not sure. But I do know that they do suck something serious. Not only are we losing a person we care about, breakups also have a way of exposing every single one of our insecurities and the things we don't like about ourselves.
The good news is, as time goes on, the easier it gets to bounce back because you remember what you did to survive the last one. (The first major one is the worst. You're still figuring out your strategies)
The other piece of good news is, that break ups can also be major sources of motivation to get our shit together. You can transfer a lot of your anger into determination. If you feel like the competition gets you fired up, take the opportunity to channel it into something useful.
I was fine a for a little while when I didn't hear any news of him or anything because it allowed me to be stuck in my own world and focus of myself. I could make up things in my head about him and his new girl and it wouldn't affect me during that time..I literally didn't care about them. Like -- whatever. It's not until I hear some talk from a few mutual friends regarding him/new girl does it really set me back. When I hear news from them, I know it's REAL and the information given actually hurts. I'm not trying to stalk him or anything, but word of mouth gets out and it gets into my ear sometimes. I haven't blocked him on anything though. This dude does not have social media. Just a Spotify (in which he still follows me in, but I don't think he knows because he's technologically illiterate) and an Etsy. So I actually don't hear or get ANYTHING from him himself. I know he never wants to see me again anyways (just judging by that interaction I had with him at the parking lot). I still have the old emails he sent me; the very sweet ones. Even the silly invitation for our anniversary date that my calendar automatically sent him. I read it and it takes me back to the happier and sweeter days. I know I have to delete those. It's hard to and it brings me to tears to even try. I will come to it eventually though.
Yep. The reminders will do it for you. It's not exactly an analogous situation, but I ended a decade long friendship about a month ago. We had a huge fight and it was this terrible, hurtful drama, and then.... no contact. Which was for the best, and it was something I knew was right. But there were things that would constantly remind me of her throughout the house. I literally had to go around and pack up those things in a box and set it aside. I donated about 90% of them to charity. The rest, I put into storage. It sounds so dramatic, but y'know, it helped me screw my head on straight. Deleting emails and conversations helped too. Over five years of daily text correspondence on my phone. Boop! All gone.
And I felt freer for it.
Whenever you're ready to do that, do consider purging your life of reminders of him. It does help. Clearly, the updates and reminders are what are your identified triggers here now.
Psychoanalyzing him is probably not going to help my case. I never had closure or a talk so I guess I'm doing everything and anything to get some form of it. In my mind, I thought it would be good in order to help me get some peace and be able to move on. I truly felt like a restless ghost who haunts until its soul is at peace. Trying to make up reasons and answers by analyzing. I also needed other peoples' opinions because I didn't know if it was just me or this guy actually was in the wrong at times; it drove me crazy balancing out right and wrong. I needed to be out of my own fucking head for a while.
Just from a number of things you described, it's plenty clear that there was a lot of incompatibilities in the relationship. And he definitely was in the wrong at times.
I'm just reluctant to encourage you to keep circling this drain because your main upset here is your ex moving on while you're still standing in the same place. Closure is more about gaining back control than anything else. And if you keep thinking and thinking and thinking and he keeps getting further and further ahead, you're not going to get back control over the thing that's upsetting you. I think it would be more beneficial for you to cut off the gossip line about him, start taking action on some goals and get back a bit of your self-confidence.
And I don't think you're going to be able to do that if your focus is on investigating your self-worth based on how this boy treated you in the relationship and who was right and who was wrong. Pick something to work on that *you* know you need to work on. Even if its a small thing and easily achievable. Reach for the quick victories. And I promise you, before long, you'll be in a better position to properly mourn the relationship when you've got your sense of power back.
I would've appreciated it if he was honest and told me everything that he didn't like about me, liked or what was wrong. Of course, hearing that shit hurts but it's better than hearing crickets. However, he's the type who doesn't like tough and honest conversations. Avoids guilt and bad feelings because he doesn't like to feel it. Sweet guy but can't handle the gravity of any situation and veers away from responsibilities when things really get rough. He's the sensitive, overly emotional type.
If you think about it some more, you'll probably come up with a whole list of things you didn't like about this guy and what made you two incompatible. You absolutely weren't the only one with flaws in this relationship,
for sure. Remember that.
Definitely not a full blown narcissistic but he probably has some tendencies. Not sure if I mentioned it already but he was raised and is living with his extreme, serial dating narcissistic dad (who finally married after 4 months of dating his recent gf (who happens to be a family therapist, haha). Family is actually a bit dysfunctional on both sides (not my business but maybe it could help explain why he's the way he is?). I was told by someone that people from families like that you have to watch out for because they usually take after the parents and the issues in the family (whether they are aware of it or not) and etc. I've spoken to him about this before to see what he thinks of it and he only got offended. I don't know what it is exactly, but him and his new girl are moving at fast speeds in the relationship. Additionally, they went to the special garden recently that we literally went to a few weeks before breaking up. That garden we both had went to for the first time and shared a lot of special and funny moments together. Just... wow.
Yeah, it's entirely possible he's taken a page out of his father's book on how to deal with break ups. It's also possible he hit rush-delivery on his new relationship to make up for the instability in his family situation. It's also possible that its
both.
But as long as he's doing what he's doing and not rubbing this in your face, then technically he's not doing any of this to be cruel. This is just what he thinks is right for him.
I think if you're not talking to him or learning any of this from social media, its your friends that are the issue here. Why are they telling you about this garden thing and all the details as to how quickly he's moving with this new girlfriend. Why do they think you need to know this?
Of course this shit is going to hurt.
Yeah, he most likely checked out months ago. But literally a week before we broke up, he said "I love you" teary eyed and wrote me a sincere heartfelt poem. So... yeah, I'm sure hella confused. He's not the type to forget or emotionally go on so quickly, but he DOES practice stoicism (since the start of this year, so perhaps that may be a factor). I told him how it hurt when he previously broke up with me over a conflict that could've been handled with a conversation. I was like "You can't just breakup every time we have a minor or big conflict. Dude, is this how you handle every problem that comes your way? This doesn't translate well down the road with your own life or any relationship you have, you know that right? I love you, it's honestly kind of immature and I wish you would understand and work on that."
He told me he would be prepared for anything like a breakup or death by thinking about it all the time. That way he won't waste time being sad/depressed when things like that happen. He's kind of right about not wasting time feeling down but I thought it was also kind of fucked up. If he's preparing for it, then he's kind of planning/expecting it to happen. Something I'd never do even if it was just to make myself feel less pain. Wow. Not sure how anyone else feels about this or what your take is on it. Along the same conversation of his philosophy and breakups, he claims that nothing is forever; which is true but damn dude, really?
Keep in mind that break ups are a process, not an event. Even if he knew that you two weren't going to work out (and honestly, the breaking up over petty conflicts would suggest this), it's still highly likely that he meant it when he said 'I love you.' In fact, it's common for people to part ways on 'I love you's' as a way to honor their feelings for the other person. You don't just one day wake up and feel nothing for a partner you've been with for the past two years. You can continue loving a partner even when you know its best for you to part ways. Part of him will probably always care for you. You two have been through a lot.
It's just... well, people will always try and do things that they believe will make them happy. It may not make sense to you, but it makes sense to them. This philosophy he has on life is a perfect example of that.
Overall, what brings his existence and his girl's existence in my life again is just talk from mutual friends. As far as I know, they have no social medias so it's not like I'm purposely keeping tabs of it.
Ugh, yeah. You should probably have a chat with your mutual friends, then. Any time he comes up, just say something like: 'You know what, I'm happy for him and I wish him well, but let's talk about something else' and immediately change the topic of the conversation. It might be helpful to have a few topics prepared in case you need to fill in the blanks. Eventually, they'll get the message.
At the end of the day, I think you got to move towards empowering yourself.
