INFJ ex-bf moved on really fast

java said:
But... you... what!!?
The INTP Council will have to be gathered.

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Thank you Java.
 
ClevelandINTP said:
I suppose I had to deal with the diary dumping with an INFJ before. And that was so one-sided I became resentful. Like they can just dump and dump and dump their emotional turmoil on me, yet god forbid I want to talk to them about anything going on with me. It's exacerbated in romantic relationships. Then if I voice that sentiment to them, they do the emotional thing and act like they're a failure. It's like, no, I just want you to understand what a reciprocal relationship actually is

So in that sense, no I am not built for an INFJ because I would be the one giving too much

Chew on that
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When I realized the same thing as you, I started telling him "You only like me when I'm happy. When I am going through something or have issues, I'm problematic." Meanwhile, he has had some serious personal issues in which I've stood by his side and helped him with throughout (regardless of how one of them hurt me personally) and was always there for him no matter what. Whenever I voiced out MY problems, he becomes emotional acting like it's all about him or some shit; it's like ... excuse me, I'M the one suffering here, this is MY issue.
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
Is it common? I'm not sure. I haven't met so many INFJs in my life. Personally, It takes me a very long time before I door slam. The shortest it ever took me is two years. When I was a kid and immature, I doorslammed my childhood besties when I realized our interests were no longer the same. In high school, they grew to liking cheerleading for the cute basketball jocks while I preferred books and movies. It wasn't a harsh slam. They still say they miss me, I just little by little stopped seeing them. That's unusual for INFJs because I find that when I value a friendship, I keep it to the best of my ability. I'm still bestfriends with those whose connection I valued deeply. Basically, I am picky with who to connect with but when I find it, I never let it go. Ever. I've only ever doorslammed few people in my life. One, my father. Too long a story. Two, my ex who I loved deeply but wasn't made for. I doorslammed then to ensure my survival. Three, my mentor (out of extreme anger) and last, another ex-friend but also because I needed to survive. Mind you, these are all good people that I have chosen not to be in my life because it's too difficult. I have basically reconnected (made peace) with these people too or have reached a point of gravity but I can never ever have them in my life again the same way they used to be in it. Also, relationships with these people were fostered for at least two years before the doors were finally shut. So, no. It doesn't come to me commonly.
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I think it's pretty extreme to doorslam people who had a lot of meaning to you. It's like you completely devalue the relationship you had with these people by cutting them out, as if they are meaningless. I lack empathy and compassion and yet I always leave the door open to those who are serious about changing.
 
milkandhoney23 said:
When I realized the same thing as you, I started telling him "You only like me when I'm happy. When I am going through something or have issues, I'm problematic." Meanwhile, he has had some serious personal issues in which I've stood by his side and helped him with throughout (regardless of how one of them hurt me personally) and was always there for him no matter what. Whenever I voiced out MY problems, he becomes emotional acting like it's all about him or some shit; it's like ... excuse me, I'M the one suffering here, this is MY issue.
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Yeah, that's pretty shitty. Particularly, the you only like we when I'm happy stuff. You can't just block out certain things about someone. It's certainly not very accepting
 
milkandhoney23 said:
When I realized the same thing as you, I started telling him "You only like me when I'm happy. When I am going through something or have issues, I'm problematic." Meanwhile, he has had some serious personal issues in which I've stood by his side and helped him with throughout (regardless of how one of them hurt me personally) and was always there for him no matter what. Whenever I voiced out MY problems, he becomes emotional acting like it's all about him or some shit; it's like ... excuse me, I'M the one suffering here, this is MY issue.
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It sounds very imbalanced. You deserve better. You deserve someone who could be there for you. You don't have to take that kind of attitude from anyone.

milkandhoney23 said:
I think it's pretty extreme to doorslam people who had a lot of meaning to you. It's like you completely devalue the relationship you had with these people by cutting them out, as if they are meaningless. I lack empathy and compassion and yet I always leave the door open to those who are serious about changing.
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It could be extreme but it's necessary. It's not about individualism, it's about pursuing healthier circumstances. You don't need to stick with someone who has treated you poorly for a very long time. If anything, you must not hold on to it. True, the relationship had value when it had value and you can be grateful for those. However, sometimes the bad outweighs the good and it is in these situations that it's better to leave such things in the past.

This is not about mbti or anything. You have to recognize that you deserve better.
 
ClevelandINTP said:
Yeah, that's pretty shitty. Particularly, the you only like we when I'm happy stuff. You can't just block out certain things about someone. It's certainly not very accepting
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Yeah, he got offended/mad when I said that. I think that statement was what made him breakup with me in the very end. The other times I wasn't feeling myself or I was moody, he would just ignore me and talk to me again the next day or a few days later. Like -- I feel like he thinks that if he just left me alone to deal with my shit myself, I would be fine again and that's when he would come back around. Because of this, I really have thought long and hard on whether I would actually want this man as my future husband/father of my children. He's a great guy, but wasn't exactly helpful during the most desperate times.. and many other times. It simply felt like I was dating a baby instead of a man. Essentially, that was what we were... mother and son. I don't mind being in that position, but I also need a man..
 
milkandhoney23 said:
Yeah, he got offended/mad when I said that. I think that statement was what made him breakup with me in the very end. The other times I wasn't feeling myself or I was moody, he would just ignore me and talk to me again the next day or a few days later. Like -- I feel like he thinks that if he just left me alone to deal with my shit myself, I would be fine again and that's when he would come back around. Because of this, I really have thought long and hard on whether I would actually want this man as my future husband/father of my children. He's a great guy, but wasn't exactly helpful during the most desperate times.. and many other times. It simply felt like I was dating a baby instead of a man. Essentially, that was what we were... mother and son. I don't mind being in that position, but I also need a man..
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You most definitely do. I'm sure he is a good man of his own accord but this is not a scenario that is helping both of you thrive. It is best to part ways. He may want to come back to you in the long run if there are ever issues with his current girl. If he does, remember that makes him twice the jerk and definitely does not deserve your affection. Go, give that love you have for him to yourself.
 
MINFJToothFairy said:
You most definitely do. I'm sure he is a good man of his own accord but this is not a scenario that is helping both of you thrive. It is best to part ways. He may want to come back to you in the long run if there are ever issues with his current girl. If he does, remember that makes him twice the jerk and definitely does not deserve your affection. Go, give that love you have for him to yourself.
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Yeah, I guess you're right.

It's extremely confusing on judging whether he was a good man or not. I'm literally the one and only person who knows everything about him. Everyone else has gotten close but not close enough. I know his good side and his bad side. His talents and his faults. So no one else is able to see what I see and make a fair judgement about him. His mother said he used to be a major asshole back when he was little though (After the divorce and everything. I don't think that's even irrelevant anymore but maybe it is..?) As far as I know, literally everyone loves him and think he's the sweetest. He was one of the few people I respected before. That's why for me, it's hard to come to terms that this man was perhaps not "a great catch". It's hard to think that the guy who I thought was so good is also so not the best. I don't hate or blame him. I know he's just a very emotional, immature, cowardly, sensitive, stubborn, mentally struggling guy when it comes down to his faults. Maybe he'll change himself with the other girl. Maybe the other girl won't even see it. Or maybe the other girl is better at accepting and handling his faults. Who knows. I'm the first one and I am the "training girlfriend". It's too bad that we had to be each other's first to actually open our eyes to knowing more about ourselves and each other. I wished he wasn't a stepping stone. I stood by him through everything and made him who he is today. You're welcome to all his future girlfriends.

I don't know about him coming back to me though. He's very stubborn and well... has an ego (as much as he doesn't want to admit). As of now, he seems like he has a lot of emotions pent up (I could tell when we made eye contact when I was in the car). I do hope that he would want to talk again and have a honest/reflective conversation with me.

First love is rough. I guess that's why I don't see it now... because he was my first and I haven't had experience with others to actually know what I deserve/what's acceptable.
 
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