INFJ + INTJ = !?!??

what a great thread, i guess i would say that as i am in a very intense online freindship/relationship with an INTJ at the moment.

I can relate to all the comments made, you can feel like a lab rat in a labrortory experiment at times being dissected and analyzed, and you have to get over the illusion of them being at times cold and critical (it's just their way)
What i have found is if you get to know them, dissect them back and understand how they process information you find that all is not what it seems. Time and understanding is required, if you give it to them it pays huge rewards.

Just my thoughts and experience.
 
thirtysleuths said:
Easier said than done, my friend! Love is the only sickness everyone wants, and no one wants to get rid of. Besides, I have a thing about following through to the end, no matter how wretched. Though I never eat the last hors d'oeuvre. But I always mean to be left rather than leave. Call it needless suffering, if you will. It just feels right.
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I'm the same way! I think there's only one time when I've actually wanted a relationship to end and even then, I couldn't break up with him. So I gave him an ultimatum where I knew he wouldn't choose me. Aside from that, it's like I have to explore everything, give a million chances, anything to make sure that this person isn't right for me. I mean they have to be right if I've allowed them to get so close in the first place? And even if they aren't, I don't want to be the person left wondering...hmm did I let go of someone potentially amazing?


badbluey said:
what a great thread, i guess i would say that as i am in a very intense online freindship/relationship with an INTJ at the moment.

I can relate to all the comments made, you can feel like a lab rat in a labrortory experiment at times being dissected and analyzed, and you have to get over the illusion of them being at times cold and critical (it's just their way)
What i have found is if you get to know them, dissect them back and understand how they process information you find that all is not what it seems. Time and understanding is required, if you give it to them it pays huge rewards.

Just my thoughts and experience.
Click to expand...

The thing that's so weird is that I wouldn't mind being analyzed. I mean part of me wants to be exposed in such a way, but it's the part where they won't let you know what conclusions they've come to, that's frustrating.
 
Question: Are you sure he's not a "playah" in disguise?

I used to date someone similar to the person you're discribing. Very smart, very philosophical (ehehhe) and very much of a "playah" in disguise! We were "together" for 5 years but we were never a couple per si; he wouldn't comit himself to me, because he could be missing "the one". He would then rationalize that kind of bs and I would promptly believe he was right, since he was usually sooooo logical. What a waist of my time!

Basically, I agree with Satya, they tend to not comit. Don't ask why, because even if it's very obvious in their minds , it doesn't make ANY sense, in the matter of the heart.
So girl (ehehehe) beware of the "hidden playahhhh". Do me a big favor and don't get hurt over someone who doesn't deserve you. I don't want to come across mean, but trully think if this relationship is worthy, since he keeps listing why you are "wrong " for him. Maybe, IDK, just maybe, he's "wrong" for you! How about that? (again, not trying to be mean)
 
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:)

No offense taken Freedom. It's actually something I have thought about before. And I think the main difference between a "playah" and this guy I'm into, is that a player would string a person along. Make them think there was a chance when there isn't. My friend has made it clear where we stand and it's understood that we're free to date other people. Also a player only stays around because they're getting something out of the relationship. Money, bootaaay (hehehe), a place to stay, etc...

As for my friend, well. All I can say is that if he was a player, he would've left a long time ago...I'm far too much work for so little payoff. I think the vibe I'm getting from him is that he's just real unsure of things and that I can understand. I'm pretty sure he knows he's screwed things up quite a bit, which is why he won't give things another try unless he's sure this time it could work. Unfortunately, I don't think I have that much patience left to wait till he figures that out.
 
tereza said:
:)

No offense taken Freedom. It's actually something I have thought about before. And I think the main difference between a "playah" and this guy I'm into, is that a player would string a person along. Make them think there was a chance when there isn't. My friend has made it clear where we stand and it's understood that we're free to date other people. Also a player only stays around because they're getting something out of the relationship. Money, bootaaay (hehehe), a place to stay, etc...

As for my friend, well. All I can say is that if he was a player, he would've left a long time ago...I'm far too much work for so little payoff. I think the vibe I'm getting from him is that he's just real unsure of things and that I can understand. I'm pretty sure he knows he's screwed things up quite a bit, which is why he won't give things another try unless he's sure this time it could work. Unfortunately, I don't think I have that much patience left to wait till he figures that out.
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That's good to know, hun (that he's not a "playah") BTW, I don't know for sure if my ex is an INTJ, after all, I did't test him, and the thing I agreed with Satya (I wasn't clear) was in relation to their ideal "half". My INTJ in particular was just like what satya was describing, though I can't say they're all the same. Take Lurke, for instance. She is the sweetest person I've met here in the forum, so far.

I was just trying to help you with the "playah" factor.

How was my relationship with an INTJ? Intense. We would see each other every day, we were best friends, we hung out at school, we were neighbours. Almost like dawson's creek. ahahahha Except that I was "retarded" dawson and he would be, well, not joey... Maybe Pacey ahahahah
I'm glad you're figuring out what to do for yourself.
 
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thirtysleuths said:
Easier said than done, my friend! Love is the only sickness everyone wants, and no one wants to get rid of. Besides, I have a thing about following through to the end, no matter how wretched. Though I never eat the last hors d'oeuvre. But I always mean to be left rather than leave. Call it needless suffering, if you will. It just feels right.
Click to expand...


I totally agree with you. It is never easy to let go or leave the person you love. I am also experiencing this thing right now and it is making me crazy. It's just that in my case, I am the robot that do not know how to deal with the situation. We started as friends but eventually I fell for him. That experience made me very much confuse. Ironically, people say that I am good in giving them words of wisdom when it comes to relationships but when it comes to my relationships, I would be in a total discord.

I love him but then I do not know how to show my love for him. The circumstances took its toll on me and now, we are really apart. If I would look into our situation from others' point of view, then I could easily say that I did abandoned him. But considering the fact that I have reasons to my decisions and actions, I would justify myself with different excuses. The truth for me is that, I am stuck in this stage of my life where in I can't move on. It is still with him even though I decided to maintain a distance away from him.

I know he might not be able to comprehend my actions and eventually think that I did left him. This topic pains me and so I don't even know if I made myself clear. (How could I if my view of my own situation is vague?)

I want to say to him to just stay with me and don't go but then that would be a betrayal to myself. All I can do is to let go but stay in a distance where I could easily be there when he needs me the most. However, I think I would never be able to help him because he thinks that I have completely left him. The truth is that I never left him. I took a part of himself with me and left my heart behind.

He is an INFJ and I am an INTJ. I guess I was also an INFJ before but now, I am more of an INTJ.
 
I have been in two relationships with INTJs (present and past), and I have already posted how much I like the type. I think they tend to be immature emotionally and do well with those INFJs who are mature and very intuitive who can "read" them instead of trying to get them to verbalize their emotions until the relationship is well advanced. They have strong, intense feelings, but they rarely show them or let them out and certainly don't know how to express them well.

Two things I would say about your situation: First, if an INTJ can't "see" where the relationship is going or isn't comfortable with the future he predicts with you, he won't even be open to the possibility of being with you no matter how great a match you are. Second, I find that INTJs open up best in the dark right before bed or after sex; of course, you have to actually get them to that point; if you can connect and bond with them emotionally, you'll most likely have them since so few people can do that for them. The problem with an LTR is that getting them to open up emotionally over e-mail or on the phone is really hard.
 
Whew, a Thread where I can actually help out - maybe.

So first of all...INTJs are not exactly Robots. INTJs often just don't talk about their Feelings or surpress them. But well, that doesn't mean we can't learn.
Also I have met some INTJs that looked freaking static and robotic first, but when we started to talk in private it was actually very different. Sometimes we just don't want to share in complete Public. But give us a Chance on a One-on-One Conversation.
Also it is always good to be honest. So if you have a Problem, just be honest. Makes you earn our Respect. Just watch your Words. No need to go all "You suck because you have no Feelings" or whatever. Talking in a respectful Way is completely enough.

As for the INTJ - INFJ Thing...it CAN work. They are basically considered "Cousins".
Maybe it would actually help you, if I posted a more detailed Description of "How to"s for INTJs. If so, let me know.

Also I have found a german Website that tells how the different Types fit together and what the Problems could be. If you want I am going to post a Translation here for you.

However, just let me know. I would be glad to do so and de-puzzle you a Bit. =)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
EDIT: Okay okay, so I have already been asked for that Translation. Here we go then.

INTJ x INFJ
Positives
Both are calm and serious. They are selective about their Interests but full of Passion.
They need much Time for themselves to think about their Ideas, so they'll understand when the Other needs some Time for him-/herself.
INTJs and INFJs will have a deep intellectuall Connection, which bases on their common Love about Ideas and Possibilities.
They like to discuss about Theories and the possible Outcomings.
Both are very creative and original.
They will feel very connected when talking about their Future together.

Both like to being tidy and decided.
They love a clean home and some Routines without sudden Changes or Surprises.
They will build Meanings about almost Anything and will feel challenged when making Decisions or being able to do Something.

What INTJs like about INFJ
Compassion / Empathy, Warm-Heartedness, caring for Others, Ability to "communicate so well"

What INFJs like about INTJ
Calm Objectiveness, strategic and critical Thinking, Independance, the Ability to stick to their Principles even of they get Pressure or Obstacles

INTJs will help the INFJ to think more logic and to not take Everything so personal, be more diplomatic

INFJs will help the INTJ to be more patient with Others, express and notice their own Feelings instead of keeping them for themselves


Negatives
INTJs and INFJ use different Criterias for their Decision, so it can happen that they solve Problems with opposing Methods.

INTJs are analytical & critical and tend to make Comments or Decisions without paying Attention to Feelings of other Persons.

INFJs tend to sense exactly what Feelings their Decisions are going to create in Others and they are even ready to change their Opinions for them. This could be seen as jumpy for the INTJ.

INTJs think that INFJs are overreacting and get unnecessarily hurt when it comes to constructive Criticism.

INFJs often think that INTJs are too critical and react too impatient about their Feelings

INFJs could also be embarassed pretty easily when the INTJ argue with other People or talk "hard" about them.

Both, but mostly the INTJs, could be uber-Perfectionists.
They tend to think about their own Opinions first.
When working on their own Projects, they could look like on "Autopilot" or robotic.

INFJs tend to care about the "World out there" more.
INTJs tend to get lost in their own World and often work just for themselves, keeping their Mates and Family out.

Both love Order and Structures, but Everyone has their own Idea about "how Something is done right", so it could end up in Arguements.

INTJs often act like they are on an upper Level
INFJs often act more morally and self-righteous
and none of both is too willing to give that up.

INFJs will probably more likely try to restore the Harmony, while the INTJ could stick to his/her Opinion. It could be a Problem in the Relationship.

Both tend to stick to their Way of doing Things, so probably they will decline to change or set back their Plans to take spontaneous Chances.

Both don't like to work with Details or always turning banal Things, so probably they will forget about the Household sometimes or not be too careful with their Possessions.
Then, when one of them (mostly the Girl, no Matter what Type she is) is doing more than the Other (more than it is fair), they will probably end up arguing. But as long as both split up the Work fairly they can make a great Team.

How to get in Touch with your INFJ Partner
~ Take his Feelings seriously and patiently, even if you don't understand them yet or they seem "unlogic"
~ Ask your Partner for an Advice or an Opinion about other People, especially about their Feelings, Motivations and Needs
~ Listen to the Stories of your Mate, especially those about People and his or their Relationships to each Other
~ Support the Efforts of your Mate (Job-Matters), especially about Changes which are hard or painful. Motivate him to continue / keep up
~ Try to express your Feelings. Don't just stop because you think your Mate will think you are mad at him
~ Smile, be gentle and lovable and ask your Mate how he is feeling

How to get in Touch with your INTJ Partner
~ Tell your Mate straight-forward what you want (what you want him to do, what you want to change etc). Don't make him do Guessing-Games
~ Ask your Mate about Opinions to Questions and Problems, instead of just thinking that you know how he feels
~ Respect the Knowlege of your Mate. Never question his Authority / Competence in Public
~ Respect it, if your Partner wants to be alone to follow his Projects and let him have this Time without telling him that you feel outcast or lonely
~ Help your Mate to express his Feelings and to go through his Frustrations with other Persons
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Hope this helps.
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Oyyy...this hits close to home. ;)

I was almost engaged to an INTJ long ago, but it ended badly (badly for me rather than him, I believe). When it was good, it was awesome. We "clicked" for lack of another word. He was the first intuitive I'd ever dated, and I fell in love with him big time.

Long story, though, and all done. I still think about him every once in a while, and I wonder about him and his wife (who I suspect might have been an ISFJ).
 
Yeah well...in General it could work out fine. I mean you always have to compromise in Relationships, no Matter if Friendships, Family, Business or romantic Relationships. So yup, it CAN work. As long as both play along and try to make it work, why not.

Heh, just mostly I got the Guys who didn't want to compromise at all so bad Luck for me. =P
 
I just read what GargoylesLegacy posted (the How To's for INFJ and INTJ). And it's all pretty true for us. I'm an INFJ and my husband is an INTJ. We've been married for a little over 4 years and we've had our share of differences. But, regardless of type, I think you can make any relationship successful if you work at it. My husband and I have learned how we need to speak and approach each other. And for the most part, we do fine. It helps that he does try to compromise, and at the very least, is willing to hear my point of view.
 
Black Swan said:
I just read what GargoylesLegacy posted (the How To's for INFJ and INTJ). And it's all pretty true for us. My husband and I have learned how we need to speak and approach each other. And for the most part, we do fine. It helps that he does try to compromise, and at the very least, is willing to hear my point of view.
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Heh, you know, I am happy to hear that. Especially since Relationships are often labeled "the INTJs Achilles Heel". I am not lost, yet. ^^°
 
That was very interesting. Thanks for posting it.
 
that was very interesting. it was also my relationship a couple of years back, hahaha.

i was engaged to an intj. it obviously didn't happen. he hasn't dated anyone else since. the problems mentioned above were the problems we had too. and regardless of whether or not he is a good person, i just always felt that there was something else for me.
 
No Problem. If you need Anything else about Type Relationships or whatever let me know. I seriously haven't found this in english yet. But I am actually considering to translate it all and upload it on my Server or Something like that. I'll see I guess. Would probably help a lot of People.
 
I was in a short relationship with a woman who I *think* was an INTJ. She was definitely an INJ of sorts. It seemed to work out pretty well because she was 'deep' and very honest about herself. Her cold yet spontaneous exterior was offset by a very romantic and idealistic interior (about as romantic as mine was). I'm questioning her T though, because she loved Nickelback and we would make love to it and she would lay in my arms. She would complement me often and ask me when I appeared aloof she would often ask me what I was thinking. She would tell me of the deepest things that were in her soul, and I enjoyed listening.

I dont know the relationship never got out of the 'falling in love' stage, I thought she was awesome, but at the time I was not in that kind of head space. I had the opportunity to experience 'adventure' by moving to a different province and chose that instead.

The next time that happens, i'm not gonna run away!
 
Thank you so much for starting and keeping up with this thread! It's be incredibly helpful---My very good friend is an INTJ, but unlike a lot of colder descriptions of INTJs, he's always very sensitive to my feelings and is always sweet. But he somehow always talks about his flaw---that he's not considerate enough. May be he has more of an F than other INTJs! But honestly, I think an INFJ and INTJ relationship can work out, because there are many similarities (to have two people get close) but enough differences to get different interesting perspectives.
 
I am an INFJ and my boyfriend of 5 years in INTJ. In the beginning we dated long-distance for 2 and a half years, and they were tumultuous to say the least. He had a really time showing me how he felt, and I often felt as though I was not a priority in his life. Over this time period and the emotional upheaval, we managed to realize that we both have a deep love for one another, and although we miscommunicate from time to time, we balance each other out very nicely.

He pushed people away in his prior relationships, and after I broke up with him a couple of years ago, and he realized that I meant it that time, he really took the time to do some soul-searching. He was determined not to make the same mistake with me that he had made with others. He is a very emotional person, although you wouldn't know it if you didn't know him very closely. I feel so lucky to get to know all of the intricasies of his personality becuase he is close to very few people. We are best friends.
I am sooooo emotional, and he helps to ground me, and see things from others' perspectives more, and to stop taking things so personally. He has taught me that not everyone is a mind-reader and that I need to share my thoughts/feelings/opinions. Although we do differ on our opinions on right or wrong in certain situations, we have just come to accept that there are some things that we will never agree on, and that's fine. We also understand what it means to be introverted and appreciate that we both need alone time to revitalize.
Arguing with him drives me crazy because he is 'always right,' but when he is hurt, he hurts deep, and that makes my heart melt with empathy. He is very driven and very confident, and that is inspiring. Earlier comments made me giggle because he does get ridiculously passionate about certain things and goes into them in great detail. I love to see him so passionate about things, and he actally taught me a lot about poker that way. I think it's great that he can broaden my interests, but sometimes, I think "Enough already!!! I don't care about your hand history!"
I have a chronic illness and recently had a bad relapse where I was on bed-rest. He tried his hardest, and provided me with all of my physical needs...food, drink....but didn't realize that what I needed most from him was cuddles, and compassion. We have had talks about this, and already he seems to understand more, and make more of an effort. It is hard to deal with someone who is very ill, especially for someone who is INTJ.
In the end, I love him, he loves me, we are best friends, and he is my sunshine. He is my rock. He loves how much I believe in him, it makes him feel stronger. He listens to my idealism and appreciates my sweetness and sincerity. How cool is that?
I could go on, but I think I've done enough blabbering.
It was very hard in the beginning, but the end result was well worth waiting and fighting for.
 
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