INFJ pet peeves

[meowzician]

I'd love to bounce around some of the things that bug us. And I mean things that bug us but not most other people. Maybe they are things that just bug Ni folks. Or just bug NF folks. Do you think there are any pet peeves particular to only INFJ's?

Here is a major irritation for me--interruption.

Let's say I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone(s). It could be on anything. Maybe something deep. Maybe something practical. Maybe the group is finally, finally addressing a topic that is near and dear to me but seldom comes up. Maybe something perfectly mundane. But in my mind I've already laid out the points that need to be made, the order to make them, what example or argument I want to make, and how I want to word it to guard everyone's feelings. Or maybe I just want to have my own turn sharing on the topic.

Suddenly there is an interruption and it derails the whole conversation. It irritates me that I did all that mental work for nothing. I have a hard time letting go. And if it is a work related thing, that raises it to a much higher level. Or maybe I just feel slighted because others had a chance to share about something and I never got my turn.

Sometimes its an unfortunate necessary interruption, but most of the time it's just someone being rude. Perhaps its someone who approaches the group and doesn't even intend to listen and find out what the topic already is. And I mean they don't even say "excuse me" before they butt in with something totally unrelated. It's just, "Hey Susan! I couldn't leave without saying hi! How is it going with the work on your kitchen?" There are probably a dozen way these rude interruptions happen.

Sometimes it is someone who is legitimately taking their turn but just lacks the intelligence to understand that what they are saying is irrelevant or only tangentially related.

And SOMETIMES it is someone in the group who, I swear to God, they just don't like the topic and deliberately derail it. I've noticed that especially if the topic turns to something dark or something deep, there are certain people who push back. They just hate that sort of thing. Why can't they just smile and wave goodbye and go shmooze with others? But no, they choose to interrupt with something completely unrelated. There are certain people I know who do this so routinely that when they join the group, *I* wave goodbye and go shmooze with others rather than be aggravated by them once again manipulating and dominating the conversation.

Example: There was a monthly Zoom group I participated in during Covid that was designed for people who enjoyed talking about deeper things: current events, politics, ethics, religion, major movements or philosophies in society. It was wonderful. At the beginning the facilitator would draw two topics out of a jar, and then the group would vote on which topic to discuss. This one guy joined the group, and during the vote he would sometimes make it very clear he did NOT want to talk about one (or both) of the topics. If that topic won the vote, he would derail it. Others wouldn't catch on that he did this deliberately but it was crystal clear to me. And if someone like me steered the conversation back on topic, he would derail it again. I ended up speaking to the facilitator about this over the phone, telling him he needed to speak with the guy about this, and he needed as facilitator to take a stronger hand in derailing the derailer.

And finally, sometimes I get hugely irritated with myself. I'll have a point that requires multiple steps to make. I'll be on point one or point two... and then totally forget what point three was supposed to be or I'll even forget the topic. It comes across like I went off on a tangent, and it wasn't a true tangent but that's sure how it affects the conversation--which then never gets back to the point, grrr. I'll literally say out loud, "Now why did I say that?" and I can't remember. LOL Jiminy cricket I just HATE it when I do that.

So do I also interrupt? Any hypocrisy going on here? LOL Well, yes and no. I really do take care to make sure someone has finished their point. I wait for that brief moment of silence that means they are done. The only exception to that is when they say something incredibly untrue and yeah I need to work on that... But at the same time, if they are the kind of person that goes on and on and on (like my son) and it's one untruth after another, I can't remember every untruth I need to address. I need for us to pause and address one point at a time. And in my own defense, when I do interrupt it is ALWAYS on topic, ALWAYS responding to what they are saying.

I dunno, I sense that I could do better. Maybe it is more important to let others finish their thoughts than it is for every single point to be addressed. Maybe it's better for me to let things slide, even important points. Maybe I should weigh more carefully how important a point is--X needs to be interrupted and Y needs to be let go.

But there is one last thing I want to say. It bugs me to my very core that here I am working VERY hard to be fair to others and considerate of others in this way and you all know VERY well that they are NOT doing the same thing for me. I have only one friend (my bestie, ESFJ?) who mentally keeps track of who has had a chance to talk and who still needs a turn and which person in the group is an interruptasaurus. Everyone else? They don't give it a thought. They don't care. It's a very unequal relationship.

 

[Erik Alberto]

I feel you on this, @meowzician. Interrupting rates very high on my list of pet peeves—maybe at the top. I grew up around it. It’s very triggering to me.
My wife almost never interrupts. I experience this as a most amazing blessing in my life.

 

[meowzician]

I feel you on this, @meowzician. Interrupting rates very high on my list of pet peeves—maybe at the top. I grew up around it. It’s very triggering to me.

Got it!

Isn't it nice that in text no one can interrupt? LOL

So what is your second biggest pet peeve.

My wife almost never interrupts. I experience this as a most amazing blessing in my life.

“Who can find a woman of valor? Her worth is far above rubies.”
Proverbs 31:10

 

[SlowUpTake]

an interruption provides a moment to reflect on the imposter syndrome and how it influences reflects upon our fundamental human drive to feel relevant, valued, and recognized.

 

[meowzician]

an interruption provides a moment to reflect on the imposter syndrome and how it influences reflects upon our fundamental human drive to feel relevant, valued, and recognized.

Imposter syndrome?

I have severe imposter syndrome when people compliment my singing voice or my music compositions. Except I suspect it's not really imposter syndrome. I think they just don't hear all my mistakes because their ears are not as sensitive as mine, and they compare my compositions to basic stuff like Louie Louie, instead of to Rachmaninov Piano Concerto #2. A "B" is a pretty good grade! But a "B" is not an "A." I have a pretty good voice! My songs are good. But I am not gifted. I know people who are. I'd love to be one of them. But I'm not.

But during these conversations where I get interrupted? No, I never feel like an imposter. Ever. There are times when I realize I'm talking to someone considerably more knowledgeable, and I'll do far more listening than speaking--I see THOSE kinds of conversations as a kind of reality check for my ideas. But do I feel like I'm an imposter? Not in the slightest.

*********************
Okay, I'm adding an edit after reflecting more. Maaaaaybe my music stuff miiiiight be true imposter syndrome, but I'm not sure. You see, back in May our choir and musicians did a piece I wrote. Nu, our pianist is a graduate from Juliard, and plays with the local symphonies. A cheap seat to hear him play runs about $150. THIS guy is the real deal. And he looked at me and said, "This is amazing." Cringe. I don't know what to do with that. This is someone who DOES know the difference. It doesn't make sense to me.

 

[Asa]

The reason someone is interrupting matters to me.
-- Some people think they're superior, want more attention, or want to be prioritized. They think what they want to say is most important. In those cases, interrupting helps them gain leverage. They're rude.
-- Some people need to interrupt to be heard at all because they're being excluded -- this often happens to the minority in the room. In those cases, the other people talking are rude for excluding people.
-- People with ADHD, especially Hyper-Impulsive ADHDers, often interrupt or talk over others. It's a common trait, and people with this trait don't mean anything malicious by it. In casual conversations or creative "skull sessions" where ideas pop into people's heads, there is no reason that ADHDers who have this trait should be forced to always play by neurotypical rules. Of course, during serious work discussions, it is rude to interrupt the speaker.

The guy who purposely derailed your Zoom conversations needed to leave the group on those days. It's fine to excuse yourself from a conversation on a topic that makes you feel uncomfortable, but it is not fine to redirect a planned discussion, especially if you're not the host.

Recently, I heard the art of conversation compared to playing a game with a ball. Everyone has a turn with the ball and don't hold the ball too long.

 

[SlowUpTake]

 

[meowzician]

-- Some people need to interrupt to be heard at all because they're being excluded -- this often happens to the minority in the room. In those cases, the other people talking are rude for excluding people.

Yeppers. This is a strong pet peeve of my bestie (who is almost certainly ESFJ). She keeps exceptionally good track of who has spoken and who has not had a turn, and she will make sure that everyone is included. "Susan, we haven't heard from you yet. Do you have any thoughts you would like to share?" Seeing her at work has helped make me more conscious of the importance of this. She also keeps track of who forgets to say thank you. LOL

The guy who purposely derailed your Zoom conversations needed to leave the group on those days. It's fine to excuse yourself from a conversation on a topic that makes you feel uncomfortable, but it is not fine to redirect a planned discussion, especially if you're not the host.

Absolutamente! He didn't appreciate being reined in, and left the group completely. I know it sounds harsh, but good riddance. I realize the harm caused by rudeness is very slight, but it's still harm. It subtly dismisses the worth and dignity of others. That just doesn't fly with me.

The whole POINT of politeness is to be thoughtful of others, to value their feelings and to recognize and respect their intrinsic worth. It is a source of grief to me to see how basic politeness has, little by little, gone from being necessary and expected to forgotten. It hurts me to see the prevalence of little unkindnesses, as if this is normal and okay and the only thing one can expect. I want to barf when people imply that saying please or simply smiling at the cashier even though you are in a bad mood are somehow stupid rules that make you fake. Thoughtlessness does not make a person more authentic. It just makes them a jerk.

Recently, I heard the art of conversation compared to playing a game with a ball. Everyone has a turn with the ball and don't hold the ball too long.

There ya go!

 

[Asa]

Thoughtlessness does not make a person more authentic. It just makes them a jerk.

I couldn't agree more.

Yeppers. This is a strong pet peeve of my bestie (who is almost certainly ESFJ). She keeps exceptionally good track of who has spoken and who has not had a turn, and she will make sure that everyone is included. "Susan, we haven't heard from you yet. Do you have any thoughts you would like to share?" Seeing her at work has helped make me more conscious of the importance of this. She also keeps track of who forgets to say thank you. LOL

She sounds so considerate.

 

[Erik Alberto]

So what is your second biggest pet peeve.

Probably unsolicited advice, followed by persistent attempts to persuade me of something when it’s clear I’m not buying.

Isn't it nice that in text no one can interrupt? LOL

 

[Erik Alberto]

The reason someone is interrupting matters to me.

Me too.

Some people need to interrupt to be heard at all because they're being excluded -- this often happens to the minority in the room.

For sure.

People with ADHD, especially Hyper-Impulsive ADHDers, often interrupt or talk over others. It's a common trait, and people with this trait don't mean anything malicious by it.

As a dad to young kids, that point also brings to mind that in young kids it is developmentally appropriate to interrupt.

I think someone who feels triggered by being interrupted is having a valid experience with valid accompanying feelings, but that is an experience and those are feelings that they are 100% responsible for. It is essentially my problem that being interrupted is a pet peeve of mine. This is actually much clearer to observe when we are talking about the tendency to interrupt conversation in small children and people with ADHD.

I’m allowed to feel whatever feelings I have—that is completely valid, but I always try to keep my actions in check. I want to treat others as I want to be treated, even when I’m annoyed. The two things do not be in alignment. They can be opposite and be so nessesarily. I want my kids to experience me as patient, even when I feel justifiably impatient with constantly being interrupted.

Another thing that comes to mind when the topic of pet peeves came up and reflecting on my own, was that it’s interesting how it lends itself very naturally as a segway in the topic of our shadow and even projection.

Honestly—and ironically—despite having interruption as a pet peeve, for a couple different reasons I actually really do struggle with letting others finish the entirety of their thoughts, when we are talking about something that is important to me or is crucial to work out. One of the big reasons for this is that because of how my CPTSD affects me cognitively, it’s hard for me to track the things I want to say when new ideas are being introduced consecutively. Also, I am tuned into relational dynamics and can be easily overwhelmed by them, which compromises recall significantly. Access to the higher functions of the cerebral cortex, like memory, gets deprioritized in favor of the functions of the more primitive brain when your in fight-or-flight.

The mechanics of that weren’t clear to me for most of my life though, so basically this had to remain in shadow for me for a long time, I think.

Also, interrupting was a learned survival behavior for me in my childhood home. Not only was it modeled, but if I didn't interrupt my mother, I would be completely run over by her. So I grew up having a complicated relationship with it. As a child, I couldn’t necessarily handle that what I hated in my mother was exactly what I was doing, so it went into shadow.

I’ve worked on it though over many years and have integrated that internal urge that can come up for me so I am at least less hypocritical in my pet peeve

 

[Asa]

Also, interrupting was a learned survival behavior for me in my childhood home. Not only was it modeled, but if I didn't interrupt my mother, I would be completely run over by her. So I grew having a complicated relationship with it. As a child, I couldn’t necessarily handle that what I hated in my mother was exactly what I was doing, so it went into shadow.

And there it is.

If I know someone's parents well (including myself in this case) I can see them repeating their parents' behaviors, especially at mid-life and including behaviors they disliked about their parents. It's weird.