INFJs and attachment

[randomsomeone]

hey randomsomeone - we have the same post count

Really?!?! Wow.....good catch!!!!!!!

 

[Simon]

I get attached to impersonal things easily and strongly - my room, my house, my office, my pen, etc.

I get this feeling all the time. I have a hard time clearing out my room sometimes, because everything in there holds some kind of memories, or emotion, which I don't want to forget. I actually have a few shoeboxes in my cupboard, filled up with all the little things that I could never throw away. I think most people would consider it all to be trash, but to me, well, it signifies a rather large part of my life. I also still have all my stuffed animals from when I was a kid, although I probably still am a kid, anyway, I can't possibly throw them out. They all have names, and personalities, and everything. Maybe that makes me sound incredibly crazy, or hopefully, some of you can relate.

I have a very difficult time around people. What usually happens is that I meet somebody new, get very easily attatched to them, and then I learn more about them, and the more I learn, the more I realise they are just the same as everybody else, and then I'm left feeling lonely and rejected, beause I've actually rejected them. I don't have much (if any) experience in long-term relationships, but from the brief high-school relationships I had, I always seemed to like the other person far more than they liked me, and it was always so difficult. I felt like I couldn't tell them how they really make me feel, for fear of scaring them away.

 

[Simon]

I get attached to people, plans, and familarity. Interestingly enough though, with people I only become attached to them if is in a romantic sense. Friendship I never have the issue. I only have a few friends whom I would be hurt if they were mad at me and or vanished for some reason. In a romantic sense, I just become hooked. It is mostly because I think too much. I feel like I am not doing things fast enough, or I am going to slow, or I am going to push the person away with the tinest thing. Because I do this, it makes me think about them and focus on them a lot, and a such I become heavily attached. I also long for them to become attached to me in the same way, and I can never see if they do, so it just amplifies it.

With plans and familarity, it more comes down to I hate having the boat rocked. I become attached to what I know because I dont want to loose any kind of certainty.

It all comes down to Fe in both cases.

I feel this as well. It's not friendships that I get attached to, rather people in a romantic sense, even if I don't really know them.

 

[SpaceCowgirl]

I only ever feel attached to someone after I know them reasonably well, so that's good. I get way to attached though. I don't let this carry through to my interactions with the person any farther than being especially nice and making a special effort to converse with them. My regular level of effort toward these things is so low that I never come of as creepy, just social. The only problem I have with this is when it does work out I end up with someone who only knows the social side of me and they don't like when I become quiet and withdrawn. It's like saying "LOL just kidding! I'm actually introverted ".

Even though I manage to come off as normal I really am super obsessive. I let myself feel everything, fantasize, dream; as long as I'm alone and none of my friends develop mind reading powers its cool, I just switch to non-crazy mode when I go out. This is the best solution I've ever come to short of actually not getting attached. I'm to attached to the feeling of attachment itself honestly. Feels good man.

 

[Sam]

I noticed in the past that I can be quite oblivious in some ways - for example, if I'm good friends with someone, and me considering them friends takes time and effort and a special kind of bond, I'm basically their friend for life, on my part. It just doesn't happen easily and the thing I noticed is that I don't recognize when that changes, until I do in the smallest details of our interaction - and then I too have to distance myself and analyse the situation, and it's quite sad when it happens.

I usually try and stretch our relationship and try out ways to see what it is so that I can see it from all angles and form a conclusion.

I hate when people you used to be so close to are now just acquintances or just 'buddies'. I mean not a big deal in the sense I'm good at getting over people if I have to but I have annoyingly anal boundaries sometimes - in/out - because I need conclusions and resolutions, always.

I just don't notice people changing, the time going by, until it hits me that it's changed. Ofc I can be quite straight-forward as well and confront them about it and say I still would like to be their friend/etc and if they agree, then I know, I hate all kind of vague hovering any-kind-of relationship 'state' uncertainties: it just helps me arrange my mental, interpersonal affairs structure if I know where it's at.

Attachment is probably a good word, but it's more about lines and boundaries I've drawn, it helps me to sort out the interpersonal relationships in my head in a structured, fitting way.

 

[flowerz]

Attachment styles

Hi. I don't know if you've read much on attachment styles and attachment types. Here is some info: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/relationship-issues/attachment-styles.html

I am the anxious/preoccupied (insecure) type. I don't think this type is necessarily more common among INFJs (maybe?), but it has caused me a lot of problems. I get needy, overreact, come off as "too intense" and scare away guys usually at the 1-month mark. I get attached quickly and this attachment is just too intense for the guy.

I really want to improve, and I tell myself I will do better in every new relationship but I never change... I tell myself I will be more careful, but then in the moment I lose all logic, patience, and perspective. I just get overcome with the romantic notions and wanting to be with the person or have their reassurance, approval, adoration, etc. I am super sensitive to every thing they say and do. The slightest perceived blow-off can ruin my whole night/day. Often I will complain to the guy, thinking I am standing up for myself, and sometimes it IS necessary to talk things out to avoid a miscommunication or clarify expectations, but I don't go about it right. I start crying or send 3-4 texts in a row saying how upset I am, I need to talk to them NOW, etc., and next thing you know I am being dumped. I don't blame them. The guy feels he will never be able to make me happy. I also come across as selfish.

I am very frustrated with myself.

Has anyone ever been able to overcome this?

 

[Julia]

I have a strong attachment/detachment dichotomy. I tend to have rather strong empathy, but also feel like I view the world through glass. I also have a hard time attaching in some relationships, but can also get deeply attached to people.

An example from work includes my interaction with a woman who has a mental illness. She frightens some of my externally tougher co-workers, but I can sense her from the inside. She can't sleep at night, cries in the mornings and yells at people all afternoon. I can sense the trap she is in, so when she yells at me my reaction is calm because to me it is like seeing someone vomit. My reaction is not to also vomit, but to help. My reaction snaps her out of the cycle and calms her down. I have a kind of detachment that allows me to not get caught up in her external emotions, but enough empathy to feel her anxiety on a deeper level. I spend most of my work-time calming people down for various reasons, and have found as a result that I have been struggling with anxiety afterward. Even in my own anxiety a part of me observes it from afar.

In relationships with family I am struggling to reattach, but because of recent events in my life it has been difficult. My love for them is unchanged, but when I talk on the phone and when they start on certain topics, it is like a switch flips and I feel sleepy and unresponsive. I want them to know I care, but feel like the connection is somehow hindered.

 

[Julia]

I am very frustrated with myself.

Has anyone ever been able to overcome this?

It's a horrible feeling to fall into a negative rut like that. I have one trigger for intense upset and that is physical rejection. One overall principle I know is that if something is to be taken away, there needs to be something to replace it. It is like when a child is running with a dangerous object, to rip it out of their hands is traumatic, but to replace it with something better is reassuring. I don't think a person can just stop a negative coping feeling without replacing it with something else. The question is how to find something constructive to replace it with. It might be that you need more social relationships that you can rely on, so that if you don't hear from a romantic interest, you have a friend you can go and do something with as a distraction. I don't think a person can just sit at home by the computer or phone and choose to stop feeling. There needs to be a way to clearly distract yourself so that you don't feel like the one waiting and rejected.

Also if a negative reaction does not fit the current situation, it implies that there is a past, unresolved situation where that feeling originated and it is being imposed on the present as a means to try to finally resolve it. Understanding the source of our miscalibrated emotions can help to reason through them, but I still think a specific and planned distraction that places you physically away from phone and computer when feeling that way could be helpful.

 

[Betteralone]

I get attached to people, plans, and familarity. Interestingly enough though, with people I only become attached to them if is in a romantic sense. Friendship I never have the issue. I only have a few friends whom I would be hurt if they were mad at me and or vanished for some reason. In a romantic sense, I just become hooked. It is mostly because I think too much. I feel like I am not doing things fast enough, or I am going to slow, or I am going to push the person away with the tinest thing. Because I do this, it makes me think about them and focus on them a lot, and a such I become heavily attached. I also long for them to become attached to me in the same way, and I can never see if they do, so it just amplifies it.

With plans and familarity, it more comes down to I hate having the boat rocked. I become attached to what I know because I dont want to loose any kind of certainty.
It all comes down to Fe in both cases.

I am almost the exact same way. Shall we ponder another avenue? Do you think this attachment issue is strictly based on our INFJness? Or is there a connection to our nurturing as we grew up? Or is the INFJ a result of our upbringing? Curious to know what your parents were like and how they treated/raised you.

 

[flowerz]

upbringing

I think some INFJ traits make my attachment issues worse: internalizing, analyzing, romanticizing, perfectionism, being way too damn sensitive and perceptive for my own good, etc. But primarily my attachment issues are due to my parents and my upbringing.

My parents love me, but I didn't get the 1 on 1 attention and "mirroring" or encouragement of my uniqueness that I really needed. My parents never really "got" me and still don't get me. My dad had a temper and would spank me a lot, unnecessarily, which would make me extremely upset and just prone to acting out more. I always wished my mom would come comfort me but she usually didn't. I have 2 brothers but they were usually off doing their own thing. I felt very alone and sad as a child. Still do.

I needed my parents to be a lot more nurturing, physically affectionate, and verbally supportive than they were. I ended up getting lost in my own head space a lot (or lost in TV/movies/music) and it was not always a nice place to be.

 

[Gaze]

I think some INFJ traits make my attachment issues worse: internalizing, analyzing, romanticizing, perfectionism, being way too damn sensitive and perceptive for my own good, etc. But primarily my attachment issues are due to my parents and my upbringing.

My parents love me, but I didn't get the 1 on 1 attention and "mirroring" or encouragement of my uniqueness that I really needed. My parents never really "got" me and still don't get me. My dad had a temper and would spank me a lot, unnecessarily, which would make me extremely upset and just prone to acting out more. I always wished my mom would come comfort me but she usually didn't. I have 2 brothers but they were usually off doing their own thing. I felt very alone and sad as a child. Still do.

I needed my parents to be a lot more nurturing, physically affectionate, and verbally supportive than they were. I ended up getting lost in my own head space a lot (or lost in TV/movies/music) and it was not always a nice place to be.

Very similar backgrounds.

 

[rbecca23]

Attachment issues typically derive from inside of the individual. Becoming easily attached is a sign of needing assurance, commitment, and a self-esteem boost. There is nothing wrong with forming attachments, but I believe that they cause more strain than gain. And that forming an attachment is more like using a crutch than walking on your own two feet.

Imagine the person you want to become and the traits you want to emulate, and think about whether or not you have reached that goal. Consider what changes you could make to complete *yourself*

Avoiding becoming so easily attached would entail taking a boy sabbatical. Allow yourself to process yourself. Learn to depend and rely on you, and as you fill your own cup, you will be able to refrain from forming too strong attachments, and being with men who *let* you form those attachments.

I recommend this book, "Adult Children: the secret of dysfunctional families" by John C. and Linda D. Freil. Whether you have a dysfunctional family or not, there is a lot of insight about individuals and the attachments they form.

 

[Rogue]

The best thing to do is take a deep breath, and live each day. There are many fish in the sea so don't fight it. It is not healthy to throw yourself up all over someone. No one likes that. In a long term relationship you wont be doing this, so why do it ALL in the beginning? I like the feeling of opening up to someone and sharing everything that crosses my mind, and I like for them to do the same....However; that is not healthy...and it can really run a lot of people(good people) off. You give a little...then enjoy your time, and then they give a little and you enjoy the time...ect. It is fun to have a wild forest fire, but it ends just as fast as it starts...work up to the deep fire...then as the years go by you can keep adding a log to the fire Healthy attachments come when you learn to control youthful urges. Live the feelings you want to have, live the actions/reactions you want to have...fake it until you make it, and create a new habit for yourself. I don't know if this will work for you, but it changed my life.

I have issues with attachment. I sometimes get very attached to people quickly (usually boys). Does anyone else have this issue? What do you do?

I want to still be genuine and not play games, but I also don't want to scare people away.

 

[flowerz]

Thanks for the tips rbecca23 and Rogue...

My issue is that I have been processing myself for over 30 yrs. I have seen various therapists, read countless self-help books, am involved with various hobbies, traveled to over 20 countries (many of them solo), tried living in 2 different major cities, have a good relationship with my family as an adult (as good as it's going to get), etc. And still I feel unhappy and incomplete.

I think the step for me now is to just accept the fact that I will always feel incomplete to some degree, possibly until the day I die. It is just the way I am. If I embrace this I will no longer expect any partner to complete me, and maybe I will feel happier overall. But I really feel I cannot complete myself. Maybe I am perceiving completeness in a different way from most people...

But I still need to learn better self-control, patience, better habits, etc.

 

[myst]

Thanks for the tips rbecca23 and Rogue...

My issue is that I have been processing myself for over 30 yrs. I have seen various therapists, read countless self-help books, am involved with various hobbies, traveled to over 20 countries (many of them solo), tried living in 2 different major cities, have a good relationship with my family as an adult (as good as it's going to get), etc. And still I feel unhappy and incomplete.

I think the step for me now is to just accept the fact that I will always feel incomplete to some degree, possibly until the day I die. It is just the way I am. If I embrace this I will no longer expect any partner to complete me, and maybe I will feel happier overall. But I really feel I cannot complete myself. Maybe I am perceiving completeness in a different way from most people...

But I still need to learn better self-control, patience, better habits, etc.

I'm pretty similar, flowerz. This morning I was thinking about how negative life events and stigmas are shown to affect people's self-esteem. It seems like self-esteem and feeling complete might not be entirely controllable. If you think: it's just self-esteem, it's just in your mind, it seems as if it should be controllable by you. But, when you read studies about how it's affected by real life events/upbringing/social stigma/biology/etc., it seems like it's not entirely controllable by you.

 

[Trifoilum]

as far as attachment goes, I'm somewhat hard to attach, but hard to let go once I did.

@flowerz:

My issue is that I have been processing myself for over 30 yrs. I have seen various therapists, read countless self-help books, am involved with various hobbies, traveled to over 20 countries (many of them solo), tried living in 2 different major cities, have a good relationship with my family as an adult (as good as it's going to get), etc. And still I feel unhappy and incomplete.

I think the step for me now is to just accept the fact that I will always feel incomplete to some degree, possibly until the day I die. It is just the way I am. If I embrace this I will no longer expect any partner to complete me, and maybe I will feel happier overall. But I really feel I cannot complete myself. Maybe I am perceiving completeness in a different way from most people...

But I still need to learn better self-control, patience, better habits, etc.

Awww I think I understand what you may have felt; we always try to improve and learn and find..that something. Believing that someday, sometime, we'll meet someone, do something, faced with something, and ALL WILL BE COMPLETE.

The journey's the goal, you'll grow before you know it it's probably far from being complete, but soon.....

 

[rbecca23]

Thanks for the tips rbecca23 and Rogue...

My issue is that I have been processing myself for over 30 yrs. I have seen various therapists, read countless self-help books, am involved with various hobbies, traveled to over 20 countries (many of them solo), tried living in 2 different major cities, have a good relationship with my family as an adult (as good as it's going to get), etc. And still I feel unhappy and incomplete.

I think the step for me now is to just accept the fact that I will always feel incomplete to some degree, possibly until the day I die. It is just the way I am. If I embrace this I will no longer expect any partner to complete me, and maybe I will feel happier overall. But I really feel I cannot complete myself. Maybe I am perceiving completeness in a different way from most people...

But I still need to learn better self-control, patience, better habits, etc.

What are you trying to understand and process about yourself that has not yet surfaced in your conscious thought-process? It seems like you have been on a heck of a journey to discover who you are. What if you had never travelled? What if you had been in the same place for the past 15 years? Do you think you would feel any less complete than you do now?

 

[Betteralone]

I'm pretty similar, flowerz. This morning I was thinking about how negative life events and stigmas are shown to affect people's self-esteem. It seems like self-esteem and feeling complete might not be entirely controllable. If you think: it's just self-esteem, it's just in your mind, it seems as if it should be controllable by you. But, when you read studies about how it's affected by real life events/upbringing/social stigma/biology/etc., it seems like it's not entirely controllable by you.

I can totally relate to flowerz and myst - sounds like we were brought up in the same house and have turned out exactly the same! At least we know we are not alone and there is at least 2 others that understand us.

 

[flowerz]

I understand myself pretty well, I think... I just don't feel that sense of completeness that other people talk about, especially with regard to relationships. Someone recently told me that they if they never find love or get married it won't bother them. They can still have a happy and fulfilling life. But not me. That scenario sounds really awful to me.

I am trying to view my incompleteness positively now though. Picture a glass that is completely full of water: the water symbolizes love, or knowledge, etc. If someone else wanted to contribute to my glass and I was already full/complete there would be nowhere for their contribution to go. I would rather have some extra room, so that I am receptive, and I want to maintain that state throughout my entire life no matter if I find love or not. So I no longer expect a significant other to complete me or to fill my glass, but still, if I go through the rest of my life without a significant other wanting to at least contribute to my glass *and have me contribute to his* I will be very sad.

I hope that makes sense...

 

[flowerz]

I also want to say that I have a hard time with breakups... and when I posted my first post in this thread a couple days ago I was very fresh off a breakup (just happened last week). I was really blaming myself, blaming the breakup on my attachment style, emotionality, intensity, etc. But now I'm blaming him... ha! Seriously, though, I think he used me to get over his ex or make her jealous, and then he used my sensitivity, intensity, etc. as an excuse to break up with me. Grrrr.... I hate him.