INFJs and attachment

[Passive-controller]

I become attached and co-dependant, I tend to attach much more quickly to men. Romantically and platonically. I often hurt woman unintentionally with sarcasm and being over critical of their "feelings". So when and if i do become friends with a woman It takes allot of time and tip-toe trust. With a man its almost effortless

 

[myst]

I can totally relate to flowerz and myst - sounds like we were brought up in the same house and have turned out exactly the same! At least we know we are not alone and there is at least 2 others that understand us.

Thanks Betteralone. Cool name

 

[myst]

I understand myself pretty well, I think... I just don't feel that sense of completeness that other people talk about, especially with regard to relationships. Someone recently told me that they if they never find love or get married it won't bother them. They can still have a happy and fulfilling life. But not me. That scenario sounds really awful to me.

I am trying to view my incompleteness positively now though. Picture a glass that is completely full of water: the water symbolizes love, or knowledge, etc. If someone else wanted to contribute to my glass and I was already full/complete there would be nowhere for their contribution to go. I would rather have some extra room, so that I am receptive, and I want to maintain that state throughout my entire life no matter if I find love or not. So I no longer expect a significant other to complete me or to fill my glass, but still, if I go through the rest of my life without a significant other wanting to at least contribute to my glass *and have me contribute to his* I will be very sad.

I hope that makes sense...

That is a nice way to say it flowerz. I'm sure you will find a significant other if it's what you want.

 

[Gaze]

If someone else wanted to contribute to my glass and I was already full/complete there would be nowhere for their contribution to go. I would rather have some extra room, so that I am receptive, and I want to maintain that state throughout my entire life no matter if I find love or not. So I no longer expect a significant other to complete me or to fill my glass, but still, if I go through the rest of my life without a significant other wanting to at least contribute to my glass *and have me contribute to his* I will be very sad.

I hope that makes sense...

Quite agree. Great metaphor. This makes more sense that saying someone should be completely whole and independent to be with someone. If I am complete,, self fullfilling, self sustaining, and don't need anyone, then the purpose of being in a relationship loses it meaning, at least for me. As flowerz says, it's not about wanting the person to complete you, but you need to make space for them. It doesn't make sense if there's no room for them to complement you in some way.

 

[Gaze]

Having an unwanted attachment is like having an unquenchable craving for something, and not having that craving go away. You want to be free of it, but it feels as if it's connected to you and you have no control over it.

So, my question is how not to get too easily attached. What if you've done the work, thought about the reasons why you get easily attached, tried to consider the cons of getting attachment, and worked out any major co-dependent tendencies you may have, but yet you still get easily attached anyway, then what next? And if suppressing feelings doesn't help, or trying to use logical thinking to talk your way out of feeling attached doesn't work either, then what? When you know your attachment is irrational or illogical, and you know there is no real compatibility or connection beyond the feeling of attachment, how do you let it go without feeling that you've denied yourself something which feels intrinsic to your being?

Because telling myself "no, i shouldn't feel this way" doesn't seem to be working.

 

[dark_angel]

I agree to the reference of it being a craving. I have wondered about this myself. I have not acted on the craving but let the craving peak and then eventually fade away which is extremely difficult to do but I have to ask the question what if.

My intuition tells me either it is unhealthy for me / them or the fall out won

 

[Gaze]

I agree to the reference of it being a craving. I have wondered about this myself. I have not acted on the craving but let the craving peak and then eventually fade away which is extremely difficult to do but I have to ask the question what if.

My intuition tells me either it is unhealthy for me / them or the fall out won’t be healthy or worth it but then there is that what if the experience of is all that you were suppose to get, even if in the long run it is unhealthy etc but that moment of experience could change your path for the better or theirs even if there is some form of damage.

To this day I still don’t give in. I think giving in for me would mean the momentary pleasure is selfish but there is always that what if. What if I grow in leaps and bounds or they do? What if our intuition is of the sort that tells you listen dear it’s going to be shitty but the ride is an experience you need. Some part of me says you need to stay centered to your being to be able to bounce back, as well as the other person, to have the least damage but how does one know.

Soooo true.

I can only speak for myself when I say that I sometimes think that I experience emotions more intensely than most and wonder if that simple fact is not the problem, what I am experiencing as a strong craving might be experienced as a slight pull for someone else so then am I overreacting to my emotions?

This^^^ exactly.

 

[Skathac]

Yeah when I'm attracted to a woman and start getting to know her better, if its a match its like something just turns the passion generator to ON. Feel myself getting attached really quickly and that nasty ole clinginess starts rearing its ugly head. Sucks too because the last thing you want to do is send em running for the hills. Somebody needs to sell these damn things with warning labels and intensity levels.

 

[yepunsarang]

Funny I can usually tell whether someone is worth the time or not. Those who I just know have only the potential to be "acquaintances" will only be let in to a certain extent. I'll share just the outer, sweet side of me. But those I click with or see potential with, I pursue or gradually let in. Now those people, I get VERY attached to...sometimes (in a different way) equally to family.

Now when I get into romantic relationships, it's the same business. I need to be with someone who understands and appreciates me for being the oddball INFJ I am and vice versa. That makes for some intense, meaningful connections that are hard to take lightly

 

[yepunsarang]

Soooo true.



This^^^ exactly.

This is something my intuition as told me is something that will hinder me. Although I fear hurting myself more than many things, preventing myself from experience, learning, and growing is even more. So i've intentionally waited for someone who could potentially be a good "candidate" and pushed myself to be gradually more open. Otherwise, I know I'd be stunting myself and holding an achilles heel.

I guess doing this isn't easy for most people. For some, loving is something you cannot control at all. Perhaps it works with me since liking someone takes a lot. I first have to love who they are.

 

[Gaze]

this attachment thing is a tricky thing because it affects you personally even if it doesn't affect the other person you feel the attachment towards. It can feel like you're suffering in silence. And it usually takes a while for the feelings to dissipate.

 

[jyrffw54]

I definitely have a tendency to get attached to people. My close friends have politely informed me of my clinginess, but I can't seem to reign it in completely. I had no idea that it had anything to do with my personality, but it makes sense because I enjoy being honest and open with my feelings, especially with people who "get me" if a person can't handle all the agape I have to offer them, then that's their issue.

 

[Nevermore]

I really wonder if it's a specific Fe thing. I also have the attachment curse. Except in my case it's rare only because I allow so few people in. But once I do...I'm sunk. For me it's an all or nothing scenario. I can't have just light friendships, you are either an acquaintance or you are joined to my hip and I'll expect a lot of you. Needless to say these situations usually end up in major disappointment. Hence my habit now of simply not getting to know people beyond acquaintance level.

 

[Wyst]

Attachment much? Yes, I think so.


The attachment, however, is a mainly emotional attachment and I won't often express how much someone means to me.

People around me might be surprised to find out how much I lean on them emotionally.

"But you never said anything!" is probably what they'd say if they knew.

 

[~jet]

I have issues with attachment. I sometimes get very attached to people quickly (usually boys). Does anyone else have this issue? What do you do?

I want to still be genuine and not play games, but I also don't want to scare people away.

Urgh, welcome to INFJdom. I am the same way, but being a guy, it's got to me that much more scary for the recipient of my attentions. I think we're just designed to focus on the few rather than the many, and for those few we have everything (and that's a lot) to give.

 

[Saru Inc]

I definitely have a tendency to get attached to people. My close friends have politely informed me of my clinginess, but I can't seem to reign it in completely. I had no idea that it had anything to do with my personality, but it makes sense because I enjoy being honest and open with my feelings, especially with people who "get me" if a person can't handle all the agape I have to offer them, then that's their issue.

YUP, I still love you though. (I know her irl, lol.)



Yea, I definitely get attached, but I don't let it show. So I may act like its no problem you're leaving, but inside I'm dying

 

[Nixie]

Attachment? What's that???
Yet another reason I am not an INFJ but an INTJ,
Interesting though. I can't imagine being so attached to someone very easily. It takes a long time for me to feel close to someone.