INFJs and communication with SOs

[Altruistic Muse]

I forever seem to be winding up in long distance relationships, so this is always relevant to me. But here are some questions:

How often do you wish to talk to/see your SO?

If you are feeling low or busy, or stressed, would this make you want to talk to them more, or less?

Is the frequency with which you want to talk to them, one of the indications of the amount you care for them?

If your SO doesn't seem to talk to you as much as you would like, do you take this to mean that they don't care about you that much? Is it difficult to fathom that someone can love you, but not want to talk to you all the time?

 

[Sriracha]

Before marriage, when I had long distance relationships ... quality time communication was more important than quantity time communication. We would talk about 2 to 3 times a week (that was before cell phones and you actually PAID for long distance calling). Only when feeling stressed do I want to talk to anyone, b/c normally I am seeking advice (low or busy, I'm in my own little world.)

As far as your last question, you both need to be able to express your needs in this area and meet somewhere in the middle. Both of you will have to sacrifice a little to make the other happy ... as relationships take work (and when you love them enough, this is not a problem.) Don't be selfish.

 

[grt$5vb]

I am adaptive to my partner, so it has differed with each. I tend to put myself in their shoes, empathize with their situation, and compromise with how much time their schedule/responsibilities allow for. (Which is not to say that I won't secretly harbor a desire for more, or less of their time.) I prefer to hear from them in some form daily, even if only a poke, but I can wait 3 days. After that I feel disconnected, and anxious. I will assume it's over, and start detaching rapidly if more than a week goes by with no communication, I'd say. I wish I was more patient, but I'm not. I fear abandonment, so I prepare to leave first.

If I am feeling busy or stressed I love to hear from them, but not to say much myself. I don't like to bog them down with my negativity, though I will open up if they are persistent, and/or wait me out.

If I really care about someone, and they give as much as they get, I will give them as much time as they want. I will find a way to fit them in. If I have a busy week, I will keep an entire weekend day open just for them. I want them to feel how important they are to me. I want to nourish the connection.

I am a curious person, and very interested in folks I admire & respect. I ask a lot of questions. I guess if I don't receive any questions in return I will assume they have lost interest, and it will make me sad. I need someone to share ideas with, and prefer they bring new & interesting information to the table. I was bored stiff in my marriage, because he didn't read, and we never had anything of interest to talk about. I get bored easily. My mind is like a sponge, and will seek new information elsewhere. I also love details. I want to know what they think and feel about everything under the sun.

Sounds exhausting, right? I am high energy in my areas of passion. When correctly stimulated I can stay up hours past exhaustion, and will give someone my undivided attention. I don't require excessive amounts of attention, but I do love it when I can get it. I guess the main unrealistic requirement I harbor is wishing for consistency. If there is a flood of time, and attention in the beginning, and then a sharp decline, I take it personally, and feel very hurt. That's on me, though, and I need to get over it.

 

[894tt3h9]

I am adaptive to my partner, so it has differed with each. I tend to put myself in their shoes, empathize with their situation, and compromise with how much time their schedule/responsibilities allow for. (Which is not to say that I won't secretly harbor a desire for more, or less of their time.) I prefer to hear from them in some form daily, even if only a poke, but I can wait 3 days. After that I feel disconnected, and anxious. I will assume it's over, and start detaching rapidly if more than a week goes by with no communication, I'd say. I wish I was more patient, but I'm not. I fear abandonment, so I prepare to leave first.

If I am feeling busy or stressed I love to hear from them, but not to say much myself. I don't like to bog them down with my negativity, though I will open up if they are persistent, and/or wait me out.

If I really care about someone, and they give as much as they get, I will give them as much time as they want. I will find a way to fit them in. If I have a busy week, I will keep an entire weekend day open just for them. I want them to feel how important they are to me. I want to nourish the connection.

I am a curious person, and very interested in folks I admire & respect. I ask a lot of questions. I guess if I don't receive any questions in return I will assume they have lost interest, and it will make me sad. I need someone to share ideas with, and prefer they bring new & interesting information to the table. I was bored stiff in my marriage, because he didn't read, and we never had anything of interest to talk about. I get bored easily. My mind is like a sponge, and will seek new information elsewhere. I also love details. I want to know what they think and feel about everything under the sun.

Sounds exhausting, right? I am high energy in my areas of passion. When correctly stimulated I can stay up hours past exhaustion, and will give someone my undivided attention. I don't require excessive amounts of attention, but I do love it when I can get it. I guess the main unrealistic requirement I harbor is wishing for consistency. If there is a flood of time, and attention in the beginning, and then a sharp decline, I take it personally, and feel very hurt. That's on me, though, and I need to get over it.

This is me almost exactly. My last relationship and most of my other "relationship type" situations have been long distance. I am pretty masterful at it because I very easily adapt to the other person's needs. I have a tendency to make very few (I would even say zero) demands even if I want to or feel like I need more. I hate hate hate it when other people talk to me or do things I want out of a feeling of obligation. I would rather things flow naturally instead of imposing what I want on them. I can't decide whether that works for or against me though haha.

 

[Billy]

I like to spend a much of my free time with my SO as I can. If she has something to do, thats fine I go find something else to do too, but when I sam dating I usually reserve 80-90% of my time for her (free time I mean) And I try to take an active interest in the things she likes so we can do them together as well as find new things to do together. My SO is usually my best friend and consort through life and the person I spend almost 99% of my time thinking about.

When life has me stressed out and miserable, the one place I want to be is laying between her breasts while she plays with my hair recharging my batteries, in a sense safe from the world that is crushing me down, she is my emotional house where i come to recharge, and after i am charged I go back out into the world to conquer for both of us. There is little I do for myself typically... especially when I am serious with someone, everything I do is for "us".

As for talking, its typically me who is the one who wants to talk the least, unless something needs talking about, just being close by and feeling her presence is usually good enough for me, typically i have to remind myself to be more vocal because i can go forever without saying a single word, and that might put some people off... so i tend to compensate by making my actions speak louder. Or if she asks me to be more vocal I will.

 

[894tt3h9]

I like to spend a much of my free time with my SO as I can. If she has something to do, thats fine I go find something else to do too, but when I sam dating I usually reserve 80-90% of my time for her (free time I mean) And I try to take an active interest in the things she likes so we can do them together as well as find new things to do together. My SO is usually my best friend and consort through life and the person I spend almost 99% of my time thinking about.

When life has me stressed out and miserable, the one place I want to be is laying between her breasts while she plays with my hair recharging my batteries, in a sense safe from the world that is crushing me down, she is my emotional house where i come to recharge, and after i am charged I go back out into the world to conquer for both of us. There is little I do for myself typically... especially when I am serious with someone, everything I do is for "us".

As for talking, its typically me who is the one who wants to talk the least, unless something needs talking about, just being close by and feeling her presence is usually good enough for me, typically i have to remind myself to be more vocal because i can go forever without saying a single word, and that might put some people off... so i tend to compensate by making my actions speak louder. Or if she asks me to be more vocal I will.

I am very much the same in terms of what you say about not talking. I can go endless stretches of time without a word and I think this sometimes makes others uncomfortable. I'm fine with just kind of basking in their presence and enjoying the company. I don't always like to clutter it up with talk. I don't like to talk just for the sake of talking. I prefer to communicate my affections physically (reaching over to grab their hand, brushing my fingers through their hair, running my hand over their back, etc).

 

[grt$5vb]

This is me almost exactly. My last relationship and most of my other "relationship type" situations have been long distance. I am pretty masterful at it because I very easily adapt to the other person's needs. I have a tendency to make very few (I would even say zero) demands even if I want to or feel like I need more. I hate hate hate it when other people talk to me or do things I want out of a feeling of obligation. I would rather things flow naturally instead of imposing what I want on them. I can't decide whether that works for or against me though haha.

Perfect addendum, and me exactly.

 

[jyrffw54]

I am very much the same in terms of what you say about not talking. I can go endless stretches of time without a word and I think this sometimes makes others uncomfortable. I'm fine with just kind of basking in their presence and enjoying the company. I don't always like to clutter it up with talk. I don't like to talk just for the sake of talking. I prefer to communicate my affections physically (reaching over to grab their hand, brushing my fingers through their hair, running my hand over their back, etc).

^This.

 

[Orion]

If your SO doesn't seem to talk to you as much as you would like, do you take this to mean that they don't care about you that much? Is it difficult to fathom that someone can love you, but not want to talk to you all the time?

Altruistic Muse, how does it make you feel when you feel like they don't want to talk to you? Do you communicate this issue with your partner? Or are you afraid of seeming overbearing, demanding or clingy?

 

[grt$5vb]

I am very much the same in terms of what you say about not talking. I can go endless stretches of time without a word and I think this sometimes makes others uncomfortable. I'm fine with just kind of basking in their presence and enjoying the company. I don't always like to clutter it up with talk. I don't like to talk just for the sake of talking. I prefer to communicate my affections physically (reaching over to grab their hand, brushing my fingers through their hair, running my hand over their back, etc).

Lol, this too, just not possible in a long distance relationship.

Most of what Billy said, as well.

 

[David54]

for me, if I"m in, I'm in all the way. .

but Iknow that I am over the top in that regard, so I dont' expect the oterh person to be as 100% as I am. .
if I am stressed or busy. . I quick call can turn my entire day around, I dont expect it, but I savor it when I get it. . adn let them know how much it means to me. .
If II don't hear from them . . that's a hard one, .I have a tendency to "awfulize". . somehiitn is wrong. . I have to figure it out. . now over time that fades away as I understadn better how they frrl. . but in the intitial stages is is very challenging . . .
If I am low. . I need them even more, but probably wont express the need. .
I am doing the long distance thing right now. . my biggest issue is fighting the tempation to hop the next flight and go see her. . I dotn care if it's for only an hour. . . I'd do it in a heartbeat. . .
bottom line is I want as much of her as I can have. . while at the same time respceting her space and needs as well. ..

 

[Altruistic Muse]

Altruistic Muse, how does it make you feel when you feel like they don't want to talk to you? Do you communicate this issue with your partner? Or are you afraid of seeming overbearing, demanding or clingy?

That's exactly how I feel. I try not to. He's good at compromising in general, but with this I think he doesn't exactly realise he's doing it... or, when he's in focus and stressed mode (this happens when he's at work on the ships, 12 hour days, 7 days a week, sharing a cabin with three other guys; high stress situation) he doesn't care? He's just thinking about getting the job done. I only have this problem with him when he's offshore, which isn't all that often. The rest of the time he's great. So I think I don't want to seem clingy, and also I really don't want to discuss a compromise, and then not have it met.

 

[barbad0s]

I'm a lil obsessive about my INFJ ex and our potential future re-relationship and any more clues as to what makes him tick is great. This thread is a great help to me, thx guys.

Okay maybe not obsessive but I do love him very much and he lives very far away and when we do interact I want to be able to make the best out of it.

 

[Radiantshadow]

How often do you wish to talk to/see your SO?

Space is nice for me; I generally expect both of us to have lives outside of one another, but seeing him/her frequently is important. This can take form in texts, phone calls, handwritten letters (I adore these), Internet, or in-person (personal preference) but it needs to happen. Talking isn't important as much as, as Serenity said, basking in their presence and feeling loved. If I know (s)he values me - people express affection differently, I just want to know it's there - then I am content and an emotion like candlelight warms my existence.

If you are feeling low or busy, or stressed, would this make you want to talk to them more, or less?

It depends on what I'm stressed with. If it's work or school related I talk to them less, with forewarning. If it's an insurmountable emotional problem or crisis of some kind then I usually seek them out (and vice versa, of course). When busy, I tend to either keep them updated on what I'm doing so they know or am silently completing everything then communicate when finished. When I'm sick I withdraw into my cave until my health improves ("sick" can be medical, psychological, etc).

Is the frequency with which you want to talk to them, one of the indications of the amount you care for them?

Not really, I tend to just flow with what comes. If they talk, I will talk too and enjoy it (most likely). If I feel like talking - and know my silence is not misconstrued and doesn't make them uncomfortable - then I'll talk then too. Self-sufficiency is highly regarded by me in myself and others; I don't do leeches. ("Self-sufficiency" doesn't become "get over it/you're on your own", it's a tool to keep clingy behavior and 'I'm around you too much but I can't pull away!' stuff from happening.)

Now, if I don't communicate at all for more than two days something is wrong. Dead silence without warning is an indication of me withdrawing, feeling hurt, and probably reconsidering some things.

I tend to be a quiet, intense force in someone's life and have been called a "guardian angel" several times. However, I haven't been on truly intimate terms with anyone so that is liable to change (all the previous stuff is still in effect, I'll probably just end up talking and seeking them out more).

If your SO doesn't seem to talk to you as much as you would like, do you take this to mean that they don't care about you that much? Is it difficult to fathom that someone can love you, but not want to talk to you all the time?

I do my best to take their perspective into consideration when feeling put-off by this and lightly prod him with simpler questions to get a feel for how he's doing, if that doesn't accomplish anything on my end then I pull one of those "Hey, I need to talk to you" things. For the second question, I don't see love and having a personal life as mutually exclusive. Even with family and such - a milder form of love for a SO, in my eyes - I can only be around them so much before tiring out; I expect the same (but not so tiring, of course) would be true of a companion. With the above in mind, communication is really really important to me. If we aren't on the same page then I do my best to make it so and align things so everyone is comfortable (self included, I am not a martyr).

Edit: After scanning, I realized I meandered a bit. Sorry

 

[Orion]

That's exactly how I feel. I try not to. He's good at compromising in general, but with this I think he doesn't exactly realise he's doing it... or, when he's in focus and stressed mode (this happens when he's at work on the ships, 12 hour days, 7 days a week, sharing a cabin with three other guys; high stress situation) he doesn't care? He's just thinking about getting the job done. I only have this problem with him when he's offshore, which isn't all that often. The rest of the time he's great. So I think I don't want to seem clingy, and also I really don't want to discuss a compromise, and then not have it met.

I think the fear of appearing clingy is massively over emphasised and feared in society today. It's the number one trait you should not be and therefore everyone fears associating with it, so people have a fear of putting demands on the relationship and it all spirals out of control. Perceiving types mostly made up this social phenomena, just look at films like Yes Man and 500 days of summer. There is collective fear from extroverted perceiving types of losing their individuality to shared effort and compromise. This is a common negative projection from Pe types, I'm not saying they are all like that but it is a common complex in them. So given his circumstances of extreme stress, empathy and trust on your part is important, but it's also in your own interest to establish what you want. If you want more quality time and that you feel neglected because of lack of it, then bloody well say so. At least he knows how you feel like that.

For instance, me and my girlfriend are both quality time people. We can spend 99% of our time together and not get annoyed with each other, or feel like we have to be geographically distanced from each other to have our "space". It's funny because, I know my girlfriend doesn't give a shit if that comes off as clingy, that is just how she needs it. She wouldn't put up with the pretence and fear the dreaded condemnation of being labelled clingy because that's a fundamental part of what she wants in a relationship and she also knows that viewing relationships like that is largely an invention of extroverted perceiving types. Her sister is an INFP and she has those sentiments and we don't relate to it and it's always been a point of interest for us to talk about the differences between us as extroverted judger's.

 

[Lerxst]

How often do you wish to talk to/see your SO?

Depends entirely on my mood. Some times I can go months or weeks without thinking twice about it. Other times only a couple hours pass where I find myself wanting to be close to them.

I'm also not much of a conversationalist. Talking to me on the phone is like talking to a brick wall a lot of the time. I usually prefer my phone calls to serve a purpose like, "Honey, pick up some bread on your way home" type of calls rather than the "So, how are you feeling today?" type of calls.

If you are feeling low or busy, or stressed, would this make you want to talk to them more, or less?

After I talk, I feel better about things. Getting me to talk about it though is a different story. Initially I cut myself off from people and try to figure things out on my own. When that fails, is usually when I end up turning to my wife.

Is the frequency with which you want to talk to them, one of the indications of the amount you care for them?

Not by a long shot.

If your SO doesn't seem to talk to you as much as you would like, do you take this to mean that they don't care about you that much?

Context...

One of my first girlfriends was a real pain in this department. I made the mistake of dating her twice, years apart. Each time, the first month or so was full of energy and then she would spend more and more time with her friends. You put the two of us in a group at that point and she would split away from me to talk to her friends and just leave me hanging there. I did take this to mean exactly what you said - she didn't really care about me that much.

Meanwhile, I've gone out with the shy introverted types and don't have a problem with that. If its in their nature to just not talk that much, then it's fine with me. If they do like to talk, but it happens to not be with me, then I have a problem...

Is it difficult to fathom that someone can love you, but not want to talk to you all the time?

Nope. Me = introvert. Don't expect me to sit there and chat your ear off for hours.



What I dislike most about long distance relationships is the long distance communication. I don't like phone conversations or e-mails. It's too easy to misunderstand or not quite pick up on the nuances of the other person when you're restricted to that type of communication.

 

[TigersGoRAWR]

I am adaptive to my partner, so it has differed with each. I tend to put myself in their shoes, empathize with their situation, and compromise with how much time their schedule/responsibilities allow for. (Which is not to say that I won't secretly harbor a desire for more, or less of their time.) I prefer to hear from them in some form daily, even if only a poke, but I can wait 3 days. After that I feel disconnected, and anxious. I will assume it's over, and start detaching rapidly if more than a week goes by with no communication, I'd say. I wish I was more patient, but I'm not. I fear abandonment, so I prepare to leave first.

The bit in bold. Definitely. xD

If I get a vibe from my SO like; "I don't need to talk to her, she's there if I FEEL like talking to her but otherwise meh" then... I get very annoyed.
I don't want to be there just when they feel like it. I want them to actually WANT to talk to me without me telling them.
I've spent countless hours waiting for previous boyfriends to come on MSN and talk to me and they never show up which means lack of sleep for me.
I don't like having an unbalanced relationship, there are 2 people in a relationship and not one, and if one is doing all the work then.... it's not fair. xP

 

[Sensiko]

Wow, I really admire you guys. I've never been in a long distance relationship, that's something I just couldn't do. I have to be able to recharge like [MENTION=1451]Billy[/MENTION] said on a daily basis. That's a dealbreaker for me. My husband entertained the idea of enlisting once and that's the only time I've given him an ultimatum.

 

[yepunsarang]

How often do you wish to talk to/see your SO?

Ideally, I'd like to see my SO as much as possible---everyday if he goes to my uni, just spend a lot of quality time together.

If you are feeling low or busy, or stressed, would this make you want to talk to them more, or less?

This depends on how strong our bond is. If it is weak, and I grow weary from talking to him, I'd want to talk less because I'd need
more time to mend things myself. But if I'm very close to him and he supports me emotionally very well, I'd want to talk to him more, and spend much energy in explaining and sharing my thoughts with him.

Is the frequency with which you want to talk to them, one of the indications of the amount you care for them?

Yes. Definitely. With my first love, I wanted to talk with him everyday, I didn't care. I almost felt like I was waiting in anticipation to talk to him everyday. I never got bored, I never wanted to hang up the phone.

If your SO doesn't seem to talk to you as much as you would like, do you take this to mean that they don't care about you that much? Is it difficult to fathom that someone can love you, but not want to talk to you all the time?

Kind of, yes. Unless my SO explicitly explained that his infrequency for desire to talk is not an indication of his love (and very genuinely). He'd have to be very, very convincing!

 

[barbad0s]

I was in a relationship where I was apart from my SO for one and a half years. We were continents apart, so we didn't even meet once during that time. We tried to talk as much as possible, but it was difficult to connect as much as we did in person because my SO is not fluent in English. There were a lot of misunderstandings because of the language barrier. Even though I love him, I was in a lot of pain all the time because of this relationship.

In a perfect world I would be able to be with him to see and spend time with him every day, even if not in a relationship with him. I wish I could at least live in the same region as him so we could hang out even once a week.