INFJs and feeling like you'll never find love

[Silently Honest]

I was.

 

[sedna]

Serious answer: Stop looking, it'll find you.

Usually said by folks who always seem to be in relationships...groan...not true...and quite frankly insulting to those of us that are chronically relationship-less.

 

[Silently Honest]

Usually said by folks who always seem to be in relationships...groan...not true...and quite frankly insulting to those of us that are chronically relationship-less.

The truth hurts bub, sometimes because it is so obvious.

The reason it's said by people in constantly relationships is cause it's true, they don't need think about something they've already had.

Also you can be in a relationship and not find love. It's less fulfilling and a bit of waste of time, but it's possible, hell it more often then not.

One more thing, there's other reasons besides the quoted, too often we don't look at ourselves and blame those around us for our lack of love life. God knows how many times I've heard someone complain about how life shat on them and it's completely out of there hands to do something about it, when that's almost never the case. I'm guilty of it as well.

Unless you can explain you're reasoning I can dismiss you as quickly as you dismissed me and look better doing it because I actually bothered to backed my statement up.

 

[sedna]

The truth hurts bub, sometimes because it is so obvious.

The reason it's said by people in constantly relationships is cause it's true, they don't need think about something they've already had.

Also you can be in a relationship and not find love. It's less fulfilling and a bit of waste of time, but it's possible, hell it more often then not.

One more thing, there's other reasons besides the quoted, too often we don't look at ourselves and blame those around us for our lack of love life. God knows how many times I've heard someone complain about how life shat on them and it's completely out of there hands to do something about it, when that's almost never the case. I'm guilty of it as well.

Unless you can explain you're reasoning I can dismiss you as quickly as you dismissed me and look better doing it because I actually bothered to backed my statement up.

What?

 

[Silently Honest]

What?

I'll break it down for you.

Original Statement:

Serious answer: Stop looking, it'll find you.

Reply:

Now that is even more cliche than what I said several posts back. That's like saying, "Count to three and don't think about sex...." (for example)

1
2
3

What are you thinking about?

Uh huh.

My reasoning behind the original statement.

Well, if finding your soulmate or hell just a GF is something you think about as much as the act of sex itself, then you've...

Your statement.

Usually said by folks who always seem to be in relationships...groan...not true...and quite frankly insulting to those of us that are chronically relationship-less.

My reply broken down for your convenience.

The truth hurts bub, sometimes because it is so obvious.

Self evident.

The reason it's said by people in constantly relationships is cause it's true, they don't need think about something they've already had.

In response to this part of your quote.

Usually said by folks who always seem to be in relationships...groan...not true

Also you can be in a relationship and not find love. It's less fulfilling and a bit of waste of time, but it's possible, hell it more often then not.

The subject matter, was about feeling like you'll never find love. I was addressing that you can be in a relationship without actually being IN love.

One more thing, there's other reasons besides the quoted, too often we don't look at ourselves and blame those around us for our lack of love life. God knows how many times I've heard someone complain about how life shat on them and it's completely out of there hands to do something about it, when that's almost never the case. I'm guilty of it as well.

This is me addressing your chronic loneliness statement.

Unless you can explain you're reasoning I can dismiss you as quickly as you dismissed me and look better doing it because I actually bothered to backed my statement up.

And finally me asking you to explain your reasoning lest I not take your opinion seriously.

 

[Detective Conan]

Usually said by folks who always seem to be in relationships...groan...not true...and quite frankly insulting to those of us that are chronically relationship-less.

I'm with you, Sedna. Then again, maybe I'm just bitter towards people in relationships in general But I have found that sometimes it's best to stop looking altogether. Forcing relationships typically leads to deceit of some sort, or quick boredom from trying too many times.

It's funny how true it is that people in relationships are the ones who say that. Obviously there's a group of people who don't believe that's a valid method. Otherwise sites like EHarmony and Chemistry.com wouldn't flourish because people wouldn't be looking through a catalog of dates. Waiting didn't help the thousands that use online-dating services find love.

 

[sedna]

The truth hurts bub, sometimes because it is so obvious.

The reason it's said by people in constantly relationships is cause it's true, they don't need think about something they've already had.

Also you can be in a relationship and not find love. It's less fulfilling and a bit of waste of time, but it's possible, hell it more often then not.

One more thing, there's other reasons besides the quoted, too often we don't look at ourselves and blame those around us for our lack of love life. God knows how many times I've heard someone complain about how life shat on them and it's completely out of there hands to do something about it, when that's almost never the case. I'm guilty of it as well.

Unless you can explain you're reasoning I can dismiss you as quickly as you dismissed me and look better doing it because I actually bothered to backed my statement up.

Listen, Silently Honest, I am literally in the business of love and romance...ironic huh? I can tell you for the most part, I meet and speak to many people on their way to getting married. I can tell you with great certainty that women like myself are never chosen. Why you might ask? Men tend to like average, dumb, cloying women who stroke their egos. And since I am unable to do this without feeling like I've gutted a part of soul, I doubt that I'll be in a relationship anytime soon. I just wish to god that people, for whom relationships magically materialize, would just keep their oft-regurgitated advice to themselves.

 

[Silently Honest]

Listen, Silently Honest, I am literally in the business of love and romance...ironic huh? I can tell you for the most part, I meet and speak to many people on their way to getting married. I can tell you with great certainty that women like myself are never chosen. Why you might ask? Men tend to like average, dumb, cloying women who stroke their egos. And since I am unable to do this without feeling like I've gutted a part of soul, I doubt that I'll be in a relationship anytime soon. I just wish to god that people, for whom relationships magically materialize, would just keep their oft-regurgitated advice to themselves.

Okay I understand where you are coming from, but it seems as if taken my advice to an old friend very personally, as well as my explanations for said advice. What do you do?

 

[acd]

Usually said by folks who always seem to be in relationships...groan...not true...and quite frankly insulting to those of us that are chronically relationship-less.

I'm relationship-less. I am usually relationshipless. It's not healthy to be so concerned with finding love. Why? Why do you want it so bad? Because you want someone to make you feel good about yourself? Because you don't know how to enjoy or appreciate anything in life unless there is someone hanging all over you?

 

[sedna]

I'm with you, Sedna. Then again, maybe I'm just bitter towards people in relationships in general But I have found that sometimes it's best to stop looking altogether. Forcing relationships typically leads to deceit of some sort, or quick boredom from trying too many times.

It's funny how true it is that people in relationships are the ones who say that. Obviously there's a group of people who don't believe that's a valid method. Otherwise sites like EHarmony and Chemistry.com wouldn't flourish because people wouldn't be looking through a catalog of dates. Waiting didn't help the thousands that use online-dating services find love.

The good thing for you Detective is that you're 17. I'm in my 40s. I pretty much feel hopeless about the whole damn thing. But thinking back to when I was 17, I kind of felt it then too. It's very rare that I will feel some connection to someone enough that I'd want to have a relationship with them. Happens every ten years or so. I envy people who can just throw themselves at someone new without thinking too much about it. I have trouble being so cavalier my heart. I'm not a fan of casual relationships at all.

 

[bamf]

SH's words are truth. It's when you decide you don't give a shit, you'd rather do your own thing anyway--that you end up meeting someone amazing who fucks up all of your plans.

For reals, why do the best people come into your life right when everything else you've planed is going perfectly? You've got your cake but you sure as hell can't eat it now thanks to Mr/Mrs heart-throb.

 

[Detective Conan]

The good thing for you Detective is that you're 17. I'm in my 40s. I pretty much feel hopeless about the whole damn thing. But thinking back to when I was 17, I kind of felt it then too. It's very rare that I will feel some connection to someone enough that I'd want to have a relationship with them. Happens every ten years or so. I envy people who can just throw themselves at someone new without thinking too much about it. I have trouble being so cavalier my heart. I'm not a fan of casual relationships at all.

Yeah, it's true I'm only 17, and I respect you for not using that to shoot my opinion down. But my relationships over the last year have gone from bad to worst, and they've helped me mature mentally greatly. First, suicide, followed by another suicide, then the three after that resulted in me getting raped. Needless to say, my morale is *shot* as is any drive to share love with anyone. What was worse is that I did feel deeper connections to these people.

I hate casual relationships... ugh, it makes me sick to my gut (and I'm in high school, great...). It's only second place to teens who waltz around and preach the secrets to love *cough*lust*cough*. Love should be about quality, not quantity.

 

[bamf]

Yeah, it's true I'm only 17, and I respect you for not using that to shoot my opinion down. But my relationships over the last year have gone from bad to worst, and they've helped me mature mentally greatly. First, suicide, followed by another suicide, then the three after that resulted in me getting raped. Needless to say, my morale is *shot* as is any drive to share love with anyone. What was worse is that I did feel deeper connections to these people.

I hate casual relationships... ugh, it makes me sick to my gut (and I'm in high school, great...). It's only second place to teens who waltz around and preach the secrets to love *cough*lust*cough*. Love should be about quality, not quantity.

Love is quality.

 

[sedna]

I'm relationship-less. I am usually relationshipless. It's not healthy to be so concerned with finding love. Why? Why do you want it so bad? Because you want someone to make you feel good about yourself? Because you don't know how to enjoy or appreciate anything in life unless there is someone hanging all over you?

God no, alt ctrl del. I'm not needy. And for the most part I do enjoy my life. I want to explore who I am in a relationship. I want to be loved. I want to be made love to. I would like to see some evidence that I am a lovable person...because apparently I'm not. And the women who always seem to be the chosen are terribly uninteresting, average-looking, standard, generally not me. Age changes everything. Michael Jackson's death changed everything. It made me feel ancient. Instantly. First death of someone from my generation. It's a reminder that life really is short. I'm certainly not wasting time being coy about what I want. I meet men all the time. I've become more 'practical' about this whole 'dating & romance' thing (even though I don't enjoy it) and still nothing ever materializes for me. I'm sure there are probably worst things in life, but I feel this has been my greatest tragedy, and it's difficult to overcome.

 

[rainrise]

i believe true love is known within and should not be sought without with the intention of fullfilling a desire because of lack or wanting more.
perhaps we cannot find it outside in another person, becuase it is felt or known within and thus, can be given in abundance; is not so much dependent on lack in the act of seeking it.

then, relationships would not be based on searching for someone who is going to fulfill all your desires (for who can truly do that?), but rather relating with the other person as a fellow human to be cherished, not as an idealistic construct to be identified with or won over.

i was reading Eckart Tolle and he wrote something that stroke me as insightful. he said that to genuinely love a person is to recognize yourself in him or her.

that rings true in seeing the other's flaws as well...another reason idealized relationships won't last. others are bound to have flaws just as we ourselves have them...superimposing ideals onto someone may work at the beginning of the relationship and may be quite exhiliarating until we realize that we're playing tiring roles in order to live up to each other's expectations of "the perfect relationship" (and ultimately fooling not just them, but ourselves too).

"the perfect relationship" is so obscure and the more we question ourselves and get down to its definition, the more unrealistic it may sound and more diverse its meaning may be depending individuals. could we all be looking for something different and equally unattainable--is that why so many of us are having so much trouble finding it? i don't know. yet, we all seem to want true love.

could it be that we are all just too busy seeking it somewhere else, looking for a time when it will happen to us (or be given to us)?

just my thoughts

 

[acd]

God no, alt ctrl del. I'm not needy. And for the most part I do enjoy my life. I want to explore who I am in a relationship. I want to be loved. I want to be made love to. I would like to see some evidence that I am a lovable person...because apparently I'm not. And the women who always seem to be the chosen are terribly uninteresting, average-looking, standard, generally not me. Age changes everything. Michael Jackson's death changed everything. It made me feel ancient. Instantly. First death of someone from my generation. It's a reminder that life really is short. I'm certainly not wasting time being coy about what I want. I meet men all the time. I've become more 'practical' about this whole 'dating & romance' thing (even though I don't enjoy it) and still nothing ever materializes for me. I'm sure there are probably worst things in life, but I feel this has been my greatest tragedy, and it's difficult to overcome.

My apologies. I see now. How are you more practical?

 

[sedna]

i believe true love is known within and should not be sought without with the intention of fullfilling a desire because of lack or wanting more.
perhaps we cannot find it outside in another person, becuase it is felt or known within and thus, can be given in abundance; is not so much dependent on lack in the act of seeking it.

then, relationships would not be based on searching for someone who is going to fulfill all your desires (for who can truly do that?), but rather relating with the other person as a fellow human to be cherished, not as an idealistic construct to be identified with or won over.

i was reading Eckart Tolle and he wrote something that stroke me as insightful. he said that to genuinely love a person is to recognize yourself in him or her.

that rings true in seeing the other's flaws as well...another reason idealized relationships won't last. others are bound to have flaws just as we ourselves have them...superimposing ideals onto someone may work at the beginning of the relationship and may be quite exhiliarating until we realize that we're playing tiring roles in order to live up to each other's expectations of "the perfect relationship" (and ultimately fooling not just them, but ourselves too).

"the perfect relationship" is so obscure and the more we question ourselves and get down to its definition, the more unrealistic it may sound and more diverse its meaning may be depending individuals. could we all be looking for something different and equally unattainable--is that why so many of us are having so much trouble finding it? i don't know. yet, we all seem to want true love.

could it be that we are all just too busy seeking it somewhere else, looking for a time when it will happen to us (or be given to us)?

just my thoughts

rainrise, I think flaws are beautiful. I gave up on perfection a long time ago. I just want a perfectly flawed person for me (another perfectly flawed person.)

 

[Jana]

Usually said by folks who always seem to be in relationships...groan...not true...and quite frankly insulting to those of us that are chronically relationship-less.

Yes. Beacuse for some people it doesn't work.

 

[sassafras]

God no, alt ctrl del. I'm not needy. And for the most part I do enjoy my life. I want to explore who I am in a relationship. I want to be loved. I want to be made love to. I would like to see some evidence that I am a lovable person...because apparently I'm not. And the women who always seem to be the chosen are terribly uninteresting, average-looking, standard, generally not me. Age changes everything. Michael Jackson's death changed everything. It made me feel ancient. Instantly. First death of someone from my generation. It's a reminder that life really is short. I'm certainly not wasting time being coy about what I want. I meet men all the time. I've become more 'practical' about this whole 'dating & romance' thing (even though I don't enjoy it) and still nothing ever materializes for me. I'm sure there are probably worst things in life, but I feel this has been my greatest tragedy, and it's difficult to overcome.

I don't claim to know how you present yourself to other people in real life, and I don't have any other insight into who you are, but I thought I'd point out that just from reading your post, I got a very pessimistic vibe. It's not what you were saying (and I do understand your situation and sympathize), it was how you said it. The most prominent, poignant vocabulary in your post was extremely negative. I was moved into a really foul mindset as soon as I finished reading, and I didn't know why until I read it over again. That was when I noticed some of your word choices.

Words like "ancient," "greatest tragedy," "not a lovable person" and oscillating between extremes, "nothing" to "everything"... It made your situation, although unfortunate, feel ten times worse than it truly is.

I really hope that's not how you represent your situation to yourself on a daily basis. I also hope that this type of negativity doesn't slip on through your interactions with other people. You might not be actively trying to communicate pessimistic thoughts, but it's quite possible that your rhetoric might be betraying your mindset. I wonder if other people pick up on the same negative vibe I did as a result.

Then again, it could be that you express yourself differently on paper/screen, and that you were consciously trying to paint this sort of picture... but if you weren't, check yourself next time you're talking to another person and try to use words more closely related to the intensity of the situation rather than let your words grossly misproportion an emotional interaction.

Or better yet, try putting that strong vocabulary to good use by putting more emphasis on positives while diminishing the negatives. Experiment and see if that puts you and the other person in a better mindset.

Now, I'm not trying to be snarky here, please realize. It could be that maybe one of the reasons you're having a hard time isn't necessarily the standards you've set for yourself, or even your age (which, by the way, may change a few details, but certainly doesn't change everything) but maybe you only need to alter your mindset and your strategies a bit. I wanted to point this out because it seemed rather obvious to me as soon as I read it.

Anyway, just my two cents. I hope I haven't stepped out of line.

 

[laurie]

I felt for a while that I'd never find love and was kind of looking for it in a panic in everyone, but eventually I realised I was just scared of growing old and dying alone. So I decided just to forget about 'love' and do what I felt was right. Turns out to be that I actually don't really care about love deep down, because my family and friends are all I need I'm happy with what I have (though I may be too young to say that XD).
If you're really desperate for love, chances are that it is just being too critical of people, as I've found I can be, and that you have to settle for a person you like a lot but don't always get on with. Remember that fighting brings people closer, or something ^^"