INFJs and feeling like you'll never find love

[Nausus]

I'm apparently too harsh on myself, but I don't think i'd ever satisfy anyone, really. And for these reasons:

1. I can be very stubborn.
2. I don't think my physical appearence is attractive (I'm short, I have dark hair but pale skin and I have freckles, and even when I tan I look italian D: ) and I don't wear makeup because of animal testing so I can't hide my freckles or anything.
3. I tend to be prone to everyone walking all over me, so i'm very paranoid about why someone wants to be with me and I get very doubtful which obviously messes it up.
4. I have too many ailments e.g. I have a low immune system so i'm sick all of the time which many people mistake for melodrama and type me as being needy and also i'm prone to depression (it's genetic in my family) which also is seen as melodrama and needyness.

The thing is, i'm a very independent individual and I tend to just get on with it but i'm always scared about what people think of me, then doubt why they "like" me. I genuinly care about people and wish to make them happy, but it seems i can never really fulfill that. :/

 

[rainrise]

I'm apparently too harsh on myself, but I don't think i'd ever satisfy anyone, really. And for these reasons:

1. I can be very stubborn.
2. I don't think my physical appearence is attractive (I'm short, I have dark hair but pale skin and I have freckles, and even when I tan I look italian D: ) and I don't wear makeup because of animal testing so I can't hide my freckles or anything.
3. I tend to be prone to everyone walking all over me, so i'm very paranoid about why someone wants to be with me and I get very doubtful which obviously messes it up.
4. I have too many ailments e.g. I have a low immune system so i'm sick all of the time which many people mistake for melodrama and type me as being needy and also i'm prone to depression (it's genetic in my family) which also is seen as melodrama and needyness.

The thing is, i'm a very independent individual and I tend to just get on with it but i'm always scared about what people think of me, then doubt why they "like" me. I genuinly care about people and wish to make them happy, but it seems i can never really fulfill that. :/

 

[Tamagochi]

Serious answer: Stop looking, it'll find you.

I agree that this answer may sound insulting to some, because it is just not reasonable. It's no better than "drink this gipsy love potion". Yet it has some value, which I can extract to this: love will find you, when you're ready for it. This gives a lot more ground to work on.

I can tell you with great certainty that women like myself are never chosen. Why you might ask? Men tend to like average, dumb, cloying women who stroke their egos. And since I am unable to do this without feeling like I've gutted a part of soul, I doubt that I'll be in a relationship anytime soon.

Well I find it hard to believe that from all 3,5 billion women currently living in our planet, none who are like you have ever been chosen. But even if you were right on that the following rationalization is just not true. First of all I can guarantee you, that not all men want the kind of women you described. Secondly, they might actually be attracted to something else that those women have and if you learned and accepted that quality into your life, you would become attractive without sacrificing your soul.

An analogy from the other side of the fence is a popular myth that women are attracted to "bad guys". But it's simply not true - they are attracted not to the "badness" part, but to some other qualities those men just happen to posses.

rainrise, I think flaws are beautiful. I gave up on perfection a long time ago. I just want a perfectly flawed person for me (another perfectly flawed person.)

It just happens that today I've been talking to my counselor about idealizing in my relationships. I too do not seek a perfect person - perfectly flawed is just what I need. As we got deeper into the issue we came to an interesting issue that I do not idealize the person herself, but rather my own feeling of it. That is I want my feeling of attachment to be perfect - I cannot invest say 10% or 20% of my feelings into a relationship. It's all or nothing for me. Either I give all of my love to one person or I give none.

That concept was difficult for my listener to approve - in her line of thinking it's better to feel at least a little happy than not happy. Even though I can agree with her on that it seems too difficult to implement in my life. The idea of accepting imperfect feelings seems threatening to my integrity.

 

[Nausus]

Aww thank you.

I know I shouldn't, and I know it's wrong. But i've even thought about completely changing the way I look/act to find a significant other. D:

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I know there are people out there who would fit well with my personality. BUT there always seems to be something in the way.

For instance: I found a nearly perfect guy who meshes wonderfully with my personality -- even he thinks so.
Problem: He's gay.

And that tends to be the general pattern to my life. It's extremely frustrating.

 

[Detective Conan]

For instance: I found a nearly perfect guy who meshes wonderfully with my personality -- even he thinks so.
Problem: He's gay.

And that tends to be the general pattern to my life. It's extremely frustrating.

I have that problem too, except whenever I find a girl like that, she's gay. urrghh... frustrating is an understatement...

 

[gloomy-optimist]

No kidding >8( ESPECIALLY when they continue sending you mixed messages, so it's hard to get over them >.<

 

[slant]

Gay women don't like me for some reason.

I feel left out of the "everyone I like is gay" circle

 

[Detective Conan]

No kidding >8( ESPECIALLY when they continue sending you mixed messages, so it's hard to get over them >.<

Or like, one time, I was going to ask this one girl out. When I go to her place to ask her, I met someone else--her girlfriend. Turns out the girl claims to be bi, but she is moreso attracted to the same sex >[ so I have no chance.

 

[RetardedMonkey]

I don't know if I'll ever be able to find love. Everytime someone gets close to me I push them away. But it's because of how I view myself (unlovable). I'm convinced that once I fix that part of me and stop viewing the unique qualities about myself as "flaws" I will then be able to find the love I want. The problem is, I have no idea how to even do that.

 

[rainrise]

But i've even thought about completely changing the way I look/act to find a significant other. D:

i've had thoughts like those and because they take on such a dysthymic quality, they can be extremely toxic as they slowly and slyly pervade your mental concept of your own image/worth.

i know your mind can go on thinking whatever it pleases, but i, amongst others of course, think you're beautiful and that those changes are definately not necessary!

 

[rainrise]

I don't know if I'll ever be able to find love. Everytime someone gets close to me I push them away.

i haven't found the right balance between intimacy and personal space. my commitment, in the other person's view, fades away because of this as it can easily be taken for disinterest or aloofness. i don't think i push them away so much as i withdraw.

i can be extremely interested and emotionally attached to someone and not express it outwardly. i think it's because i don't believe in romantic love anymore and so don't want to buy into my own feelings which i, through past experience, have deemed ultimately groundless. yes, it saves me pain and drama...but somehow i know that relationships need to pass the romantic stage before it settles into true commited love.

at present, i know i do love...i just don't know how to believe in its genuineness when given to me by someone else. i'm afraid of losing myself in a role based on romance and getting caught in my own mindtraps.

 

[chaotic_lion]

I know I shouldn't, and I know it's wrong. But i've even thought about completely changing the way I look/act to find a significant other. D:

Never change who you are, Nausus, be true to yourself, then when you find someone who loves you, you'll know its real.

 

[Wyst]

Wow - several years back I also used to think I was unlovable. I wonder if most/some/many INFJs feel like that at some point in their life.

 

[Nausus]

i've had thoughts like those and because they take on such a dysthymic quality, they can be extremely toxic as they slowly and slyly pervade your mental concept of your own image/worth.

i know your mind can go on thinking whatever it pleases, but i, amongst others of course, think you're beautiful and that those changes are definately not necessary!

Never change who you are, Nausus, be true to yourself, then when you find someone who loves you, you'll know its real.

Thank you both, you're too kind.

You two are also wonderful people! and Chaos, we should watch some anime some time x3

 

[chaotic_lion]

Thank you both, you're too kind.

You two are also wonderful people! and Chaos, we should watch some anime some time x3

Thanks, Nausus! Yeah we really should! :3

 

[laurie]

I'm apparently too harsh on myself, but I don't think i'd ever satisfy anyone, really. And for these reasons:

1. I can be very stubborn.
2. I don't think my physical appearence is attractive (I'm short, I have dark hair but pale skin and I have freckles, and even when I tan I look italian D: ) and I don't wear makeup because of animal testing so I can't hide my freckles or anything.
3. I tend to be prone to everyone walking all over me, so i'm very paranoid about why someone wants to be with me and I get very doubtful which obviously messes it up.
4. I have too many ailments e.g. I have a low immune system so i'm sick all of the time which many people mistake for melodrama and type me as being needy and also i'm prone to depression (it's genetic in my family) which also is seen as melodrama and needyness.

The thing is, i'm a very independent individual and I tend to just get on with it but i'm always scared about what people think of me, then doubt why they "like" me. I genuinly care about people and wish to make them happy, but it seems i can never really fulfill that. :/

Apart from #2 you sound spookily like me! Or is it me sounding like you? That's verging on scary.

 

[J. Cardigan]

I've had two gay guys hit on me within the past year :/. I was offered a blowjob by a coworker; I just told him I was flattered but not interested. At least it means girls probably find me attractive. :/

Honestly, I've quit worrying about it. I've met enough crazy girls to last me a lifetime, and I'm in no hurry to find another one.

A "friends with benefits" situation would be okay with me, though.

sedna: if it makes you feel any better, dumb girls annoy the shit out of me. I nearly pushed one off of my couch when she was trying to show me her tits. I wanted to get to sleep and she wanted to get laid. She just didn't get the picture.

 

[Eric86]

Yeah, I didn't do any looking at all to find my gf. She was introduced to me by her current ex-bf last year (he's actually one of my best friends). They broke up a few months ago, and after a while, she started talking to me more (she was really shy around me while they were still together; we had talked on and off for several months prior to this, but most of the time she wouldn't say much), and began to really warm up to me, and things just kinda clicked and moved pretty quickly once we started talking regularly.

 

[Faye]

I worry about finding love, but I don't think that I'll never find it.