INFJs and feelings of being alone, different, disconnected or lost

Wow Emily,

I can tell you are in INTJ just like he is! You throw out a logical response that's critical and scathing.

I have done everything he and the children have wanted me to do for the past 17 years. I go through all the motions. If you understood us, you'd know that's what INFJs do. We always do and be what everyone else wants us to be. We just always feel empty while we're doing it.

And whenever I would venture to say, I feel empty inside and don't know why, my INTJ husband would respond exactly as you just have. And I would retreat within myself and conclude there is something wrong with me.

Why post if you can't be supportive?

PS. I have told him about Myers Briggs and we've been through marriage counseling.
 
Transition: You'r post reminds me of myself in a basketball tournament several years ago.. On one break I was asking the team why don't you do anything, why don't you pass the ball to me... And the plain reply was "you dont show you want it nor are you in any places where we could pass it to you.."... Definately felt like a slap to my face "what is the problem in me?" but after I realized that when you'r pointing someone with you'r finger there's usually 4 fingers pointing at you...
 
Transition said:
I have done everything he and the children have wanted me to do for the past 17 years. I go through all the motions. If you understood us, you'd know that's what INFJs do. We always do and be what everyone else wants us to be. We just always feel empty while we're doing it.

And whenever I would venture to say, I feel empty inside and don't know why, my INTJ husband would respond exactly as you just have. And I would retreat within myself and conclude there is something wrong with me.
Click to expand...

One hint which could help you.. Atleast it has helped me some... Find out what you really like doing.. what really doesn't make you feel empty. Then try to get you'r whole family do it or atleast You'r husband...

Atleast I do a LOT of stuff (running 3 companies at the moment and 2 day jobs + some freelancing and going for my masters in university) and I can say that some of the stuff I'm doing do make me feel empty... And I'm currently trying to drop those just so that I could focus to what I like.. That also meant I had to end my 7 years relationship because I knew she couldn't understand me and that would have led to something bad in the longer term (and I didn't want that to happen when we're married or anything)
 
Why do you assume that everything that is said to you needs to be light and fluffy?

Why do you believe your family and the rest of society are responsible for supplying you with endless support?

Why do you think that tears and whining and bitterness will bring about happiness or resolve anything?

There is something wrong, you are obviously unhappy and for some reason you are placing the blame on another person. You seem to be jealous and annoyed with him and his relationship with his/your children.

If you feel empty inside retreat inside yourself and find out who you are and what you want, do not cry, whine and blame other's for your emotion's.

I could also say to you why post if you are just going to whine?
And why put your intimate personal struggles out there if you do not want the input?

You said 'If you understood us, you'd know that's what INFJs do. We always do and be what everyone else wants us to be. We just always feel empty while we're doing it.' so if that is the truth what is the problem? And why is it your husband's fault?

And no I am nothing like your husband. He has remained married to you for seventeen years and has supported you and your children as well as he has been able for those seventeen years and he has even gone to marriage counselling with you. He is far more tolerant and it seems he is very fond of you or he would not have done any of that. I however am not fond of you, and I have wasted enough of my time.

The glass is half full, you just have failed to notice or you do not care!
 
Transition, I am sorry to hear about your sense of emptiness and realize that a few words in a post are not going to communicate whatever is actually going on in a complex, long-term relationship. For the most part a forum like this one and a thread like this one is for the purpose of finding connections between INFJs. I can understand why you wouldn't post it over at INTJforums or something like that.

It might be that you would be helped by feeling in control of your own loneliness, owning it, and having a sense that you can correct it yourself rather than hoping someone else will. It might also be that there is a negative dynamic you are facing that can't easily be pushed back against. You might also be dealing with a chemical imbalance and depression. If I had to venture a guess, I would lean in that direction. Your comments about staring off into space and feeling empty, disconnected even from your family suggest a physiological issue. However, there is simply no realistic way any person reading your posts on an internet forum could know what is actually happening. What people do is use models from their own personal lives and project them onto internet posts to fill in for the missing details. This is often done without the person even realizing it. Making assumptions about another person's personal life is not an objective activity. It is always projection of some sort.

I'm glad there is a forum like this where people who feel isolated can attempt to make a connection. I do not judge your situation or feelings. I hope you can find the inner strength you need in your life to become more connected.
 
True, I definitely am a big believer in keeping busy! I homeschool the four kids which means they are always around, I take them to all their church and sports activities, keep the house clean, do the shopping, the meals - oh and run a property management company. I'm also active as a realtor where I work with investors and forming syndicates. Busy! I think that's how we INFJs like things!

My mind is always thinking of a new way to make money in real estate, or a better way to homeschool, run the company etc. I LOVE strategy!

When I said I feel alone, or that I'm off away from my husband and the kids - I think I worded that wrong. It's more about how I feel. I am rarely alone. When you homeschool, your kids are ALWAYS there! I just feel like I am not one with them somehow. That I don't fit in. That my mind is always searching for something else.

I think what I'm looking for is someone to connect with. Someone who I can understand but who will also understand me. My husband and I don't share any common interests and I think that's our greatest problem. He's a systems engineer and you never see him without his head in his laptop. On the rare occasion we go out to dinner, his head is in his iphone. He's extremely introverted and he just doesn't have much to say. To the extent he is introverted, he is even more unemotional.

I, on the other hand, have a lot I would love to say. But I am so damn sensitive to rejection that it is death to me! I can't bring myself to say things because I'm afraid he's going to reject me with another logical, unemotional response. I've been rejected so many times!

I've tried and tried to connect with meaningful conversations. The end result is I feel I am a very plain, uninteresting and boring person indeed. Quite frankly the laptop is a lot more compelling to him!

On the one occasion I told him I was leaving, he asked me did I have any idea what that would do to his life? That his life was very comfortable and he liked it the way it was.

That was in April. Since then I've been trying to figure out how to support the four kids on my own and still be available for them.

I will agree with Emily on this one note: the glass IS half full. I MUST believe life can be better.
 
Transition, ignore all the negative things Emily said. There is absolutley NOTHING wrong with you or your feelings. :hug: I'm so sorry you're going through this. :( It must be so hard for you when your husband doesn't acknowledge your emotions and pain and discounts your needs. The road trips and cruises mean nothing because there is no emotional bond there (which marriages MUST have). That is completely normal to not be able to enjoy them. Your feelings are completely appropriate.

You very much have a right to be angry with him and the situation you're in. You have sacrificed and given him your time and love while receiving nothing in return. It seems that he is not making an effort to improve your marriage while he takes the time to bond and work on his relationship with the children. :( I can't imagine how frustrating that would be. You deserve better.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I admire how you so freely opened up about your life (I'm not brave enough to do that yet). :smile: I want you to know that all of your thoughts and feelings are completely validated and justified! I would feel the exact same way if I were in your shoes. Keep your head up and hang in there. :hug:
 
Transition said:
True, I definitely am a big believer in keeping busy! I homeschool the four kids which means they are always around, I take them to all their church and sports activities, keep the house clean, do the shopping, the meals - oh and run a property management company. I'm also active as a realtor where I work with investors and forming syndicates. Busy! I think that's how we INFJs like things!

My mind is always thinking of a new way to make money in real estate, or a better way to homeschool, run the company etc. I LOVE strategy!
Click to expand...

Just one question... And this is based mostly on my own life/feelings and also some general INJF "profiles"... You do do a lot of stuff... But what IF you could do something really meaningful.. What ever that would be for you.. Inventing new things to save environment, sell something environmental stuff, starting up a business which is focused on helping the poor in India or focused on helping drug addicts get clean.. what ever...

What is the thing that would give you satisfaction? It can be a hobby or just different line of work... For example imagine working in ambulance and having saved someones life.. Would that make a difference for you?

Are you keeping busy just because you can't stand standing still so you fill you'r life with everything.. If so, why can't you stand still?
 
Transition said:
I think what I'm looking for is someone to connect with. Someone who I can understand but who will also understand me. My husband and I don't share any common interests and I think that's our greatest problem. He's a systems engineer and you never see him without his head in his laptop. On the rare occasion we go out to dinner, his head is in his iphone. He's extremely introverted and he just doesn't have much to say. To the extent he is introverted, he is even more unemotional.
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I don't know you'r husband bust just one idea... Some people (I am atleast) are workaholics.. basically they love to do stuff and if they don't do it they feel really bad... Then they have to choose if they are with their beloved ones and then feel very bad themselves because they'r not doing anything.. And if you always feel bad like that you start projecting the feelings to you'r beloved ones and that's not nice.. Or if you can suck it up for some time you most likely explode at some point and thats not nice.. Another option is to do that stuff and ignore others... It's colder aproach but works better in the long run... Though it's very bad for the ones close..
 
I have a enormous drive to be connected and accepted, to "fit in", and it is a source of endless frustration. Both my Autistic tendencies (Asperger's Syndrome) and the craziness of my Ni tend to separate me from others yet my Fe creates an incessant drive for connection. It's probably no surprise that I'm a 6w5 as well, my attempts at fitting in always leads to intro a love-hate relationship to those in authority.
 
Hey I have this intense desire to be accepted too! To the extent I'm always making decisions based on what others think, or how I think they would want me to respond.

This makes it difficult to operate a company, when I'm constantly wanting my staff's approval. I rely heavily on a strong office manager.
 
i withdraw in new surroundings and analyse them to the detail using my feelings and intuition to avoid mistakes by selecting friends very carefully to whom are close. and then creating an outer barrier to all others which i can communicate too but not have a close relationship with. it protects me from hurt but should any1 need help im over there in a flash
 
NippyRadams91 said:
i withdraw in new surroundings and analyse them to the detail using my feelings and intuition to avoid mistakes by selecting friends very carefully to whom are close. and then creating an outer barrier to all others which i can communicate too but not have a close relationship with. it protects me from hurt but should any1 need help im over there in a flash
Click to expand...

That's exactly what I do but I'd be lying if I say I haven't made a mistake when choosing friends because I have made some drastic mistakes.
I'm fine now though, I've finally learnt my lesson. :)
 
I just read this whole thread and it makes me happy and sad. Happy because there are people here who feel like I do and can articulate it so well. Sad because I feel disconnected and different. I have felt different my entire life; I still have my diary that I started when I was 10 and it is full of entries wondering why I am so different.

Some of you have said that it gets better as you get older. I am now 49 and it is not better, it is worse. The longer my life goes on without feeling authentic, without people liking the "real" me, without being able to be the "real" me, the worse it gets. I have some very close friends, with whom I've been friends with a long long time. But I have to hide my true feelings and passions, because they tend to mock me. "Oh that Goldfinch, there she goes again."

A couple of months ago I had a friend say, "It's a good thing I've known you a long time, because what you just said is so weird that if I was just meeting you I would not want to ever go out with you again!"

My self esteem is in the gutter, I am tired of being mocked, and I want someone to like me for the true me, not the me I show to the world so that I can fit in.

I spend more and more time alone, but I'm not lonely. I'm relieved when I'm alone.

I do a lot of volunteer work, always hoping to meet people like me, but it never seems to happen. I enjoy my volunteer work, it makes me feel useful and allows me to use my strengths, and it's probably the one thing that keeps me going. My daughter bought me a heart shaped plaque that reads, "Stop me before I volunteer again."
 
I feel like I'm on one of those motorized walkways in the airport. Here I am, going the same pace as everyone else, walking in the same direction but that 4 ft. wall divides us. I might enjoy talking to some of them but it's kept light and superficial because we're all going to go in different directions at the end of the corridor. I would like to know someone who can walk with me, that I can talk to on the long flight home.
 
Misunderstood

Dear INFJS:

Do you feel terribly misunderstood most of the time?
I do.

Why is that?
 
I keep my deepest thoughts to myself, so there is no room for being misunderstood.

But I can understand your concern...
 
It happens :) With NFs around it happens less.

I think intuitive and feeling types suffer from this "problem" more. Mainly because of inexperience - some things that look "obvious" to us are not that way to sensors who make the majority of population. Feelings can also get into a way of explaining things clearly.
 
Tamagochi said:
It happens :) With NFs around it happens less.

I think intuitive and feeling types suffer from this "problem" more. Mainly because of inexperience - some things that look "obvious" to us are not that way to sensors who make the majority of population. Feelings can also get into a way of explaining things clearly.
Click to expand...

i think that says a lot.

a lot of the time people call me strange or weird and i'm just saying/doing something that seems so natural to me i am stunned they find it strange?
if you know what I mean
 
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