INFJs dating

I don't like dating, I think it's the biggest lie and the reason being attraction. If you've ever been out with someone who wasn't physically attracted to you you'd know they're easy, they don't hold back because they don't feel they need to. There's not that promise of a huge or a kiss or sex so long as you do absolutely everything you think the other wants you to do, you're just yourself because what do you have to lose? But when you're attracted to them you have everything to lose. The promise of the idea of them when the idea of them isn't them at all. I don't like dating for that reason, and I don't date.

That being said I've been reading through some of these threads and one in particular the discussion of two INFJ's dating and how disastrous or semi pleasant that would be, and I know an INFJ. She's very beautiful and I enjoy talking to her from what I can tell. I think I would go on a date with her, but more as a social experiment than anything else. But how do you get someone to do that with you when the first thing you want to say is, "Hey! I wanna experiment with your feelings! Are you game?!" I don't want to lie to her, I don't want to lead her on. And so I think that and I think I should just let it alone. But the idea is enticing, though so is the idea of someone during a date.
 
I joke about it but dating is actually not all that bad. Sometimes you just have to slay a few dragons to find your princess. The more I do it, the less I dislike it and sometimes I really do have a good time. Even if I know that the girl and I don't have chemistry, it doesn't stop me from enjoying her company.

My problem is just that I am little awkward when it comes to the whole process. I am far from your lady killer smooth talker type so it makes it a challenge. Both of my older brothers where that type and most of my good friends are that type but it is like a foreign language to me. Sometimes I am really good at it but other times it's sad, very sad. So it is hit or miss.
 
Dohavior said:
I run into some problems that might be similarly related from the other side of the gender gap. I really hate the whole giving/taking, tit for tat, trust tests some the less experienced women employ. I kind of like leaving all that sex stuff to the women, but that seems impossible one would just end up with a hodgepodge of niceties that have no sensual gratification in any form for anyone except the common onlooker guffawing with amusement. That kind of reminds me a lot of your last comment there lol. Hey at least you aren't fighting off the over spunky waitress whom can't keep her mind off that cute couple in the corner. OMFG woman take our order and just leave already!!! Whole time your date is just thinking damn he is such a woman abuser!

When there is an intense desire for one another I have difficulty striking a balance with their extreme paranoia and embarrassment in obtaining what they desire. The fears that you will hurt the one you care about OR that you are not good enough. I think it is these same emotions that fuel much of the thoughts of those around me halting progress and dwarfing mankind. It is the repugnance towards these two concepts that is the basis of my solitude as an introvert.

On a more personal note what do you mean trashing rom-coms there are many favorites I have seen! I can't imagine chocolate and drinking. I just picture beer and m&ms with some quality time fighting over the bathroom. Not that I ever drink, but here is an interesting article http://www.wikihow.com/Pair-Wine-and-Chocolate
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I don't believe in "tests" in relationships. If you have to force a situation in order to gauge someone's intentions, you're doing it wrong (not to mention, you're quite possibly destroying a lot of trust, too). Far better to simply not make decisions that you're not confident about when it comes to love and sex.

If there was only one word to describe me, it would be "reserved." Emotionally reserved. Physically reserved. I don't consider no sex at a specific date a form of self-denial and withholding in the first place, just not making the earliest grab possible at something that has a lot of smaller increments and that I'd regret if I'd done impulsively with many people. I can't control if someone else sees it as a negative, but that's why I picked out the biggest, most romantic fellow prude I could find who probably would have screamed and run away if I tried on the second date.

On the topic of rom-coms, I don't like the genre but we also picked comically bad ones for a reason. If you tell me your favorite I'll report back with some of our snarky (and drunk on wine) commentary.
 
I'm not an INFJ but dated an INFJ male. What do I have to say about the experience? He was warm, loving, kind but unstable, irrational and manipulative. I could never take him at face value, because he would lie about practically everything.

However, I do not regret the experience. I'm hoping we can still be friends, but I am glad the relationship is finished.
 
HunterO said:
I'm not an INFJ but dated an INFJ male. What do I have to say about the experience? He was warm, loving, kind but unstable, irrational and manipulative. I could never take him at face value, because he would lie about practically everything.

However, I do not regret the experience. I'm hoping we can still be friends, but I am glad the relationship is finished.
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Can i ask why you feel the need to come to an INFJ forum to share this with INFJ's?

Are you indulging in the luxury of analysis or is it passive agression?
 
I have decided I am ready to start dating again and I am a little excited, nervous and afraid. I've no idea of even where to start though. Any pointers or tips?
 
jimtaylor said:
I have decided I am ready to start dating again and I am a little excited, nervous and afraid. I've no idea of even where to start though. Any pointers or tips?
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I'm not the greatest dater!

I've tried online- if you're interested in actively dating, I'd recommend that...!
 
DonTaushMe said:
I don't like dating, I think it's the biggest lie and the reason being attraction. If you've ever been out with someone who wasn't physically attracted to you you'd know they're easy, they don't hold back because they don't feel they need to. There's not that promise of a huge or a kiss or sex so long as you do absolutely everything you think the other wants you to do, you're just yourself because what do you have to lose? But when you're attracted to them you have everything to lose. The promise of the idea of them when the idea of them isn't them at all. I don't like dating for that reason, and I don't date.

That being said I've been reading through some of these threads and one in particular the discussion of two INFJ's dating and how disastrous or semi pleasant that would be, and I know an INFJ. She's very beautiful and I enjoy talking to her from what I can tell. I think I would go on a date with her, but more as a social experiment than anything else. But how do you get someone to do that with you when the first thing you want to say is, "Hey! I wanna experiment with your feelings! Are you game?!" I don't want to lie to her, I don't want to lead her on. And so I think that and I think I should just let it alone. But the idea is enticing, though so is the idea of someone during a date.
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I fully understand you, really, I had such a period, when I meet beautiful girls, that only had a beautiful appearance and there was nothing inside... I had approximately 17 partners due to the fact that I used almost all the dating sites from collection of dating sites about which you can check here, so, I had a period in my life when I was totally disappointed in people, that they are fake, that they don't have anything interesting and concerned about their appearance, not mind... However, after 3 years later I got an request for a date with a woman, so I went to that date and dramatically changed my mind about people, because she turned out to be quite interesting man inside, so, I guess, you think so because you haven't met the right person...
 
I just don't date. I met someone, and we knew very quickly that we liked each other, and we simply spent more time together. We knew we would always be friends but not how it might turn into something more intimate.

Dating and sex are a trial run for marriage. It usually involves what I consider ingenuineness. Two people with separate agendas that they keep to themselves. One tries to get something out of the other while the other holds back. One feeling that they give too much while the other person takes advantage. These roles may even switch between the man and woman depending on the situation.

On the other hand, friendship may change over the years, but that connection remains, even if you no longer see each other. Two peopple on equal footing. No one person is expected to tolerate having it "put to them". No deception and manipulation if it is a healthy relationship.
 
angels.webp
Dating, romance and Life in general is full of choices and realizations.
1) if you are afraid of being hurt by love, do not date, do not fall in love, do not get married. Get a pet.
2) Life and Love will always involve hurt and pain as well as joy and love. That's just how Life works.
3) if you choose to date, be brave. There will be joy, there will be pain, there will be hurt, and love and whatever other emotion a body can feel.
If you are brave, do not give up and can remain balanced in the Center, a great adventure truly awaits you.
 
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