INFJs, why would you friendzone someone?

slant said:
Attraction and desire can't be forced.

An infj, or any human being friendzones because they don't want to be in a sexual or romantic relationship with that particular person.

It is not a personal rejection of you. You still have worth and value. You will find someone to have that sort of relationship with eventually, so accept the desire is not mutual and start actively dating.

Personally I've found trying to make a friendship morph into a relationship is damaging. Dating apps and having your intentions clear from the beginning skips a lot of these frustrating conversations.
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I have mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand my realtionships that changed from friendship into something more were good because we had a common ground to stand on. When they fell apart it was usually something they'd been lying or dishonest about during our friendship which became apparent the more we were together.

My wife was pretty much my best friend before we were togther, we always had a strong connection.

That said, not every friendship is relationship material.

Some people are too different, some people just have preferences you don't fit. Eye colour, hair colour etc.

Sometimes situations just don;t work out.

True if you are both looking for something like as you say on a dating site it makes it easier for common intent.

Basically you just have to be careful. Can be worth a try but it depends whats more valuable, friendship, or the chance at something more. If it fails then its the price to be paid.

Plus its hard to stay in a friendship when you have feelings for someone. Better off possibly taking the risk then cutting the person out of your life if it fails because that's never going to be a normal friendship, at least from what I've observed.
 
Thank you everyone so much for your thoughtful responses! I appreciate all the comments saying "just move on," so I'd like to explain myself a bit more. I take all experiences in life like this as a way to more deeply understand humanity and to illuminate which parts of me need to be healed. I definitely want someone who also wants me romantically, so I am moving on, no doubt. Sorry if my initial post came off otherwise. All these questions I'm posing and musings are a part of my process, which, undoubtedly, one that leans in. Some may see it as unproductive or self-defeating or even masochistic, but I've learned over time that it's my gift to "face the music," if you will, at times like these. I actively lean in and I am able to meet and chat with the inner demons that come up - and I learn and grow immensely from it... I learn so much nuance about myself, people, human nature, relationships, which all brings deep healing. Just wanted to share the perspective from which I'm approaching this.

Having said all that, being an ENFP, at times like these, asking lots of questions and entertaining/exploring possibilities is how I process. So, truly thank you everyone for your responses. Hearing all your different perspectives has helped me process and left me finally in a state of peace with all this this evening!

Everything absolutely happened as it needed to. :) There is no one to blame and we both acted authentically and natural to what we felt. I've very glad I told him when I did (before further feelings developed), so I'm proud I protected myself while honoring my feelings; although I care for him as a friend, what I feel for him, honestly, is mostly infatuation/limerence and I know it. The pain comes from the perceived attachment that the infatuation produces. Nonetheless, it still hurts - but that's because him seeing me just as a friend is showing me old wounds, deeper layers of self-love that I have not healed yet. For that, I am so grateful and that's part of the joy in this journey.

My motto is very much: The only way out is through! So I am letting go in my own way - which is to lean into the questions and the pain, and I am learning so much about different kinds of caring and love and healing. The fact that this man has come into my life, the closest to an ideal partner as I've met, means that I am on the right path. I can't wait to meet the right one for me - and I'm sure he can't wait as well. ;)

Thanks again everyone and have a lovey night! @ReasonEnduring @slant @Aneirin @mintoots @Rit4lin @acd @Peppermint @Fidicen @Asa
 
ReasonEnduring said:
I have mixed feelings about this.

On the one hand my realtionships that changed from friendship into something more were good because we had a common ground to stand on. When they fell apart it was usually something they'd been lying or dishonest about during our friendship which became apparent the more we were together.

My wife was pretty much my best friend before we were togther, we always had a strong connection.

That said, not every friendship is relationship material.

Some people are too different, some people just have preferences you don't fit. Eye colour, hair colour etc.

Sometimes situations just don;t work out.

True if you are both looking for something like as you say on a dating site it makes it easier for common intent.

Basically you just have to be careful. Can be worth a try but it depends whats more valuable, friendship, or the chance at something more. If it fails then its the price to be paid.

Plus its hard to stay in a friendship when you have feelings for someone. Better off possibly taking the risk then cutting the person out of your life if it fails because that's never going to be a normal friendship, at least from what I've observed.
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I mean in the context of: you make a pass at a friend, they say no. It would be unhealthy to stay in that friendship thinking it would progress to romance. If a friendship evolves into that naturally, that's one thing. But if one of you are in the friendship hoping it turns into something else (and worse you don't communicate that ever) then that to me is a problem.

It's better to go on dates and have intentions of dating from the start than to start out every friendship with the opposite sex as a potential sexual partner. That's just a terrible way to live.
 
slant said:
I mean in the context of: you make a pass at a friend, they say no. It would be unhealthy to stay in that friendship thinking it would progress to romance. If a friendship evolves into that naturally, that's one thing. But if one of you are in the friendship hoping it turns into something else (and worse you don't communicate that ever) then that to me is a problem.

It's better to go on dates and have intentions of dating from the start than to start out every friendship with the opposite sex as a potential sexual partner. That's just a terrible way to live.
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Oh absolutely.
 
The more we open up with each other in private, the more we desire it. The more another listens and shares of their thoughts and feelings, we start looking forward to talking with them. We find ourselves connected in some form, and it can grow into deeper feelings. Speaking so others can understand us better can be difficult at times. Finding someone that understands us can be a real treat. We may cleave to it and yearn for it.

Speaking with all the grammar one has learned can be made fun of by those who do not understand it. We may seek more level communication grounds. Speaking with someone on the same level of understanding can be enjoyable. Understanding each other is a need we all have. We may feel another is meeting our own needs; thus, get confused regarding where we are and where we could be. We may get confused: should I stay or should I go?


Of course, we may make wrong choices. We may stay where we are, rather than go somewhere else we may feel more comfortable. We may scare away a friend in hopes of more. We may let a friend down in search of a better life. If it is at the cost of helping destroy another's life, we have even more difficult decisions. It is in our nature to climb a ladder, but we should not infringe on another's happiness along our way. Should we do so, we have faced a most difficult step in our climb.

Friends are hard to come by.
 
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fabulousworld said:
Hello lovely people!

I (ENFP-T, early 30's) recently told an INFJ-A male (mid-30's) that I am starting to have feelings for him and he said that he just sees me as a friend. We've been friends for a year with deep conversations (phone and video) that last hours - up to 6 hours sometimes. Our conversations go deep and intimate and he's also expressed on various occasions how he feels that our friendship is unique, that we get each other in an intuitive way that he doesn't have with anyone else, and that we help build each other up. He also once spent 5-10 minutes sharing deep and specific things that he values about me, which was an intense experience for me. I consider myself attractive, but we live on opposite sides of the country and have never met in-person, so that might be a factor?

When I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him, he took a moment to think and responded, "I just see you as a friend. One that I really like and value and appreciate, but just as a friend." There was no wavering or doubt in his tone of voice. I also see him as someone with integrity, groundedness, self-awareness and confidence, so I trust that he said what he meant.

Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you!
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Friend, for me at least, and I am an INFJ so I can maybe understand what your friend is going through, being someone's friend, indeed part of their chosen family, is so much closer than having to deal with messy stuff like sex and romance and the feeling that you can't tell each other everything and anxiety around those. Also, most INFJs think of their close friends with an intensity and strength of friendship that is typically viewed as romantic.
 
A lot of people have pretty much said what I thought when reading this... but it seemed like certain actions of his that you interpreted as him being interested, was just him being an INFJ. Like, how he remembered you when he saw certain pictures, how he remembered certain details about you, how your conversations lasted for hours and were so deep..... that’s just us as INFJ’s. We could be like that to just about anyone, and even moreso to those who reciprocate it to us. Because of these tendencies, my husband tends to think I’m a flirt or that I’m falling in love with other people. Truth is, we are just very compassionate and caring people. Sorry, friend. I’m glad to hear you’ve moved on.
 
Pin said:
Oh, I have a weakness for quiet women.

Always have.
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it’s okay if they’re a little quiet but I like the confrontational, goofy, bit of an ass sometimes, kind of gals.

I would friend zone someone if there’s just nothing there. Usually it’s just based on attraction. If you’re not funny or cute, I don’t want it.
 
Amaterasu said:
it’s okay if they’re a little quiet but I like the confrontational, goofy, bit of an ass sometimes, kind of gals.

I would friend zone someone if there’s just nothing there. Usually it’s just based on attraction. If you’re not funny or cute, I don’t want it.
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Honestly, the best way to git da gurlz is to join the military and conquer the world.

That's the way you do it.
 
INFJ’s are very complex when it come to romantic love. He may have some in mind already or he is just not looking for a relationship rn. INFJ’s not only have to be attracted to someone but get to know them better too. They have to have there heart and mind open from them to love you back so yeah sorry this happened for you but I am sure you will find someone new (♥ó㉨ò)ﾉ♡
 
slant said:
In the back of my mind I always have wanted to ask him:

Why did you ask me if you could touch me that night?

He initiated it, I didn't.

But I've never asked him that.

Want to know why?

It doesn't matter why he asked. He doesn't want to date me. I moved on. We're still good friends.
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I Know this thread isn’t about you, I don’t mean to stir anything up, and it might be too late now but- I would argue that it does matter in your situation with your co-worker.

Friendships between heterosexual men and women should have different boundaries than friendships between two heterosexual people of the same sex. Cuddling someone all night crosses those boundaries from my perspective and very easily gives someone the wrong idea. It matters that you tell him so that he understands that. You had every reason to think he had feelings for you.
 
Poppyseed said:
I Know this thread isn’t about you, I don’t mean to stir anything up, and it might be too late now but- I would argue that it does matter in your situation with your co-worker.

Friendships between heterosexual men and women should have different boundaries than friendships between two heterosexual people of the same sex. Cuddling someone all night crosses those boundaries from my perspective and very easily gives someone the wrong idea. It matters that you tell him so that he understands that. You had every reason to think he had feelings for you.
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Some people are just confused. He described himself to me once as a "hot mess" and apologized for it. I don't want to be involved with someone who is so caught up in their own problems that they're unable to be there for me, that they make decisions without thinking about the impact it may have had on me. I actually broke the friendship off with him. Not formally, but just stopped talking to him and going to events where I would see him. It was the right thing to do.
 
fabulousworld said:
Hello lovely people!

I (ENFP-T, early 30's) recently told an INFJ-A male (mid-30's) that I am starting to have feelings for him and he said that he just sees me as a friend. We've been friends for a year with deep conversations (phone and video) that last hours - up to 6 hours sometimes. Our conversations go deep and intimate and he's also expressed on various occasions how he feels that our friendship is unique, that we get each other in an intuitive way that he doesn't have with anyone else, and that we help build each other up. He also once spent 5-10 minutes sharing deep and specific things that he values about me, which was an intense experience for me. I consider myself attractive, but we live on opposite sides of the country and have never met in-person, so that might be a factor?

When I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him, he took a moment to think and responded, "I just see you as a friend. One that I really like and value and appreciate, but just as a friend." There was no wavering or doubt in his tone of voice. I also see him as someone with integrity, groundedness, self-awareness and confidence, so I trust that he said what he meant.

Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you!
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I don’t know what it’s like for male INFJs but I find men very easily misconstrue my friendliness as interest. So much so that early on I subconsciously started to ignore them because the thought of having to reject some crushes me and the likelihood that I would have to is large. Not because I’m someone men fall for but because I very rarely meet men I’m romantically interested in.

I have been in this situation a few time with guy friend I met online but never in person. I valued them as a person but couldn’t see myself with them romantically. Maybe if we lived closer it’s possible I’d explore it, but in a situation where we’d never met in person and they live far away I’d have to have very strong feelings to even consider it.

I have to confess, I do feel like I led them on by talking to them every day for long periods. It wasn’t my intention but looking back I can see how it would cross a boundary and give the impression I was interested in them romantically. Honestly, I was lonely and in a way I was selfishly using their male companionship to feel better.

I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening here.

I’ve also been friend zoned. I asked out my friend, we saw a movie and he told me very nicely this wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was awkward for a bit but we were both mature enough to move past it. We’re still friends, he married my best friend and I’m Aunty to their kids.

It hurts to be rejected, but my biggest concern is will they be able to maintain the friendship? That’s where I’m at right now- I reconnected with an old friend and realized I have feeling for him. He’s also an INFJ and has given me no obvious signs he’s interested in me romantically. I’ve given him no obvious signs either (that’s not something I’m good at). I also just found out he’s recovering from a breakup. So I will be his friend but when the timing is right I have to tell him I have feelings for him otherwise it will drive me crazy. If he’s not attracted to me it will sting and it will be awkward but if he’s mature enough to maintain the friendship I think it will bring us closer.

And if he is attracted to me then all the better!
 
Poppyseed said:
I don’t know what it’s like for male INFJs but I find men very easily misconstrue my friendliness as interest. So much so that early on I subconsciously started to ignore them because the thought of having to reject some crushes me and the likelihood that I would have to is large. Not because I’m someone men fall for but because I very rarely meet men I’m romantically interested in.

I have been in this situation a few time with guy friend I met online but never in person. I valued them as a person but couldn’t see myself with them romantically. Maybe if we lived closer it’s possible I’d explore it, but in a situation where we’d never met in person and they live far away I’d have to have very strong feelings to even consider it.

I have to confess, I do feel like I led them on by talking to them every day for long periods. It wasn’t my intention but looking back I can see how it would cross a boundary and give the impression I was interested in them romantically. Honestly, I was lonely and in a way I was selfishly using their male companionship to feel better.

I’m not sure if that’s what’s happening here.

I’ve also been friend zoned. I asked out my friend, we saw a movie and he told me very nicely this wasn’t going to go anywhere. It was awkward for a bit but we were both mature enough to move past it. We’re still friends, he married my best friend and I’m Aunty to their kids.

It hurts to be rejected, but my biggest concern is will they be able to maintain the friendship? That’s where I’m at right now- I reconnected with an old friend and realized I have feeling for him. He’s also an INFJ and has given me no obvious signs he’s interested in me romantically. I’ve given him no obvious signs either (that’s not something I’m good at). I also just found out he’s recovering from a breakup. So I will be his friend but when the timing is right I have to tell him I have feelings for him otherwise it will drive me crazy. If he’s not attracted to me it will sting and it will be awkward but if he’s mature enough to maintain the friendship I think it will bring us closer.

And if he is attracted to me then all the better!
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It's funny how the vast majority of these problems can be solved with a ten second open conversation.

But everyone's addicted to the mystery dance.
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
It's funny how the vast majority of these problems can be solved with a ten second open conversation.

But everyone's addicted to the mystery dance.
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You are so right.

But then it’s a case of a simple solution that’s difficult to execute. It requires you to be vulnerable and in circumstances where a friendship is established, you risk losing that friendship.

I think it’s almost always worth the risk but risks are scary regardless of whether they’re worth it or not.

I’d argue that for an INFJ the stakes are higher. I so rarely meet someone I’m interested in so when I’m rejected by them it hits a little harder because it could be years before anyone else peaks my interest. Not to mention for me personally, the guys I’m interested in have never reciprocated- hard not to take that personally. I’m not unattractive but so far no one I’m attracted to has been attracted to me.
 
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