[INFJ] Is door slamming a conscious decision?

[ClevelandINTP]

I first encountered the term doorslam about 5 years ago. I realized I had done a few doorslams in my life. I really didn't have words for it personally and I really wasn't aware that I had made a formal decision to doorslam some of my people. All of my people I didn't give an explanation, I just ghosted and moved on. I reached out to everyone I could remember that would meet up that I walked out on and apologized, and told them why. I rebuilt 2 friendships. It was good to provide and get closure. It was equally important to me and them. I understand myself and now actively tell people if I need to step back or if the relationship is changing.


Guilty as charged. Problem with this for myself is that it's obvious to me. Like painfully obvious. I'm learning that it's not obvious. Maybe an Ni/Fe thing? I'm actively trying to express my thoughts and emotions. Serving the whole enchilada.

when i say spelled out, it's not that i don't think people have an "idea" of why you're disappointed in them--it's that we're not mind readers. we can't possibly know every reason and detail behind it as some of them have to do with your past experiences, your own inability to cope with the situation in a healthy way or just wanting to focus more of your attention on other things

closure is a thing

i've tried recently whenever I want to "move on" to just say, i personally can't endure this connection with my current focus. make it about you, not them. even tell them why if it's a past experience, personal values or new directions

S P E L L
I T
O U T

i have a zero maintaining connection policy on all romantic relationships post-breakup

it has nothing to do with them, it's i don't find it healthy for me to expend energy on something that's no more when there's so much i could achieve by focusing on other things

 

[JustPhil]

when i say spelled out, it's not that i don't think people have an "idea" of why you're disappointed in them--it's that we're not mind readers. we can't possibly know every reason and detail behind it as some of them have to do with your past experiences, your own inability to cope with the situation in a healthy way or just wanting to focus more of your attention on other things

closure is a thing

i've tried recently whenever I want to "move on" to just say, i personally can't endure this connection with my current focus. make it about you, not them. even tell them why if it's a past experience, personal values or new directions

S P E L L
I T
O U T

i have a zero maintaining connection policy on all romantic relationships post-breakup

it has nothing to do with them, it's i don't find it healthy for me to expend energy on something that's no more when there's so much i could achieve by focusing on other things

no comprende

But now I'll ask a serious question of those that have door slammed those they have loved.

You say you "remove" them from your life, but that is only physically right? Like, do you also mentally shut them out as well?

I ask this as I door slam people but if they were my partner, i can't erase the memory of them. I will be cold or look or walk the other way if I see them on the street, but my MIND .. my mind loves them and all I feel is this huge emotion when alone that I've made a terrible mistake, that when I think about it further realise I haven't and it is better this way. But my god .. I still love them with all my heart and can't stop thinking about them. I just know that they are not my type of person. That they are not people I will associate with any more ..

I cannot shut them out .. and I don't even try any more .. I just accept it and lean into it.

 

[JennyDaniella]

For me personally, door-slamming is a last resort and never do I intend it for malicious nor manipulative intent.

It’s always reserved for very serious situations of self-preservation and a way of protecting myself emotionally and mentally from toxicity that places a heavy weight on my shoulders that I no longer wish to interact and deal with. So it’s rather a conscious and instinctual action to protect myself rather than the sole purpose on hurting someone else—which goes against who I stand for as a person and never wish to hurt others.

I’ve only door-slammed twice in my life, and I hope to only keep it at this rate. I never like to permanently distance myself from people especially in such a cold manner, but INFJs can really take so much until we just get fed up completely and have no emotional energy to deal with any extreme negative behavior and/or boundaries that keep being crossed.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

no comprende

But now I'll ask a serious question of those that have door slammed those they have loved.

You say you "remove" them from your life, but that is only physically right? Like, do you also mentally shut them out as well?

I ask this as I door slam people but if they were my partner, i can't erase the memory of them. I will be cold or look or walk the other way if I see them on the street, but my MIND .. my mind loves them and all I feel is this huge emotion when alone that I've made a terrible mistake, that when I think about it further realise I haven't and it is better this way. But my god .. I still love them with all my heart and can't stop thinking about them. I just know that they are not my type of person. That they are not people I will associate with any more ..

I cannot shut them out .. and I don't even try any more .. I just accept it and lean into it.

yeah, i shut people out 100%

physically, mentally and emotionally

INTP > Ti > I prize my thoughts > My thoughts are my soul

I don't want that clogged up. I might gather insight into my own experience and life, but it is 100% in the spirit of looking forward and not backward

 

[Anne38]

Sorry that I've been MIA on this thread. It's been an incredibly busy and taxing couple of weeks! I can honestly only think of one individual that I have 100% door slammed (emotionally and physically). I have NO contact with this person and it came after years and years of spelling out what I expected and trying to make something work. He is a person whom I am tied to by marriage and breaking away was extremely hard. By the time it actually happened, I loathed him. I'm not sorry he is gone. I'm relieved, and I feel no guilt about the door slam. This might sound harsh, but it is the reality. My life is better without him. I wish I could cut him out further. I still hear about him occasionally because of our relation, but I wish I wouldn't.

More frequently, I have emotionally door slammed people. That is what sneaks up on me. Honestly, I'm as surprised as they are. There is a "last straw" and I'm gone. I may interact with them if I have to, and may genuinely wish that I felt differently, but the trust is gone. Emotionally, my guard is up and I can't open up anymore. Not that it hsppens often, but I'd say that there are 4 or 5 people out there that this has happened with.

Still, it's far from a manipulative tactic. I don't want something from them. I'm not trying to get them to behave a certain way. I'm actually sad that it has happened. It's just over....

 

[Skrimpshidy]

A lot of these replies registered well with me.....at one time. Now it’s a conscious decision. Lots of thought has gone into it.
There are some I still hurt about time to time. Though I don’t give two shits about at the same time. That’s because I’ve invested in them. It hasn’t been many, but at my age it’s been a lot.

If I do door slam you, it comes with an explanation, or a tongue lashing that makes the devil tell me to calm down. The latter is usually after abuse of some kind.
Others, I just explain the problems.

I find the whole concept of door slams immature and particularly cruel in some cases, even if done politely. It is a protective mode. I also find previous to the event, chance are given. BUT! It’s usually done in a passive aggressive way or hints. It’s better to be direct, explain the hurtful behaviors and give a real chance for apologies and change.

Often times humans have no clue or even intentions of how they act. Especially if they’ve experienced years of abuse or manipulation. There’s so much more that goes into their behavior. Intentions to me mean everything in these situations.

Even if I do door slam, there’s a good chance I’ll open it back up for you with the proper apology and actions. Though I make it hard for you to contact me.

 

[wolly.green]

I was looking on another board that was talking about INFJ doorslam. Someone described as a "tactic" used by INFJ, like it was a form of manipulation or control. At the very least this person thought it was a controllable decision.

Personally I feel like it's a deep part of my brain that door slams. If I do it, it's after I have given the person EVERY opportunity to redeem themselves, but they screwed me yet again. Granted, it's sudden. A switch flips and it's over. There have been times when I wish I coukd make it work though. I might even try to speak to them if hopes of feeling differently, but the door is shut. Emotionally they are dead to me.

Do you feel the same way, or do you plan a door slam?

The 'doorslam' is not an INFJ thing. I suspect its only INFJ's that think it is an INFJ thing because they feel so damn responsible for others feelings. When they 'slam the door' on someone, its a really big deal. Doing it could hurt their feelings. Doing it could make them feel lonely, depressed and unworthy of love, which is not what INFJ's want. So when they do eventually 'door slam', it sticks out like a poop in the toilet. It feels awful, but is sometimes completely necessary. What they don't realize, however, is that ENTP's also slam doors. In fact, I would argue we do it more since we do not feel that strong responsibility for others emotions.

 

[Skrimpshidy]

The 'doorslam' is not an INFJ thing. I suspect its only INFJ's that think it is an INFJ thing because they feel so damn responsible for others feelings. When they 'slam the door' on someone, its a really big deal. Doing it could hurt their feelings. Doing it could make them feel lonely, depressed and unworthy of love, which is not what INFJ's want. So when they do eventually 'door slam', it sticks out like a poop in the toilet. It feels awful, but is sometimes completely necessary. What they don't realize, however, is that ENTP's also slam doors. In fact, I would argue we do it more since we do not feel that strong responsibility for others emotions.

I agree.

I door slammed an ENTP friend of 25 years once. I was very gentle about it. He proceeded to send me messages as long as a book several times a day every day for almost a year. Cussing me out, calling me narcissist, every name under the sun, insulting everything about me and my life, musical talents, etc

Edited to add. He did apologize sincerely. Let him back in. A couple years later, I did it again. Haven’t heard a word since.

 

[JustPhil]

I think the doorslam is a "last resort" for relationships. It's basically when you have "spelled everything out" in the kindest and most patient way possible short of blowing up on someone or hurting them. I think the doorslam is healthy in some circumstances because using the effort required to try to "mend" the relationship when you already tried everything is not worth it. It's unhealthy for you and unhealthy for the other party. You are actually saving the other party a pointless show of wrath by doorslamming. I've gone both ways in my life - the quiet "ghosting" and the lashing out physically and emotionally. I'd take the former over the latter every-time.

Love this post Maikl .. yes, why get angry and blow up when all your best efforts to show the person that they are out of line have been for nought. I think in a lot of cases as well other people quite enjoy twisting your words if you do try to explain to them. So I will doorslam after discussing the problem with the person.

DIscussing it further again with someone that

- can twist your words
- can make you feel less than you are
- can gaslight you (in a way - by saying that this or that did or didn't happen)
- becomes argumentative
- doesn't seem to even want to learn from the message you have given them (sticks head in the sand etc)

is a lesson in futility and makes you the subject of the last point in the list!

I don't think anyone doorslams without a lot of thought and it being the only viable solution. That is why it is so final.

 

[wolly.green]

I agree.

I door slammed an ENTP friend of 25 years once. I was very gentle about it. He proceeded to send me messages as long as a book several times a day every day for almost a year. Cussing me out, calling me narcissist, every name under the sun, insulting everything about me and my life, musical talents, etc

Edited to add. He did apologize sincerely. Let him back in. A couple years later, I did it again. Haven’t heard a word since.

Are you sure he was an ENTP and not IxTP or ExTJ? I don't mean to be rude, its just my understanding is that ExxP's generally don't have trouble moving on from rejection.

 

[Skrimpshidy]

Are you sure he was an ENTP and not IxTP or ExTJ? I don't mean to be rude, its just my understanding is that ExxP's generally don't have trouble moving on from rejection.

Well, yes I’m sure 100%. It was a life long friend. We were really close growing up. His mom was like my mom. I kind of blind sided him. At the time he was also an alcoholic.

I think he may have some ego issues due to his change in life style and illusions of fame and adventure. There’s more to the story.

 

[Cookie]

Most of the time it isn't a conscious decision for me. Often just a reaction to being betrayed, or truly mistreated. A few times though I've made the decision to do so, mostly because of the way I saw that person treat others, or the way they tried to manipulate or control another person.

In some rare cases I'm open to unlocking the door and entertaining the idea of opening it up again for a few people, but none have proven worth even unlocking it so far.

Once someone has betrayed me I will do no work into "fixing" things, I was not the one that fucked up, I was not the one that lied and deceived and betrayed. If I was at fault I would admit it. If one of those people would like the door open again, they have a lot of work to do to get my trust or friendship back. And I will probably never fully trust them. Always keeping them in arms length apart from me, keeping my heart guarded from you another betrayal. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

It's okay to forgive but not to forget.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Door slams are power moves pure and simple

They are unhealthy for the relationship before and after the slam

 

[ClevelandINTP]

And they certainly don't promote a relationship as safe and accepting

 

[Ren]

I think door slamming is a semi-conscious decision.

It is conscious in the sense that the INFJ knows quite well what they're doing. But it also involves the ability on the part of the INFJ to clear the area of mindspace that used to be occupied by the door slammed person. Normally an INFJ door slam is really 'legit' when the INFJ truly and honestly doesn't really even think about the person that much anymore afterwards. And in that way the person slips out of consciousness. It's brutal to the other side sometimes because they usually cannot see that the INFJ had been mentally preparing for that move weeks, even months prior to making the final decision. The INFJ doesn't know exactly when the decision will be made but sooner or later gets a sense that it's coming.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

Normally an INFJ door slam is really 'legit' when the INFJ truly and honestly doesn't really even think about the person that much anymore afterwards. And in that way the person slips out of consciousness

This sounds really selfish, sorry. Like it only counts if it counts for you

It's brutal to the other side sometimes because they usually cannot see that the INFJ had been mentally preparing for that move weeks, even months prior to making the final decision. The INFJ doesn't know exactly when the decision will be made but sooner or later gets a sense that it's coming.

Feels like it comes from a place of conflict avoidance and keeping harmony. The irony is the door slam accomplishes neither between those two souls, so I urge INFJs to consider giving that some real thought

Are you saying it's brutal because the slamee thinks it's out of nowhere? Honestly, it's more brutal if you're putting a lot of thought behind it, and then that is what you come up with

 

[ClevelandINTP]

It's like the difference between manslaughter and pre-meditated homicide

Not a perfect analogy, but I want it to be humored

 

[Ren]

This sounds really selfish, sorry. Like it only counts if it counts for you

No need to say sorry, I think that in many cases it has a definite selfish side to it.

Are you saying it's brutal because the slamee thinks it's out of nowhere? Honestly, it's more brutal if you're putting a lot of thought behind it, and then that is what you come up with

I think the slamee realizes eventually that a lot of thought went into it, but not being told explicitly why can be quite brutal.

 

[Ren]

It's like the difference between manslaughter and pre-meditated homicide

Not a perfect analogy, but I want it to be humored

I get where you're coming from but I think the analogy is slippery because the premises don't match.

A door slam is often a far from ideal solution to a problem that nevertheless exists and may cause the INFJ a great deal of suffering.

I generally agree with you that it's selfish, though. And not particularly courageous.

 

[ClevelandINTP]

No need to say sorry, I think that in many cases it has a definite selfish side to it.



I think the slamee realizes eventually that a lot of thought went into it, but not being told explicitly why can be quite brutal.

Yeah, the omission leaves a sense of limbo. Certainly doesn't provide closure for a clean slam