Is love truly complicated?

[arbygil]

Love is complicated, they say...or is it?

Maybe I'm too old, or maybe too cynical, but I have to ask because I keep seeing it over and over again. Why do people complain about having a dramatic, volatile relationship when they wanted an exciting, mysterious, enticing individual? And why do people complain that they have a dull, emotionless cyborg for a mate when they asked for a good provider who happens to be very stable?

I'm not saying these are the stereotypical examples. In fact, these are usually the extreme ends. But often times people love certain parts of their boyfriends/girlfriends/mates without considering the bigger picture. None of us are magazine ads or TV commercials. We are all multidimensional facets of a flawed being. The next time you have expectations for someone and want all the mystery, recognize that mysterious could also mean volatile, secretive, conniving, and moody. The next time you want "stable" remember that this could also mean dull, boring, ordinary, and less fun than you were expecting. Not that these things would always happen, but, sometimes they do.

There is no such thing as perfect relationships - so why do we idolize them? Why do we fall in love with the idea of love without taking the truth into consideration? Why is it so tough for couples to love the whole person, warts and all, and see past the shell, and stay together? If we truly want to be in love and stay in love, shouldn't we consider that part of the relationship will require hard work? Are we willing to put in the time for the hard work, or is the idea of love more important than reality?

Heh. Yes, this is just me ranting. But if anyone feels like answering feel free to do so.

 

[Shaqie]

It's easy! F'cking chemicals doing sh't in your brain.

 

[JGirl]

i think people are complicated.
we complicate love by trying to pinpoint what it is and what it means to us specifically in any given situation.

 

[Solongo]

Illusions and fantasies give love a bad name. Love in itself is basic and all it requires is the ability to give to others. Not understanding the mechanics of human desire and psychology makes it seems like love is complicated but it's not. Love comes to those who are open and honest and not to those full of built in psychological issues that traps the individual.

 

[Gaze]

I think it's complicated because we keep expecting people to be everything they aren't or can't be. We have too low or too high expectations, too many extremes. We also give someone the involuntary responsibility of fulfilling our desires and exceeding our dreams. We pretty much expect someone to market themselves as superhuman and then are shocked when they're not the ideal we wanted and expected them to be. But we're human so we are not always reasonable or fair in our dealings with the other members of the human race.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

i assume by complicated, you simply mean having a dilemma.

 

[arbygil]

i assume by complicated, you simply mean having a dilemma.

Not necessarily; I personally don't see love as an either/or situation, or even as a dilemma. To me, it's important to love and embrace the entire person, not just the stuff that draws us to him or her. And I wonder if we're all truly prepared to do so. I have to ask the question of myself, too, but I don't think it's a dilemma. A puzzle, maybe.

 

[rawr]

at its base, i don't think it is/should be. We humans tend to make it so, however.

 

[the]

I love everyone so its no prob.

 

[Rcs6r]

Love is constipated.

 

[Rcs6r]

I'm not saying these are the stereotypical examples. In fact, these are usually the extreme ends. But often times people love certain parts of their boyfriends/girlfriends/mates without considering the bigger picture. None of us are magazine ads or TV commercials. We are all multidimensional facets of a flawed being. The next time you have expectations for someone and want all the mystery, recognize that mysterious could also mean volatile, secretive, conniving, and moody. The next time you want "stable" remember that this could also mean dull, boring, ordinary, and less fun than you were expecting. Not that these things would always happen, but, sometimes they do.

I wouldn't use the word "perfect," but "enduring" relationship instead for the ones that last a long time and are satisfying for both parties. Certainly each relationship contains some of what you listed above, but in a good relationship you see past or tolerate the negative aspects; while the fun/exciting bits happen spontaneously, which is what keeps them fun and exciting. If you were to have a fun, crazy date each time, it would wear out the uniqueness of the situation.

Also the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is pretty true I find. Most people need their space alone or with friends, so taking time off from your partner makes the relationship more durable, in my opinion.

 

[Gaze]

I also think it's because sometimes we're too in love with the idea of love and we go into dating or relationships believing in this idea of the "perfect" person for us. We expect almost complete compatibility, expecting to like or love every aspect of a partner immediately. If we don't, then we find something wrong and assume it's not a fit or match, and won't work out, rather than seeing these differences as something to work through. We don't think of love as something which develops and grows. I've often heard this mantra put out there today where many keep selling the younger generation on this idea that if they don't like or love everything about someone instantly, then it's not "real" love. In other words, we've romanticized or idealized love, expecting it to be perfect all the way.

 

[sprinkles]

People truly complicate things by imposing their complicated ideas about things.

Take binary for example. It is the simplest math in the universe that can do multiplication and division, and is the second simplest in addition and subtraction, only behind unary. Yet many people find it to be incomprehensible, because they think they need a whole ten symbols. It's so ingrained that those ten symbols ARE numbers to most people, and the only kind of numbers there are.

I think love is the same way. Deceptively simple and made overly complicated.

 

[knight in battle]

We are all multidimensional facets of a flawed being. The next time you have expectations for someone and want all the mystery, recognize that mysterious could also mean volatile, secretive, conniving, and moody. The next time you want "stable" remember that this could also mean dull, boring, ordinary, and less fun than you were expecting.

I've experienced excellent examples of this in real life. People display only a bit of their personality in any given situation, so I have a tendency to fill in the void with my own fancies. If we are looking hard enough for warts, I'm sure we'll find them. In fact, I often love a person better after seeing "warts," because I was meant to see them in their multifacetedness.

There is no such thing as perfect relationships - so why do we idolize them? Why do we fall in love with the idea of love without taking the truth into consideration? Why is it so tough for couples to love the whole person, warts and all, and see past the shell, and stay together? If we truly want to be in love and stay in love, shouldn't we consider that part of the relationship will require hard work? Are we willing to put in the time for the hard work, or is the idea of love more important than reality?

People prefer perfect relationships, so it's quite tempting to see only the parts that seem perfect. As long as this seeing doesn't result in unacceptable levels of pain, one is willing to put up with it.

 

[sassafras]

Love itself isn't complicated. Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. People have all kinds of crazy ideas about what love is or isn't or what makes a good relationship. People's priorities change, they change, and if the relationship isn't able to stand up to the rigors of those changing dynamics, there is friction.

In general, though, I think part of the reason has to do with how we as a society view love.

The general consensus in society is that you should be with someone who makes you happy. I agree with this, to some extent, but the problem is, a lot of people have a very narrow idea of what happiness is. For many people, happiness is associated with being able to satisfy a need that eludes them or remains unfulfilled, so they often seek a partner that can fulfill that need. However, once that need is met, the anticipation fizzles and what they are left with is a relationship that requires growth. However, growth doesn't always bring about pleasant feelings; in fact, it often draws attention to what is missing and demands work. Unfortunately, most people don't like work or they get hung up on the fact that 'something is missing' and interpret that as being 'unhappy with the relationship' and then begin to look elsewhere, usually to another partner, to fulfill that need... and then the cycle continues.

Personally, I'm convinced that true happiness is progress. Think about it. Getting a job, getting girl/guy, gaining an inheritance, losing an extra pound, getting a hug from someone when you felt down, finally understanding a frustrating concept in school, etc. Whether you got it through dumb luck or hard work, I guarantee that you felt happy when life allowed you to take a nice, big step in a positive direction. Whenever you stagnated or backslided, however, that when you were unhappy. This is why sometimes people who have everything they could ever need are sometimes so unhappy with the things that they thought would make them happy. Once you get to the top, there's seemingly nowhere else to go. The answer to unhappiness, then, is finding new ways you can grow.

I'm convinced that this is the reason people suggest you should keep things 'fresh' with your partner. It's isn't that variation (uncertainty) makes things exciting; it's just that going from one variable state to another is progress. I mean, think about why make-up sex is always so gratifying. You've got from being on the brink of an outright war to fucking each others brains out. New, unusual experiences also mean learning and learning is also gratifying because there's progress. When you're learning and growing together (by doing things that are important to you both), you've got a healthier, happier relationship.

 

[arbygil]

Love itself isn't complicated. Relationships are complicated because people are complicated. People have all kinds of crazy ideas about what love is or isn't or what makes a good relationship. People's priorities change, they change, and if the relationship isn't able to stand up to the rigors of those changing dynamics, there is friction.

I agree with this - and I submit that it's even more than this. That in a mature relationship, where two people have accepted that they aren't perfect but they love one another anyway, they'll accept the changes as part of growth of the relationship - which means getting to know this new, maturing, dynamic individual who isn't the same person that they met. No, in fact, this person is even better.

I'll even go so far to say that relationships should have bumpy roads and rocky middles, but only to get to the level of maturity underneath. But hear me out: I'm not saying every relationship can or should be a mature one. Some relationships can't be, because one or both of the people in it are either immature or not ready, or worse - abusive. But I think growth is part of love. But love doesn't necessarily equate with an emotional or chemical response. Sometimes it's a touch after a hard day. Sometimes it's biting back a criticism that could've been said. Other times it's simply being in the same room with someone while you both do separate things because you like being in the other person's presence.

I submit that love is less of an emotion and more of an ongoing state of being (if I can be poetic for a moment). It's a maturing of two people who suddenly find themselves as best friends after the stronger emotions have burned off. That's what I imagine a "true love" is. And yes it can be complicated, but maybe not as complicated as we make it out to be.

 

[sassafras]

I agree with this - and I submit that it's even more than this. That in a mature relationship, where two people have accepted that they aren't perfect but they love one another anyway, they'll accept the changes as part of growth of the relationship - which means getting to know this new, maturing, dynamic individual who isn't the same person that they met. No, in fact, this person is even better.

I'll even go so far to say that relationships should have bumpy roads and rocky middles, but only to get to the level of maturity underneath. But hear me out: I'm not saying every relationship can or should be a mature one. Some relationships can't be, because one or both of the people in it are either immature or not ready, or worse - abusive. But I think growth is part of love. But love doesn't necessarily equate with an emotional or chemical response. Sometimes it's a touch after a hard day. Sometimes it's biting back a criticism that could've been said. Other times it's simply being in the same room with someone while you both do separate things because you like being in the other person's presence.

I submit that love is less of an emotion and more of an ongoing state of being (if I can be poetic for a moment). It's a maturing of two people who suddenly find themselves as best friends after the stronger emotions have burned off. That's what I imagine a "true love" is. And yes it can be complicated, but maybe not as complicated as we make it out to be.

I agree with everything, but especially the bolded part. If you really think about it, at the core of love is acceptance. It's not an energetic, exciting emotion but rather an all encompassing wholeness. I like to think of it as being composed of all the residue of all the other feelings that has settled and calcified into a solid foundation that sets the stage for the rest of the relationship. That's what people mean when they say another person has become a part of them. They're completely woven into your being so much so that you almost don't notice it anymore because it's such a natural part of you that you accept them much the same way you accept yourself.

As for relationship needing bumpy roads and rocky middles, I totally agree there as well. Again, I believe that all happiness (individual or in a relationship) is related to growth. I strongly believe that we attract the people and the situation that we need to grow as people. The relationships that stick around are the ones that either encourage or step in line with our progress. This even goes for the very bad relationships. They all have something to teach us--and if a negative pattern keeps showing up in our life, I think we need to examine what lessons these relationships are teaching us so that we can change and quit subconsciously attracting the same thing over and over again.