Knowing when to chill

[Wyst]

So last night was awesome. Definitely dropped some cash on dinner but it was worth it. We were at the restaurant for about two hours and then went out to a field to watch fireworks.

I had some camping chairs and a cooler of fresh berries for us to munch on for dessert. We had the whole field to ourselves. No drunk retards being distracting while acting like idiots.

Toward the end of the night I started talking about our conversation from two weeks ago about being intentional. I pretty much prefaced it by saying that I'm having so much fun hanging out and getting to know her and that I want to continue doing so but that I have no idea what I'm doing and spend a lot of effort trying not to be all up in her face and texting her all the time. Lol.

It actually went REALLY well. She'd been in a long relationship on and off with a guy. She's just now feeling like she's coming back to life. She also affirmed that she's really enjoying getting to know me but is very guarded right now - moreso than she intends to be but it's a self-protection device.

In a roundabout way, my being super-hesitant and erring on the side of not texting her even when I really want to has been and still is very appreciated by her. So we want to continue moving forward but at a fairly relaxed/slow pace. That's going to be tough for me if it drags out over a long period of time but that's what she needs so I'm willing to do what it takes to make sure she feels safe and not rushed with me.

On a random side note, the fact that she likes Ron Paul scored her +50 with me. lol

I get to see her on next Monday! (way sooner than next Friday)

Thank you to all my interwebz frendz for their support, advice, and encouragement!

 

[Wyote]

Glad it's working out. Just keep up the honesty.

 

[That Girl]

/Thumbs Up

Glad things are going well.

 

[Gaze]

Nice

 

[Trifoilum]

congrats, again

 

[Wyst]

Doomed!

Bahaha! Just kidding. Ok.. maybe not... *sigh*

This has been bothering me for about 3 weeks now...
Each time I see or talk to R I think, "It'll be better next time. Don't worry about it. Stay the course!", but then the next time I see her, it never is. The same worry is always there.

I don't think we are connecting. At all. I think we are going out and talking, giving each other a hug, and saying, "Good night." While that is ok with me for the first 5 dates... at some point I seriously began wondering if this is what our interaction is going to be like for the duration of our relationship... OR is this still just weird awkward stage. I'm not sure

In previous posts I've talked about, "Why isn't R texting me back? Am I being to clingy?" etc... But last night was the first time we were together and I literally felt like we weren't even in the same room.

I have a sinking feeling that maybe I'm the problem with this equation and not R. As much as I would like to stick with it and keep trying for another couple of weeks, I'm afraid I have already (involuntarily) made a unilateral decision that this won't work.

 

[Reon]

Bahaha! Just kidding. Ok.. maybe not... *sigh*

This has been bothering me for about 3 weeks now...
Each time I see or talk to R I think, "It'll be better next time. Don't worry about it. Stay the course!", but then the next time I see her, it never is. The same worry is always there.

I don't think we are connecting. At all. I think we are going out and talking, giving each other a hug, and saying, "Good night." While that is ok with me for the first 5 dates... at some point I seriously began wondering if this is what our interaction is going to be like for the duration of our relationship... OR is this still just weird awkward stage. I'm not sure

I don't know R, but for the first five dates, I'd think you would be pass just simple hugs. I can't really tell but there doesn't seem to be much affection between you two. How's the non verbal language? Does she touch you in any way shape or form, does she seem happy and energetic?

In previous posts I've talked about, "Why isn't R texting me back? Am I being to clingy?" etc... But last night was the first time we were together and I literally felt like we weren't even in the same room.

That's not a good sign.

I have a sinking feeling that maybe I'm the problem with this equation and not R. As much as I would like to stick with it and keep trying for another couple of weeks, I'm afraid I have already (involuntarily) made a unilateral decision that this won't work.

It takes two people to be in a relationship. If you both aren't mutually attracted to each other, you should call it off. Some people seem to have chemistry at first, but further down the line they realize they do not. Nothing wrong with that. That's the whole point of dating. Trust your intuition, if the relationship is not going anywhere, it's not going anywhere. Time for you to say good bye.

 

[Ria]

Hey Wyst,

I have been reading your thread. I'm sorry things have taken an awkward turn, but I hope you both manage to communicate about how you are both feeling...

This happens sometimes, and it sounds as though she has been holding back for whatever reason. It's hard when Fe goes into overdrive to think objectively about anything else. However, it may be simply she is holding back for a reason that may confuse her at this point, and she is waiting for clarity in herself.

If some time has passed which I can see that it has, maybe it is time for you to examine this in the form of a simple question... "If none of our history would have been there, would I want this person as a friend?". Sometimes this helps clarify our concerns, and maybe could make her make more sense too.

 

[Wyst]

How's the non verbal language? Does she touch you in any way shape or form, does she seem happy and energetic?

She's never reached out to touch me in any way. No touch on the shoulder to get my attention if I'm looking in a different direction. No kind of teasing AT ALL. Nothing.

That's not a good sign.

Completely agree.

It takes two people to be in a relationship. If you both aren't mutually attracted to each other, you should call it off.

I believe this is inevitable. It was just took me a few times to get over infatuation to see the absence of chemistry.

This happens sometimes, and it sounds as though she has been holding back for whatever reason.

The Friday before last, she told me she'd been in a 6 and a half year relationship and that as a result, is being purposefully guarded, although probably more than she really intends to be.

I can completely understand wanting to be guarded. I mean, heck, the first two weeks we were talking, I was very guarded. But I eventually let my defenses down and showed interest. In the 5 weeks we've been talking/going out, she's never called me/texted me just because. Not once.

As a little experiment, I haven't texted anything to her since Friday night. Haven't heard a peep from her this whole time. So ridiculous it's almost humorous..

 

[bamf]

I'd just feel things out. If you're not feeling any chemistry, that's a sign not to ignore. Try not to get too attached to the situation, and go with the flow. Her not responding might be a sign, or she might think you're avoiding her. Give it until at least this weekend before you give up on the situation.

Also, if she's someone you could see being a friend, keep her around (if that's something you want to do) You could have fun just hanging out, and you might make a friend with whom you can good conversations with. However, don't put all of your eggs in one basket (not that I think you are) Keep looking, and keep active! Someone's out there!

 

[Norwich]

It sounds like you have put a lot of effort into creating the ultimate environment for a relationship to develop. Not feeling any reciprocation must hurt. I'm sorry.

Have you given any thought to Ria's question?

"If none of our history would have been there, would I want this person as a friend?". Sometimes this helps clarify our concerns, and maybe could make her make more sense too.

 

[Wyst]

I'd just feel things out. If you're not feeling any chemistry, that's a sign not to ignore. Try not to get too attached to the situation, and go with the flow. Her not responding might be a sign, or she might think you're avoiding her. Give it until at least this weekend before you give up on the situation.

Oh no - I wasn't thinking about bailing today. I'm probably going to give it until this weekend, maybe longer. Honestly, I probably am avoiding her now. Why? Well that has to do with answering Norwich's and Ria's question below.

Have you given any thought to Ria's question?

Not sure I really want to open dialogue on this topic. I probably haven't been clear with what's going on inside at this point. I think that I'm not interested anymore because I don't feel the chemistry. Before, I was worried that she was the one not feeling and now that the infatuation stage is over, I'm finally realizing there isn't much/any chemistry I'm feeling either.

So... when I put it that way, it sounds like I have already decided... bah! When we said good-bye on Friday night, we didn't talk about when we'd see each other again. I do want to have this talk in person but since we didn't establish a time to meet, I'm not sure when I'll actually get to have the talk.

I think for now, putting in a little distance (and continuing to not constantly be the one to initiate contact) will probably prep/soften the blow (if it's a blow at all) and probably give her a good example of what I'm talking about when it comes to relationships needing both people to be involved.

 

[Wyote]

Uhh why don't you just ask her about her behavior? She probably thinks it's fine since she told you she was being guarded. And if this is what is keeping you from having some sort of attraction (as seems to be the case) I am guessing if you help her move forward it would help foster a healthy relationship. Either way it's win-win because you will find out whether it is just a mutual lack of attraction or if there is an underlying cause.

That's just my approach I guess. Relationships are too complex when there is any lack of genuine communication.