Living together before marriage

Do you think couples are better off living together before getting married?

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    75
GracieRuth said:
Yeah, I KNOW how reasonable this seems. However, the research simply doesn't bear it out. There was a time when everyone thought heavier objects fell faster, too.
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Research done by who? you know more then half of marriages end in divorce right?
 
people thought heavier objects fell faster before studies were done. Famously Galileo dropped a pillow case of feathers and a bowling ball off the top of the leaning tower of Pizza, which was believed to be leaning in its demonstration of love toward Mother Earth. Just as he dropped the pillow case of feathers he was shot by the Papal guards using a crude musket of Galileo's design. The ball tore open the bag and the feathers took flight.

the feathers wafted on the hot Italian air as Galileo fell to his knees professing his undying love and devotion to God and God's creation.

But the feathers got caught in his throat muffling his prostrations making the Guard believe he was blaspheming for which he was subsequently tried and convicted in an inquisition court.

So my question is, what percentage of marriages that end in failure begin as cohabitation as opposed to those that fail and don't. And not all marriages, only the ones that fail where divorce is legal.
 
would rather be committed to life with him before moving in because splitting up our stuff and saying goodbye would be total nightmare. i want some definite certainty within myself that this will last in order to be ok with the possibility of that eventuality. i also want to see him naked many times before making this sort of commitment.
 
invisible said:
would rather be committed to life with him before moving in because splitting up our stuff and saying goodbye would be total nightmare. i want some definite certainty within myself that this will last in order to be ok with the possibility of that eventuality. i also want to see him naked many times before making this sort of commitment.
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+1
I tried....I want you to know I tried....
Especially the naked part!!! Whew...sorry, I couldn't resist....carry on
 
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I think what you'll find is that most people on the verge of getting married will basically end up living at one or the others place all the time anyway.

I should also point out that I lived with a female friend of mine for a while which certainly wasn't any kind of romantic relationship so I guess it seems more about comfort to me.
 
that's alot
 
You need to test the waters.
I'm sorry, but there's no other way.
While dating you have time to not always be the ideal person you try to be when you're around them.
I think this is the breaking point of a lot of marriages.
I moved in with my GF after only dating for nearly a month (I know that's fast, but we're both feeling types, and read emotion well, so we were well suited to "know" each other)
But I have a lot of organizational OCD and she has a lot of OCD that makes her hate a very organized setting (makes it feel less "homely/personal", which is why she hates it when I cleaned the room constantly)

But now I know where I need to improve, and so does she.
So when we finally get to the point where we move in and get married (if it gets that far) that it'll have a higher percentage of success. (I'm a mathematician, sorry LOL).
That's the logic behind why I say you must test the waters.

Uncertainty and ambiguity, the relationship between known/unknown variables and probabilities. I'm just finding more variables and determining more probabilities than someone who doesn't test these waters.
 
Carrie said:
I tend to think of marriage as a unique union which isn't the same as living together. I don't think living together has anything to do with the couple's fit or compatiblity. The living situation is often confused with the relationship. I think living together doesn't change the relationship, it just exaggerates the problems you may have if you were to get married later on, or reinforces whether you're someone who is willing to compromise despite everything else. If you develop good communication and interpersonal skills, are honest with each other, and want a real union or relationship with the person, then you're not going to want to lie to them or not allow them to see the best of you. If you really love someone, you will compromise. Yes, we will hide particular aspects of the self we don't want the person to see, and I can see where living together will let you see those aspects of the person. But it's really how honest you feel you can be with the person, that determines how you approach a relationship. If you're truly comfortable and able to be yourself in a relationship, then you won't hide important things about yourself from them. The person may not like or want to accept those aspects but that's separate. If you're looking for a perfect person who will tell you what you want to hear and show you a person who fits your ideal, then of course, you won't get to know the real person until you are with them everyday. Marriage is not a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. It's a long term/lifetime committment which assumes that you will be living with someone everyday, so if you're not preparing yourself or the possibility of seeing the real person everyday, and expect them to be this perfect individual who does everything the right way, the way you want, or exactly as you expect, then you're not being honest with yourself. You're not being honest about it means to be married if you're looking at your partner and the living situation with perfect eyes. Fact is, many people don't prepare themselves mentally and psychologically for marriage. They just go into it, expecting their partners to fulfill their expectations of and when it doesn't work out, they blame the partner and leave. They aren't being honest with themselves about what marriage really means.
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I totaly agree with you

There is a difference between loving someone and living with someone. If you don
 
So, do you think it's better to live together before marriage, why or why not.


This is not a question about whether couples should or shouldn't get married, but how choosing to live together or not live together before intending to marry affects the relationship and the chance of getting married.
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I've been watching this topic for a while and wanted to chime in: my INTJ boyfriend (now husband) and I lived together for 2 years, before getting married last March. We made the decision because, after 6 months of dating -practically living at the other's house every weekend, we felt it was high time. (I should also mention that we lived 2 hours away, a long enough drive to disallow casual visits throughout the work week.) We felt that the best way to take our relationship to that next "level" was to try making a home together.

Anyhow, so we took the leap and got an apartment together. It is the day that we moved in together that feels like the day we were first married. And it was the intervening time together: through laundry and dishes and dinners and all of the messy business of life, that convinced us without a doubt this was the right thing. I'd say if we were 85% sure that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together before we moved in, we were 100% sure 2 years later. And being with him through all the mundane stuff, sleeping by his side for 600+ nights, only deepened our love and understanding of one another. (It really does help that we LIVE together remarkably well. There is much to be said for making great roommates and lovers. We seem to have perfectly matched personalities for never getting sick of one another, as we will naturally step away and allow the other alone time and such, without really thinking about it, but can just hang out for many many waking hours in a row as well.)

We thought of our wedding as a formality and a way to affirm and make public what was already between us, with our friends and family as witness.

There was no nervousness at our wedding (apart from introverts + crowds =P).... just simple joy.
 
I would not marry someone without having first lived with them.

I would not live with a man unless I felt certain that I wanted to be with him.


A bit of a conundrum, no?
 
[MENTION=2926]Bird[/MENTION]: I think there is knowing from an intuition vs. knowing from experience. I felt that we knew before we moved in, but that we KNEW in a deeper sense after. If that makes any sense? =P
 
Morgain said:
So it is hard to break up with someone you live with, but it is easy to get divorced after you got married?
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No, its harder to break up with someone you're living with. They might do something you would normally say something about but if you're living together you might not. A lot of little things build up to one really big thing.
 
bickelz said:
No, its harder to break up with someone you're living with. They might do something you would normally say something about but if you're living together you might not. A lot of little things build up to one really big thing.
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off course but that applies to "living together", married or not. If you say that this is the reason why a lot of marriages end up in a divorce then I agree
but living together before marriage has nothing to do with that. As a matter of fact it rather lower the amount of divorce since people will realize before they get married that they can't live together
 
Morgain said:
off course but that applies to "living together", married or not. If you say that this is the reason why a lot of marriages end up in a divorce then I agree
but living together before marriage has nothing to do with that. As a matter of fact it rather lower the amount of divorce since people will realize before they get married that they can't live together
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But the thread is about living together before marriage.

From what I've heard, the divorce rate is higher among people who live together first.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-28-cohabitation-research_N.htm
 
So many variables...@_@ I guess my conclusion would be that there's no right answer for it, it depends on what's right for the individual couple. Living early can turn out bad for some people, and great for others. The same can be said of those that do not live together early.

In my personal situation, I don't think I could live with the other person before marriage. I have a lot of stuff to take care of before marriage, and want to make sure I finish everything on time. But, not ruling out the occasional sleepover of course.^.^ Plus, it sounds crazy, but I think it would be fun to find out all the quirks after marriage. :P Of course, I would know them long enough that it wouldn't be anything too drastic, like drugs or something. I think all the other little annoying things, I can work through, if I truly loved the person.
 
Billy said:
Research done by who? you know more then half of marriages end in divorce right?
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Please bother to read the entire thread. I think I am the only person to document my opinion with links to scientific journal articals.

Before you pull out the cliche about 50%, please check exactly how that study was done. It does NOT mean 50% of all people divorce. The study counts every marraige of repeat offenders who have no clue what marraige is (someone tell me how Elizabeth Taylor actually found clergy that would marry her again???).

You know what Billy, my brain is rapidly deterioring, and I still leave you in the dust. I really have no problems with people who are less intelligent or less educated -- UNTIL they become pretentious.
 
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