Living together before marriage

Do you think couples are better off living together before getting married?

  • Total voters
    75
The Doctor said:
I think we might be talking about different things, as for the research, it seems to be ignorant to just dismiss them because they are a faith based organization, di you even read the article?
I'm not sure were talking about the same kind of counselling
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who goes to marriage counselling for anything other than catastrophic communication failures? Doing so without it, seems... bizarre. And yes I read the article, it seemed to be reaching pretty hard to make the claim that marriage is anything other than an outdated custom religious groups cling to to scare the shit out of their followers.
 
Billy said:
who goes to marriage counselling for anything other than catastrophic communication failures? Doing so without it, seems... bizarre. And yes I read the article, it seemed to be reaching pretty hard to make the claim that marriage is anything other than an outdated custom religious groups cling to to scare the shit out of their followers.
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people who want to get a better grip on what married life is like prior to marriage
 
Ok I'm married 20 years.
Together 23. Lived together for the three before we got married. Ten others got married in the same three years as us. 10 of my friends, cousins, her friends, etc. Except for one couple, we are the only ones still together.

Okay, money. Not a problem.
Kids, don't have any.

So that probably make a BIG!!!!!!!!!! Difference.

But trust me, live together first.
If you don't get married, it's cause you can't stand each other. Of you get married cause your head is in your ass and you think it will be ok or get better, you're confused.

Live together first and do what makes sense.
 
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Ame said:
So, do you think it's better to live together before marriage, why or why not.


This is not a question about whether couples should or shouldn't get married, but how choosing to live together or not live together before intending to marry affects the relationship and the chance of getting married.

See poll above
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Depends what people want out of Marriage.


People don't change overnight, it takes years, if ever, for people to change their way of living. If a couple is in the habit of living together without strong commitment - marriage won't be as securely committed as some people might want.
 
I don't think it makes a difference either way.

Personally I think it's better to not live together beforehand just because, but if we were strapped for cash I probably would.

I don't for a second buy into the whole 'you need to practice living together' thing... if you've lived with other people before, even roommates, you should know what to do and what not to do. Living with an SO isn't so different from that... the only real difference is you sleep together, and chances are that's already happened anyways.

It's sort of like you probably already knew you were going to get married and you probably already knew quite a few things about the person you married, and if you didn't then it was probably a mistake.

I think that everyone on this thread agrees that the most important thing is to be mature responsible human beings who communicate well... have your own interests, don't make ridiculous demands, trust each other, give each other space, etc...
 
I operate a strict try before I buy policy.
 
The question was is it better or not to live together? I don’t know if it is or not… however, nearly every married couple I know in actual fact did live together before marriage, at least for a while. Some of them lied about it and said they didn’t, in order to act all holier-than-thou, that’s all, and then wound up divorcing anyway.

My husband and I lived together before marriage for a number of extremely personal reasons, and despite being told it would surely end badly, and being called a slut (that would be me, not him) it has worked out very well. Our living preferences are very compatible, and that sort of thing makes a big difference! I agree with Rferraris that there are certain things which will make any living arrangement easier, and those things include not having financial problems or children – those tend to complicate matters with or without marriage – they pose challenges which can strain relationships. Also, if a man is going to hit you or belittle you, being married will not stop him from doing it.

And also this:
I would not marry someone without having first lived with them.

I would not live with a man unless I felt certain that I wanted to be with him.


A bit of a conundrum, no?
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Apone said:
I don't think it makes a difference either way.

Personally I think it's better to not live together beforehand just because, but if we were strapped for cash I probably would.

I don't for a second buy into the whole 'you need to practice living together' thing... if you've lived with other people before, even roommates, you should know what to do and what not to do. Living with an SO isn't so different from that... the only real difference is you sleep together, and chances are that's already happened anyways.

It's sort of like you probably already knew you were going to get married and you probably already knew quite a few things about the person you married, and if you didn't then it was probably a mistake.

I think that everyone on this thread agrees that the most important thing is to be mature responsible human beings who communicate well... have your own interests, don't make ridiculous demands, trust each other, give each other space, etc...
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Ok I agree completely. But you are making assumptions. Assumptions that we have experience living with roommates, that we are mature and are self aware enough to know what is or isn't appropriate behavior. These are assumptions. What if you are having fun, dating, time of your life and hey, lets get married. Next thing I wake up and the dishes are dirty. Who cleans the bathroom? Who does the laundry? Surly you washed your clothes before me moved in. Ohhhh your mom comes over and helps out. Gee I WISH I KNEW THAT BEFORE WE
MOVED IN TOGETHER.

I can't tell you how many cousins are stuck taking care of the kids while my brother in laws are playing golf. They work all week, so that's ok right?
 
Rferraris said:
Ok I agree completely. But you are making assumptions. Assumptions that we have experience living with roommates, that we are mature and are self aware enough to know what is or isn't appropriate behavior. These are assumptions. What if you are having fun, dating, time of your life and hey, lets get married. Next thing I wake up and the dishes are dirty. Who cleans the bathroom? Who does the laundry? Surly you washed your clothes before me moved in. Ohhhh your mom comes over and helps out. Gee I WISH I KNEW THAT BEFORE WE MOVED IN TOGETHER.

I can't tell you how many cousins are stuck taking care of the kids while my brother in laws are playing golf. They work all week, so that's ok right?
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I said 'if you have experience living with other people'-- part of living with other people is not getting upset about trivial things, and taking responsibility for the household and working out who does what… and also not being selfish about things.

I don't know of too many adults who would be okay with living in a state of disrepair and if you're going to let that break up your marriage then you have bigger issues and frankly you probably need to grow up.
 
Apone said:
I don't know of too many adults who would be okay with living in a state of disrepair and if you're going to let that break up your marriage then you have bigger issues and frankly you probably need to grow up.
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you've never watched Hoarders, obviously
 
I don't know of too many adults who would be okay with living in a state of disrepair and if you're going to let that break up your marriage then you have bigger issues and frankly you probably need to grow up.
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Hey, it's just my opinion. It's what I did and I wouldn't have changed it. Over the years she and I often said it might have been the smartest thing we did.

I don't know too many adults that would be willing to tolerate. But I also have met a lot of people that just stay in the crappy situations they are in.

And I'm not sure what you mean in one of your last statements. "..if you're going to let that ruin your marriage..."

There are thing I could find hard to deal with. But like I've said so many times, I'm married 20. There is no other girl for me. We have our chores and we devide them as we need to. She's a doctor and so I pick up the slack as best I can. Her hours are crazy sometimes. And I agree if you are getting into marriage with a different mindset, it's gonna be tuff. Which is why I suggest living together to find out just how nuts the other one is.
 
Rferraris said:
Hey, it's just my opinion. It's what I did and I wouldn't have changed it. Over the years she and I often said it might have been the smartest thing we did.
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You'll never be able to know that for certain though... you can say it's because you lived together beforehand, but it could be just because you're both willing to adjust to each other's rhythms etc.

Rferraris said:
And I'm not sure what you mean in one of your last statements. "..if you're going to let that ruin your marriage..."
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Just that living together means making sacrifices and compromises and there's not much point in letting a refusal to compromise ruin your marriage unless it's a major point, in which case you probably should have resolved that beforehand...

Also, I don't think that hoarding is necessarily something that you could find out about someone before marriage... and really, if you're getting married I assume you've been in a relationship for some time, visiting each other's houses, staying over, etc... haven't you noticed what their hours are like or what kind of person they are?
 
It seems like more people are living together before marriage now than ever before. It also seems like more divorces happen now than ever before.

Just a correlation to keep in mind.

Edit: I voted "Not sure"
 
chulo said:
It also seems like more divorces happen now than ever before.
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Perhaps it seems that way to you, but this is not actually the case. All the data I've seen suggest that the divorce rate peaked back around 1979 and has been gradually decreasing ever since. (The marriage rate has also been decreasing, which is a much more meaningful correlation.)
 
Apone said:
You'll never be able to know that for certain though... you can say it's because you lived together beforehand, but it could be just because you're both willing to adjust to each other's rhythms etc.



Just that living together means making sacrifices and compromises and there's not much point in letting a refusal to compromise ruin your marriage unless it's a major point, in which case you probably should have resolved that beforehand...

Also, I don't think that hoarding is necessarily something that you could find out about someone before marriage... and really, if you're getting married I assume you've been in a relationship for some time, visiting each other's houses, staying over, etc... haven't you noticed what their hours are like or what kind of person they are?
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Working through issues is part of the fun. You go through hard times, you are friends, lovers, roommates, etc.

After time goes by you have a history and if you stay friends it's can be awesome and a little scary.

I'm not sure who turns into a hoarder.
But I don't agree. There are personality traits that I pick up and I can tell what is a neurosis, or some pent up hostility.
I'm pretty good at noticing if you drink a lot to escape. I can see the influences in your life and I can learn your strengths and weaknesses. I can figure out what will be a problem for you. And how that will manifest in your person. Dating, you are on your best behavior. Want to really see the vulnerability in a person, live with them. It's not a surprise that it cam become too much for people and it leads to going your own way. But why is that bad.

Is the idea to surprise attack and force them into submission.
 
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