Loving vs being in love

JGirl

JGirl

no chocolate flavored gum? wow
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i am a loving person, and everything i do filters through that part of who i am.
having said that, i have a less than perfect track record with being in love, and more specifically with what that means in a relationship.
i've been seeing this guy for six months now, and i will admit that i'm love with him.
things have been a bit different lately because i feel a pull toward some new level in our relationship (not necessarily from him mind you) and i don't know what that's supposed to be. part of me would like to explore a deeper commitment with him but i do not want to co-habitate. i don't think i ever want to live with someone again, however i know this is something he is eventually looking for in a relationship, if not outright marriage *GASP*
i think the idea of sharing a home is romantic and sweet but i also know i would miss my privacy. when he comes over to my apartment i feel as though i have company rather than that my boyfriend is over.
i want to grow in this relationship, together and as an individual, but i don't know how to progress.
why is loving so different from being in love??
 
I'm not sure if I see the correlation between your writing about co-habitation and the nature of love.

What I can tell you is that I don't think co-habitation is necessary for being in-love with someone. Likewise, I don't think living apart prevents it. Frankly, I think most people only do it because it ostensibly symbolizes a deep level of commitment which they need to feel secure about the relationship. In their mind, it's a concrete, reliable reference point -- "we moved in, we must be healthy / in love / happy / progressing / etc". But as anyone with half a brain (or grew up in a dysfunctional household) can tell you, living together doesn't mean shit.

Also, a lot of people do it out of sheer necessity or because they can't justify the wasted expense (carrying two mortgages or leases instead of one).
 
Mhmm...it needn't be the next step, it just is for a lot of people. Like what Korg said.
You would do well do demonstrate in some other way what you don't want to show by cohabitation - namely, love and commitment.
If he absolutely needs to live with someone eventually in relationship then understand what that means for you but be honest with yourself and him.
 
The difference being loving and being in love has also been a big question for me. Being in love I think has more to do with the feelings you have and loving someone has more to do with your actions towards them imho. Sounds like you're questioning whether you feel strongly enough for him to want to move in and live with him. If you personally don't want to live with someone, maybe you can consider a situation where you live next to each other as neighbors but not in the same home or apartment. That way, you can be together but not feel as if you're imposing on each other's space. I think if you both feel the same about each other, chances are you'll want to find some way to affirm that feeling or committment. But if you're feeling as if you're moving to another level but unsure where it's going, then maybe take some time for yourself, move a little more slowly so that you're not feeling rushed or pushed into something you may not feel ready to move into. All the best.
 
"Why is loving so different than being in love??"........................... Should love be so simple to understand?
 
Being in love is like letting go of your balloons all at once, and not looking up to see them fly away. {While that is littering, it was as good an analogy as I could think of at the moment.} Your eyes are now fixed on something so much more important. Once we have been hurt, we are less likely to completely let go. Don't carry your old balloons around with you.
 
Korg said:
I'm not sure if I see the correlation between your writing about co-habitation and the nature of love.

What I can tell you is that I don't think co-habitation is necessary for being in-love with someone. Likewise, I don't think living apart prevents it. Frankly, I think most people only do it because it ostensibly symbolizes a deep level of commitment which they need to feel secure about the relationship. In their mind, it's a concrete, reliable reference point -- "we moved in, we must be healthy / in love / happy / progressing / etc". But as anyone with half a brain (or grew up in a dysfunctional household) can tell you, living together doesn't mean shit.

Also, a lot of people do it out of sheer necessity or because they can't justify the wasted expense (carrying two mortgages or leases instead of one).
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actually i wasn't writing on the general correlation between the two - i was referring to my own experience with a particular person.
i'm not looking for an answer, more wondering what the differences meant to other people, or if they have felt similar feelings in a situation like this.
sorry if you didn't catch my drift...i've been known to be less than clear.
 
just me said:
Being in love is like letting go of your balloons all at once, and not looking up to see them fly away. {While that is littering, it was as good an analogy as I could think of at the moment.} Your eyes are now fixed on something so much more important. Once we have been hurt, we are less likely to completely let go. Don't carry your old balloons around with you.
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good way to look at it
 
Maven said:
The difference being loving and being in love has also been a big question for me. Being in love I think has more to do with the feelings you have and loving someone has more to do with your actions towards them imho. Sounds like you're questioning whether you feel strongly enough for him to want to move in and live with him. If you personally don't want to live with someone, maybe you can consider a situation where you live next to each other as neighbors but not in the same home or apartment. That way, you can be together but not feel as if you're imposing on each other's space. I think if you both feel the same about each other, chances are you'll want to find some way to affirm that feeling or committment. But if you're feeling as if you're moving to another level but unsure where it's going, then maybe take some time for yourself, move a little more slowly so that you're not feeling rushed or pushed into something you may not feel ready to move into. All the best.
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i considered a duplex type situation where we shared a house with two separate apartments in it. he seemed to think that was a good financial arrangement for the moment when i brought it up in a casual conversation one day.
i have always known he was looking for a permanent relationship and up until a while back i thought i could keep that at bay...hmm that isn't working so well for me now lol
 
[MENTION=4855]JGirl[/MENTION], have you ever written down a comparison of your feelings of love vs in love? Joy, happiness, etc vs enamored, can't think straight, etc??
 
just me said:
[MENTION=4855]JGirl[/MENTION], have you ever written down a comparison of your feelings of love vs in love? Joy, happiness, etc vs enamored, can't think straight, etc??
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i never have before but i can sum it up in one line.
loving is a selfless action, whereas being in love is personal and makes me vulnerable.
 
JGirl said:
i never have before but i can sum it up in one line.
loving is a selfless action, whereas being in love is personal and makes me vulnerable.
Click to expand...

I love people and have difficulty telling them without misunderstanding. All love seems personal to me, though I think I understand what you mean. I think when I find myself thinking about someone more than usual, my love has grown for them. If I cannot express myself with words any longer without seeming to be somewhat at a loss of words, I may have become vulnerable. If I think the situation would not be the best for the other person, I try to step back into those first stages of my love. If I cannot, I try to embrace the fact that person means a lot to me, though they most likely do not feel the way I do. Surely they cannot. I reason away people that have gotten so close to me they may be better off farther away. I rejoice in the fact someone has come along that touched my heart in such a way. It ends in sorrow when they have gone their way. To me, being in love does not always lead to living together and marriage.
 
Personally for me there's no 'in love' - only love in varying degree of propensity. It's made of the same stuff.

So in my opinion, the reason it's so hard to tell the difference is because there actually isn't one.
 
Loving someone vs. being in-love. Hmm, I guess I perceive being in-love as a fleeting euphoria and loving someone as a lifelong act. Being in-love is marvelous, it's almost like a drug, gee wiz who wouldn't want to feel that way all the time. But loving someone (to me) is lifelong. I'm not sure loving someone has anything to do with marriage, living together, or any of the "conventional" ways people perceive a couple.

In my mind, being in-love passes, but loving someone grows deeper with time. Loving someone is like cultivating the ground for planting, each year you add to the soil enriching it so your plants can grow that much stronger. Being in-love is like buying perfect, juicy, plump fruit at the farmers market. One takes time and the other just takes a trip to the market :becky:. The best is when you fall in-love and then also build an enduring love with that person. As far as cohabiting, marriage, etc., I don't think loving someone has to look any particular way. I believe in allowing people the freedom and flexibility to define and structure their relationships in whatever way works for the people involved.

If he's wanting the relationship to lead here, and you're not sure you want to go there, the sooner you have that conversation with him the better, otherwise you might be leading him on or trying to convince yourself you're ready for something you're not. Either way, they both kinda go to a crappy place. Maybe just slow things down a bit, give yourself some room to breathe and time to think about how you feel and what you want. You just went through a massive lifestyle upheaval and change. Loretta Lynn said, "I thought I was runnin' my life, but it was really runnin' me, I'm not sure that's how it's supposed to be".

What do you want? Do you want to be in-love or do you want to love someone? It isn't a judgement, both are okay, it just depends on what you want and why you want it. I'm getting off the podium now :becky: Take care. :love:
 
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I guess the best answer I can come up with is because you have defined a difference between being in love and loving. You have to be willing to redefine things you considered singular in order to make them plural. Your stuff, his stuff, "we"stuff....it all tends to get muddled together at a certain point. We (as in people) tend to try and think it should all just kinda flow naturally. I guess the best way to figure out the "we" stuff is to figure out the "you" stuff first. Define what it is you want or don't want. Are you carrying the pain and hurt from how your last long-term ended? Is it more, I don't trust therefore I don't want to live with someone or is it more than that? If I remember you haven't been broken up very long since the last long term and you might naturally be hesitant to give up your freedom. I agree with Sadie though, it is a conversation that after the Love word has been bandied about, you need to have with your boyfriend. I would just make sure you take some time to figure out what you want before you do that.
 
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