With regard to loving your self:
See how Kahlil states your ears thirst for the sounds of your heart's knowledge? That's why when we make our intentions we state them out loud. Our intentions come through the heart - from the heart - and we envision the sound literally coming from our chest.
Keep in mind we are Spirit Energy inhabiting a human form here having a human experience. We are here for our own purpose of this experience and as such we honor the form. It's like if you wanted to experience driving HWY 5 through the beautiful mountains and stop for a picnic underneath the giant Redwoods we would appreciate the vehicle (car) that allows us to have this wonderful experience. We'd put appropriate gas and oil in it and have the tires aired up and balanced.
It's respecting the form of physicality: the car - the mountains - the fresh air - the food - the sound of birds in the trees - the sunlight filtering down through the trees.
My awareness of the physical - my body - my surroundings - has grown immensely in the last year as I sit and sense it. It helped me greatly to stop looking at my body like some kind of "thing" I am supposed to be able to control. I have discovered my body has it's own "consciousness" if you will - it has it's own wisdom - that I know nothing about until I "Ask" It. So I do.... Like yesterday and this morning I literally asked my body if it would like one of these baking soda drinks I keep reading about to move the body from an acidic state to a more neutral or alkaline state. I was highly skeptical....but the body said Yes! [shakes head in wonderment] I do giggle when the body responds.... though...as this is damn fascinating.
Perhaps you might try a method I've learned from two different people I follow out there: You put one hand on your heart and the other hand stretched out over the supplement or food or thing you want to try and state out loud "Hello Body. I am endeavoring to honor and respect you with love....so I ask you to help me help You. Do you want this ....?" Don't name or label the thing you're asking about. Just give the body some kind of action so you know without doubt it's answer of either Yes or No. I ask mine to lean forward for yes and backwards for No. Other people I know use different actions for their bodies.
As for getting your self to a place where you can feel love for your body - I suggest you imagine your son at age five. Picture him at a time where he hurt himself. Like falling down running after a ball....or trying to ride a trike....and he got scared along with the pain. Now what did you do at that time....or what WOULD you do in that instance? Do you yell and berate him for falling down and hurting himself? No ....you don't....you wouldn't. Compassion would well up in your heart and you'd immediately try to soothe his fears and take care of his pain by hugging him close and pouring love from your heart in to his. This is a basis for working with your own Inner Child (IC). Your own IC has been hurt and scared (traumatized) in the past over who knows what....but we all know your IC has been traumatized. It could be something as seemingly innocuous as you wet the bed one night when you were five due to unusual circumstances and your parent came in all tired from working hard and yelled and screamed about it causing massive guilt and shame within you. (traumatized)
Keep in mind you're Sensitive. That is NOT a failing. That is NOT something to be ashamed of. As such - when Sensitives are traumatized it goes deeply within the psyche and deeply within the Heart.
Therefore we cannot "rationalize" or "think" our way out of these traumas. They are real. They need to be healed.
Perhaps you can spend some time perusing childhood pictures and let your Self travel back in time to whatever memories pop up. Let your imagination guide you and see what happens. Try not to shy away from whatever comes up....for it's your Inner Child who needs you to help them heal those old traumas. Just like you would soothe your Son with murmurings of Love and holding him in a hug - so should you take the same actions and feelings for your IC. Try to talk out loud to your IC as if they were your son.
During my last fever induced weeks of this damn pneumonia I had a vision and it was of Me dancing with my Inner Child(I call her Katie). She and I were dancing and I was holding her hand up in the air while she twirled. We were laughing and giggling. Her face was beautiful with her eyes closed and love in her heart. Sigh.... it was wonderful. It brings tears of joy to my eyes as I type this.
I am also being prompted to mention the Ho'oponopono statements to you. They are powerful healing words for relationships and there is no other important relationship than that of the one between You ...and your Inner Child.
Finally - the guides want me to tell you that you are loved beyond your wildest imaginings from your Soul Family and they are cheering you on.
Namaste'
I apologize for not writing you sooner…I just was unable to…I can’t explain it, but I’m sorry.
The last two days, I saw so many repeating numbers….222, 333, 444, 1111…waaaaay more than was coincidental…at 4:44 yesterday, I even said out loud as I laughed, “I am paying attention!”
This is an almost daily occurrence in the past two weeks…as has been almost daily feelings of deja vu.
I feel that I am on the correct path…though painful and uncomfortable.
A former co-worker of mine called me yesterday…she is in her mid-sixties…she worked at the same hospital that I did until she hurt her neck after I left and basically retired.
We had gotten along well, she was one of those people who is always happy.
About 5 mins into the conversation and she says - I’ve been trying to find myself…I’ve been reading a lot about Near Death Experiences and life after death.
I say - Kathy, I have a sort-of blog about that whole subject online…and I’ve really been working on finding my authentic self too.
It turns out that she and I had much more in common than I realized.
Not just about these things…but we had almost an exactly corresponding time where we were battling depression…she too, experienced a loss of identity or ego after her disc gave her shit and she ended up not working about two weeks after I left. We are exactly politically-minded too, which I wouldn’t have guessed.
We ended up talking for about an hour and a half…which for me, very, very rarely happens.
It was bizarre and randomly out of the blue.
The last two days, I seemed to have a resurgence of some of the symptoms…but, it felt to me like a last ditch effort by whatever part still feels the need for the garbage I was taking…so, though I felt like shit…it was okay.
I had planned to write you on the same day that you so kindly wrote to me…was feeling good and positive that morning, then I was hit by a brick wall of depression that afternoon and evening…just out of nowhere. Then yesterday, I kept getting very strong waves of the burning/chills and pounding heart that would come up throughout the day.
My back is starting to hurt more…I told my Rheumatologist that I want to wait on the next Remicade infusion…a nurse called my yesterday too and I explained all the crap with the hospital, then the insurance forcing people off the pain meds, and the fact that this sinus/ear thing is STILL holding on.
I told her - I just really feel that my body need to recover right now.
She thought that was a wise course of action.
So…I don’t know, if it hurts more because I’ve put it off…or if I just need to be more active…which, now that I am starting to feel better from other things, I can hopefully do.
The last three days I have had an increase in my appetite, which is fantastic…I have lost almost 15 lbs. in the last month and half…which is about how much I needed to lose anyhow hahaha…it’s not the best way to lose weight, but certainly effective…hahaha!
At least I feel like eating now…before I literally had to force myself to eat, which usually consisted of drinking an Ensure…I have basically not eaten ANY solid food, unless you count bananas, for this whole time.
Had a good size meal of soup, salad, and bread yesterday…not quite all solid food, but it was what I have been craving almost daily now.
Enough about this nonsense.
I’m not avoiding the subject of loving myself…it is first and foremost in my mind.
I feel that these humps in the road (or a more suitable description would be - giant boulders), were exactly where they needed to be.
Part of why I was so depressed that day you wrote me back, was because I realized that I don’t have any dreams.
I have no dreams of my future, I have no goals except to be there for Sensiko and my Son…but beyond that, there is nothing.
I have travelled to many places…many more than most people…France, Russia, Belgium, etc.
Someday, I would like to travel more…but nothing that I would or have made a goal of.
I feel like a blank slate in many ways…I more and more strongly feel that I will not ever do surgery again.
I also feel more and more strongly that I should become a drug abuse counselor in one form or another.
That I should also become an energy healer as well…that they should work in unison.
It sounds like it wouldn’t bring me much monetary gain…not that that is interesting to me anyhow…I have all I need…more than I need in fact, I am blessed in many ways.
My core tells me to serve…it always has, and I have helped and saved countless lives…I knew, when they were in surgery with me, that they were getting the best they could…I have reprimanded many a Surgeon for attempting to “cut corners” (no pun intended hehe), or just being sloppy, or apathetic, or not having their mind in the game so to speak.
Very few, ever fought me on calling them out…it did happen occasionally…but I am a strong patient advocate…not the pal of the Surgeon.
I know all those years counted for something.
It is still difficult to love myself…like I have said before…I feel like I have suffered years of abuse at my own hands…emotional, mental.
It is still very much there, though I am fighting it tooth and nail.
I do have many times where I have climbed above it…it has just been so much harder withdrawing…as this makes you so self-centered…now that I’m feeling better (at least today) I can rise above it all and feel the flow and feel connected…feel love for myself, the broken bits and all.
I was fighting demons in my dreams last night.
There were two…one much more powerful than the other, though the smaller of the two was much faster than the stronger one.
It was as if I were underwater (I have always been able to breath underwater in my dreams btw), as I could push off the walls and ceiling and fly through the air as I fought them.
I could shoot…beats the hell out of me from my fingertips…when it hit the demons it would spark and burn wildly…like magnesium when it burns.
Also, I stole their talisman that gave them their power…it was a ring…very ugly.
They chased me through the ruins of what looked like a giant old factory and mine-shafts.
There was fear…but I also felt very powerful myself and it was quite the fight.
I woke up, totally soaked in sweat…like I actually had to get up and change my clothes.
Still processing the whole dream…I haven’t deconstructed it yet.
Thank you for listening to me, and thank you as always for your thoughtful, kind, and wise words.
I have been doing better and will be able to do some more in depth self-love now that I can actually get out of my head!
It’s quite amazing really that these substances can have such an all-encompassing effect…I almost would say that they block us spiritually too at least while detoxing from them. I have to say that this whole thing has been painful to the very core…but something that I wouldn’t change.
You and everyone has been so helpful and given me nothing but words of support and love, and I will repay it to the universe…I will take it and pass it onto someone else who needs it far more than I do.
Just know, that you have helped me…deeply.
Thank you
I love this shit! 
