[INFJ] My home is my castle

I don't like unannounced visitors. Anyone who knows me knows that about me and respects that. There are exceptions of course like an unavoidable emergency. I had a new neighbor show up unannounced once or twice. She seemed lonely and nosy. I tolerated her but was obviously uncomfortable and waiting for her to leave. She never did it again.

If people I don't know well show up unannounced I usually make them stand at the door and talk to them outside and after a few minutes start to make excuses like I have something cooking on the stove that needs tending. One time I lived in a neighborhood where quite a few of the neighbors would drop by unannounced. It became a real issue. I invested in a fence with a gate that locked.
 
Finally, a proper home for this meme I made so many years ago...

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I hate this too. To be put on the spot like that. I'd never just go unannounced to someone's house... I'd always call to make sure it's okay. What if I was walking around naked or something... I then have to go out on clothes and pretend I'm glad to see you when inside I'm screaming "A phone call would have been nice!" But I'm too worried about making THEM uncomfortable our feel guilty to say anything... Unless its first thing in the morning then I'm so irritated at everything that I just don't care. :p

I have been known to hide and pretend I was asleep... Lol
 
Yeah I don't like it. It never happens now but I don't like anyone showing up and had a habit of not opening letters and then being shocked when maintenance people showed up while I was high and living in sin and squalor. I've had housemates who didn't mind and it was bizarre to me. One person took a nap on the sofa like... the fuck? Go to bed at your home if you're so tired you can't stay awake in the daytime!
 
Unexpected visits make me anxious. It's therefore a good thing that most people don't know where I live.

Though of course, spending so much time alone that I begin to get unexpected visits from imaginary entities might not be good either.

I just prefer socialising outside of my apartment. :D
 
In our home panic sets in when someone knocks on the door. OMG. WHO IS THIS INSANE PERSON?! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO US? HALP!
 
When somebody knocks on my door-

Me: Where is my gun
My gf: *runs into hiding*
 
Wyote said:
I will order food and legit still be terrified when the door knocks
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Thank the stars for tracking apps. Now when I order food I start getting antsy at about 10 minutes before estimated delivery time. I'm generally peeping out the window like a weirdo* waiting for them to pull up to the door so I can intercept the dreaded knock.

*i.e. more weird than usual
 
infinite dreams said:
Thank the stars for tracking apps. Now when I order food I start getting antsy at about 10 minutes before estimated delivery time. I'm generally peeping out the window like a weirdo* waiting for them to pull up to the door so I can intercept the dreaded knock.

*i.e. more weird than usual
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lol I try to do the same but it's hard to predict when they will show up with where I am currently, unless I'm just staring out the peephole the entire time >.>
 
I think it's largely a cultural thing and secondarily a learned habit. Before phones this wasn't generally an issue, but now people have learned to expect a call. I'm quite introverted but I don't mind sudden visitors. I even generally welcome salespeople, Mormons and Jehova's Witnesses although I don't share their beliefs (yes, salespeople do have beliefs about how necessary it is to buy things). When I was a teenager I would visit my friends unannounced and they did the same thing to me, and I miss that time.. back when nobody had mobile phones. So maybe because I got used to it when young I still usually like visitors. Also, as a child I lived close to a farm where they still had the old custom that you could just walk in, no doorbells. But it would be entirely different if I lived in a country where talking to strangers might be dangerous.

This thread demonstrates how MBTI can actually have a harmful effect, making sure that people always stay in their comfort zones. Introversion doesn't mean that being afraid to answer the door is healthy. The fear or discomfort is rather a result of the choices we make to start identifying with our homes to such an extent that even seeing somebody there unexpectedly seems like an invasion of privacy. And while introverted people might get into such a thought loop more easily, it is not inevitable.

"But I'm not neurotic at all! I'm just an INFJ!!"
*hides in the closet*
 
Fidicen said:
I think it's largely a cultural thing and secondarily a learned habit. Before phones this wasn't generally an issue, but now people have learned to expect a call.
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I agree with the first bit (cultural / learned) but not so much with the second. My grandparents never owned a telephone (Introvert level OVER 9000) and they still avoided all visitors apart from immediate family. Some people really are just that disdainful of company.

I'm quite introverted but I don't mind sudden visitors. I even generally welcome salespeople, Mormons and Jehova's Witnesses although I don't share their beliefs (yes, salespeople do have beliefs about how necessary it is to buy things).
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I guess we have different definitions of "quite introverted." I wouldn't waste a second of my day on a door-to-door salesperson or religious kook spouting nonsense, much less invite them into my living space. What do you stand to gain from such interactions?

When I was a teenager I would visit my friends unannounced and they did the same thing to me, and I miss that time.. back when nobody had mobile phones. So maybe because I got used to it when young I still usually like visitors. Also, as a child I lived close to a farm where they still had the old custom that you could just walk in, no doorbells. But it would be entirely different if I lived in a country where talking to strangers might be dangerous.
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I too grew up in an era without mobile phones. Even then, I was taught from a very early age (as were most of my friends) that showing up unannounced at someone else's house is rude and should be avoided. A phone call with at least a bit of advanced notice was considered a common courtesy. Admittedly, this likely does go back to the culture of where I was raised.

This thread demonstrates how MBTI can actually have a harmful effect, making sure that people always stay in their comfort zones. Introversion doesn't mean that being afraid to answer the door is healthy. The fear or discomfort is rather a result of the choices we make to start identifying with our homes to such an extent that even seeing somebody there unexpectedly seems like an invasion of privacy. And while introverted people might get into such a thought loop more easily, it is not inevitable.

"But I'm not neurotic at all! I'm just an INFJ!!"
*hides in the closet*
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Nah dude I've been hiding from rude-assed unannounced visitors since I was a little kid (40+ years). Knowing or not-knowing my MBTI type has nothing to do with it. As you stated above though, it was at least partially learned (from my grandparents and my mom).
 
infinite dreams said:
I agree with the first bit (cultural / learned) but not so much with the second. My grandparents never owned a telephone (Introvert level OVER 9000) and they still avoided all visitors apart from immediate family. Some people really are just that disdainful of company.
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That's why I wrote "generally". Of course there have always been people who take issue with unexpected visitors, in some cultures it's been more common than in others. But I still maintain that the mobile phone has shifted the general perception of acceptable behaviour toward the current situation. When there weren't means to announce a visit to someone in the same village, people didn't expect messages beforehand.

infinite dreams said:
I guess we have different definitions of "quite introverted." I wouldn't waste a second of my day on a door-to-door salesperson or religious kook spouting nonsense, much less invite them into my living space. What do you stand to gain from such interactions?
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"Quite introverted" in this case means that I don't go out of my way to find social interaction. When it does happen I can be very sociable for a while and I like meeting new people. And I'm not as quickly drained of energy as some introverts are. However, in reality weeks and months go by when I don't have a proper conversation with anyone; I do go to a book club once a month and I also meet with a friend a few times a year, but that's about it. So in a situation like this any human contact feels wonderful, even if it's a person trying to sell something. Having lived in social isolation for a while now I'm not that obsessed about the sanctity of my bubble. Despite my upbringing, there also was a time when I felt uncomfortable with visitors. Outwardly my life appeared the same as now, it's just that my attitude was different. So based on this experience I believe that in many cases what people consider a personality trait or a natural preference is rather a choice they keep making every day until it seems like they couldn't live any other way. I guess I'm trying to say that it's possible to be "quite" introverted, not having a pressing need to go out just for the sake of company, and yet not be afraid of people, even unfamiliar or unexpected visitors, seeing each situation valuable in itself.

Introversion is a tendency. What I meant by my comment about MBTI is that people can take their tendencies so seriously that nothing else seems possible anymore, particularly if they've found a label for it. Not being able to open the door if you don't know who it is sounds more like an obsession people have developed around their tendency to prefer intimate interactions. And that seems unhealthy to me. (I'm not saying that my way of life is healthy either, but that's a different matter)

Also, when I was a child I remember often hiding at family gatherings, going somewhere else to read. But now I've come to realise that retreating in itself can be considered rude (and that's how extroverts sometimes see shy people). Rudeness is always dependent on the culture, but even within the culture there are different conceptions depending on the expectations people have. And expectations, at least for the most part, are not hard-coded in our genes.

Thanks for replying, I didn't expect anyone to actually comment because there's such a huge aversion to anything smacking of conflict or disagreement here.

Also I wanted to add that people in this thread seem to think that showing up unannounced is obviously rude, but from another perspective rejecting someone who is reaching out to you, going through the trouble of coming to visit, even if it's a missionary, can also be considered rude.
 
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Fidicen said:
That's why I wrote "generally". Of course there have always been people who take issue with unexpected visitors, in some cultures it's been more common than in others. But I still maintain that the mobile phone has shifted the general perception of acceptable behaviour toward the current situation. When there weren't means to announce a visit to someone in the same village, people didn't expect messages beforehand.
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You're right, mobile technology has had an impact in that regard just as it has in most facets of life. I think the aversion comes from being subject to another's whims or spontaneity. To me (and to a lot of other people) respect for the sanctity of home takes precedent over anyone's need for impromptu visitation into said home. That courtesy is of course extended to others in their homes as well.

"Quite introverted" in this case means that I don't go out of my way to find social interaction. When it does happen I can be very sociable for a while and I like meeting new people. And I'm not as quickly drained of energy as some introverts are. However, in reality weeks and months go by when I don't have a proper conversation with anyone; I do go to a book club once a month and I also meet with a friend a few times a year, but that's about it. So in a situation like this any human contact feels wonderful, even if it's a person trying to sell something. Having lived in social isolation for a while now I'm not that obsessed about the sanctity of my bubble. Despite my upbringing, there also was a time when I felt uncomfortable with visitors. Outwardly my life appeared the same as now, it's just that my attitude was different. So based on this experience I believe that in many cases what people consider a personality trait or a natural preference is rather a choice they keep making every day until it seems like they couldn't live any other way. I guess I'm trying to say that it's possible to be "quite" introverted, not having a pressing need to go out just for the sake of company, and yet not be afraid of people, even unfamiliar or unexpected visitors, seeing each situation valuable in itself.
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I can understand if you go for very long periods of time without talking to anyone in person, that interacting with anyone could be welcome. I think it's different when you see people every day or virtually every day (for instance, I work in an office with 15-20 other people most days). That said, I can't personally envision voluntarily welcoming a salesperson or religion-pusher into my home. But perhaps I have never been that hard up for human contact.

Also, in fairness, I personally am much less "afraid of people" than I am "afraid people are going to waste my time with annoying, irrelevant garbage when I would rather be doing literally anything else with my life than conversing with them." :tonguewink:

Introversion is a tendency. What I meant by my comment about MBTI is that people can take their tendencies so seriously that nothing else seems possible anymore, particularly if they've found a label for it. Not being able to open the door if you don't know who it is sounds more like an obsession people have developed around their tendency to prefer intimate interactions. And that seems unhealthy to me. (I'm not saying that my way of life is healthy either, but that's a different matter)
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This is a matter of perspective. I think it's perfectly healthy to eschew unwanted intrusions into one's life, particularly if one is only complying out of some sense of courtesy or accommodation (let's call it Fe-driven for argument's sake). In other words, if it goes against one's nature to accommodate a stranger barging into their home and taking up their time and energy, is it really "healthy" to do so?

Also, when I was a child I remember often hiding at family gatherings, going somewhere else to read. But now I've come to realise that retreating in itself can be considered rude (and that's how extroverts sometimes see shy people). Rudeness is always dependent on the culture, but even within the culture there are different conceptions depending on the expectations people have. And expectations, at least for the most part, are not hard-coded in our genes.

...

Also I wanted to add that people in this thread seem to think that showing up unannounced is obviously rude, but from another perspective rejecting someone who is reaching out to you, going through the trouble of coming to visit, even if it's a missionary, can also be considered rude.
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Again, both matters of perspective. Understandably, those with extroverted primary tendencies would generally have different viewpoints regarding human interaction than those with introverted tendencies (and as we are demonstrating here, there are even variances within those tendencies).

To your second point, my view is that the person showing up unannounced is making a conscious decision to interject themselves into another person's private domicile. It would therefore behoove them to keep in mind that such interjection will often not be welcome.

Thanks for replying, I didn't expect anyone to actually comment because there's such a huge aversion to anything smacking of conflict or disagreement here.
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Of course. :blush:
 
infinite dreams said:
This is a matter of perspective. I think it's perfectly healthy to eschew unwanted intrusions into one's life, particularly if one is only complying out of some sense of courtesy or accommodation (let's call it Fe-driven for argument's sake). In other words, if it goes against one's nature to accommodate a stranger barging into their home and taking up their time and energy, is it really "healthy" to do so?
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I don't really have much to add since it seems that despite our different views the disagreement is not that big. I was also trying to make the point that things are largely a matter of perspective. Yet...perhaps I've polluted my mind too much with postmodern philosophy, but I tend to think that your personal nature is largely a construction that you uphold because the continuity seems like the only possible strategy. And if it's a construction, it can be changed, although with age it becomes much more difficult. There isn't a definite point at which eschewing intrusions becomes unhealthy just like there isn't a universal measure of rudeness, but somewhere on the continuum the health issue does pop up. What is healthy or not is another fascinating topic that goes way beyond this thread, but related to this matter the gist of it is that a person may think that some behaviour (not answering the door) is perfectly understandable while a doctor would say that they're being avoidant. If we assume that unhealthiness is something that causes suffering to oneself or to others, continued avoidant behaviour could only make matters worse until any intrusion causes immense distress. At least that's what the doctor would presumably say, although the patient would insist that there really isn't a mental problem, because the only problem is that pesky delivery guys and relatives keep ringing the doorbell. Who's right? I don't know. But having gone through an avoidant phase earlier I recognise the danger of comfort zones.

The problem here seems to be that there are two overlapping perspectives, the cultural and the medical, the first being more relative than the second, and I don't know if they can be made commensurate. Regarding our values it's easy to say that there are different views on when it is rude to intrude or to reject a harmless visitor. But add the mental health perspective and the issue becomes even more complex. I'd say that if strangers seem like such a threat that you're never willing to answer the door, then (unless you live in a country where people are regularly kidnapped) the issue transcends from simple introversion to compulsion, and it's your problem, not the problem of the one visiting or the society. And I wouldn't want to encourage anyone to think introversion means that any level of suspicion is perfectly normal. So I'm not criticising you or anyone else for not wanting to be bothered, I rather wanted to point out that it can easily become an unhealthy habit that is not a direct consequence of introversion as such.
 
Fidicen said:
I don't really have much to add since it seems that despite our different views the disagreement is not that big. I was also trying to make the point that things are largely a matter of perspective. Yet...perhaps I've polluted my mind too much with postmodern philosophy, but I tend to think that your personal nature is largely a construction that you uphold because the continuity seems like the only possible strategy. And if it's a construction, it can be changed, although with age it becomes much more difficult. There isn't a definite point at which eschewing intrusions becomes unhealthy just like there isn't a universal measure of rudeness, but somewhere on the continuum the health issue does pop up. What is healthy or not is another fascinating topic that goes way beyond this thread, but related to this matter the gist of it is that a person may think that some behaviour (not answering the door) is perfectly understandable while a doctor would say that they're being avoidant. If we assume that unhealthiness is something that causes suffering to oneself or to others, continued avoidant behaviour could only make matters worse until any intrusion causes immense distress. At least that's what the doctor would presumably say, although the patient would insist that there really isn't a mental problem, because the only problem is that pesky delivery guys and relatives keep ringing the doorbell. Who's right? I don't know. But having gone through an avoidant phase earlier I recognise the danger of comfort zones.

The problem here seems to be that there are two overlapping perspectives, the cultural and the medical, the first being more relative than the second, and I don't know if they can be made commensurate. Regarding our values it's easy to say that there are different views on when it is rude to intrude or to reject a harmless visitor. But add the mental health perspective and the issue becomes even more complex. I'd say that if strangers seem like such a threat that you're never willing to answer the door, then (unless you live in a country where people are regularly kidnapped) the issue transcends from simple introversion to compulsion, and it's your problem, not the problem of the one visiting or the society. And I wouldn't want to encourage anyone to think introversion means that any level of suspicion is perfectly normal. So I'm not criticising you or anyone else for not wanting to be bothered, I rather wanted to point out that it can easily become an unhealthy habit that is not a direct consequence of introversion as such.
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Fair enough. I guess I presupposed a "baseline" state of mental health in my comments which didn't take all psychological factors into account. I would wager that a doctor might find I have some avoidant tendencies in my personality, but those haven't yet caused palpable damage that I can tell (or at least, none that I haven't been able to overcome). I think there's a very fine line between a person simply being more naturally inclined toward introspection and solitude (and that being "healthy") versus someone who deludes themselves into such behavior because of a desire to avoid psychological distress of some kind (unhealthy). The difference is likely something that can only be discerned through a combination of sound professional help and honest self examination. Either way, it's something I hadn't fully considered when thinking about this topic, so thanks for bringing it up. :blush:
 
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