My relationship experiences are poor...

[LoneArcher86]

Reading through your posted conversation, I noticed in the last response you sent that you mentioned negative influence from your family.
If I may offer some advice: Being honest is good, being to honest can be detrimental to your intentions. Mentioning the negatives in your life, though everybody has them, can sometimes leave the impression the you are "damaged" and therefore they will be left to pick up the pieces. I am not saying the this is the case, just a thought.
Really all Im saying is play off the positives first, and when it comes time to have a relationship, then casually allow yourself to reveal the rest of yourself. You may feel, by doing this, that you are not being honest, if so, that is not the case. You are simple being cautious in revealing your weaker points.

 

[orangeappled]

I think your messages were mostly fine, and I don't see much sign of you being socially inept. You were polite, took a personal interest in her, offered up details about yourself, and you complimented her without being creepy about it.

If someone does not respond to you, it may not being any error on your part. Do not take it as a judgment of your worth as a person. Learn what you can & move on. Hey, sometimes it is an issue of THEM & not YOU. That doesn't mean all or most women are evil bitches either though...

There are many reasons women don't respond to online messages. I'll be honest: women online often get MANY messages, and to answer them all is time consuming. Sometimes you just end up focusing on the few you are most interested in. Because you write long, thoughtful messages, she may have felt pressured to respond in kind, but if she's not as interested in you than she is in someone else, then your message may be put aside in favor of theirs. It's not any fault of yours, she may have simply decided someone else suits her personal preferences better. That's just ONE scenario. There are a million other reasons she has not written back that may have little to do with your approach.

If I have any critique of your messages, I'd say some insecurity crept through. You pretty much explained it yourself here (quoted below), with the "too honest" bit, but you failed to see the same mistake occurring in what you're simultaneously admitting to. "Honesty" is not the problem, but vulnerability can be. It can almost seem like a guilt-trip, where you make the other person feel bad for your negative past experiences so they will not reject you. Being someone who has pity-dated, I've come to resent when men come off that way. It does read as "needy". It's also just a downer. It's not "nice" at all. I don't think that little bit would be enough to scare someone off, but it's something to keep in mind.

You kept it upbeat throughout the rest of your messages though, and that is great. Just keep trying; these things take time, unfortunately. At the very least, it gives you "practice".

My experience with internet dating stories so far has been limited. It has much to do with my confidence and approach, haha, I used to send out cheesy one liners thinking its the way to break the ice. Sometimes I'm too honest and its taken the wrong way.

 

[SamE]

Really all Im saying is play off the positives first, and when it comes time to have a relationship, then casually allow yourself to reveal the rest of yourself. You may feel, by doing this, that you are not being honest, if so, that is not the case. You are simple being cautious in revealing your weaker points.

That's true. I try to avoid doing that, the more I resist the more I reveal myself as a mess. I know I have strong points, though for the life of me I tend to jump to the negatives as if defensive. Which makes the situation awkward as soon as I do it. I know as soon as I say it, I hang there for hours sometimes, spending so much energy thinking am I going to post what I say and then when I do I read it again and think to myself why did I write that. Thinking how serious am I when I post responses that have negative inflection like that. I can see when it happens and wish I was good at stating positive words without the unwanted words that diminish the way I communicate on the sites. Its getting to the stage when I can maintain a decent conversation that goes for more than a few responses, I call that a success.

 

[SamE]

If I have any critique of your messages, I'd say some insecurity crept through. You pretty much explained it yourself here (quoted below), with the "too honest" bit, but you failed to see the same mistake occurring in what you're simultaneously admitting to. "Honesty" is not the problem, but vulnerability can be. It can almost seem like a guilt-trip, where you make the other person feel bad for your negative past experiences so they will not reject you. Being someone who has pity-dated, I've come to resent when men come off that way. It does read as "needy". It's also just a downer. It's not "nice" at all. I don't think that little bit would be enough to scare someone off, but it's something to keep in mind.

You kept it upbeat throughout the rest of your messages though, and that is great. Just keep trying; these things take time, unfortunately. At the very least, it gives you "practice".

Thanks Orangeappled. Yeah that's true. I understand what your saying. I get in an insecure phase where I start speaking emotionally and when I draw from my past experiences then I speak like a victim rather than create the foundation for equal communication. I did it in this thread too, I started talking and then backed it up with my own resistance and guilt. How do I train myself to remove this unwanted way of communicating. I know I do it when stressed more often than when I'm happy. Its like the thoughts just quickly go to a lack. Whereby I focus on my needs that I lack and project them outward and has been such a limiter in my experiences that I know as soon as I talk confidently there is no room for such discussion.

That's what its about, feels now that my energy has changed so has my attitude in some ways. I think I had a very juvenile attitude even though it hardly showed at all. And now I'm in a different space, and instead of being afraid of communicating socially I am doing so without doubt now. And every time I speak I speak without expecting a response and it surprises me that I have. When I communicate openly then this happens more and more and practicing how to communicate is integral.

 

[SamE]

Speaking of which.

How about yourself, what are your views on what makes a good friendship and relationship?

I mean at the end of the day there is only meaning when we want to create the energy for any kind of relationship to work. It could be the most comfortable friendship just like that, that could lead to something more who knows. The worst that could happen is that I've said something awkward and the best that I'll get to know a new friend. I know that anything beyond that depends on trust and seeing if there is any chemistry. Just the ability to talk with a like minded individual is what would make my days more interesting.

After all creativity is an interesting spark and when you have that inclination in whatever shape or form you just know, you have to move with the now and let the creative energy flow a bit to be creative. I knew a friend who was a musician, she was an amazing singer. Which got me me to realise that the true beauty in music is the composer creating their songs and giving life to those words that have meaning for them every time. And then the emotional center of her expressing that music outwardly has more conviction wouldn't you say? I myself can hardly stay in tune haha but boy when I hear some of the sounds and talents of musicians around the place, makes me very proud to be. Its when I helped support local acts before, just having a venue to be able to express their creativity is a rewarding kind of energy, the atmosphere is.

Does that say anything about me, who knows. All I know is that we have interests that coincide and that is a good quality.

You said that you have traveled, would you talk about some of your traveling experiences?
I noticed you have C++ as one of your languages, do you like programming?

My follow up conversation was strange.
I feel like I'm self sabotaging.

I am exploring and talking about this so that I can be a better communicator in identify where it comes from.

 

[SamE]

Oh no I'm in a semi catatonic state right now.

I just had a look and I noticed my current woman I'm talking with is an ISFJ I think. Probably if she hardly says anything by the end of weekend its +1 to my non social reps.

Hahha and then I randomly said this to another lady on the site.

Hi selective responder.

Not really interested in you per say, don't even know you, I doubt if I did I'd see eye to eye by the sounds of it. Look at that a whopping 60% enemy.
*evil glare*

But what I would like to know is your personality type based according to MBTI.

Picturing you as a Sensor. Maybe ESFP is what my impression says which sounds random and that is why I'm asking.

My hobby is personalities and typing peoples characteristics and attitudes. I create Personality Motivational Posters you see. I'm visually interpretative rather than verbally communicative. The more I know the better I am able at creating more motivational posters.

Cheers.

Somebody hit me with a brick pls!
I'm gonna die a chainsaw death I just know it.

 

[LoneArcher86]

. Its getting to the stage when I can maintain a decent conversation that goes for more than a few responses, I call that a success.

That is deffinately a success to celebrate. As corny as it may sound, praise yourself for these successes. Over time, it will elevate your level of confidence.

 

[sassafras]

Meh, I wouldn't say it was anything you said or did that caused her lack of response. Nor would I take it so personally if she did perceive some sort of mis-step on your part. Some people are looking for something specific; a certain mood, a certain vibe, a certain interest, etc. Doesn't at all mean you're not worthy of dating just because one person didn't take it the whole nine yards.

I thought those messages you sent back and forth were perfectly fine. Nothing freaky. Nothing weird. Polite, friendly and charismatic.

I think you're beating yourself up too much over this. I suspect your own self-consciousness is your greatest obstacle and it wouldn't surprise me if it permeates your daily interactions. People pick up on self-consciousness like drug-dogs pick up on cocaine and they start to wonder, "well, if this person isn't even giving themselves a vote of confidence... why should I?"

I wish there was something I could do or tell you that would help you make you an instant confidence-master, but alas, there isn't anything I can advise without knowing you very well.

But I agree with most people here. No one is 'undateable.' You'll find your mate, eventually. Chin up.

 

[Eduard]

Hmmm, I see a potential case of the nice guy syndrome here. The discussion you shared starts OK, but there is that spark missing. You seem to me a bit too accommodating.

If a women stops a conversation online, it doesn't mean that you have to do the same. You can keep initiating, ask open ended question, maybe tease her a little for not answering to your emails. Be bold, it's one of the most attractive traits a man can have.

 

[44sunsets]

Then she didn't say anything else.

Help...

How do I create a love life?

I'll be brutally honest here... she most likely just got bored. I skimmed most of what you wrote because it didn't hold my attention, and it was tiresome to read. Women on dating sites get dozens, even hundreds of "leads", and if you're not interesting, you're out of the race. This pretty much applies for face-to-face dating as well.

So how do you create a love life? You need to become an interesting person. Have interesting hobbies. You gotta have at least one, burning, defining passion in your life. The kind that lights up your face whenever you talk about it, and inspires others. BTW MBTI personality type and helping people on internet forums does not count as an interesting hobby, unfortunately.

Don't make it your goal to get a girlfriend/partner/spouse. Make it your goal to lead an exciting, passionate, purposeful life. The rest will follow naturally.

I know it's counter-intuitive and counter-your-nature, but don't get into such serious and heavy conversations when you first contact people. Dating is light-hearted and fun, not a philosophy exam. Don't act like the millions of other boring guys who drool over women when they pay the slightest attention to you. You're a man, not a neglected puppy.

Your goal when dating online should be to move towards an initial face-to-face meeting so you can actually assess each other to see if you'll hit it off. Physical presence is much more important than a lot of people realise. It's the fairest thing for both parties involved. Don't get involved in some long, drawn out discussion disguised as "getting to know each other better" before making the all-important move to face-to-face meeting in a neutral public space, such as a cafe + art gallery outing.

 

[Gaze]

That's true. I try to avoid doing that, the more I resist the more I reveal myself as a mess. I know I have strong points, though for the life of me I tend to jump to the negatives as if defensive. Which makes the situation awkward as soon as I do it. I know as soon as I say it, I hang there for hours sometimes, spending so much energy thinking am I going to post what I say and then when I do I read it again and think to myself why did I write that. Thinking how serious am I when I post responses that have negative inflection like that. I can see when it happens and wish I was good at stating positive words without the unwanted words that diminish the way I communicate on the sites. Its getting to the stage when I can maintain a decent conversation that goes for more than a few responses, I call that a success.

Thanks Orangeappled. Yeah that's true. I understand what your saying. I get in an insecure phase where I start speaking emotionally and when I draw from my past experiences then I speak like a victim rather than create the foundation for equal communication. I did it in this thread too, I started talking and then backed it up with my own resistance and guilt. How do I train myself to remove this unwanted way of communicating. I know I do it when stressed more often than when I'm happy. Its like the thoughts just quickly go to a lack. Whereby I focus on my needs that I lack and project them outward and has been such a limiter in my experiences that I know as soon as I talk confidently there is no room for such discussion.

That's what its about, feels now that my energy has changed so has my attitude in some ways. I think I had a very juvenile attitude even though it hardly showed at all. And now I'm in a different space, and instead of being afraid of communicating socially I am doing so without doubt now. And every time I speak I speak without expecting a response and it surprises me that I have. When I communicate openly then this happens more and more and practicing how to communicate is integral.

I can relate to much of this. I am the female version of this. And i really want to snap out of it.

I'll be brutally honest here... she most likely just got bored. I skimmed most of what you wrote because it didn't hold my attention, and it was tiresome to read. Women on dating sites get dozens, even hundreds of "leads", and if you're not interesting, you're out of the race. This pretty much applies for face-to-face dating as well.

So how do you create a love life? You need to become an interesting person. Have interesting hobbies. You gotta have at least one, burning, defining passion in your life. The kind that lights up your face whenever you talk about it, and inspires others. BTW MBTI personality type and helping people on internet forums does not count as an interesting hobby, unfortunately.

Don't make it your goal to get a girlfriend/partner/spouse. Make it your goal to lead an exciting, passionate, purposeful life. The rest will follow naturally.

I know it's counter-intuitive and counter-your-nature, but don't get into such serious and heavy conversations when you first contact people. Dating is light-hearted and fun, not a philosophy exam. Don't act like the millions of other boring guys who drool over women when they pay the slightest attention to you. You're a man, not a neglected puppy.

Your goal when dating online should be to move towards an initial face-to-face meeting so you can actually assess each other to see if you'll hit it off. Physical presence is much more important than a lot of people realise. It's the fairest thing for both parties involved. Don't get involved in some long, drawn out discussion disguised as "getting to know each other better" before making the all-important move to face-to-face meeting in a neutral public space, such as a cafe + art gallery outing.

Hate to admit, but i have to agree.

 

[Kgal]

So how do you create a love life? You need to become an interesting person. Have interesting hobbies. You gotta have at least one, burning, defining passion in your life. The kind that lights up your face whenever you talk about it, and inspires others. BTW MBTI personality type and helping people on internet forums does not count as an interesting hobby, unfortunately.

Don't make it your goal to get a girlfriend/partner/spouse.

Make it your goal to lead an exciting, passionate, purposeful life. The rest will follow naturally.

I know it's counter-intuitive and counter-your-nature, but don't get into such serious and heavy conversations when you first contact people. Dating is light-hearted and fun, not a philosophy exam. Don't act like the millions of other boring guys who drool over women when they pay the slightest attention to you. You're a man, not a neglected puppy.

Your goal when dating online should be to move towards an initial face-to-face meeting so you can actually assess each other to see if you'll hit it off. Physical presence is much more important than a lot of people realise. It's the fairest thing for both parties involved. Don't get involved in some long, drawn out discussion disguised as "getting to know each other better" before making the all-important move to face-to-face meeting in a neutral public space, such as a cafe + art gallery outing.

+1

 

[SamE]

Don't make it your goal to get a girlfriend/partner/spouse. Make it your goal to lead an exciting, passionate, purposeful life. The rest will follow naturally.

Partial truth.

I know it's counter-intuitive and counter-your-nature, but don't get into such serious and heavy conversations when you first contact people. Dating is light-hearted and fun, not a philosophy exam. Don't act like the millions of other boring guys who drool over women when they pay the slightest attention to you. You're a man, not a neglected puppy.

Partial truth. There is actually a huge gulf between how I communicate online and how I communicate in person. I am expressive on forums and dull in person in the advent of health issues.

The energy has changed since then to what it used to be when I was young and knew had I had that kind of energy this discussion would be entirely different than it stands.

Your goal when dating online should be to move towards an initial face-to-face meeting so you can actually assess each other to see if you'll hit it off. Physical presence is much more important than a lot of people realise. It's the fairest thing for both parties involved. Don't get involved in some long, drawn out discussion disguised as "getting to know each other better" before making the all-important move to face-to-face meeting in a neutral public space, such as a cafe + art gallery outing.

And that is a crucial element, presence, to have the presence and demenour in personality to become the instrument of change that creates the flow of energy. And this energy and presence by in large until recently has been absent. And had it continued this advice you have given me would be less effective than it is now. For it is a presence of consciousness where in this time reality we are able to manifest that which is our self belief and confidence eternal when genuine flow on effect starts happening.

I oozed charisma when I was young, this like a light bulb switched off and much of my life has been spent in pursuit of reactivating the personality matrix that became lost in translation of who I am you know. For I believe in synchronicity, positive syncing and negative syncing and the longer the energy goes towards that manifestation that is most wanted, like a revolution, we do bring into awareness this quality and then the manifestation of the kind of people we want happen in our lives sooner. When out of alignment the bridge between the intervals is longer, when in alignment the bridge between the intervals of experience and receiving that which is wanted are happening is along a shorter time frame. And then it is as it is, at that point when the intersection of awareness happens does the person create the manifestations of a personal nature. From that foundational infrastructure in allowing the relationship that creates passion and intensity the flow of energy in being present and conscious happens.

I very much doubt that having a purposeful life alone will create the environment for the right kinds of women to meet up with me when I am out of alignment to my endevours. It is only when you reach a certain point and this I say is difficult for a great many to understand and reconnect with the spirit body, bring into the self the conscious template of change towards a creator mentality can there be peace.

And the ridiculous games and double standards that are reinforced amidst society, indeed western culture is such that false premises and partial ones are created from birth and nestled as our core beliefs and values. This wouldn't be the case if fear and control wasn't so prevalent throughout history in every form, whether political, religious, scientific, military, relationships, the whole lot. There is a lot of misconception when it comes to that.

But of course I just want to date and your advice is very sound.

Thank you for taking the time to write your thoughtful response.

 

[SamE]

Hmmm, I see a potential case of the nice guy syndrome here. The discussion you shared starts OK, but there is that spark missing. You seem to me a bit too accommodating.

If a women stops a conversation online, it doesn't mean that you have to do the same. You can keep initiating, ask open ended question, maybe tease her a little for not answering to your emails. Be bold, it's one of the most attractive traits a man can have.

I know.

What I want to know is where does it end, is there an over reliance on the male presence to continue being the initiator in the relationship, would the balance become disproportionate or equal later on?

Is it the mans responsibility to become the one wanting, what a strange learned expectation women have, they think too highly of themselves because of their biology sometimes and men play into their games as much as they play games. Twisted.

I have been the nice guy sadly not by choice but by having my personality switched off its noticeable, people with disability are ignored much worse. I know this year is by far going to be different than any before. because I am myself more and more.

 

[Gaze]

Yeah probably. I am intense when I speak but If I was any more casual though I'd fall off a truck.

Yeah, i can be intense but i try to be tres relaxed although i think it can go to the extreme, if i try too hard to appear too relaxed.

I don't agree with this one part. I prefer that people ask me questions about things in my profile because it shows they might have actually took maybe 30 seconds to look over it and try to form some idea of what kind of person I am instead of just contacting me because they liked my pictures. It's annoying how many guys don't even do that much. It seems they just want to shove all their ideals of the "perfect woman" onto someone they don't even know. I just want to know that we have things in common first.

agree

 

[SamE]

Scratch this thread.

It has everything to do with energy and sensing a mans, man scent.
When a mans scent, mojo, oozes out of him, women are attracted to him sexually.
When it is missing the opposite is true. However attractive I may be physically without a man scent I would have continued along this path of loneliness for the rest of my life. I do not even need to lead an exciting, passionate and purposeful life as long as my man scent is back where it belongs my sacral chakra. Now woman find me sexually desirable, attractive, flirt with me, give me attention, phone numbers, sms me, talk with me etc effortlessly. There is no longer fear of my energy.

How remarkable...