Nice girl/guy syndrome

[TinyBubbles]

Each person has a right to decide how much they want to give.

true.

It's the other person's choice to respect or take advantage of it.

no. it depends on how it is presented; you make it sound like the nice person has no control over how he or she is received.

And again, the typically nice person is not begging anyone for anything by being nice. They are simply behaving as they are.

that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. i'm not sure where you're getting "typically" from though, many nice people do in fact use their niceness to get what they want, it's not always done purely for selfless reasons. but i'll assume for the sake of argument that most don't.

Everyone is free to accept or respond it however they choose, but they are entirely responsible for how they interpret or perceive it.

maybe in an ideal world, but how do you think advertising works? politics? propaganda? people don't just decide to be led astray, it is done without their knowing. example: when you recieve a xmas gift from a co-worker, despite not really knowing or caring about them prior, don't you feel obliged to reciprocate? they are being nice, and might not expect anything in return, but your perception will still be that you should give something back, particularly if the gift is extravagant. so it's not entirely in the hands of the recipient as to how they receive your niceness.

And nice is not a synonym for passivity. You may perceive nice as passive, but find that the person is far from. They just haven't let you in on it yet. They may choose to be accepting and forgiving (and don't assume they don't see what you're doing) until you really cross the line, and then you'll get a taste of the strength and wrath you never thought they had.

I agree, but niceness CAN turn into passiveness if you don't know when to stop. indiscriminate forgiving is as bad as never forgiving, imo.

(btw thanks so much restraint for replying back! I love that we can have such conversations here

 

[Gaze]

true.

no. it depends on how it is presented; you make it sound like the nice person has no control over how he or she is received.

They may influence the perception but they can't be responsible for someone's misunderstanding, inadequate or limited interpretation of what it means. We are still accountable for our perceptions.

that's fine, there's nothing wrong with that. i'm not sure where you're getting "typically" from though, many nice people do in fact use their niceness to get what they want, it's not always done purely for selfless reasons. but i'll assume for the sake of argument that most don't.

I never meant to say that nice people are purely nice, and rarely have selfish motives. My point was really that too often niceness is misinterpreted for something more sinister than it was intended. But this depends on persons, circumstances, etc.

maybe in an ideal world, but how do you think advertising works? politics? propaganda? people don't just decide to be led astray, it is done without their knowing. example: when you recieve a xmas gift from a co-worker, despite not really knowing or caring about them prior, don't you feel obliged to reciprocate? they are being nice, and might not expect anything in return, but your perception will still be that you should give something back, particularly if the gift is extravagant. so it's not entirely in the hands of the recipient as to how they receive your niceness.

Yes, we have some influence on the way "niceness" is perceived no doubt. But it can't always be so easily be reduced to underhanded motives and manipulative strategies.

I agree, but niceness CAN turn into passiveness if you don't know when to stop. indiscriminate forgiving is as bad as never forgiving, imo.

Depends on the person and situation. Giving is sometimes more about the giver than the receiver (which could be a bad or good thing depending on how you look at it)

(btw thanks so much restraint for replying back! I love that we can have such conversations here

Thx. interesting stuff.

 

[Roger]

I don't see any need of remain PERFECT at the time of dating and also for job interview. It looks complicated, but it is not that.

1. Always be alert by what do you want
2. Maintain attitude
3. Talk with discipline when it is needed
4. Have confidence
5. MOST IMP. thing: complete faithful with yourself

 

[Reon]

(Excuse my writing - a bit formal sometimes)

Apparently, when dating, it's not a good thing to appear to be too nice or accommodating. Why? It seems that being nice or too nice has many meanings, much of which isn't intended by the person who is naturally "nice" or showing niceness.

Stereotypically, it is seen as being a bit desperate, needy, too available, just a friend material, overall cluelessness, or even naivete (because if you really knew what the world was really like you would undoubtedly be an all knowing, snarky, cynical, sarcastic or even quite "bitchy" human being), etc.

Even in job interviews, it seems the more "nice" you are (at least here), the less competent or capable you're perceived to be. And for a first impression on a date, it can imply, for some, weakness or lack of assertiveness.

Today, appearing cool and somewhat aloof, gives the impression that you are confident, comfortable, capable, in control, etc. Consequently, it seemingly indicates you have more to offer. Although, there are benefits to this kind of performance, it is limiting and restrictive.

So, is it really such a bad thing to be a "nice" girl or guy? Really?

I have to go to school soon (Ugh....Jazz band at 7:30, means I gotta be up at 6:20) but I do believe a majority of the cases of people who are atypically nice are, in fact, weak and majorly non assertive. This is also the first time I've heard about being nice on a job interview could make you seem less competent. Also, I don't believe in altruism so I don't believe most people are just randomly nice.

 

[Norton]

Despite being a strong T, I always try to be nice, polite and courteous. Good manners are the grease of society.

Unfortunately, now in the U.S., good manners are lacking. Incivility reigns. You can't just disagree with someone. You have to also consider them stupid, unpatriotic, and evil.

 

[Trifoilum]

So, is it really such a bad thing to be a "nice" girl or guy? Really?

sometimes people claim to be nice when they are actually very hostile, and in complete denial of it.

other times people use "niceness" to justify doing the wrong thing. in that case it becomes a form of manipulation.

and obviously being nice in a professional setting eg. at work, is a different issue to being nice to your family or friends.

genuine niceness, though, when you're just trying to be friendly and to make someone feel better with no agenda behind it, i think is a wonderful thing, and i appreciate the effort.

i think though some people are too nice for their own good, and lose a lot of opportunities and self respect by always giving in to what others want.

+1. Niceness can be misleading, manipulative, and very passive aggresive. But 'not nice' does not mean 'tactless'. People seems to believe that not being nice = being a unmannered, rude, boasting jerkass. IMO, that's in another realm of thought.

There are two schools of thought that I noticed, both outside and inside of my head:
1) Niceness is a default. What happened to basic adherence to etiquette? You won't get anything just by "playing nice" because most people take it (understandably) for granted. what else do you offer? Kind heart? Security? Good looks?
But apparently this is not the common school of thought amongst people.

2) Niceness is -not- a default. I've heard a very nice maxim from a website concerning dating website; "Most people like jerks, anyway." "No, they like someone who acts like a jerk to everyone except them." I think this says a lot.

I never meant to say that nice people are purely nice, and rarely have selfish motives. My point was really that too often niceness is misinterpreted for something more sinister than it was intended. But this depends on persons, circumstances, etc.

Because there are lots of bad examples concerning niceness.

 

[Korg]

The term "nice" tends to be used inappropriately on this matter. IME, when someone is accused of being "too nice", what they're really accused of is not niceness at all but, instead, being an obsequious, insecure coward without a strong identity. Such folks communicate a message of "I'm not sure of my competencies, attractiveness or value as a human being so I'm going to overcompensate by being non-threatening to you. That way, you won't challenge me or confront me thereby making me feel anxious. Instead, you'll feel at ease and, hopefully, be attracted to my overly-nice demeanor and develop the kind of liking for me that I secretly need in order to feel valid." To me, that's not "nice", that's just being a pussy.

I prefer to think of "nice" as being part of a code of honor. It's being so grounded in yourself and sure of who you are that you are able to be loving without feeling threatened. You aren't worried about what you'll get in return or whether or not you'll be appreciated for it. You do nice things because you see value in the act itself.

 

[Trifoilum]

The term "nice" tends to be used inappropriately on this matter. IME, when someone is accused of being "too nice", what they're really accused of is not niceness at all but, instead, being an obsequious, insecure coward without a strong identity. Such folks communicate a message of "I'm not sure of my competencies, attractiveness or value as a human being so I'm going to overcompensate by being non-threatening to you. That way, you won't challenge me or confront me thereby making me feel anxious. Instead, you'll feel at ease and, hopefully, be attracted to my overly-nice demeanor and develop the kind of liking for me that I secretly need in order to feel valid." To me, that's not "nice", that's just being a pussy.

This. THIS. It's this kind of people who abuse niceness instead of...I dunno. Being an vertebrate?

I prefer to think of "nice" as being part of a code of honor. It's being so grounded in yourself and sure of who you are that you are able to be loving without feeling threatened. You aren't worried about what you'll get in return or whether or not you'll be appreciated for it. You do nice things because you see value in the act itself.

IMO, tho, it's expanded beyond niceness and into actual kindness and altruism territory. Which is good.

 

[Wyst]

I think the nice guy never actually goes for what he really wants. IME, when it comes to relationships the nice guy (ME!) either doesn't really know what he wants or doesn't want it bad enough to step on toes to go out and take it.

For me, 'nice guy' equals 'wishy washy'. Recently, I've learned to speak my mind, refuse what I don't want, and to go for what I do want.

Shedding the 'nice guy' mentality doesn't mean you have to become an asshole and lose all sense of being respectful or gentlemanly. It does, however, involve growing a pair.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

Shedding the 'nice guy' mentality doesn't mean you have to become an asshole and lose all sense of being respectful or gentlemanly. It does, however, involve growing a pair.

+1

 

[Sparkz]

I may post more later after I get sleep, but I thought that this quote credited to Mother Teresa applied to what you said.

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway
​

Just as a caveat, what I was getting at with this is that basically you shoudln't care about what people think about when you are too nice because really in the end people don't matter. As long as you are happy and you enjoy doing what you are doing then continue to do it no matter what (as long as it doesn't harm others)

 

[Neva]

I do no understand why others will perceive nice individuals with such negativity but that is perhaps something I might never understand. I can indeed relate to this syndrome in which I appear to be overly nice and therefore ignored and isolated. Why? it is not that I am seeking attention perhaps or being too open, it is just ingrained in me to naturally help others, be polite. I take pleasure in helping, however in the current society today I have noticed that this does indeed seen as weakness by many. People tend to use this people for their selfish purpose and well afterwords nothing really gets accomplished. I enjoy helping others but at no means I am naive, I know when people are taking advantage, I just go with the flow. Why? I guess I am naive in the sense that I still have idealistic positive outlooks on humanity. No matter how much I tell myself that people are selfish and dishonest, I keep telling myself that it is my responsibility to not be this way, and help out as much as I can. I am guessing this is seen as unusual behavior by many and therefore they tend to ignore the individual who is to nice. In reality, I do not believe being too calm is seen with positive eyes. At least from what I've seen many are attracted to outgoing, assertive types which indeed makes those who might not be so strong in those particular areas ignored or isolated.

First of all, GREAT topic!! I logged in today thinking to start a topic like this one and when I found this one...I felt like it spoke my mind. Second of all, Raccoon Love read & said everything on my mind. I'm having trouble with this "niceness" of just being myself and it's bothering me because I can tell people around are taking advantage of me, yet I still care and give all I have to make them happy. Why? I have no clue. There's this thing that's been bothering me for a couple of days now. It's one of my close friends acting weird and I really don't know how to deal with it. I tried to call him a couple of times one day, he didn't answer whenever I called and when I called him later on that day once again, he didn't pick up, but he cancelled on me....which says it loud and clear "I see that you're calling me, but I don't want to talk to you"...then a day later I tried to call him again to find out what's wrong...never answered until at night when I called and he finally picked up. He was acting weird over the phone and I told him that I was bothered that he didn't pick up and even saw me call and cancelled on me. What did he say to that? I had some things to do and I couldn't pick up. Then when I asked him why he didn't call me back...his answer was he "FORGOT"...I think it's crap because if you care to ask about someone or find out why they were calling, the least you could do is call back or send an sms. I'm trying to back off from this person because it really hurts to know that they don't care as much as we do care about them....but again, I keep telling myself, nobody is perfect. So, it's things like that, that makes me think, why should I care if this person don't care at all like that?!!