Selfishness or Self Preservation?

efromm said:
Get a pontoon type of boat instead of a kayak. You still get to float. Your safer because of the stability. I've seen guys shoot all kinds of rapids on them. Plus if you fall in noself righting. Might be more difficult to get back into. I don't know. Just a suggestion. Take or leave it either way.
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thats kinda what i was thinkin.. or a kayak with some pontoons attached
 
2 person kyack and make him come with you. Then he feels like he has more control of the situation and you get to do something together where you are in the lead (because it's your thing that you know about) which might help you with your loss of control feelings.

I get that it might be an alone thing that you like to do, but brining him in seems like a fair compromise to me.

If he really sucks at kayaking then maybe he could still hang around on the shore or something and fish or something and still be able to get to you quickly if something does go south.

PS: You aren't selfish, not even close.
 
Whiskey Snow said:
2 person kyack and make him come with you. Then he feels like he has more control of the situation and you get to do something together where you are in the lead (because it's your thing that you know about) which might help you with your loss of control feelings.

I get that it might be an alone thing that you like to do, but brining him in seems like a fair compromise to me.

If he really sucks at kayaking then maybe he could still hang around on the shore or something and fish or something and still be able to get to you quickly if something does go south.
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Unfortunately, he doesn't like to kayak. But it's a nice idea.

He also doesn't like to fish, etc. But I'm all for the hanging out and watching part, until he can see that I've got a handle on things.
 
Perhaps it would be more helpful if you simply look for advice that is more professional than an internet forum.
I am sorry if I am going to be too blunt, but because I can relate to your position and as some people already suggested, you know very well that the issue here is not only kayaking. The change you've both been through is rather significant and recent and in order to reach mutual understanding, it is important to open up and communicate first about all the loss, fear and grief you are both still going through (or get better awareness of those feelings even).
 
PapillonT said:
Perhaps it would be more helpful if you simply look for advice that is more professional than an internet forum.
I am sorry if I am going to be too blunt, but because I can relate to your position and as some people already suggested, you know very well that the issue here is not only kayaking. The change you've both been through is rather significant and recent and in order to reach mutual understanding, it is important to open up and communicate first about all the loss, fear and grief you are both still going through (or get better awareness of those feelings even).
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It's perfectly fine if you're blunt, you don't have to apologize. But please know that I had no expectation that this would be solved on an internet forum. I was just opening up and sharing something that's going on in my personal life. And I found a number of the things that people shared to be valuable.
 
Wildfire said:
It's perfectly fine if you're blunt, you don't have to apologize. But please know that I had no expectation that this would be solved on an internet forum. I was just opening up and sharing something that's going on in my personal life. And I found a number of the things that people shared to be valuable.
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:hug:
 
Maybe the concern is more what might worsen your situation, rather than drowning? Having a back nobody will operate on again, my wife worries I will hurt my back climbing into or out of a portable deer stand...beyond repair.

If I were to suit you up in the best personal flotation devices, life jackets, and flares? Show how well they work in a swimming poll? Still no. Kicking your legs around and turning while floating could paralyze you. It could happen. I would offer to try drawing, art, or even photography or filming your sport. You could show your heart to the world in a beautiful way.

I dreamed I was at work in a wheelchair just last night, only to find this thread today. My advice is to learn how to enjoy your sport and love in a different way. I now have two broken titanium screws and a slight fracture in my S1, and nobody will touch it.
Loss of feeling in one of my greater toe areas is one thing, but think of what might could happen you may have to live with. Sorry, and hope this brings you hope and new ideas.
 
I worry more about your and your husband’s focus on the aspects of your condition that are “disabilities” rather than preserving life sustaining “abilities”. This is both mental and physical. I say this from a personal experience. I had a catastrophic accident rock climbing many years ago. I shouldn’t have survived, shouldn’t be able to walk and by all rights was told I would lose my left hand. None of those things happened because of something my main surgeon said as I was being discharged from the hospital after 6 months- I was in a wheelchair and partially paralyzed at the time. He said in response to my questions about prognosis for future, “We have repaired everything we can, your prognosis from here is up to you. What you push yourself to develop, how you push preserving function. If you give in to this- you will never leave that chair.” (Summary of conversation). Today I have full use of left hand and I was out of that chair so fast it blinded people with worry. Lots of people that loved me worried and worried and worried. They had that right. I did fall. I did take risks and pushed my spine and healing bones.

I am not saying you have the same situation and can reverse where you are, I am saying that it really is up to you to preserve the best of your life and what you can do to live it fully. People are going to worry and that is hard to reconcile sometimes. People will feel like they are protecting you from a possible danger and not understanding they are pushing you to adopt a far more life sapping situation. Yes, it does feel selfish. But it is equally selfish for others to allow their worry pressure you and take even more from you . In essence truncating your power over yourself and life.

A wheelchair can be a cage if you let it. But it’s an illusion. There are very practical limitations, yes- but most of what people will tell you that you can no longer have- is an illusion. Kayaking had risk before the wheelchair as @Deleted member 16771 has said. Now it is more challenging, but those challenges can be mitigated. You deserve to live.

Like others have said, find the safest way to mitigate the Kayak. Find a friend to go with you if you need to. Wear a specialized life vest. Do what you need to do except for letting ANYONE take more away from you. Do not give in on this.
 
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I, personally, feel my wife doesn't want to have to wait on me hand and foot. I feel she would rather have me as is than worse. Maybe I shouldn't care about her feelings?
 
Dopamine said:
I worry more about your and your husband’s focus on the aspects of your condition that are “disabilities” rather than preserving life sustaining “abilities”. This is both mental and physical. I say this from a personal experience. I had a catastrophic accident rock climbing many years ago. I shouldn’t have survived, shouldn’t be able to walk and by all rights was told I would lose my left hand. None of those things happened because of something my main surgeon said as I was being discharged from the hospital after 6 months- I was in a wheelchair and partially paralyzed at the time. He said in response to my questions about prognosis for future, “We have repaired everything we can, your prognosis from here is up to you. What you push yourself to develop, how you push preserving function. If you give in to this- you will never leave that chair.” (Summary of conversation). Today I have full use of left hand and I was out of that chair so fast it blinded people with worry. Lots of people that loved me worried and worried and worried. They had that right. I did fall. I did take risks and pushed my spine and healing bones.

I am not saying you have the same situation and can reverse where you are, I am saying that it really is up to you to preserve the best of your life and what you can do to live it fully. People are going to worry and that is hard to reconcile sometimes. People will feel like they are protecting you from a possible danger and not understanding they are pushing you to adopt a far more life sapping situation. Yes, it does feel selfish. But it is equally selfish for others to allow their worry pressure you and take even more from you . In essence truncating your power over yourself and life.

A wheelchair can be a cage if you let it. But it’s an illusion. There are very practical limitations, yes- but most of what people will tell you that you can no longer have- is an illusion. Kayaking had risk before the wheelchair as @Deleted member 16771 has said. Now it is more challenging, but those challenges can be mitigated. You deserve to live.

Like others have said, find the safest way to mitigate the Kayak. Find a friend to go with you if you need to. Wear a specialized life vest. Do what you need to do except for letting ANYONE take more away from you. Do not give in on this.
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Thank you so much for this @Dopamine.

Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.
 
I wanted to give an update on all this but life has been so crazy. I was able to sort through my feelings on the matter though, and then came up with a strategy to address the issues. So now all is well.

I was able to prove that I'm not only still safe in the water, but actually safer in the water than I am most other places. I can still swim well enough to be considered "water safe" by the professionals, and can even fall into the water without a life jacket, put one on while in the water and swim to the shore, or swim to the shore without one. So there's that. Then there's the fact that both my physical therapist and my therapist therapist agree that this is good for me. So there's that too.

At this point my hubs biggest objection is that I might have to rely on the kindness of strangers more often, but the same would hold true if I were out driving and got a flat tire or something. Avoiding that would require that I live in a bubble, which just isn't going to happen. So we're working on reasonable expectations.

And the fairness thing belongs to him. It's not mine to figure out. But when he does I will listen with love, appreciation, and consideration for both his needs and mine.

Anyway, I really want to thank you guys for your input and objectivity, and just giving me a place to think out loud.

:<3purple:
 
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