Setting boundaries with alcoholic family

[Cait Takara]

saving face for her. I know that protecting her reputation and feelings is not my responsibility

Well gee wilickers I'm glad there are empathetic people like you Asa, I wish I could allocate time towards such a charitable cause.
Perhaps you could elaborate on the personal benefits one might gain from that? As an 8w7, I can assure you I would never chance my peace on what clearly is chaos in denial lol. Hellalala nooooo.

 

[uuu]

Well gee wilickers I'm glad there are empathetic people like you Asa, I wish I could allocate time towards such a charitable cause.
Perhaps you could elaborate on the personal benefits one might gain from that? As an 8w7, I can assure you I would never chance my peace on what clearly is chaos in denial lol. Hellalala nooooo.

Peace is important to me, but so is my mom's wellbeing. I can make some, but not unlimited, allowances for her.

 

[Wyote]

Your efforts in navigating the situation are admirable @uuu
I hope you can work out a good compromise and that she'll see the benefits of staying sober around you.

 

[John K]

I think you are doing the right thing @uuu, We don't stop loving those close to us just because they have problems - it's when we can show what true love really means. At the same time you have to take care of your own health and stability, and try and avoid validating your mother's affliction by being too tolerant of it. Taking control of your relationship with her is the most loving thing you can do - all my very best wishes for the future. I hope very much that she can take responsibility eventually for her alcoholism and escape from it.

 

[Asa]

Well gee wilickers I'm glad there are empathetic people like you Asa, I wish I could allocate time towards such a charitable cause.
Perhaps you could elaborate on the personal benefits one might gain from that? As an 8w7, I can assure you I would never chance my peace on what clearly is chaos in denial lol. Hellalala nooooo.

?????????

Are you talking to me or uuu (whom you quoted)?

I also invite you to consider that cutting off family would be trading one form of chaos for another. The decision to cut family off must be weighed with great care.
Whatever @uuu's decision is, I support it.

 

[Cait Takara]

?????????

Are you talking to me or uuu (whom you quoted)?

I also invite you to consider that cutting off family would be trading one form of chaos for another. The decision to cut family off must be weighed with great care.
Whatever @uuu's decision is, I support it.

You @Asa...I'd think it's pretty evident since your username is the only one I referenced.

I fully support UUUs decision whatever it is. Do I support your incessant need to reply to every comment with a back handed compliment and a one up card for taking whatever higher road you've selected? No, I don't support that shit. Is that enough clarification? Or are you still lost?

 

[Wyote]

 

[John K]

I don't understand your problem with @Asa, @Cait Takara. The OP pivots around the question:

What should I do?

Those of us who have replied are each doing so from our own different life experiences, and each reply is valid within our own perspectives. It's inevitable that we each will bring different thoughts to the table and uuu will need to choose which combination of them, if any, most closely resonate with their own situation and their own personal needs. That's the nature of a thread like this, on this sort of site. I include your own view in this which is just as valid, and for some people the only possible safe way forward for them is to cut off contact with a close relative, if the alternative is even worse than that. I know from my own family experience though that cutting off someone as close as one of your parents or children can be like losing an arm or a leg. It might be necessary, but it's always disabling where I have actually come across it for real.

I value Asa's views very highly - she has a life experience that is so very rich, she has reflected on it more deeply than most folks do, she has a gift for 'seeing' others as they really are, and she brings deep insights to her comments that are more than worth considering. That's not the same as finding whatever she says hits everyone's particular needs whoever they are, because we all have to travel our own paths through life. But taking the time to reflect on what she says rather than dismissing it will always bring insight, and will enrich whatever choice we actually make.

 

[Sloe Djinn]

Well gee wilickers I'm glad there are empathetic people like you

Uuu's mom has entered the chat

 

[uuu]

Ugh.

I realize I forgot to follow up on how this went—objectively, it went well. She was on "good behavior" for the few days of my visit and we were able to have some difficult conversations about our different communication styles and my boundaries when it comes to her asking questions about my personal life. This gave me some confidence that going forward, these short visits will be manageable as long as I am firm about my boundaries and make plans in advance.

But that was several weeks ago, now, and unfortunately, things are rocky again. I found out this week that Mom has been sending pictures of me and my girlfriend to her mom (and perhaps other relatives) despite me asking Mom specifically not to tell others about this because it's a new relationship and I don't want anyone to form outsized expectations.

This has been a repeated problem with my Mom—she just can't keep a secret, and this is one reason I'm reluctant to talk to her about certain topics, and yet she constantly expresses dismay at how I "don't tell her anything" and when I tell her I don't want to talk about something, she regards it as an invitation to ask about it again in different words.

Anyway, I confronted my mom about this on the phone today and she got upset, saying "How was I supposed to know that was a secret?" I know she knew I didn't want her to share this, not least of all because her Mom told me (on the phone earlier this week) that she "knew she wasn't supposed to bring this up with me but ..."

So Mom pivoted to "Well geez, why would you want to keep a thing like that secret? It's good news, after all," and in fact I can think of several good reasons to keep it to myself (for example, wanting to share the good news myself rather than through her?) but I held my own and said that it shouldn't matter why I want to keep it a secret; if I tell her something in confidence, she needs to respect that.

Then she went "Well, I guess I'm just a failure as a mother once again" and abruptly ended the conversation.

Man, how do people live like this?

 

[Wyote]

Catastrophizing is a symptom of anxiety/depression so if she responds in that way frequently, that's probably why.
She probably doesn't recognize that that's what it is though, which makes that road a long one to travel to resolve things.