Small talk and not knowing what to say

kiu said:
Some years back I was approached by an elderly English woman who says, "Good morning. What do you think the weather will be like today?" or something like that. I replied, "I don't know, really. I didn't check the weather report." Apparently, this is the wrong thing to say.
Click to expand...

Haha, that's funny! Sorry, but I can't hold it. I just have to imagine that whole scene and the expression on her face.
 
AUM said:
Person: Hey, how are you?

Me: Good and you?

Person: Great...

Me: *silence*
Click to expand...
i go with the thought that you dont HAVE to say anything. they want to talk to YOU; it's [mostly] their burden for making the conversation interesting. if it gets awkward at the above, it's you making it awkward. awkward is a perception-- though, they can exacerbate and influence any thoughts of awkwardness, causing you to think its awkward.

then, on the other hand, you want interesting conversation with people and to seemingly 'help' them [in whatever subjective way you define it], so you must make a small effort to ask them about something in their life-- i usually ask them, then comment on it, then they comment on my comment, and i can almost always turn it away from small talk into something much more interesting in my perspective.
 
I'm only interested in my plans, and my plans are not of this planet. I prefer to keep them myself. If I do share my plans with someone, it is probably with a fellow man, and he probably doesn't understand half of what I'm saying anyway because I jump from the beginning of my plans to the end of my plans frantically when I speak. I never share my plans with women.

So if I can't talk about my plans, I have nothing to talk about because I have no interest in you, your day, or your plans, unless they interfere with my plans.
 
Oh, small talk is fine for me. I can do it if I have to. But I have a tendency to gear the conversation onto a deeper level within the first few minutes. I don't like wasting time with trivial things that don't matter. But I guess some people like talking about it, so I just humour them.

I always like to ask people what's new and exciting, or if they're having the time of their life. That usually takes the conversation in an interesting direction. Or I'll just make observations about things around us and go on different tangents. I just say whatever I feel like!
 
It used to drain me too... but that was because I would focus on the actual topic more than the reason for the small talk--to establish a connection with someone. I see it now more as an acknowledgement of another's presence.. and a signal of interest to relate. Now I'm usually much obliged in my small talk with others because I'm thinking more about the symbolic aspect of it. I appreciate it when strangers initiate small talk because I appreciate being acknowledged.

People I'm acquainted with, I don't really engage in small talk because we are beyond that level of communication.

There are levels of self-disclosure that people go through with one another. I don't expect to delve right into the deep stuff with people I don't really know right away.. to do so would signify that either I or the other party has a lack of boundaries.. But first there's the small talk, then the biographical information, then interests and opinions are revealed, then hopes and dreams.. then personal feelings. Small talk is the bridge to all these things.
 
Last edited:
I really hate small talk because I'm like, so much more deep and intelligent, like, than those idiots who like small talks.

Much better for your ego than saying "I suck at small talk", huh?
 
acd said:
It used to drain me too... but that was because I would focus on the actual topic more than the reason for the small talk--to establish a connection with someone. I see it now more as an acknowledgement of another's presence.. and a signal of interest to relate. Now I'm usually much obliged in my small talk with others because I'm thinking more about the symbolic aspect of it. I appreciate it when strangers initiate small talk because I appreciate being acknowledged.

People I'm acquainted with, I don't really engage in small talk because we are beyond that level of communication.

There are levels of self-disclosure that people go through with one another. I don't expect to delve right into the deep stuff with people I don't really know right away.. to do so would signify that either I or the other party has a lack of boundaries.. But first there's the small talk, then the biographical information, then interests and opinions are revealed, then hopes and dreams.. then personal feelings. Small talk is the bridge to all these things.
Click to expand...
nice insight! that's it; to gauge the other person and see what they're about. to see how positive they are about things, how open or closed, friendly, etc. small talk is used to get to know the other person; and set yourself up for them helping you later, and you helping them. it's useful to have friends.
 
I just small talked with a baby!

She told me something about "boobo poopo". I don't know what that means, though.

I'm making progress!
 
Last edited:
Bird said:
If I ask someone how they are I usually expect a detailed
answer like, "I'm quite awake. I went for a five mile run
this morning and watched the sunrise. It was really pretty
to see over the tree line this morning. Other than that,
my day really hasn't gone too far. As for me I am stressed,
my coworkers have been conspiring against me again. I
heard them talking in the back hall, they never leave me
enough lettuce either. It's frustrating. I want a new job."
Click to expand...

Me too. Also, if someone asks me how I am I assume the same, because if someone is asking they must actually want to know right? I know if I ask the same question I want to know. And then I spew and give them way too much information and scare them off sometimes. Or at least get the raised eyebrow and "alrighty then" sort of expression/response.
 
Jill Hives said:
Me too. Also, if someone asks me how I am I assume the same, because if someone is asking they must actually want to know right? I know if I ask the same question I want to know. And then I spew and give them way too much information and scare them off sometimes. Or at least get the raised eyebrow and "alrighty then" sort of expression/response.
Click to expand...

I kind of have a theory on this... Westerners ask, "How are you?" without really intending to find out--because to know the deep personal details of a stranger or acquaintance's life is awkward in a society as highly individualistic as ours, where other people are seen as competitors for resources and jobs etc. I think it comes from a deeper yearning to want to live in more intimate communities with others, without knowing how to achieve that in the individualistic culture we've gotten caught up in.
 
I generally interpret, "How are you?" as "Is this a convenient time to interact?" not as an invitation to spill my guts.
 
kiu said:
I generally interpret, "How are you?" as "Is this a convenient time to interact?" not as an invitation to spill my guts.
Click to expand...
Yeah in general, at least in the Western world, people seem to use the question as more of a greeting and less of a literal question.
 
Yeah, but then I have no idea how to answer that, or any idea if they want me to lie just so they can feel better having done their social duty. Do they really wanna know, or do they just want to hear i'm "good," or "fine?" I HATE that question. It forces me to lie, then I hate myself & feel more distant from them. Basically I just want to know WHY? What is the motive for the question? I can give you what you want, if I know your reason for inquiring.
 
when asked/ "How are you?" I have been known to respond. . "do you really want to know?" . that usually gets a smile and little else. . or Ihave simply told them how I felt. . one or two words. .
I really hate it. . but it seems to be what is expected of us. .
 
Here is someone making small talk, and getting responded with a very deep and uncomfortable answer probably not intended by the other. This is how I'm going to respond to everyone asking me silly questions :P

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0yuqpk00Ts"]YouTube - ‪Play It Again, Sam - Dating 2‬‏[/ame]
 
purplecrayons said:
Yeah, but then I have no idea how to answer that, or any idea if they want me to lie just so they can feel better having done their social duty. Do they really wanna know, or do they just want to hear i'm "good," or "fine?" I HATE that question. It forces me to lie, then I hate myself & feel more distant from them. Basically I just want to know WHY? What is the motive for the question? I can give you what you want, if I know your reason for inquiring.
Click to expand...

It's just wrong for me to be giving small talk advice. However, I consider myself an expert on, "How are you?" When I don't want to talk then I respond with "I'm fine. Thanks. You?" and sound bored. Sounding bored is rude but it is effective. When I'm open to conversation, I reply "I'm well, thank you" and smile genuinely. If they really wish to know then they'll follow up with more probing questions. If I'm feeling talkative, they'll soon regret it.
 
"How are you?"
It's an ambivalent question... like I stated above.
It signifies an interest to interact, without knowing how to express just that.

It's reflective of the type of society we live in: "I'd like to give that hitcher a ride home, they may really need help... or they may really be a rapist."
A desire to know one another and to help one another, and yet a fear of one another. We are an ambivalent people.

Humans are social animals... we're wired to live together and work together and depend on one another to a degree--but that sort of thing is not common outside of families and close friendship groups in our society. I think deep down most of us fancy ourselves truly caring and giving and open people, but our individualistic culture is a hindrance to that. "How are you?" is a way to express that ancient part of us. It's not a dishonest question, but a confused one. We're living in absurd times!

Take it for what it is: An acknowledgment. It's not meant to open the flood gates to all of your personal tragedies and triumphs when standing in line at the store. It's not dishonest to respond, "Alright, and you?" It's customary. There's no reason to hate yourself for not answering the question in 500 words or more.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top