small talk?

[toska]

i think maybe it can be useful in situations when i don't really want to KNOW someone, but i would prefer for them to feel comfortable. is this fake? what do other people think of small talk?

Yes definitely there are times and places where small talk is necessary. I learned this recently from a bad experience at a job where I got fired. Wish I had learned it earlier. Unfortunately you just can't ignore people, but at the same time there are some people that you REALLY, REALLY don't want to get to know because they cause unnecessary drama and unbelievable bullshit wherever they go. It's best to keep a certain psychological distance between yourself and these people, and small talk usually works.

 

[Gaze]

small talk with people you're comfortable with can be light and fun. hard to be serious or deep all the time.

 

[muir]

Sometimes you have to grease the wheels a bit to get by in life

In groups people are usually more self conscious and lighter conversation is more suitable. Humour is good for goup morale

But when you are alone with people it is often possible to have really interesting talks with them

Some situations call for light hearted, carefree chat and some call for warmer, deeper or more personal touches. They both have value; it's a case of doing the right thing at the right times.

 

[invisible]

If you dont give a shit about the person then why do you care if you are rude?

the part I underlined is what small talk is, why would you rather do small talk if you dont like small talk? Your post is confusing me.

i am coming back to this topic now, and noticed that i did not answer this at the time. i hope it doesnt seem too necrophiliac that it interests me to answer it now. i think that at the time, i was trying to say that small talk may be a preferable alternative to casual ostracism. it may be considerate of a person to acknowledge them through a bit of conversation, without necessarily expressing an inclination to connect with them deeply. of course, what i said then doesnt matter that much anymore, since i no longer believe that people "bore me to tears" or are "transparent" to me.

 

[invisible]

i love small talk. it is polite and considerate and interesting. it is a necessary skill, as we will all at some time be thrown into company with people who we do not necessarily have a lot in common with. it takes a lot of patience and good intentions to talk with someone about light topics that will engage without causing offense. people who have invested the effort necessary to become capable of competently performing small talk interest me much more than people who treat it with disdain.

people who are always in earnest about having deep conversations are annoying and draining. they are wasting their energy, believing that a few moments of conversation with a stranger will change the world. they are also inconsiderate, insisting that everyone should possess sufficient energy to talk with strange others about complicated things.

i will prefer an acquaintance who shows a willingness to engage in small talk, to an acquaintance who will be disregarding my sense of personal privacy and asking me a lot of deep personal questions about my convictions and the philosophies i might identify myself with.

 

[rawr]

same - i almost never have a problem with it and often initiate it. I think it's a good social skill and helps become familiar with others and/or seem friendly.

i love small talk. it is polite and considerate and interesting. it is a necessary skill, as we will all at some time be thrown into company with people who we do not necessarily have a lot in common with. it takes a lot of patience and good intentions to talk with someone about light topics that will engage without causing offense. people who have invested the effort necessary to become capable of competently performing small talk interest me much more than people who treat it with disdain.

people who are always in earnest about having deep conversations are annoying and draining. they are wasting their energy, believing that a few moments of conversation with a stranger will change the world. they are also inconsiderate, insisting that everyone should possess sufficient energy to talk with strange others about complicated things.

i will prefer an acquaintance who shows a willingness to engage in small talk, to an acquaintance who will be disregarding my sense of personal privacy and asking me a lot of deep personal questions about my convictions and the philosophies i might identify myself with.

 

[hush]

same - i almost never have a problem with it and often initiate it. I think it's a good social skill and helps become familiar with others and/or seem friendly.

hey rawr, how's the weather?

 

[rawr]

hey rawr, how's the weather?

great this morning, gonna be a bit on the warm side later - how's it over there?

 

[hush]

great this morning, gonna be a bit on the warm side later - how's it over there?

Beautiful, sunny and the temperature is just right. Not a cloud in the sky, clear and blue.

It's supposed to be a lovely day and I'm looking forward to it, thank you for asking.

 

[Eventhorizon]

Small talk annoying.

 

[Scientia]

I agree, as usual, with [MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION]. Small talk is preferable to not saying anything and it is extremely useful for testing the waters with new people or for politely keeping the ones you aren't interested in knowing well at bay. I also prefer it to an acquaintance you don't know well trying to delve into your deepest, darkest secrets right away. It's improper etiquette and it's exhausting to fend that off. A necessary tool but of course, not my preference when someone small talks me while I am trying to dissect his entire personality. In that situation, small talk is an obstacle and I think you need to tell me everything about you RIGHT NOW and if you mention the weather again, I will say something that will make you question yourself and think about what I said for days. You'll be back, my friend, to ask what I meant by that and then, I will know, your soul is mine. Well, that took a dark turn, didn't it?

 

[Paul Wenz]

I am often surprised at what people will tell me, i get into the most personal conversations with people with no effort.

Some i think would be good in a book i may write.
I don't do small talk very well.
but then i have never been single for very long.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

small talk may be a preferable alternative to casual ostracism. it may be considerate of a person to acknowledge them through a bit of conversation, without necessarily expressing an inclination to connect with them deeply.

[MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION] - Thank you for resurrecting this thread. You have just described perfectly what I have been doing for quite a number of years to my brother-in-law (more so recently as he was over visiting us last week). I don't trust or like him but I don’t have a desire to be rude or inhospitable when we are in each other’s company. He is a charming narcissist so my boundaries are very strict and we only ever engage in small talk. I absolutely will not participate in any other form of communication with him. If he wasn't a family member then there would be no hesitation in severing all contact. Somehow the small talk brings a form of stabilisation within the relationship. He is one person I never ever feel the urge to have a deep and meaningful conversation with….ohhhhh no! Awkward silences between the two of us is not an issue for me.....but I think it forces him to be real, if only for a few minutes at least (if that's possible).

I like the kind of small talk that surfaces in those unsuspecting and spontaneous moments with strangers when I'm out and about…..often initiated by me and the conversation just goes on. On these occasions, I often leave with a smile on my face, sometimes making a friend along the way or surprisingly end up seeing/meeting that person again in a different setting which is always a little spooky.

I admit though that once I get past the preliminary small talk, I do like to delve deeper and if it doesn’t happen, say over a period of a year (with those I’m in regular contact with) then I feel a little disappointed but also quite nonchalant about it all.

 

[Eventhorizon]

[MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION] - Thank you for resurrecting this thread. You have just described perfectly what I have been doing for quite a number of years to my brother-in-law (more so recently as he was over visiting us last week). I don't trust or like him but I don’t have a desire to be rude or inhospitable when we are in each other’s company. He is a charming narcissist so my boundaries are very strict and we only ever engage in small talk. I absolutely will not participate in any other form of communication with him. If he wasn't a family member then there would be no hesitation in severing all contact. Somehow the small talk brings a form of stabilisation within the relationship. He is one person I never ever feel the urge to have a deep and meaningful conversation with….ohhhhh no! Awkward silences between the two of us is not an issue for me.....but I think it forces him to be real, if only for a few minutes at least (if that's possible).

I like the kind of small talk that surfaces in those unsuspecting and spontaneous moments with strangers when I'm out and about…..often initiated by me and the conversation just goes on. On these occasions, I often leave with a smile on my face, sometimes making a friend along the way or surprisingly end up seeing/meeting that person again in a different setting which is always a little spooky.

I admit though that once I get past the preliminary small talk, I do like to delve deeper and if it doesn’t happen, say over a period of a year (with those I’m in regular contact with) then I feel a little disappointed but also quite nonchalant about it all.

This reminds me of my sister in law who I do like. However I find her to be on a completely different wave length. She cares about fashion and other things of the like. She is intelligent however her politics make her sound niave more often than not. I have to avoid serious conversations with her to keep conflict down so generally they are very short. I do like her though and though I am not a good judge of character she does seem to genuinely love my brother.

 

[invisible]

@invisible - Thank you for resurrecting this thread. You have just described perfectly what I have been doing for quite a number of years to my brother-in-law (more so recently as he was over visiting us last week). I don't trust or like him but I don’t have a desire to be rude or inhospitable when we are in each other’s company. He is a charming narcissist so my boundaries are very strict and we only ever engage in small talk. I absolutely will not participate in any other form of communication with him. If he wasn't a family member then there would be no hesitation in severing all contact. Somehow the small talk brings a form of stabilisation within the relationship. He is one person I never ever feel the urge to have a deep and meaningful conversation with….ohhhhh no! Awkward silences between the two of us is not an issue for me.....but I think it forces him to be real, if only for a few minutes at least (if that's possible).

I like the kind of small talk that surfaces in those unsuspecting and spontaneous moments with strangers when I'm out and about…..often initiated by me and the conversation just goes on. On these occasions, I often leave with a smile on my face, sometimes making a friend along the way or surprisingly end up seeing/meeting that person again in a different setting which is always a little spooky.

I admit though that once I get past the preliminary small talk, I do like to delve deeper and if it doesn’t happen, say over a period of a year (with those I’m in regular contact with) then I feel a little disappointed but also quite nonchalant about it all.

I think that's definitely the best way to manage interactions with that kind of character. Keep things light and easy, make no sudden moves, haha.

I like to know people a little deeper too.

I think maybe there are parts of myself that I don't want anyone getting access to. Like, "delicate" parts or something. People who do small talk seem a bit more respectful of that kind of thing.

 

[Paul Wenz]

I don't do small talk and most people know it so i don't get caught up.
So it kind of works.

Often surprises me how small the small talk is.

 

[Deleted member 10171]

A necessary tool but of course, not my preference when someone small talks me while I am trying to dissect his entire personality. In that situation, small talk is an obstacle and I think you need to tell me everything about you RIGHT NOW and if you mention the weather again, I will say something that will make you question yourself and think about what I said for days. You'll be back, my friend, to ask what I meant by that and then, I will know, your soul is mine. Well, that took a dark turn, didn't it?

[MENTION=12050]Superlative[/MENTION] - you are hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh very hard. :lol:

 

[Deleted member 10171]

I have to avoid serious conversations with her to keep conflict down so generally they are very short.

Could you possibly give me a run down on how that conversation gets played out? I mean do you just decide to agree with her or say nothing in order to prevent the conflict from occurring?

 

[Deleted member 10171]

I think maybe there are parts of myself that I don't want anyone getting access to. Like, "delicate" parts or something. People who do small talk seem a bit more respectful of that kind of thing.

Remind me to introduce you to my hubby's aunt - she has no regard for other people's personal space. She hardly ever blinks so never breaks eye contact with you, she has this overpowering and eccentric personality, follows you around talking at you, doesn't stop for breath, doesn't allow you to get a word in, doesn't waste any time in engaging in small talk (well all of 2 seconds) until she launches into asking the most personal of questions and will get to those delicate parts in no time. The most annoying part of it all is that at every question posed, her voice increasingly gets louder and louder......she usually ends up saying the most inappropriate things - what a hoot! Underneath all of that she's actually OK.

I remember the first time I met hubby's parents (spent the weekend with them) and the aunt turned up (unannounced so nobody warned me about her intrusive personality) in order to meet me and we had just literally sat down for lunch...she commented on how much she liked my combats (yes it was a long time ago) and then asked about my family.....when I said to her that my father was no longer around...she said, "...and how did your father die?"

 

[invisible]

Remind me to introduce you to my hubby's aunt - she has no regard for other people's personal space. She hardly ever blinks so never breaks eye contact with you, she has this overpowering and eccentric personality, follows you around talking at you, doesn't stop for breath, doesn't allow you to get a word in, doesn't waste any time in engaging in small talk (well all of 2 seconds) until she launches into asking the most personal of questions and will get to those delicate parts in no time. The most annoying part of it all is that at every question posed, her voice increasingly gets louder and louder......she usually ends up saying the most inappropriate things - what a hoot! Underneath all of that she's actually OK.

I remember the first time I met hubby's parents (spent the weekend with them) and the aunt turned up (unannounced so nobody warned me about her intrusive personality) in order to meet me and we had just literally sat down for lunch...she commented on how much she liked my combats (yes it was a long time ago) and then asked about my family.....when I said to her that my father was no longer around...she said, "...and how did your father die?"

I'm having fantasies of security doors just reading that!