sassafras
...
- MBTI
- .
I think it's great that you're putting in effort and getting everyone together. However, if you've spent most of your life outside of a social circle rather than being in one, the truth is that you've likely missed out on the more subtle social skills that can only develop through prolonged exposure to social groups that most people learned at a young age. These skills are not something that can be taught; in fact, no one could even give you a proper inventory of them all. It's something that must be absorbed and learned intuitively.
The good news is, it's not too late. The more social exposure you get, the better feel you get for it and the more adept you get at developing rapport and cementing friendships. So at the beginning, I'm sad to say, you're probably going to have to keep putting in way more effort to maintain that exposure until you subconsciously develop that charismatic glue. that easy ability to generate rapport, that draws people to you in a way that doesn't require your conscious effort all the time.
But while you work on that, it would be beneficial to start letting go of your fear because it will only hinder you rather than help you.
I find that whether we intend this or not, whenever we're afraid of something and we'd do anything to keep it from happening, a tiny ounce of inauthenticity and desperation leaks into our efforts and people pick up on it. It doesn't have to be obvious. In fact, most of the times its just a teeny, tiny whiff of an aroma of fear and folks start to wonder: why is this person trying so hard? What are they afraid of? What are they hiding? What do they want from me? And that subconsciously makes people pull back.
Meanwhile, on the individual level, fear gets in the way of us deriving meaning from our experiences, because instead of learning and growing from both positive and negative feedback, we spend more time scanning our environment for hints of our fears manifesting and finding ways to avoid it. This, in turn, makes us even less competent and we end up attracting into our lives exactly what we fear most.
My advice, therefore, is that if this is so important to you, you must shift your focus from 'fear of social exclusion' to 'opportunities for social inclusion' and try not to be so exacting in your expectations. People will naturally come to you when you relax. Until you do, take a task-oriented approach to your social life. Have a social quota to reach every week and try not to weigh each experience against your fears. Just take comfort in going out and socializing. Eventually, what isn't 'natural' to you will become second-nature and you won't feel so exhausted by it. It's like any skill. It takes time to develop enough competence before it feels comfortable and natural.
Eventually, you'll find yourself getting more and more included as you get on the same social wavelength as people and people start seeking you out.
The good news is, it's not too late. The more social exposure you get, the better feel you get for it and the more adept you get at developing rapport and cementing friendships. So at the beginning, I'm sad to say, you're probably going to have to keep putting in way more effort to maintain that exposure until you subconsciously develop that charismatic glue. that easy ability to generate rapport, that draws people to you in a way that doesn't require your conscious effort all the time.
But while you work on that, it would be beneficial to start letting go of your fear because it will only hinder you rather than help you.
I find that whether we intend this or not, whenever we're afraid of something and we'd do anything to keep it from happening, a tiny ounce of inauthenticity and desperation leaks into our efforts and people pick up on it. It doesn't have to be obvious. In fact, most of the times its just a teeny, tiny whiff of an aroma of fear and folks start to wonder: why is this person trying so hard? What are they afraid of? What are they hiding? What do they want from me? And that subconsciously makes people pull back.
Meanwhile, on the individual level, fear gets in the way of us deriving meaning from our experiences, because instead of learning and growing from both positive and negative feedback, we spend more time scanning our environment for hints of our fears manifesting and finding ways to avoid it. This, in turn, makes us even less competent and we end up attracting into our lives exactly what we fear most.
My advice, therefore, is that if this is so important to you, you must shift your focus from 'fear of social exclusion' to 'opportunities for social inclusion' and try not to be so exacting in your expectations. People will naturally come to you when you relax. Until you do, take a task-oriented approach to your social life. Have a social quota to reach every week and try not to weigh each experience against your fears. Just take comfort in going out and socializing. Eventually, what isn't 'natural' to you will become second-nature and you won't feel so exhausted by it. It's like any skill. It takes time to develop enough competence before it feels comfortable and natural.
Eventually, you'll find yourself getting more and more included as you get on the same social wavelength as people and people start seeking you out.
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