Thoughts From A Tired Soul

Thinking of you @Sandie33 - I hope and pray that your sister comes though OK. It seems to be one trial after another for you and your family. I really feel for you. Are still working out OK with the respite carer for your dad? At least that's a positive thing if it's still going well.

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Thinking of you @Sandie33 - I hope and pray that your sister comes though OK. It seems to be one trial after another for you and your family. I really feel for you. Are still working out OK with the respite carer for your dad? At least that's a positive thing if it's still going well.

Hi @John K , yes, that one was quite inspiring. ;)

The sister is out of surgery and they have given her a hefty dose of pain meds with phentonal...basically drug induced mild coma so she will lie still.

She had gone in to the cardiac unit because the fluid was causing her heart to beat incorrectly and in the lungs difficulty breathing. She was set to come home and instructed not to get out of bed without help, yet instead she got up to pack up and slipped and fell. It was a clean break from what my neice tells me. With brittle bones though the docs say she could break a finger just trying to sign her name. yikes!

She's going to rest a few days, and by Tuesday they'll send her across the sky walk into the rehabilitation home for 6-8 weeks before going home. I've mentioned in my other bloggy spot about her shattering her shin, unfortunately the hip break is in the opposite leg. She'll be in a wheelchair for the remainder of her life the doc says. With the brittle bones she will not be able to support her weight any longer.

I deeply appreciate your sentiments John, thank you. I'm resolute that it's simply our family's year. We had escaped death visiting within the family for a long while. It's amazing we've had six from November...I was upset earlier today thinking my sister would be the seventh. I can't seem to shake those vibes either. Perhaps not immediate, but soon I feel. Her heart is not good, even after bypass, yet she hasn't taken her medicines for months. It seems as if she'd rather not exist, and that hurts my heart. Regardless of animosity between she and I, that's not an outcome I'd wish for her.

A note on my new helper, she is a marvelous asset. She's 70, so the gap between she and Dad in age is a decade. They find much to talk about. I was amazed, shocked really, that she talked him into two games of Yatzee on Monday evening when she was here. They had tea with the cookies I'd made, (peanut butter blossoms, they are a peanut butter cookie cooked until 2 minutes done then a Hershey's chocolate kiss pressed in the center and baked for the remaining time ... they are amazingly good! lol).

I'm blessed with her help. My sister is wonky because she had thought Glory her replacement, and in a way she was. With the constant inconsistencies from my younger sister I had to do something. She would schedule things then either cancel day of or over book herself with others. I have another I interviewed too. She's a tad more expensive and looking to earn a 5 day a week paycheck, I kept her info but I need occasional help and mostly companion aide not full on HHA...yet.

As for as Dad doing the program, he's not interested in a routine, so I've been slowly bringing pieces of the program to him. ;) He told his physical therapist not to try to get past the boss, meaning me, lol.

I just keep reminding myself it won't be like this forever and I continually reach for the good in the experience. Which this caregiving is easy-peasy from a relaxed state, yet terrible when I'm immersed and feeling as though I'm drowning in thick toxic soup. The CART introduction works in tandem with my mental reminders that Dad is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.

Life is not for the feint of heart, ;)
 
Perhaps I'm the one with terminal restlessness. With all the happenings in the vicinity lately it has me wearing a tattered path in the carpet.

I'll not understand why my people turn to me for answers, yet drown me in their agenda of what they want me to do.

My actions are in ways foreign to them, yet they keep driving at putting Me in a box of their design so it makes sense to them.

No is a complete sentence.

When I say no it's typically prefaced with my apologies but I can not do that for you. There is no need for me to say why I said no. No proof necessary that my no is firm and not a maybe.

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Much better day today. I've enlisted Dad in helping me plan a raised garden with hopes that his love of fresh veggies will give him motivation to take care of some.

As a child Dad was one of the first to help Gram weed the kitchen garden. Back in his younger days he wrestled with the conflict with my Gramps over gardening being for women and that he wanted him out logging with him.

Dad has told me stories repetitively about those younger years. I've been using vocaroo to record him when he gets reminiscing...My neice claims I can store them on Sim card? I don't know enough about technology, I asked if she could show me. Now, one of my birthday presents is a card for my phone and she's going to show me how to save them. I said okay Teddy Ruxpin, she laughed and shouted that she still had him, lol. I had bought her one when she was about six years old and sang You Are My Sunshine into a blank cassette and she could play it when she was needing to hear me. Her mother is doing better with all the attention orthopedic rehab is bringing.

Memories are a great thing when they're happy, not so much when they are not.

Garden building with sustainable design is on the brain tonight.
 
Make sure to download those Vocaroos, because they eventually expire and are lost.

Cheers,
Ian
 
Often it's a blessing to be stuck at home. This last weather event we've incurred has caused travel to deteriorate quickly. Now we're under a warning of lake effect snow on top of the 4 inches of sleet overnight.

It sounded like we were under fire from a sand blaster from roughly 2am until an exhausted me finally tuned it out and fell asleep.

Yesterday was a mixed bag of events. My younger sister did get a firsthand look at Dad's aggressive and obstinate side though. He had no idea she was here. After many attempts to get him up and going he responded with a vicious verbal attack about 2pm so I let him alone. She was aghast when I walked out of his rooms chuckling. She hadn't believed me until then that he could be that mean to me. It changed her view.

When he did get up half hour or so later, he told her that I don't wake him up. She didn't reply to him when she saw me shaking my head no at her. He didn't know she'd been here at the house since ten minutes to 8am :wink: She'd witnessed the entire 6-hour exchange of my working to get him up.

It is amazing to me that until others witness Dad with Dementia in action they take his side and check me as if I'm lying or making things up.

Yes, he's not himself. My argument in my caregiver groups is: Yep, our loved one has dementia/Alzheimer’s and we are instructed to excuse their behaviors because of the brain disease/damage/disorder but does that give this human a free pass of all accountability? really? If so, then I can treat him as infantile. I mean babies don't know how to be better than until they are taught, no?

Being barraged and harrangued by others regarding my caretaking skill of Dad lit by what they would do only causes me to relate to them with the same distanced compassion I do Dad.

"Forgive them, for they know not what they do." :p

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It is amazing to me that until others witness Dad with Dementia in action they take his side and check me as if I'm lying or making things up.

I wonder if this is because in order to believe you, they have to accept a today Dad that is counter to their yesterday idealization, and they cannot for reasons of perceived loss, imagined disrespect, unwillingness to relinquish the internal idealization, and so on. So until they witness directly, it is easier (yet not rational) to consider you highly suspect, unfair as that is.

Best to You,
Ian
 
I wonder if this is because in order to believe you, they have to accept a today Dad that is counter to their yesterday idealization, and they cannot for reasons of perceived loss, imagined disrespect, unwillingness to relinquish the internal idealization, and so on. So until they witness directly, it is easier (yet not rational) to consider you highly suspect, unfair as that is.

Best to You,
Ian
I think you're spot on Ian. ;)

For much of my family, and life friends of Dad's, it's easier to critique from the sideline rather than get dirty in the grass.
 
The thoughtful kindness of others leaves me feeling...just feeling all the feel good chemicals floating around in my head.

After receiving a package in the mail today from an anonymous sender I'm left feeling. I feel recognized, honored, special...loved.

It anchors my faith in the compassion of others. ❤

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The thoughtful kindness of others leaves me feeling...just feeling all the feel good chemicals floating around in my head.

After receiving a package in the mail today from an anonymous sender I'm left feeling. I feel recognized, honored, special...loved.

It anchors my faith in the compassion of others. ❤

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That is so sweet, You totally deserve it.

... uh...
Third item over on top...
is that chocolate?
That is chocolate!

<deep voice that shakes the earth>
That is CHoCoLaTe!
 
I'm having tea, a book, and me today.
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Forget Me Nots still remain my most favorite flower. Perhaps it is because they are difficult to grow, or perhaps in my area they are only in bloom for about two weeks.

Forget Me Not seeds have a tough exterior that takes days to soften before one can be planted. Once sprouted, the seed needs moist but not wet soil rich in nitrogen to foster a well developed root system. Once it has established itself in its environment it becomes a faithful little flower, returning each year and invading the spaces around it.

It's sort of compatible with me. :D

I'm hopeful today will be a quiet day. I had planned to spend the day yesterday with myself to celebrate my birthday because generally today, my birthday, is a mixed bag of people only remembering because my grandma passed away on my twelfth birthday.

This year for some reason has been a reflective year more so than others.
Letting go of past hurts to make room for future joys. ♡
 
There is a moment in truth with being a carer that life seems so bizarre all one can do is laugh.

I'm coloring a card by led candle light because we had a fast moving thunderstorm move through with 60 mph gusts in a 40 mph steady wind. Couldn't see a blessed thing out the windows, because of course it's March and the warm rain of a 60 degree day on snow and ice pack has caused 4 foot high ground fog to settle in all day. Add the dark of night and one can really not see.

4900 customers are without power now because the main transformer had to be turned off due to a car snapping a light-phone-cable pole off and it landed on the car! The folks are trapped in the car until the wires can be moved ... stuff we see in movies.

On the Emergency Firewire spectators stopped at the scene before getting rerouted have blown up FB with photos of a car on its roof with a family inside.

I wish someone would tell me why others angst is so funny ???

What is it with witch burning? It's all fun and games unless it's yer witch they are burning. :angry:
 
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I wish someone would tell me why others angst is so funny ???

Because tragedy is the basis of comedy and then buy-in to logical fallacies like the just world hypothesis and zero-sum game belief such that people feel righteous and justified in victim blaming and having a laugh at someone else’s expense.

Cheers,
Ian
 
Because tragedy is the basis of comedy and then buy-in to logical fallacies like the just world hypothesis and zero-sum game belief such that people feel righteous and justified in victim blaming and having a laugh at someone else’s expense.

Cheers,
Ian
yeah, it still makes me feel sick though ... I can see having a chuckle at one blue sock one red sock, but not at someone's tragedy.
 
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